Feeling insecure

I'm finding that, although this weight gain is needed and will benefit me in the long run, challenging my aversion to gaining or disrupting my routine I had before has forced me to confront a  lot of the insecurities and fears I have about eating and food that I just can't escape from.

I can't keep from constantly assessing my motivations for eating, or judging my behaviours. For example, I ate a nut bar (trail mix) with a yoghurt coating after my breakfast and a snack (muesli, apple and dried dates) and had it before lunch. It took me to about 550 calories before 12pm, and I just can't help but worry that I'm losing the self-control I used to have. I used to space out my day so it was breakfast/snack/lunch/snack/snack/dinner/disc retionary, with controlled amounts across the day (eg. lower during day to "budget" for the night). I just see myself as slipping, using the small amount of weight I need to regain as an excuse to be lazy.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder what I should eat for breakfast tomorrow. Not should as in weighing up options necessarilly, but what would be the best idea with regards to the whole variety of things in the house, as well as to what I would get the most enjoyment out of against a whole wide range of variables (calories, new tastes vs. threat of boredom/making something repetitive, etc).

Other people frustrate me too: it just seems like I eat so much more than my family, and it feels like I don't need to. How do other people seem to maintain their weight (or even struggle with it) when they don't seem to eat as much, or make the point of eating I find myself doing every single day? there's no way I could wake up and go without food until 10.30am-11am like my siter can. I personally feel like the only reason i count calories is so I can eat anything I want (theoretically) because I've got the math roughly balanced, yet that makes me omehow less self-controlled than others who naturally balance out "good" foods 90% of the time with treats the other 10%.

It would be some much easier to feel like I was justified in doing this if I felt like I needed to gain, but again I can't help question my real motivations behind my approach to eating. At the moment, I'm about 53.5-54kg, and about 170cm (19 year old girl...) How will I know when to stop? What my natural weight is? When I'm "healthy"? Really, how do I know I'm not already there?

I'm banging on to the same old beat I've shared before: I'm worried about maintaining after it's all over. But still, it's hard not to feel greedy when I eat without a sense of restriction, or at the back of my mind I hear "it's ok, you need to gain anyway". As soon as that crosses my mind, I immediately forsee a future of endless justifications, until I slowly end up overweight again.

*****

Thanks for letting me vent: any advice as to the above little tirade would be loved. Also, rather than start another thread, I had a seperate queries I would like to guage opinion on:

*Is it possible for me to increase the amount of calories I would need to maintain on through gaining weight? I find I've gained roughly 1/2 kg a week at about 2200-2300 calories average: does eating more help my body desire a higher rate of intake?

*Does anyone else feel that it's natural for someone to maintain on slightly less than 2000 calories? It's hard to imaging the people around me reaching that on a daily basis, and personally I'm not sure how my everyday lifestyle would need quite that amount. Or is it a good number to stive for anyway?

Thanks for tolerating me everyone...even typing this all down helps put things in perspective a lot. Take care xo

The nature of your disorder and the fact you will need a lot of calories to repair yourself MEANS you need at least 2500 calories a day. It's not just about "what I feel comfortable with" but "giving my body everything it needs to damage internal and external aftermath of such severe behaviours". You are only 200 to 300 calories short of that. That's an avocado, or a 500ml glass of whole milk. It really isn't a lot. So your answer is yes, you can increase the amount you'll maintain on by upping your calories particularly as they are sub normal right now.

Some people maintain on less than 2000 but these are often people who are very short, small, and DON'T have a history of restriction. Studies have shown that restricting anorexics require more calories PERIOD, even into the months after they gain weight.

Ignore the people around you and how they eat. What matters is YOU and healing YOURSELF. Recovery is a time to be selfish. For goal weights, you're looking at a BMI of at least 20. Where you are right now is NOT healthy. It is still too low.

Study: Abnormal caloric requirements for weight maintenance in patients with anorexia and bulimia nervosa. - Weltzin TE, Fernstrom MH, Hansen D, McConaha C, Kaye WH, Department of Psychiatry, University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, PA.

"CONCLUSIONS: To maintain stable weight after weight restoration, restricting anorexic patients require a significantly higher caloric intake than do bulimic anorexic patients. Differences in caloric needs between normal-weight bulimic patients with and without histories of anorexia may depend on the methods used to correct caloric requirements. Body surface area may be the most precise correction factor across different subgroups of eating disorder patients. Elevated caloric requirements, when coupled with reduced food intake, may particularly contribute to relapse in anorexic patients." Am J Psychiatry. 1991 Dec;148(12):1675-82."

I was just browsing around on the forums, and I happened to come across this topic. It's very strange that I decided on this one, because I am in the EXACT situation you are- I am very, very confused on the whole recovery process. I have been asking the same questions.

I have upped my calories from the small amount I was restricting to (more than doubled, actually), but I still haven't reached the 2500 that I keep hearing I have to eat (minimum). I just feel like, for some reason, this is an excessive amount for me, and even if it isn't, I'm afraid that I will have to cut back eventually (be it months or years later) and I won't know how to go about it.  I am afraid of losing all control (ridiculous, I know, but still...)

Also, I have a lot of problems with mechanical eating and planning, too. I usually fall asleep thinking about what I should eat for breakfast and if it's enough/ too much/ healthy enough. My sister does the same thing yours does-waits for a few hours to eat breakfast as opposed to me getting up and eating right away, and I can't do that, I eat right away. I am afraid that this is just another way for me to gain control after losing the "control" the ED brought me. I never know why I'm eating, and struggle with the whole "eat when planned vs. eat when I'm hungry". It is very frustrating, and it causes a LOT of anxiety, especially when everyone else doesn't have such a rigid schedule or excessive concerns about eating.

I often find myself staring into the fridge or cabinets trying to decide the best option for me to eat. I make sure to eat every 3 hours because I hear that's the best way to get your hunger back or something- don't know if it's true, but I need SOME guideline to follow. I worry if I should be eating, and if I decide to, I spend a lot of time trying to convince myself that I need to gain weight and eating is good for me. However, like you said, I get worried that once I do gain weight, it will be hard for me to change my eating habits again.

It's like the drive for full recovery is there-you want to be able to eat normally (whatever that means) again, no counting, but feel in control anyway. It's just a really difficult, lonely path.

I'm sorry I couldn't specifically answer your questions (looks like lalabanana has that covered anyway) but I just wanted to provide the little support and understanding I could- I hate the feeling of abandonment that anorexia provides. 

A few thoughts. I am back refeeding but have done this a few times before but hopefully this is the change for good to health. Mentally it takes time to not obsessing. Just because you are eating more does not mean the thoughts will disapear. It takes time but the longer you stay healthy the easier it gets. The mental part is the last to adjust. Now I understand the self control issue but that is the ed talking. You getting healthy and feeding your body is self control. Have you looked into why you have an ed and ways to cope better in life? I too tend to compare but everyones needs are different and in recovery you have very different needs.Also not everyone takes care of their body and that is not something you want to pattern. I have a mom with an ed and as I get healthy it is very hard but I try to remind myself what an ed takes away. Now for calorie needs that depends and I have refed from a huge range of different calories in an op or ip bases. How long have you been refeeding at 2300 and how much so far have you gained and what are the goals? I think that you have to remember in refeeding you will gain a lot of water at the start and also you have to remind yourself that you are also repairing organs and tissues not just adding weight. 2300 is very low still for weight gain and repair and you are still very young with higher needs.

finaly some people who understand! i feel like im obsessing lately...i mean no one has really told me what to eat and when to eat it so i make up my own rules...eat every three hours and stuff like that.  and its like ill think hours ahead of time what i will eat at exactly when and i think im going crazy or something....but like i feel kinda guilty when i do eat something with more calories and am paranoid when others dont eat as much as me.  i have a hard time actually uhm sticking to eating as many calories as i should....i need help...

I (and most people on this forum) am going through the exact same difficulties.  I sometimes feel like I am eating too much...like, is there anyway the "2500 calories for refeeding" doesn't apply to everyone? Sometimes I feel like I'm not as extreme a case as everyone else going through this. It's so hard to seperate yourself from the ED, you know?

hey guysss

im going thru the samee thingg.. no matter how hard i try i just cat find myself eating 2500 calroies.. i am gaining on like 1700 and gaining alot as in like.. 400gs a day and i walk heaps every day (around at school and home from school).. but im not sure if this is water weight or if its food cause im kind of constepated at the moment lol. but continuing.. i find it really hard to up my calories no matter how hard i try.. ed is just rely stong somtimes.. but i have my good days and my bad .. u know how it is... but still fighting... but like u i feel like im that 1 in a million that doesnt need to up to that much cause im gaining and i dont really wanna gain like a kilo a day! lol and yes thats my storyy.. any advice?

It is really frustrating, having to change everything about your thought process-the "good" is now "bad, "bad" is now "good".  I find myself struggling to get through the day with a few more calories...all the while, I'm feeling totally defeated. I usually keep reminding myself a few things to get through the day:

1) I need to gain weight. I look terrible now that the most prominent feature about my chest is my bones, and it's a sucky feeling to not be able to sit for long periods of time because my hip bones hurt. I'm a girl, I should have curves :). Also, I don't know if I want kids yet, but I don't want that decision to be made for me, you know?

2) If, for some strange reason I end up gaining more weight than intended and I end up overweight (irrational, I know, but you know the thoughts are there regardless), there is nothing stopping me from getting back to a healthy weight.

3) Tomorrow is another day.  This is one of my favorites because it reminds me that nothing is permanent-I can and will do better tomorrow. This helps me cut myself some slack; this is a hard and slippery slope I'm tackling...I cannot expect myself to be perfect all the time.

4)  Finally, I can enjoy the foods that I love but have been cutting out for so long. It's a slow process, but the littlest things give me pleasure now...I had a bagel for the first time in who knows how long...stupid, I know, but a big win for me :)

I've also noticed that it's really hard to get proper support from friends and family who can't relate, making me realize I am the best friend I have (not as sad as it sounds, I swear, haha), and if this is true, why am I treating myself so badly?

Hope this helps a little :)

I went/often go through the same kind of thing...for the most part I am more comfortable now with eating than I was even two months ago, and certainly much better than I did at the height of my anorexia. Often though, I do think or feel like I am eating so much more than everyone else! I feel like I need to eat every 2 to 3 hours during the day, and so I do..but am still at a healthy-low BMI (not underweight though, phew!). My other co-workers/friends can go for hours without eating! It makes me feel very self-conscious...and like I'm being judged. But my nutritionist told me just last night that when I'm hungry, i need to eat. My body does understand hunger cues, and the fact that was in the throws of anorexia for so long means I still am trying to repair and do need a good amount of calories. I am a fairly active woman too, so that might be another reason.

You will "stop" when you are satisfied. And I think it is always scary as you start to move towards health - sometimes, when we try to listen to our bodies and understand hunger cues, it appears as though we are "out of control" or abandoning self control. But the AMOUNT of self-control we are used to is exactly what is the very core of our ED's. So getting away from that is new, different, and scary - but eventually, as you become more comfortable, is very liberating and you'll feel a world of difference. Trust me. One day I remember eating a cookie outside my "scheduled" meals and snacks, and LOVING it - and thinking hmmm. The world is still turning. And i really am ok.

And you'll be ok too - don't measure yourself by anyone else. You have different needs. And i know it's hard to believe me now, but our bodies do understand what is healthy and normal. So try a little more every day to trust it.

Original Post by sexxiibexi:

hey guysss

im going thru the samee thingg.. no matter how hard i try i just cat find myself eating 2500 calroies.. i am gaining on like 1700 and gaining alot as in like.. 400gs a day and i walk heaps every day (around at school and home from school).. but im not sure if this is water weight or if its food cause im kind of constepated at the moment lol. but continuing.. i find it really hard to up my calories no matter how hard i try.. ed is just rely stong somtimes.. but i have my good days and my bad .. u know how it is... but still fighting... but like u i feel like im that 1 in a million that doesnt need to up to that much cause im gaining and i dont really wanna gain like a kilo a day! lol and yes thats my storyy.. any advice?

oh my gosh...this forum is like me all the way...every post feels like i could have written it because i think the same things. I feel like i'm always thinking about food and planning and trying to optimize every calorie. Everyone else eats so little and they seem satisfied and I'm not...ever. I have to eat every 2-3 hours or else i feel like i'm starving and other poeple can skip meals and be fine. It makes me insecure as well and I wonder if I'll ever be "normal." I don't trust myself to be an intuitive eater so I feel like I have to count calories. I am gaining weight on about 1700 calories a day and have been for a few weeks, so it's not just water weight. I want to gain but part of me is so resistant, especially when i look around at everyone else who wants to lose weight. I find that I compare myself to the thinnest me..when I was really unwell and part of me wants it back even though the rational part tells me that's so stupid. does anyone else deal with this?

" I used to space out my day so it was breakfast/snack/lunch/snack/snack/dinner/disc retionary, with controlled amounts across the day (eg. lower during day to "budget" for the night). I just see myself as slipping, using the small amount of weight I need to regain as an excuse to be lazy."

This is also totally me...I allot a certain number of calories for my breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, and snack...with the most at night so that when I want to eat I can!! it's weird...i like bank more for the evening.