I feel like my husband sabotages me... Help me

I have fallen off the wagon but maintained my previous losses...so I am starting over.  In my previous attempt at weight loss my husband decided that he wanted to go out to eat, sometimes 3 times a week.  Ordering appetizes like nachos and chicken wings.  Bad News!!

But more recently (3 days ago), in a heated argument over who burnt the hot dogs (FYI--I can't cook) he told me that he was unhappy because he isn't attracted to fat chicks.   That and the fact that we don't have sex very often, but who wants to have sex with someone you know isn't attracted to you.

Now, I feel like quitting my diet because the _____ (insert random bad word here) gave me an ultimadum...lose weight or lose my husband.  So the stubborn mule in me says to stay fat because I am not going to give him the satisfaction, when the weight is gone, to take any of the credit.  Especially since he has done everything to stand in my way and this is just the beginning.

When he says things like that, I totally want to give up on my diet and sometimes my marriage too.  He completely steals my motivation, but I don't think he realizes what he is doing.  Maybe that is what I want to believe???  What am I supposed to do???

aww I FEEL you completely.  However I am not married. My boyfriend orders the nachos, chicken wings, etc when we go out and he wants to go out EVERY night.  It's so annoying and tough on me.

He's also told me in his own way that he doesnt like 'fat chicks' *SMACK*  he basically said 'i am not attracted to you anymore' and of course my reaction was to punch him. as he explained further it made a lot of sense.  He wasnt attracted to ME. My personality, my attitude, my lazyness, etc.  It wasnt necessarily the outter (even tho i'll admit, it wasnt cute having fat hanging off my body) but more my inner self.

I've lost 98.8lbs since he said that remark.  and i'm not skinny still, but we do a lot more together.  like exercising, and walking around downtown, going to the mall, etc.  So in reality, it was the best thing for our relationship.

If your husband is really that RUDE to say 'i dont like fat chicks' then you need to stop thinking about him.  just think about you, concentrate on YOU and let this be a time for you to connect with yourself.  Let him see how great you can do on your own, heck pamper yourself. go get a tan, your hair and nails done, and go out with the girls.  make YOU feel better, because you deserve it.

When I started dieting, it was totally rough.  every time i wanted bad food, i would make myself do pushups. almost a mini punishment for making me feel that way.  if i was having a realllly bad day where i would normally come home and chow down a bag of chips, i would instead take a bubble bath :) with my candles and some music.  we just have to find a different way to get through our emotional eating.  food is an addiction, and that is why we are here for support.

ya gotta ask yourself, are YOU attracted to you?

sorry for writing an essay!

My boyfriend is 5' 11" and only 140 lbs if even that!  He can eat eat eat all day and not gain a pound.  He gets mad at me for buying all light stuff or fat free at the store.  I just tell him it's either this or me gain weight he usually shuts up after that. 

It really drives me nuts when women talk about all the bad remarks their men say to them.  My advice would be to divorce him keep up your diet and show him what he lost....lol  Thats probably not going to happen but maybe you could get him to join you on walks or workouts and try to do things together for motivation. 

Wow.  That has to hurt.  I don't know what the right answer is to this dilemma. 

Remember that whatever you do, life for you needs to be motivated by what is good and right for you.  You have no control over other individual's attitudes, comments or feelings.  You do have control over who you are, who you will become.  Picture yourself the way you want to be in a year (2 years, 5 years), with whom, etc.  Use imagery to your advantage, it is very powerful.

Start working on what is meaningful to you.  Perhaps find a therapist that can work with the 2 of you.  If he won't do it, then find someone to support you in your endeavors, whatever or whoever they may be...  Utilize this site, friends, a therapist, family and supportive loved ones.

You are valuable.  Don't permit your dignity to be undermined.

I can only speak for myself but no one deserves to be spoken to that way so I would first of all demand an apology then secondly sit and talk with him about why the real reasons are you aren't having sex.   I lived a long time in a bad marriage that was celibate because I personally could not be intimate with someone who did not respect me and who lied to me.... so I went through a divorce and let me tell you it was one of the most difficult things I faced, but it was SOOOOOO liberating.  Now I have a partner who is loving and who respects and encourages me.  We go out to eat together but we do it in a healthy manner and he always compliments me - and means it when he does. it isn't only when he wants something from me like it was when I was married.

Sometimes marriage can be the loneliest place on earth.  I say don't give up on your goals - if you do he doesn't "win" anything and the only person that loses then is you.  You deserve to have a high sense of self-worth and some men need to get a grip.  Our lives aren't about solely pleasing them at the expense of ourselves. 

You can have differences with your mate and express it like an adult not in a rude condescending "I hate fat chicks" remark.  That is disrespectful and mean and you need to stand up to him by standing up for yourself and doing what is right for YOU because YOU want to - not for anybody else but you sweetie. 

Thanks guys!! I have to admit, his comments have sparked a new desire to lose weight I just wonder if I am doing it for the right reason and am I destined to gain it back because of that.  I guess I should lose it first before I worry about gaining it back.

Your right divorce isn't an option, I have 4 kids with this man but if it were just me, I probably would have been gone a long time ago.  Of course I probably wouldn't have gained as much weight either.

double edged sword ya know.

I've gotta put it out there that in my experience, men are not always the best communicators.  It's very possible that he was trying to tell you honestly what was bothering him and didn't intend to be mean.  And even if he did, holding a grudge isn't going to improve your situation.  Forgive him and look at things from his perspective ... maybe he feels that YOU are no longer interested in HIM.  If you can convey to him that you want to lose weight so that you can be sexy and attractive to him, because you care about his happiness, it might change his attitude toward your weight loss plan.

Keep your head up and remember the only person in your life that deserves to have you around is YOU, and your kids of course! He is a lucky BA$TARD to have you. And he will still be a lucky Ba$tard if you let him hang around when it's all said and done.

Sorry, sometimes I'm kinda harsh. But you desrve better! But when you love someone (even if they don't treat you right) and have been with them for a long time it can be really difficult to leave. I'm not saying to leave him. Only you know what is right for you! But we support you in your weight loss and in life in general. It won't be worth fighting with him over it though. Just love yourself and make smart decisions!

Yikes. Anyone that would give you an ultimatum like that in such a cruel way (instead of trying to be helpful or showing concern for yourself, and definitely not threatening to leave you!) cannot be good for you. I don't know you or your husband, but in general I would question if someone that would do something like that truly loves you and has your best interests in mind. I know that, personally, I wouldn't stand for it, but like I said before, I don't know you.

However, I do know that you should be losing the weight for you and not to appease your husband. Losing the weight because he threatened you is not a good way to go. Sure, losing the weight will likely make you healthier and feel good, but you have to do it for the right reasons and I can see you're already questioning those reasons.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do, but please carefully consider everything.

"He completely steals my motivation, but I don't think he realizes what he is doing. "

Have you told him this? Seems to me you should be having a conversation with your husband about this.

I think you will find your answer at a therapist, because it seems there are some serious issues within your relationship. On the other hand, wouldn't you simply feel better about yourself if you lost weight?

When he said that to you, it was the perfect opportunity to ask him, "Are you prepared to support me in the way I need support, to lose this weight? I.e., we can't go out to eat all the time. And are you willing to make the sacrifice of eating my diet plan, because I'm not about to cook special meals for everyone? And are you prepared to watch the kids every night while I go to the gym?"

His comment was rude, and I don't know if this is typical or not for him. But taken in isolation, yes, people often say hurtful things when they are in the heat of an argument. And it sounds like he is hurting.... so he tried to hurt you back. It's not all that grown up and mature, but people aren't perfect.

Don't quit your diet. Do this for yourself. If your marriage is going to fail, you may find yourself back on the market anyway.... you know the typical scenario is that a couple divorces and both lose weight and end up looking better than ever. LOL.

You have four kids together... do you want a divorce? Or do you love your husband but you've both lost your way a bit?

Can I ask you something... you don't have to answer here, but just consider. Consider if your weight gain has lowered your sex drive. Which came first... your perception that he doesn't want to have sex with a fat chick, or your disinterest in sex because you became a fat chick? I don't know about you, but I know that when I hit a certain weight, I lose my sex drive. I'm too embarrassed to get undressed. I lack the energy and stamina. I just lose my interest altogether. I hate it when that happens.

I'm rambling now, but when my DH and I first started dating, he was quite candid and honest with me and told me that he is not attracted to fat women. At first I thought he was being shallow, but we talked and talked about this and I came to realize that for him:

1) his definition of "fat" is different than mine: I'd have to become clinically obese for him to stop being attracted to me. Merely overweight to him is just fine... he doesn't like a bag of bones, he likes soft curves and even a little jiggle. So there's a very wide range of "perfection" for him. I do not have to be a size 0, nor do I have to have perfect thighs and a six-pack.

2) more importantly, it's not the physical aspect for him; it's that if I was to become obese, I would have health problems, I'd lose my own self esteem, I'd have become a different person altogether... someone who didn't care enough about myself to take care of myself. Someone who didn't care anough about our relationship to remain fit enough to do all the active things we like to do. This means that if I had some disease that caused a morbid weight gain, he wouldn't stop loving me and find me unattractive... because the gain would've been out of my control. It's only the kind of gain that is within my control... if I gained like that, he'd become unhappy thinking I didn't care, about me, about him, about our sex life.

So with that discovery, I did eventually marry him. The thing is, I long ago - long before I met him - made a commitment to myself that if my weight ever reached a certain point, it was time to get serious about losing it. I don't like to be overweight. I did reach that point last year, which is why I am here, and it was because of a med I was taking. I am not losing it for him - I'm losing it for me, because I'm miserable when my weight gets past that certain point. I feel horrible, have no energy, hate myself, have health issues, can't keep active, can't fit into any of my clothes, have no sex drive, etc...

The funny thing is, he didn't think I had become fat at all!! There really is a wide range for him. I could probably gain 50 lbs and still be fine for him. So that's what you need to ask yourself: is he an unreasonable perfectionist? Because I wouldn't stay with someone who was. It is natural to gain weight as we age, no matter how well we take care of ourselves. And then there's illness that can cause weight gain. Would he stay if that happened to you down the road? Or is he being unreasonable? And weight aside, what about wrinkles and gray hair? Do those turn him off too? Because if they do, then he really is shallow and you're probably better off without him!

I wish you a happy friday!

i've gotta say...i agree with tara...i mean...divorce him...still lose weight...and let him oogle...and never have u...

my bf has never said that he no longer finds me attractive...but hey...i've gained 60 lbs since i met him...so i know there's some part of him that's disappointed...and wish that i'm how i was 60 lbs ago...:)...

so i'm not only trying to lose weight for him...but for my family...my health...and for MYSELF...

he loves going out to eat...and he's one of those that can eat and eat...he'd gain some weight...but he'd lose it in a day...

i've fallen off my wagon since December...with all the good food during the holidays...it's hard to quit cold turkey...(excuses excuses)...started again about couple weeks ago...mainly exercising...but will hafta start eating well again...i try...but haven't been able to record my caloric intake...so everything's estimated...in my head...so i bet i'm totally off...:P

What one person says about you does not define you. Don't let him have that power over you!!  You know if you need to lose the weight, so do it if you need to.  What does his nonsense have to do with whether or not you improve your health and fitness?

Your husband's penchant for ordering all kinds of fattening stuff does not mean you have to eat it. Smile and refrain from eating the junk. Take anger and emotion out of the equation, it's just weight loss, after all, not character assasination. Remember, it is your body to feed, not his.

Lose the weight then dump his happy ass...but make sure you get your half of all the stuff... :)

He tries to sabotage your efforts to lose weight and eat healthy, then he pretty much tells you you're unnattractive and fat in his view. A good deal of people respond to this behaviour with passive aggression, i.e. "the stubborn mule in me says to stay fat because I am not going to give him the satisfaction"

Is this the response/outcome he is actually aiming for?

Do you think he's trying to manipulate you and lower your self esteem and keep you at a higher weight? He could be insecure about you leaving him, so by keeping you feeling unattractive and insecure you are more likely to stay in your current relationship with him.

Just a thought. Either way, lose weight for yourself, don't let him manipulate you into gaining or losing.

Stay strong girlfriend! (hug)

Everyone has a different relationship so dont follow what I say - just think about it, and apply it to you.
I'm not married, only a very commited boyf.
He can eat and eat (and loves to) His version of healthy are things like hashbrowns ("potatoes are healthy right?"), full fat, creamy smoothies with icecream ("there's fruit in there") chocolate BLOCKS for snacks (then he skips meals. "Chocolates good for you right?")

But if he said that to me, I know which Id choose. I hate to be selfish (really) but you need to look after yourself first. IF he doesnt want to be with you because of a little extra padding, which he could HELP you get rid of, then maybe when you come up against another hurdle, he'll want to run anyway again. I wouldnt want to be with someone like that. He should be caring about your HEALTH, I'm sure you're trying to lose weight healthily. What does he want you to do, starve?

But saying that I am lucky, as I am not in that exact situation. So do what keeps you safe, healthy, and eventually happy. Be strong.

Thank you for all of your encouraging words...Now that is what I needed to hear.

There are alot of possibilities here, I would say he's likely insecure about himself. 

Sometimes I realize I am hardest on my wife when I can't change something about myself.  Once I am in deep doo-doo, I realize my mistake and try to climb back out, but it's hard to swallow my pride and make things right again.

My wife is self concious enough without me saying anything, so I try to encourage her all the time(with respect to her weight).   The truth is she is always quite thin and extremely attractive!

If my wife ever told me that I had to choose between losing weight or losing her, I would figure I already lost her.  I would attempt to lose weight only for myself or because I want to please her, not because she demanded it.

Sorry to hear your husband is not understanding enough to support you.  His pressure on you will only make it harder for you.  Do it for yourself.  Forget his demands.  Try not to resent him if you enjoy the rest of him. 

I can't imagine ever forgiving my husband for saying something like that, much less for issuing an ultimatum. Figure this...he wants you to lose some weight. Okay- that in itself is not a bad thing and it's compatible with your own goal of losing weight...but....he's not supportive! He doesn't want you because you're overweight, yet he sabotages your diet and doesn't help you stay on track. Then he gives you an "ultimatum."

One day, he will go bald- if he isn't already. Would he like it if you told him that you didn't like bald men? And that he better get some damned hair soon or you'll leave???

I'd use this opportunity to lose a LOT of weight: namely HIM!

It's clear to me that he's not happy with you and you're not happy with you. You're having trouble getting control of your eating and you might even find it impossible with him around. I'm thinking back on my parents now. If I still lived at home, I'd weigh about 400 pounds now, because they just won't respect anyone's attempts at slimming down. They pile on the food, cook high fat, high carb foods and lots of pastries and tell people to "stop being silly and just EAT!"  They won't ever stop sabotaging diets.

Cut yourself loose and really start living for yourself. Lose weight for yourself and don't worry about what he thinks. It's unfair of anyone to issue any kind of ultimatum, because now you're feeling pressured and unloved.
It's entirely possible that you'll be able to lose weight better on your own.

My boyfriend of 3 years told me I needed to lose weight as well, and that it was also the #1 reason behind our depleting sex life. However, he would never even consider telling me in a way that you described. My boyfriend encouraged me, told me he was willing to help me and stressed repeatedly how beautiful I was regardless of my weight. He just admitted that when it came to the sexual side of our relationship, it might help if I lost a few pounds.

I then told him that I wasn't sure if it would be worth the effort for 8 seconds once a week.

(PS. This is not recommended lol)

Anyway, after a long heart to heart about it, I understood that it didn't make me any less of a person in his eyes and that he was simply being honest with me in regards to how we can improve a problem.

Your husbands method was tactless and disrespectful. I would be making THAT the issue to be resolved at this point, rather than your weight.