Feeling like giving up.

My story starts out in Starvation Mode: I was unknowningly in it. I curiously logged my calories for a week, and discovered I just didn't eat that much. I felt fine, but everybody online was saying I had an eating disorder. So I tried to fix it, and ended up developing one.

I was in starvation mode - I'm 5'4, 17, and weighed 100 pounds, but naturally. I became obsessed with upping my calories, but lost control: I'd have days where I'd eat 2500 calories, and not be full. Pyschologically, my heart went spastic from panic attacks about gaining weight, but I knew that I should. I'd read that I should just listen to my internal signals, but nothing - ever - has said "You are full now".

This time of year - Christmas - is wreaking havoc on my health plans: eating 1300 calories and exercising. I weighed myself recently to see I've gained eight pounds in about 2 weeks. I know, 108 pounds isn't a big deal, but I haven't been trying to gain - or able to - and now I am at an alarming rate. My mom is a baker, our fridge is full of chocolates, and I will easily consume most - if not all, or more - of my calories from this. Considering how my heart reacts to sugar (as if it is crack, and wants MORE), I fear that I'll walk into the new year bigger than I've ever been before.

Help me be normal, help me deal with the holidays. I'm home for two weeks now, and I want to find ways to not eat 1600 calories worth of cookies a day, and pyschologically bash myself for doing so. I never used to be like this.

I just want to be told directly how to eat, because it flip-flops from 'eat small meals' to 'eat when hungry only' to 'eat three times a day' to 'eat whatever, just exercise and count calories'.

You should get about 50% of your calories from carbohydrates, about 30% from fats, and approximately 20% from protein sources. I find that eating 5 small meals a day keeps me more satisified. So, you're not trying to gain? Are you trying to maintain then? Because you certainly don't need to lose weight. And if you are exercising you are going to need more than 1300 calories. It's ok to have some cookies over the holidays, just eat them in moderation. Just focus on being healthy and happy. Have a healthy diet, exercise but don't over do it. It's hard though, I know. If you do slip up a little bit, don't beat yourself up over it. It happens to everyone sometimes. 

Oh gosh welcome to my world. *sigh*

One book that really helped me was "Life inside the thin cage" by Constance Roades. Um.. I'm not clear in my head at all, but I do know that I'm putting the scale away until Jan 7th and taking it easy this year.

When you are in starvation mode, your body forgets to feel hungry. That's why you are so confused and can't judge how much nutrition to give yourself. Some days you feel as hollow as a log and just want to EAT and eat and nothing will fill it up (i know, it's so weird!) where other days you eat an apple and are stuffed. I'm not a doctor by any means, and I'm getting on insurance shortly to talk to a therapist, but in the mean time try meditation techniques. It sounds stupid, but just try to clear your head.

My head is LOUD and it always tells me something is "too much" or that its the wrong thing. Just minutes ago I ate 2 chips and I feel horrible for it. We were having a potluck at work. Normally I don't worry about calories on Fridays (it's my free day) but the nagging voice in the back of my head won't go away.

Lay down on the couch when you're feeling that voice at you. Just lay there with your eyes closed and picture an hour glass turning up and down. That's all I do. Or close your eyes and whisper shhh shhh shh. I sound like an absolute nut right now, don't I?

This comes from me not ever being able to understand food. I went into a "diet" years ago and only ate 700 calories a day. Then I had to upp it to 1200 calories (after reading 700 was NOT okay, and blacking out sucks), and it was hard to get used to that number. We never meant to feel this way, it just happened. So now it's time to get help somehow?

But I really do suggest reading that book. And I suggest the meditation, and just trying your hardest to get your maintenance calories in your body.

PM me if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to :)

Yeah, I know what that's like.  I've been having a problem with snacking at night lately, I mean they're healthy things, sort of, if you count 2 Rice Krispies Treats Squares as semi healthy, haha, but they're only 90 cal a square.  Yesterday, I ended up taking in 1928 calories (I only get 1550 now *cringes*).  I mean, it could've been much worse, I could've taken in almost 2500 if I really would've had my way.  But I figure I'm sort of active, I do stairs and everything at work, I work on the 6th floor, and once or twice a day I walk up, I do it every morning I'm in (Tuesday-Saturday, but I'm off today).  So maybe the exercise I did earlier in the day helped to even it out. Calorie Counting is so tedious that sometimes I want to give up too, since I'm so rigid I count every single thing that goes into my body (well except for maybe those calorie free packets for your water that have flavors like fruit punch, lemonade, etc).  But I'm not giving up, not ever.  I've lost 116.9 lbs on this since March 22 when I started, so I'm not giving up now.  Christmas time is really fast approaching but I have a plan.  I was going to make these gingery oat molasses cookies I found in a recipe book but they're too hard for me, I'm so not a cook, but I have a box of Krusteaz Fat Free Brownies I'm going to make instead.  I'm going to stick to my diet as best I can on Wednesday and Thursday, since I'm going to my father's house to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve after work and then spending Christmas at home with my mom, grandmom, sister, aunt, cousin, uncle, his g/f, and her daughter (my uncle g/f and her daughter, they're coming up this Christmas to visit us).  Oh well.  I'll try my best to stick to my diet.  I know we're having ham and butternut squash, which is fine, I can have that stuff, but everyone's making all these unhealthy things, like green bean casserole (the high fat way), and I'm making 2 kinds of unhealthy cookies (hermits and this chocolate sambuca cookie that I have a recipe for from my one co-worker that I love so much).  Oh, and by the way, mars, I think that it's 20% calories from fat and 30% from protein, I think that what I heard somewhere before.

Jen