I feel terrible. Really bad day.

14 years old, 5'2'', 107lbs. I'm a reovering anorexic, up from 93 last week (due to binges, and a very intense meal plan) anyway, I hate the way I look, my legs are considerably fatter, and I hate them. I hate my legs so much, they are an odd shape, and even when I was at my lowest weight, my legs just looked normal, they never got skinny like the rest of my body, and now all my gaining weight is mostly going to my legs and they look so fat, and I'm so uncomfortable I nevver want tot eat again, but I also really want to eat, but then I'll feel even worse. I'm embarassed to walk because then everyone can see my fat legs. My face is a bit larger too, and I don't like that very much. I hate this, I want to die.

I'm sorry you feel that way.  I can imagine though, that with 14 lbs in one week, it does feel like a whole lot, you are probably very bloated and retaining water and your clothes are suddenly fitting different. It will not always be like that. If I gained 10+ lbs in a week I'm sure it will feel miserable too. But a lot of that weight gain was probably water retention which doesn't feel to nice. I can imagine it being like ttom x10. But this too shall pass :) Hopefully you just continue to gain 1-2 lbs a week or whatever your doc recommends.

But WHEN you get into a safe range, once you have your mindset right and your doctor is behind you, you have soooo much time to get your body as toned as you want by the summer, you know? Look at it as a journey, not just emotionally but physically. If you stick to the program you are given and learn to love food and yourself unconditionally, you will have the rest of your life to be beautiful and healthy. One step at a time.

Now....I have never had anorexia. Over eater, yes but I have not been through what you have. I have, however, detested my body and fought against it. But I have arrived here....and it feels good to love it. I wish you the best, and I hope all goes well with your journey :)

{{{hugs}}}

i totally understand what you're saying and how you're feeling. i mean all that stuff about how you think your legs are looking fat and your face looking bigger, i think about that all the time like everyday. but i dont know, i'm a lot heavier than you so maybe it's actually fat for me :P

even if you think you look rly fat, maybe it's just at a weird perspective. like usually if someone has low self esteem or an upset mindset, they tend to get rly down on themselves. i know i have a self confidence issue, so i'm always VERY self conscious about my weight and appearance. and i always get so so so depressed about it. but maybe nobody else agrees with your views. i mean people may really like the way you look! and sometimes ppl can be very harsh critics of themselves. (i know i critique myself very harshly).

some exercise may help you tone up also :)

oh yah, and i've also recently gain lots of weight cuz i guess i lost the weight too fast at the beginning and it's catching up. i've talked to friends about it and they say that they don't seem to notice the weight gain. at least not all of it. so maybe the weight gain is only most apparent (and possibly exaggerated) to you :)

and remember ppl are supposed to have some fat. i mean we can't all be stick and bones right? having some fat can be healthy. there's a certain percentage of body fat that ppl should have.

lol i'm no expert and i have weird/lame opinions, but i hope this helps ? :D

Original Post by 11october:

I don't WANT to do it to myself. I've heard this many times, and it's obviously not something I choose to do.

Look. I understand how hard anorexic behaviours are to change, however at the end of the day you DO choose to starve yourself. You are not physically unable to eat, and I'm pretty sure you can find food to eat whenever you're hungry. Part of recovery is realising that you are choosing to starve, when starvation is unnecessary. I too thought it "wasn't a choice." Then I went to inpatient where we had rules that you had to eat everything, and I found myself perfectly capable of complying and finishing all my meals. That was a wake-up call: I could have done exactly the same without inpatient had I stopped telling myself I didn't have a choice in starvation.

In addition, to gain 14 lbs you would have to have eaten 49,000 calories over and above your maintenance intake in one week. In other words, you haven't gained anywhere near that much. Probably a couple of lbs plus a lot of water.

If you are so upset you want to die, you need to be getting help in the real world and not an online forum. Please talk to your parents, a counsellor, a doctor, school nurse or someone in your life who is able to offer you some real-time guidance. Please also only use these forums to post if you are in strong recovery, otherwise your posts can be very triggering to other members.

Promotion of starvation diets or habits that exhibit signs of an eating disorder ("pro-ana", "pro-mia", etc.) is prohibited.

Original Post by scaredoflonely:

Is there a way, which you could keep eating increased calories and stuff, and gegt to a healthy weight, but exercise so you can get muscle and tone, rather than fat? Because when you lose weight, you lose fat, then muslce. When you gain, you gain fat. Exercise and you will have more muscle than fat, and be nice and toned (: I'm a recovering anorexic too, I don't like putting on weight, and I liked my body more when I was underweight, but I am toning!

No.

When you are underweight you should not be exercising - exercise will damage your muscles, your heart, and put you at risk of serious medical problems.

When you gain weight from being underweight, you will automatically gain muscle as well as fat. This is because during anorexia the muscles atrophy (waste away) and so much of recovery involves repairing and re-growing those muscles. This is different from weight gain when you are a normal weight or overweight.

Toning refers to either losing fat to make muscles more visible, gaining muscles to make them more visible, or both. Like I've said, you will gain muscle anyway. You also don't need to lose fat - it's essential for health and any loss (of fat or muscle) is seriously detrimental during recovery.

Look - when it comes to looks, the harsh reality is, that a lot of people like the way a thin body looks.

A thin body is exactly the same as other attractive attributes though - clear skin, and prefect straight, bright white teeth, are also physical qualities that people just feel look “ better” and more attractive.

Unfortunately, in order to be happy we need to accept that most of us will not possess those attractive qualities.

Most do not have perfect teeth, or have a very thin body like a model.

Not having those attractive physical characteristics does not mean that we can not have a life that is as good as people that DO have those physical characteristics though

REALLY - you CAN have a life that is just as happy and satisfying, as a women that is much thinner than you.  

So - just because you like the way you look when you are thinner - you can either accept  that you will not be as thin as you would like to be, and try to learn to enjoy life despite your weight, or you can choose to be upset because you do not have the body that you want.


And by the way -  accepting your body the way it is dos not have to be a negative thing;  you do not have to feel that the body that you have accepted is a bad one..  Just because it I not as thin as a models, that does not mean you should just not bother with it at all -  you do not need to be as thin as a model to feel good about it…..    Making the most out of the body that you DO have, will make accepting it much more enjoyable!

Doing a little abdominal work most days, and strength training twice a week as well as walking most days, can help to make your body look the best that it can

And trust me,  having a BETTER version of your body will feel better than just not bothering.

Lastly,  I do not like my body either. Frankly, I like what I look like thinner too. I loved the way I looked while I was underweight. But I faced reality. Either be at risk of major health problems and me unhappy, or be a healthy weight and be happier

I have realized that I am happy having the body I do not like as much, but that is HEALTHY, than I was when I had a very very thin body that looked better, but was not healthy.

well said pt87 and merylwhite

You very much need to speak with your parents or a trusted adult about what you are feeling. Have you been abused in your childhood? You can email me privately if you need someone to listen.  I know what you are feeling. margdan101604@yahoo.com

Anorexia is an ugly liar!  Just because you think it, doesn't make it true!  Just because you think your legs are fat, doesn't mean that they are!  I have been there!  You can do this!