feeling like rubbish

hi guys i just need to get this out, tell someone how i feel, ive been eating 2000+ calories a day some days its 3000, for the past 3 weeks, and ive gained so much weight, i was a size 6 when i started now my size 8s r fitting where they touch, and i feel so fat, i hate it my legs look massive, everyone says i look good, my mum says i look really good but still need to gain a bit more, i hate the way i look and wish i still looked like i did, i want to stop all this eating now, i want to cut the calories back, i want to eat no more then 1000 a day, i want to lose a bit of this weight again, i dont feel comf, i feel so horrible and big, i want to hide away from the world, never go out again, i want to run away, i wish i was dead, i know that sounds bad but i cant help it, ive had enough, i dont want to do this anymore, i cant gain anymore weight, im going to see my ed nurse tomorrow and im dreading it, shes gona see how fat ive got, my dad says he gona come down and see me, i dont want him to see me fat, what am i going to do, i cant talk to anyone how i feel as when ever i do people lose their temper with me and say oh for god sake ur not fat, or they say omg yer ur so fat in a horrible voice, which dosent help one little bit, i feel so alone, i wish someone would lock me up, take me away from here, why cant i be like i was last year, i was a size 10 and happy, i loved what i saw in the mirror, wish i could get that back. anyway enough of me going on im sorry

lucy xx

Do remember that what you see in the mirror probably isn't truth. A ten is nothing, sweetheart, and neither is an eight. Really, though, you shouldn't be measuring yourself up by shirt sizes and numbers. I am still of a low BMI even after putting on 13.5+ lbs and I get moments where I go "Urrr, I'm huge!" when I'm just... not.

Do not cut back now, you've done well to get your calories where you are and your body and metabolism are likely loving you for it. Tell your nurse how you've been feeling, I reckon she will know how to approach talking to you back about it without being insensitive. But remember how your friends and family must feel - concern, and generally, a lack of understanding your mindset. They might be frustrated simply because you ARE getting better but cannot shake the feeling you aren't, and are worried for you still. Bare patience with them just as they have with you; they still love you. Now, you've got to learn to love yourself again.

you can be happy girl! (: just don't let the ED win. that madafaka (haha..) monster is walking around waiting for just a second when you feel weak. don't let it attack!.

Life its too short to care what size you're or you are not. Don't go back, you've done a lot for YOU and just YOU. Talk with your nurse i'm sure she'll help you

But anyways, you know you can talk to us (: all the time !!

thank you for your replys, im going to see my nurse today, im still feeling very low and want to cut back on the calories, i dont want to gain anymore weight, i only had 900 calories yesterday, and want to stick to 1000 calories aday, i just feel like ive gained way too quick, i feel so fat, i have enjoyed eating, but im so scared i wont be able to stop eating and i will get really fat again, i used to be a size 16, then i did weight watchers just to lose a bit, i wanted to be a size 12, i dont really know why i did it cause i was happy, i like food, i really enjoyed going out and eating and eating what i liked and not worrying about it, but all the ed thoughts are coming back, im scared that if i put on anymore weight no one will like me, and my family will feel ashamed of me, my head is driving me mad, i just dont know what to do.

lucy

It's not your weight that's the problem, really.  It's your self-esteem.  People who are happy with themselves, feeling good and feeling confident are that way regardless of how they look or what they weigh.  (And that was you not so long ago)   People who are lacking in confidence, feeling worthless or suffering from depression are never happy, no matter what.  Undereating makes depression worse so fight the urge to do that.

If your whole system of self-worth depends entirely on what number you see on the scales or what number is in the back of the clothes you buy then that's what you need to address.   Building your confidence, finding other things to get a sense of purpose out of, widening your horizons, helping other people.  You've acheived a huge amount already by regaining some of the lost weight.   And because you're an acheiver and you're working hard to overcome your fears your Mum and your Dad must be incredibly proud of you.  Your nurse will be thrilled at your commitment.   So be proud of yourself and like yourself enough not to slip back to old habits.   You're having a small set-back at the moment but any change in behaviour takes time to adjust to.  You can't afford to be thrown the first time it gets tricky.

BTW... buy some larger clothes.   When clothes feel tight, you'll feel more conscious of your body.  When clothes are looser, you feel smaller.  Best of luck

Get your calories back up. The voice telling you that if you put weight on again no one will like you is wrong and just that - a voice, imaginary, and wrong. Considering you have been eating 2000-3000 for three weeks, dropping to under 1000 - not already thinking on the fact that this is below what a healthy female should eat - will throw you straight back to starvation mode. Get your calories back up where they were and fight this, and if you feel you can't talk to your ED nurse about hospitalization. It's one thing to eat more but another to break the mindset and you sound like you will struggle to do that alone.