feeling rubbish

hi everyone

just needed to vent sorry, last night i had a bit of a binge and landed up eating 2000 calories for the whole day, i felt ok while i was eating but today i feel so so rubbish i feel so guilty and bad, i feel like ive let myself down, im scared ive put on weight, even tho i need too, i know i need to put on weight but i dont want to, im scared of getting fat, i felt so possitive last night and this morning, i really felt i could do this, i even had an 300 calorie breakfast, about 4 biscuits and a few slips of my daughters milkshake but an hour after eating it i decided i would go out walking, i had a few things to do, so i went out shopping and walking for 3 hours, i put in the time spent walking in the calorie burner and it said 512 calories burnt, i did have my lunch after i had finished walking, i only had 150 cals tho, i feel like ive ate way too much and im panicing now, i just dont know what to do, ive got to eat dinner tonight, but i really dont want too, but wont be able to get outa of it as im having dinner at my mums, i feel scared and confussed, sometimes i just want to eat proper food with calories but i just cant bring myself to eat them, i want to be normal again but im scared if i start eating more i wont be able to stop and get fat again, last year i weighed 14 st, at the mo i weigh 7st 12 in underwear. i dont want to be fat again, i dont want to be controled by this ed anymore, i dont want to be known as lucy the anorexic, but im scared to be normal again, someone please help me, ive had enough, i go to bed at night and wish i would never wake up, i wish most of the time i was dead, that way it would be easier, i just dont know how im going to get through this.

lucy xx

Do not feel bad!!!! 2000 for the day is fantastic! You should be so proud you reached that, your body need AT LEAST 2000 to recover. YOu've been starving it for a long time. And since you walked for 3 hours you probably still need more than that just for your bare minimum survival needs. We want survival, no? Calories are very needed as fuel to keep you alive, they are not there to make you fat. YOu're in no danger of getting fat, any calories you can manage now will go to repairing organs and vital functions.

the only thing that may have felt bad is that you got the bulk of them in at once. To avoid this, space out more calories throughout the day, eat a bigger breakfast and lunch, and lots of snacks. And go enjoy your dinner with your family! Make your mum and daughters proud!

thank you gibbit, i know you are right, just wish i could get my head to believe it, sometimes im so possitive but it just doesnt last long, i want so badly to beat this, ive had enough.

lucy xx

Just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you--I know that sounds really cliche and cheap, but I promise it is truly sincere. This ED is a terrible thing, and I believe that it takes something beyond human power to overcome it. If you don;t believe in God, then just think of it as me sending good energy your way :)

The only way to fight those thoughts is by DOING--prove the ED wrong! I ate a (homemade) cheeseburger today for the first time in years---I told myself how it was going to make me fat or sick or clog my arteries...and then I ate it and actually enjoyed it...and it felt so good and normal! You CAN do it and you WILL do it--just believe!!

thank you skinnyrkcross, i think its lovely and very kind of you to pray for mr thank you again, i do believe in god, and any help i can get, its very welcome.

well done on eating a cheeseburger that is fab, there is 2 things i really want to b able to eat, 1) a whopper burger from burger king but dont think thats gona happen for ages and 2) steak and kidney pie with chips and beans, dont know why, but again dont think thats gona happen for ages, i have hard enough time eating anything that is more then 300 cals in one meal.

lucyxx