Feeling defeated

I'm sorry if I'm being a pest, but I find it so easy to come here for advice.

Since I made a bit of a committment to gain back some of my "scared loss" (i.e me being too restrictive because of fear of regaining weight) I've put on about 2kg in four weeks. If my calorie-couting is accurate, I've managed to do this by taking in a daily average of 2300 calories...which frustrates me a bit, because that would suggest my general burn is about 1750-1800 calories.

So, I'm 19, 170cm, and about 54kg (electric scales) or 52 kg (old-fashioned, non-electric scales) and, although I know I could stand to gain more, at the back of my mind I just feel like crapeola. I feel like I have no self-control, because I've been eating at night when I'm not hungry because, if I have any spare calories, I guess I feel justified. But then I worry I'm developing bad habits, and that when I finally do get to about 55-58, I won't be able to stop. Worse, I worry that at the rate of gain, I've managed to screw my metabolism over the course of a year or so of restricting to about 1600-1800.

Other than feeling like I'm a greedy person  who's eating when she doesn't need to, there's this niggling, consisten voice saying that I don't really need to gain, and if I were sensible I'd just eat 1800-1900 and maintain this weight instead of using a flawed resolution to gain as justification for the amount I've let myself eat.

Yes, there is a part of me muttering something about the long term affects of being underweight (regardless of how one might feel right now, whether it be physically or in terms of appearance) but I just can't help but return to this sense that I'm a..."flawed" person. that I'm always going to be out of control when it comes to food (whether eating too much or restricting) because I like it too much, and am prone to greed or something like that.

I just wish I had some certainty...that I would know this was only temporary, that I will be able to maintain, that this is the right course of action to take. How do I really know if I need to gain for health reasons? Cold hands, tiredness, anxious tendencies towards food...the ping-pong game in my mind keeps rebounding the positive affirmation with the feeling that other people feel like I do, they're just stronger/have more stamina and can put up with it better than me. That I'm the only one who can't go for two hourse without eating, has to eat straight as she wakes up, eat all her dinner just because she knows she has the rooom in terms of calories...

Ah, golly, I'm sorry guys. It doesn't feel fair to burden people with my stupidity, but again, thanks for just letting me vent. Any advice would be appreciated...it's like having kindred spiritis, people who really understand the impact food has on self-perception and ways of thinking. I feel like any advice is not only well-intended, but informed.

If the main problem is that you feel 'out of control' try to inject control into how you approach your food day.  If you know you need 2500 cals to keep gaining weight, for example, plan it out in advance. 

Planning your day ahead achieves several things

• You are 100% in charge of the food choices..... the control you're missing
• You're less likely to be playing catch-up late at night just to use up the spare calories because you'll have already included them in your regular meals.... you won't feel like you're eating for the sake of it
• Having a routine to work with gives you a sense of purpose and acheivement.... it makes you stronger and more confident
• ALSO....
• Eating regularly is 100% normal
• Eating all your dinner is 100% normal
• Being hungry when you wake up is 100% normal
• We are all 'flawed'... no-one is perfect.  We can choose either to accept our imperfections and work around them, or we use them as an excuse to give up and do nothing .... 

If your BMI is under 20 then you need to gain for health reasons.... however you feel.... same as if your BMI was over 30 you'd need to lose for health reasons.  Keep going, you're doing great.