Feeling incredibly DE-motivated by other people my age (20's)...

So today I was driving to meet someone at an apartment complex, and there was a group of people (1 guy, 2 girls) walking near the front gate who were all in their swimsuits. The girls were, naturally, beautiful girls in string bikini tops with perfectly flat stomachs.

I feel like I shouldn't be thinking this sort of thing, but I am and I hate it - seeing those girls made me totally feel like crap about myself. I'm the same age as them and have never looked like that in my life! Technically I look even WORSE than they do because I have some pretty bad stretchmarks all over my stomach and hips, so even if I did lose weight and have a nice flat stomach, it'd still be covered in ugly stretchmarks! The worst thing is they aren't even "earned" stretchmarks, like from being pregnant or something, I just got them from stuffing my face and I hate it!!!

I hate to make such a pessimistic post, but this sort of thing has been on my mind for a while and I don't really know where else to vent about it. It's like, I'm the same age as them, why don't I look like that? Why haven't I ever looked like that? It's just really upsetting to think that I'm considered unattractive by the majority of people my age because I don't look like what a 21-year-old is supposed to look like and I really f-ing hate it. It's upsetting to the point that I'm constantly worried that my 3.5yr boyfriend doesn't find me attractive, and I tend to ask him about it on a daily basis. Why me, when there are so many other much more attractive girls out there, that you could easily be dating instead of me...

I'm also starting to get into the mindset of, "Well, I'm in my 20's now, if I don't look that way now I probably never will..." etc and just want to give up on everything and forget about my weight, but I'll probably end up more miserable in the long run if I do that but I'm just so frustrated right now that I don't really know what to do.

Someone please help.. I really don't know what to do about these feelings...

I feel that way a lot.  I don't really know what to do about it, so I just do what I can.  I got a two piece and am trying to get a little tan on my belly and legs; that does help a little with the stretch marks.  And I'm moisturizing my skin 2-3 times a day.  Just taking care of it a little has helped some in the way I feel... but I still have a long way to go. 

I used to feel this way too.. But I also used to hate everybody else even more than myself, and people would see that and back off.. I usually don't care for other people now n less hate myself cuz I realised I have a problem n went to therapy. I was told I was worrying about too much n I should try to be a bit egoistic n ignore everybody else. Maybe u should try that as well - just tell urself that the sun comes up every day just for u.. I'm quite shy n insecure n being a bit egocentric just makes me like everybody else ;) ..

Come on. You must know that everyone has a different path for their life! You have no idea what the girls in the bikinis are going through. Maybe one of them <3is failing at school or is about to lose her job, or got pregnant accidently!

You have a boyfriend who loves you and probably lots of friends who care about you. You wern't ment to wear a bikini? Oh Well! There's plenty of other outfits you CAN wear that look awesome on you and (an added bonus) don't make you feel uncomfterable or look like a slut!

Take care of yourself hun! It's worth your health <3

>You have no idea what the girls in the bikinis are going through. Maybe one of them <3is failing at school or is about to lose her job, or got pregnant accidently!

@ruthie2442, I know what you're saying, but I also failed and dropped out of school and don't have a job, so.. thinking about other people's possible misfortunes doesn't really make me feel any better...

oh please! You're only in your twenties, it's not like you're about to die in a few years or anything. You have another 60-80 years left in ya! No reason to go the rest of your life feeling crappy about yourself. Cheer up. Learn to accept and love your body.

Your boyfriend finds you attractive and sexy or he wouldnt be with you for 3.5 years. Confidence, no matter what size, height, weight, or age is hands down the most attractive thing in a person. 

No matter how thin or attractive you can get from eating right and working out you won't be happy with yourself until you stop comparing yourself to other people. There will always be someone taller, thinner, and more beautiful than you. Any woman, despite what she claims, will notice that woman and maybe feel longing but as the wonderful Dr. Seuss said "You are you and now isn't that pleasant!"  You have been given one life, don't spend it mulling around wishing you were someone else. When I see those girls I do a little self motivation by just reminding myself of all the wonderful things about ME. It sounds stupid but say some happy things out loud about your own life, it's a great way to get your mind off of other people and refocus on YOU and your goals. 

That being said the goal here is health. Yes it helps to lose weight within that but ideally you shouldnt give up because you want to be healthy and feel good and have energy and not have diabetes, and joint problems, and the slew of other risks that come with being overweight. You are ONLY 21. You have a lifetime ahead of you and if you start to reverse bad habits now it will be that much easier to retain them when you are older. Please don't give up. Skin is  stretchy when you're young. It will be so much easier for you to lose it now than to wake up 20 years from now still unhappy with yourself and have to put in twice the effort for half of the result. 

When you lose weight, the strecth marks are "earned".  You will be able to say, "I lost xx lbs!"  Weight loss is a journey, and so many people are not strong enough to complete it, but when you lose the weight, you will have overcome what so many people can't.  Be proud of your stretch marks.  They are scars from your struggles.

good news: other people aren't responsible for your motivaton - you are.  wouldn't it suck if we had to rely on other people to accomplish our goals?

insead of complaining about what you'll never have, how about focusing on what you are capable of creating.  who do you want to be when you're 30?  40?  50?

I know what you mean but however much weight you lose and however much happier with yourself you become you WILL always look at other people and think, maybe just for a second, she looks better than me.

You don't look like those girls now but in x amount of weeks/months when you've lost your weight and are looking firm and healthy and glowing then you'll be the one girls think that about!

I also know what you mean about thinking why is he with me when he could be with so much better looking girls and needing constant reassurance but try not to ask him every day! However much he loves you (and he obviously does as he's been with you for 3 1/2 years!) he will get sick of that pretty soon.

Work on taking care of yourself, treat yourself, do an extra session at the gym, go for a picnic with your boyfriend. You'll get to where you want to be but NOT by unfavourably comparing yourself to someone you don't even know.

Those girls might have been slim and pretty but they also could have been total b!tches. Bet you're loads nicer and more fun than them!

First of all, it seems to me that you feel equate being thin with being attractive. Being overweight does not make you unattractive! I know sooooo many gorgeous girls that aren't the "ideal" weight.

I'm sure there are numerous qualities about you (external and internal) that are beautiful. If you can't think of any, I'm sure your boyfriend can point those out. Focus on those qualities and work on getting healthy!

21 is young! Don't give up on your goals now!

I don't normally post on the boards but I wanted to let you know that I know exactly how you feel. Occasionally I think that, even if I do manage to reach my goal weight and be "thin", I'll still look like me and I won't ever be that gorgeous/pretty/sexy girl that'll cause people to walk into lampposts on the street. Insecurity is a harsh mistress for everyone, but when you're as prone to it as me - and, it seems, you - it can really start to destroy your life when it sinks its claws in.

So I'm not sure what to say to you, but I thought it might be worth knowing that there are others who go through it too (occasionally I think it can't be normal to be so negative but hey, it is! Unfortunately...) As for your boyfriend, be warned: I know it can seem like an incurable compulsion to put yourself down and ask for reassurance but excessive negativity will most likely drive him away. He's with you for a reason; don't make him question it!

I'm sure there are plenty of wonderful things about you, and more importantly, I'm sure there are times when you feel and recognise that there are plenty of great things about you (when you're feeling down it can always seem like you're never happy with yourself, but I guarantee you have moments where you think "Holy crap, I'm amazing!" too). Try and remember them, and how happy you can be.

Also, I don't know how much exercise you do but I can't extoll the wonders of it enough, and this is coming from a terminally lazy 19yo who never exercised before she started going to the gym a month ago (and who is still really unfit, but making progress!). It makes you feel amazing, it's a real anti-depressant, plus you know you're doing something good for your body and seeing improvements in your fitness can make you feel so great.

So the tl;dr version is: it's normal to feel like that, don't be excessively negative or put yourself down because you'll drive everyone away, remember the times when you feel kickass, and exercise because it makes you happy!

Hope you feel a bit better soon.

I was with a group of amazing women last week that I have known for longer than you have been alive.  We all met when we were in our 20's and 30's, and are still close now that we are in our 50's and 60's.  I had a quiet moment when we were all listening to a speech, and I realized that they are all beautiful, in many cases more so than when we were younger.  Some of us are fatter (me!), most of us are more gray and more wrinkled, but still beautiful.  I remember reading that a woman can thank her genes for her beauty until she is older than 30, then she has only herself to thank.

Since you are only 21 (young enough to be my daughter) I am going to offer some free advice.

• Don't compare yourself to others, either favorably or unfavorably.
• Develop yourself to be the best you can be physically, mentally, and spiritually.
• Love yourself for your strengths, strive to improve your weaknesses.
• Love others for their strengths, ignore their weaknesses.
• Smile, it is contagious.  And it makes far more attractive wrinkles than frowns do.

Good luck!

wow.. u have captured the thoughts I have several times word for word in ur post!

ur not the only one who feels that way! Regardless.. I'm sick of feeling that way.. and I'm going to take it a step at a time with losing weight and becoming healthier... I really plan on utilizing the hell outta this website.

But I know exactly how u feel.. and typically when I'm like that I always think to myself "I'm going to change my look".. however.. I never really did anything.. now I have a long term plan, realistic goals, and means of following it.. chanel all that negative energy into something more positive for urself...... think of ur goals.. and brush that fact off.. think about it.. ur 21 now.. in a year u'll be 22.. and if ur committed to changing ur body u'll do it.. sometimes I think i'm on a biological clock and going to run out of my 20's.. but now I've decided I'd rather do something about it today than keep putting it off for later...

..plus from what I heard 25-30 is suppose to be the most fun! (something about having more money then!) LOL

Thanks everyone! I really cannot thank you enough for all of your kind posts, and you have NO idea how much truly better I feel. It suddenly dawned on me that, "There is no later, only now!" so I'm going to do my best to head into the future with that new attitude in mind. Thank you all so much !!!

I am not going to tell you that you don't have reasons to feel down or anything like that. I will tell you one thing that I truly believe in: 50% of beauty is the confidence you have inside you.  People will see it and they will love you for it and they will see your glow in it and suddenly, everone will say: wow she is so pretty!

Do you really believe all of those movie stars are beautiful?  I see lots of them quite unbeautiful physically, BUT, the way they carry themselves, the way they are so confident makes everyone, including me, say they are beautiful.

Stop comparing yourself to others. If you need to lose weight, follow a nice diet that doesn't give you mood swings. Trust me, once you start losing your first kilo, once your tight pants start feeling a bit loose, you will feel different and you will walk beside these bikin girls and see the envy in your eyes. Not because you have a nicer body, but because despite their nice bodies, none of them will have the shiny confidence in your eyes and the glow of triumph on your face.

I tried it and it works, you have nothing to lose, just try it :)

>plus from what I heard 25-30 is suppose to be the most fun!
>(something about having more money then!) LOL

It's not just the having more money. It's also about feeling comfortable in your own skin, even if you aren't perfect. Basically you've been in your own skin long enough that glances at other people are no longer tortured, plus you know who you are and have learned not to care what other people think as much. Your are yourself, in yourself, without all the drama. Plus, added bonus, you're not supposed to be 105 pounds and a size 2 at this age, so the pressure's off!

Signed,

--31, 5'9", size 16, happily married, dieting, exercising, and losing... but not the least bit tortured about it!!! 

Focus on being healthy and the best "you" that you can be. You were not made to be a carbon copy of anyone else. I didn't look like others during my 20s and I constantly was down on myself. I look back at those pic now and say "what the hello was wrong with me"?!? I had a killer body and I think that is why the skinny chicks called me fat. People try to give others complexes when they themselves are insecure.

STOP looking for validation from your boyfriend. One day he might say well "if she's doesn't feel good about herself then why am I with her?" When I met my fiancee I asked him what his "type" of woman was. He said it doesn't matter what she looks like, I like a "confident" woman. My pastor in MD said that "you teach people how to love you by how they see you treat yourself and how you allow them to treat you". That statement really helped me grow up.

We are too hard on ourselves. Self esteem is built up over time. So when you get a chance; stand naked in front of a full length mirror. You already know the problem areas. Instead of looking at what you don't like, make a list of what you do like. You may have great hair, sparkling eyes, pretty hands and/or feet, etc. etc... It feels weird at first but it does help you appreciate what's good about yourself while you change your lifestyle to improve what you don't like

First off, stop beating yourself up. It does no good and gets you nowhere, fast. I know exactly how you feel, I have often told myself those same things that you've said. But then, I realized, there comes a day where I have to stop moping around about it. I'm not at my best, but I can CHANGE it. The only thing that could ever stop me is myself.

So take all of your negative energy towards yourself and turn it into something positive. STOP saying, "Well, I'm in my 20's now, if I don't look that way now I probably never will." Instead, say, "I'm going to look like that. No wait, I'm going to look better than that because I'm going to lose the weight, tone up, and get healthy. I'm going to rock my swimsuit and I'm going to flaunt my confidence. NOTHING CAN STOP ME."

Here's a quote for you from Lee Iacocca, the business man. I try to look at if every day.

"You've got to say, I think that if I keep working at this and want it BADLY enough I can have it. It's called PERSEVERANCE."

PERSEVERE, ibii. You can do it. 

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