Feeling Lonely

I wonder how many here have a deep loneliness? I see this issue as a huge problem for me. I am trying to meet new people but living alone and being limited in what I can do makes it hard. I'm trying to not isolate like I will even go to a library to not be alone. Even when I am with people though there is an empty feeling. The only person who makes me feel more whole is my mom. I am 30 though and we live apart. Just wondering if anyone can relate and found things that help.

Abbi,

You feel whole with your mom because you know her all your life.

 How your doing with your health problem?

You need to go out to a noisy place keep your mind busy. "Broadway musical?"

yeah i can relate to this. i live at home. i am 25 - a young and immature 25. i feel loneliness chronically, and severely. but not obviously. i know everyone. everyone know's me. on facebook i have 450+ friends. i partake in many activities but very few people fill the void and emptiness in me (yeah...i know that sounds kinda sexua!!)

i love my parents dearly. i have a strong relationship -  but not necessarily easy relationship - with my mum. she seems to know and understand me and i guess - love me - in a way that i feel nobody else in the world would. i cant imagine surviving life without her. and my dad also. i cant comprehend the unconditional love they have for me. they know me completely and all my flaws. not in the way my friends know me. i love my friends. but they know only 75-80% of me. always there is this hollow sensation in me.

i talk about this with my psychologist. it is a very painful issue - the emptiness i feel. when we do talk, i am at my most exposed. the key with this my doc tells me is feeling the emotion and being mindful with it. not trying to avoid or escape from it. this is how unhelpful coping mechanisms develop like eating disorders. i think you have to persist with finding sources outside your mum. you must persist with hobbies and friends and people. i think the emotion will ease.

this is also part of recovery. you start to feel the things you have been avoidin for so long. so good on you. like the line in my poem : i hate you as you fester, deep within my soul. but in your absence im afraid of that void - the gaping hole". this is the hard part. but you can find something to "put in that gaping hole"

I also experience lonliness from time to time. I am really way too careful and cautious about putting myself out there enough for people to get to know and like me. I'm usually very reserved and agreeable when I'm around people that I haven't known for a long time. It takes me a long time to open up. I think that is a huge contributor to my lonliness. I can't get over the fear of rejection enough to give meeting new people a try. I am very close to my mom as well and consider her to be my best friend.

I've slowly become more aware though of what I do that makes people less likely to pursue a friendship with me and have been trying to improve on it. I see a therapist about 1x a month (can't afford any more) and do dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) sessions. Just being aware and "mindfull" of what it is that I'm doing wrong seems to be helping me feel more comfortable and complete around other people.

I definately used to feel like I was constantly on the outside looking in on everybody when I hung out with more than 1 person at a time. To a certain degree I still do sometimes but it's a work in progress.

Keep your head up and if you ever need anyone to talk to about anything you can private message me. I'm on here alot.

I feel like that a lot.. but chose to have two jobs so I'm around people all the time.. I also go to an exercise class where there are people, even tho I don't chat to them much, its nice to be around people.. and try very hard even when I'm feeling crap to be brave enough to contact people who could be friends one day...

It works.. its hard work but now sometimes I can appreciate my time alone..

I understand how your feeling as well. I have become very isolated and have no friends at all, at times I  get so lonely I really just want a friend someone to chat to etc.

Im also quite close to my mother I think its because shes the person I see most often and so I end up doing stuff with her.

Part of my problem is when I meet people Im so desperate for them to like me I try way to hard and then I never really just get to relax and be me.

Luckily though I have a job so that gets me out among people, maybe you could try joining a group for a class of some sort and get out among other?

I see the above posts and the OP and feel sadness.  In today's world with all the technology, true social interaction is lacking.  I see this in my young neice...24 yrs old and still working part time and living w/ my sister (her mother).  Nothing wrong w/. living w/. a parent till you get on your feet, but, my sister is her best friend and at times her only friend.  She is very introverted and as a result wants people to like her, goes out of her way for them to like her and ends up scaring them away.

Feel good in your own skin.  Be true to yourself.

If you are lonely, busy yourself up a bit.  Get involved in your church.  Go volunteer at a nursing home reading or pushing wheelchairs.  Volunteer for a cause you believe in.  Be involved.  You will meet people, stay busy, and just maybe make a few friends in the process. 

We all get lonely from time to time.  We form deep friendships w/ people and if and when that friendship ends (person moves away, or dies or something) the loneliness can set in.  Realize that we are social creatures.  Most of us are not meant to live alone and exist alone.  We NEED human interaction, not just pc interaction.

Remember too that a smile helps.

First thank you and I am sorry for how others can relate. I have a complicated case but ed aside I have dealt with a very severe condition that for a long time kept me bed ridden and now I am just starting to be able to do more. I used to cry from pain every day even on meds. Now I still have crying pain days but am making progress. My mom has always been my best friend but through this condition and I had to travel to many doctors/hospitals millions of tests and procedures she has been my hope and strength. We have become even closer. So between having a long past with an ed and then this health issue that is not related it limits my ability to meet people. I am making goals which for a long time I could not even think of to volunteer and to keep trying to find low key groups. It is hard to commit when I don't know how my pain level will be. I am thankful that I am able to do more though and am not in bed full days anymore.

Ok now to some of the responses and some thoughts

Fidget do you know why you only allow your friends to know certain parts of you and is there someone you would feel good about taking a chance to letting them in more? Are you in school or working? It is ok to live at home when one is working towards something and finances are tight. Is that the reason? Do you want to move out or is there a fear of it? I agree about feeling the feeling. I am trying to sit with them instead of running to the ed to numb them. It is hard to face ones life but to make it better it is a must. Thank you for your advice

Skylar what do you feel makes you take more chances with people? It is good you see how this impacts relationships. That is the first step to better

Betty it sounds like you are making progress and I hope you can relax. A friend should like you for you with even your flaws.

Develish,elfinpickle,nieto thank you. You all gave good advice.

It seems like many of us have a lot of fears in opening up and putting ourself out there completly. I am very open about my ed and past but with my chronic neurological condition I am not. I am trying to take small chances with people. It hurts though when one does not get a good response but what I have found is when one opens up more it helps others to as well and the bond is better. Being comfortable with oneself is a huge thing which I have never been and why I am trying to figure out who I am and some goals. Ok enough of my novel. Sending warm thoughts

I know this is kind of late in the game, but I read this when you first put it out and I didn't know how to respond. I felt almost silly because I am married and have two kids, but I do feel it. I feel it a lot. I have always felt it. I have social anxiety to a degree, but growing up I had "friends" who were more acquaintances. I couldn't stand the whole back-stabbing, gossipy way that a lot of girls are so after high school I just kind of kept people at arm's length. I'd make friends and they turned out to be the wrong ones, so every time I did come out of my shell I would have to jump back in. I was acting when I was in public because I wanted to keep people away from ME, the real me, and the very lonely me.

My husband gets me, and of course my kids fill my time, but sometimes, I don't know why, but the deep loneliness sets in. I do feel empty. I feel like there's something inside me screaming "Hello?" In a very big, white room  but there is no one there and no where to turn. Its not really depression, but just.... loneliness. If I hadn't become pregnant with my first daughter, I have no doubt that I would have driven my wonderful husband away and remained completely alone - functioning, but alone.

I think maybe there is some kind of correlation to the food issues/ED thing and this loneliness - we feel alone so our bodies or minds find some way to scream out. If I'm thin, someone will notice, someone will figure it out that I need that warm embrace that is somehow going to melt all of the ice I have put up around my heart and clean all of the cobwebs that have formed around my soul, a soul self-neglected and neglected by others. And sometimes, eating to fill that lonliness, and sometimes purging to deal with the guilt and to punish ourselves - or even to feel "alive" (I did this when I was younger).

Sometimes its easier to connect on the internet because we can say what we feel and we don't have to worry about judgment or responses, and that can help. There are people who do it unhealthily - you get some attention mongers out there! And the obscene pictures on twitter and with camera phones, gag - but then there's reaching out to say "hey... can you relate?"

And I can... if that counts for something.

If you're feeling lonely, perhaps a library is not the best choice to try alleviating that?  Libraries tend to be a very isolated place where most of the people there want their space and time alone.  I'd suggest volunteering for an organization perhaps with kids where you are needed and can make a valuable contribution.  There's nothing like feeling needed and necessary to alleviate lonliness and boredom.

Beyond that, part of life is finding the niches in which you fit or want to fit.  We all make random connections that have varying degrees of depth but it's only time and shared experiences that provide additional depth.

Bsh good job for facing that you do have this issue though of course I am sorry.  Facing it can help you make steps to make yourself and life more filled. I think a lot of moms though I am not one can relate. Many have lives that are around thir kids and husband but forget about their time to relax and bond with people who they can rlate to. I do agree that people with ed or have suffered do have this issue because when in an ed one is isolative but then when one gets out of it their is a lot of fear and confusion plus no base yet. It is harder to make friends as one gets older and I also think it is harder to break out of routine that is even negative but after so long. Not impossible though.

Smwhipple I agree but I actually have met people in the library and I am limited to what I can do due to my pain. Kids are too active for me but possibly the elderly I may look into volunteering.

Thanks again it does help to know I am not a totally alone though I wish know one had to feel a sense of empty.

I feel lonely a lot too. I just graduated from college in May but with the way the economy is I have yet to find a full-time job so I'm still at home a lot. I work part-time but lately not that many hours. I live with my family but it gets old being around them all the time. I have never had any close friends except when I was younger.

I've tried meeting new people through the internet, which probably isn't the best way to go about it, but nothing's ever really come about. I really think loneliness has a lot to do with my eating disorder...worrying about food takes me away from how lonely I really am.

I just hope that one day life will turn around for me. I just try to believe that it will.

Mike graduating and this transition is a hard one. What was your major? I hope you find a job soon. My friend meets people more for dating on the net. I am not into that but have met someone just hang out friend through websites but not dating ones. I give credit to my friend who dates online though hope she is careful and regardless any meet ups friend or date thing should be in a public place.

fidget - you situation sounds exactly like mine. i was reading your post, and to be honest it made me feel better to see that someone else is still living at home in their mid-20s (i know i know you and i aren't the only ones out there..)

i've caused myself so much mental grief because i beat myself up for moving back home recently...call myself a failure, a loser, etc.. but at this point in my life, i really needed it. and the loneliness.. yes it is definitely there.

it's funny that there are so many of us out there feeling the same way.  sometimes i wonder as i pass people, random strangers, and i wonder if any of them are at all feeling or thinking the same as me.. if we could peek inside each person's (stranger's) mind we encounter, i bet we'd be surprised how alike some of our thoughts are.

i too am working with a therapist, etc to get through the loneliness and developing social relationships outside my family - i work part -time so that helps, and i'm beginning grad school in a couple weeks - but attending very part time. but, that should help too.

anyway - i feel the OP and everyone else's pain too.

Oh wow. I second yogi. I felt like I was reading my life story when I read fidget's post.

I feel all of your pain. I love you all! God. I have felt that perennial loneliness from day 1. I believe for me, it's ego. It's like... I've always been acutely aware of this "thing" in me, that is the ego. (Here we go into my wacky beliefs)... But I have kind of always felt like "ego" was separate from "me" - whatever it is that I am. Like there is something deep within that has felt like a slave to this "ego" host from as far back as I can remember. And I have always tried to evade it, and failed miserably. As such, I have never really been able to develop an "ego" in the normal sense - there is no sense of cohesion or identity. My attempts to elude it have resulted in it becoming stronger - and my depression all the more intense. I sound like a fruit loop and should stop before this renders all of my other posts "suspect". But yes, I suppose reading this thread has really moved me, emotionally. I want to hug you all.

And bsh is spot on when it comes to the correlation with EDs. And yet they serve to isolate us more than ever before. Again, ego dominated. I know that mine certainly was. God, even though I don't have it in an active form anymore, it still dominates my headspace.

Yogi I am sorry you feel that way about yourself. I can understand where moving home may cause some mixed feelings. It is not for ever though and maybe if you are and this may be in the process but if you are working towards goals whether it be health,school,saving money you can focus on that progress and feel good about you. I think you should be proud you are going to grad school that is awesome.

Nina You don't sound like a fuit loop. You have a lot of depth. I can relate to the whole identity. I think you have dealt with ed's and anyhow there was a book I was reading how many who have suffered face this and what to find one thing that makes them when in reality it is a bunch of things that make you. Meaning your hobbies,personality,job so on.

I have been really working on this and setting goals. Like I said I am limited at the moment but am working on trying to go back to school and get my license for something I was doing before everything.  Also to push myself to not wait for someone to ask me to do something but take the initiative. I do feel and why many people get into bad relationships is that a lot of lonely feelings can come from with in. Like I had said I can be with people and there is still that sense. I guess I am trying to do inner work as well to feel more comfortable. I am sending thoughts and thanks for sharing.