Feeling weird about losing weight & the attention

Let me first say that I am 43 rs old, married and mom of 2. This is the first time I've lost over 60 pounds and the deal is when I look at myself now, I don't know how I feel about the way I look. Yes I have stretch marks and I've been putting StriVectin on them to make them less noticeable. I'm becoming a "new" person.

I am excited about losing weight, BUT it's uncomfortable for me when I get beeps while I walk and the "looks" I get. I forgot what that kind of attention was like. I know I USE to like that attention. But now I don't. It's kinda scarey. I don't like being called "hot" by my husbands friends either. Yeah, they were overheard talking and someone told my hubby.

I even feel uncomfortable when my hubby puts his arms around me and says something about how small I'm getting. I should be flattered by the attention, but I'm not.

Anyone else have feelings like this after losing alot of weight? I'm not even done yet so I wonder how I'm going to feel after 20 more pounds are gone!

I know what you mean. There was once a time when I lost a significant amount of weight within a short period of time and everything felt different. I don't really like the attention either. It can be awkward, especially when your motives aren't purely based on appearance.

Hi ya!

Great job and I have to say you DESERVE to be called a hottie!!!  You GO!!!  you look wonderful and you actually look much younger now!

I know what you mean about the attention....I also still find it hard to glance at myself in mirrors while i'm in public.....i'm still afraid to see the 250 lb me!  **sigh**

~H~

You're grieving the heavy person that has died or runaway from you.  I have loved the attention, the new clothes and the fitness I have gained.  But I recently noticed my butt was gone.  It was a part of my body that my husband loved a lot and he has left too.  I actually pondered the thought of getting my butt back to see if he'd come back too.  Crazy. 

But if you loved yourself and felt loved while being heavy, then the new attention to your body may feel like betrayal, cheating.  "What was wrong about me before?"  comes up a lot.

 

 

OMGosh! My butt is gone too and I find myself looking at my butt too and wondering why???  I'm having issues with my hubby now. I think he's scared with all this new attention, I'm going to change or leave him for someone else. I know he's insecure now and he wasn't when I weighed 236 lbs.

 

I think that type of mind set develops out of inappropriate attention from men when you were younger and/or awareness of how vulnerable you really are as you become attractive to a larger group of men.  I also love being sexier, but feel uncomfortable with some types of attention too. 

Mom...I am going through a similar issue right now...

Two years ago I was having trouble swallowing so I went to my local physician and one of the first things they do is weigh you and check your blood pressure.  Well when I saw my weight at 210 lbs I said I need to do something about it.   So I made a decision to get healthy and change my life...I discussed my goal with my wife and explained it would be a permanent change for my life and not a diet.  As I started to workout and lose weight my wife was supportive till I got to under 180 lbs then she became irritable.  Infact the more I loss the more angry and distant she became with me.  We just passed our 30 yr marriage mark and for over a year now I have been the same weight (140-145 lbs)...all of my doctors have given me clean bills of health and think I am in excellent health and shape.  However, my wife and I dont agree...my wife thinks I am too skinny and thinks I am not the same person (well I am not by looks) and thus she no longer knows or loves me.  Her response is I look sick/bones and she wants a man with meat on his body.  We have been seeing a marriage counselor but the bottomline is my wife has said if I dont go back to 180 lbs its basicly over.

Original Post by dave98z3:

Mom...I am going through a similar issue right now...

Two years ago I was having trouble swallowing so I went to my local physician and one of the first things they do is weigh you and check your blood pressure.  Well when I saw my weight at 210 lbs I said I need to do something about it.   So I made a decision to get healthy and change my life...I discussed my goal with my wife and explained it would be a permanent change for my life and not a diet.  As I started to workout and lose weight my wife was supportive till I got to under 180 lbs then she became irritable.  Infact the more I loss the more angry and distant she became with me.  We just passed our 30 yr marriage mark and for over a year now I have been the same weight (140-145 lbs)...all of my doctors have given me clean bills of health and think I am in excellent health and shape.  However, my wife and I dont agree...my wife thinks I am too skinny and thinks I am not the same person (well I am not by looks) and thus she no longer knows or loves me.  Her response is I look sick/bones and she wants a man with meat on his body.  We have been seeing a marriage counselor but the bottomline is my wife has said if I dont go back to 180 lbs its basicly over.

 I think mom is feeling more body concious than worried about her husband liking the new her.  For women especially, you're judged in a different way when you're fat, that is comfortable because it's non-sexual even if it's judgmental.  By losing weight it seems like you're being judged for your looks/body which has so many other layers/undertones, and if you haven't seen that in a while it can seem a little scary.  Just remember that you lost the weight for more than the physical beauty and embrace the fact that a healthy body is also an attractive body, any person can appreciate that.  Just my two cents.

I think this is a question of confidence.  Sound like your excess weight was acting as a kind of body armour in the past....  Being fat was a good way to hide.   Now you've shed the fat, you're out in the open, as it were. :-)  Decide what image you want to project and then dress and handle yourself accordingly.  If you don't want to be a 'hottie' dress elegantly but demurely, for example.  Learn how to look someone in the eye and say 'thank you' when they pay you a compliment rather than blushing or scuttling away..  And work on ways to boost your confidence.  Maybe set yourself some challenges and try to achieve them?  Partners, if they're a little insecure, can sometimes find the adjustment tricky.  But that's really their problem rather than yours.  

What you don't do is go back to 236lbs so that you can be invisible again... :-)   Give it time and you'll get used to the new you.

Let me say that hubby has been suportive of my losing weight and he does compliment me. He would never tell me to gain weight! He knows I was uncomfortable. I wouldn't even go out anywhere bc of the way I looked.

I was so use to not getting ANY attention, then it seemed overnight I started getting whistles, beeps and looks from men that it's just as uncomfortable to me as being overweight was. Does that make sense? It's hard to type exactly how I feel to get the right point across.

I'm losing this weight more for health reasons (degenerative discs in lower back, history of heart disease,...) than just for physical appearance. It's just hard to get use to the appearance of the new me.

This summer is the 1st summer in years that my legs have gotten a tan on them!!! And I do mean YEARS! And that was a huge step for me to take.

I do thank people who compliment me on my weight loss. I'm always getting asked if I got gastric bypass surgery! I actually had to show this one woman my stomach to prove that I'm losing weight the "hard" way. Not saying that gastric bypass is easy, by any means. I don't dress any differently, just in smaller sizes. lol  I've never been one to wear low cut tops and short shorts. I think the word "hot" was used bc I'm smaller. And when my hubby's friends saw me I had on a t-shirt and jeans. And I should add that I don't own a pair of tight jeans anymore either! lol

Mom- I had briefly posted about this on one of our other groups earlier today.

My husband and I have been together for 7 years.  I was thin when we met, gained weight and had a baby since and then started developing health problems which sparked my commitment to getting the weight back off.  I have some of the same problems with attention from other people after this time (which would always be unwelcome since most of them are jail inmates...LOL) But I am also extremely uncomfortable with any comments by my husband about how good I look or how small I am getting.  My therapist says that it's because I am afraid that he wasn't really attracted to me before and basically to give myself time to get used to it.  Also, attention from other people makes us feel somewhat devalued since we weren't worth the same attention when we looked different/heavier/etc.

Wish I had some better words of wisdom on how to become more accustomed, but you're definitely not alone!

I hear ya. I HATE it when random guys hit on me, and none did for a long while when I was only 15 pounds heavier. It's not a big difference as far as weight, but I'm getting more attention than I'd like. Why can't people just leave me alone?

-NOT interested.

Momof2funnykids, I love that screen name. Anyway I have experienced the same things. 10 Years ago I was at 172 I lost down to 118. The attention was maddening. No one wanted to stop and talk to me in the halls when I was a fatty but as soon as I got my hourglass figure back it seemed I got a lot of new male friends (at least that's what they thought). The women seemed not to want to talk as MUCH anymore. I was the same person but it seemed I lost female friends and didn't gain any new ones. Then I ballooned back up to 212. The attention was gone,but the women seemed to warm to me easier.  My kids are involved in lots of sports and last night I was walking the football field for exercise and I could see some male heads turning. I've lost 33 lbs since they have seen me last. I posted to a young girl about this issue just a few days ago warning her to be careful of new found male attention. I just hope this time around with my weight loss I get to keep my female friends.

momof2funykids--i'm SO happy you posted this. i relate so much and i'm trying to work thru it.

for me, i've lost 35lbs now (from 215lbs) and have about 40lbs more to go. i am also fearing what it will be like then and on the way there because i've already noticed to much more attention. i'm very okay and grateful for compliments on my face, smile, hair, skin...but compliments or obvious looks as attention from the opposite sex in a sexual way will remind me of--highschool--when i was that weight!

i got so much sexual attention in highschool for developing fast and being so curvy...already the gawking is starting to come. i'm trying to "visualize" myself thin and learn to accept. it's ongoing.

and while we're at different places in our lives--i have a soul mate of a boyfriend in my life and the last thing i want is more attention from guys.

MANY GIRLS live off this kind of attention, but it's not for everyone.

i'm gonna keep reading the thread but i'm curious to know how you try to work through the thoughts in your head?

i try to sit there or walk and think of myself being a great size with all the curves and everything and try to just get used to thinking this way...i dunno...i need help :(

just wanted to reply again cuz wow--halizabeth you really hit it on the head!

also r4eboxer, i agree about the females cuz none of my girl friend have commented on my weightloss at all, even though i've lost 30lbs that are obvious...grammas at the gym and my family does...but not my peers.  i don't really want them to talk about it a lot cuz it's ackward...but i think it's definitely a nod to female insecurity...will be interesting to see how this goes, esp livin in L.A.

and themonbon--yeah i'm right there with you...even when i was heavier i still DESPISED getting hit on by randoms and pretty much act like a total b!tch when that happens...so i guess it shouldn't shock me that i'm annoyed now and might after more weightloss too...

jennylaw, really good point about not liking the attention because we don't like the "suface judgements" from others. that's a big one too...i'm such a inner-beauty lover that shallowness makes me ill. i bet a part of it definitely is my disguist for that in general and everytime i hear a comment or an obvious gawking, i'm reminded of it.

gi-jane, good point about dressing. i definitely have a curvy hourglass figure but that doesn't mean that i need to dress provacatively. well--the same tanktop on me and someone with a smaller chest obviously portrays two different looks, a constant challenge. but still--i think we should take that into account. don't hide our figures with baggy clothes but keep ourselves looking respectful so we don't send the wrong message. or, if we do wanna dress a bit on the wild side every now and then, be prepared for the attention!

and about that butt Mrs Dagle and Mom, stairmaster, stairclimbing, stepper machine, squats!!! that should round it out nicely! i would be devastated if i lose this butt...but i know the affect that those exercises have. it's a major mission of mine to have a very toned, shapely bod, not just lose the weight.

for a few of you who have mentioned this, as far as the men in our lives who may or may not stick by our sides while we do this--my bf rarely comments on my weightloss...altho i can tell he notices because of the way he touches me and where, and he loves picking me up too. i like that he doesn't obsess over it because it makes me know that IF i were to regain, he'd still love me for me. i think that's hugely important to our motivation, to feel that safety with that person. my ex was more into my weightloss than me and needless to say it hurt.

lastly, Mom--it sounds like the word "hot" really got to you and also being called that by your hubby's friends. i'd be pissed too! but that's more an issue with your hubby's friends and respect, try not to let it reflect back on you, have you talked to your hub about it? i love the fact that you're hot and look amazing...i think eventually your mind will accept the fact. heck--i will LOVE to be  "hot" mom! have you felt or been called hot before at a time in your life? or is this all very new to you? do you you feel you shouldn't be looked at in a sexual way because your a mother or because of your age? maybe ask your husband to use other words that you really like...such as beautiful or amazing or great?

It's nice to see that I'm not alone here with these feelings I have. Yeah, the word "hot" gets to me. I had to think about it for a minute. I'm just too old to be hot! Geeze! I'm 43 yrs old and have 2 kids! I want to look fit and try to look like I haven't had kids! lol  I guess "hot" is a term I associate with young people.

My friends, who are my age, all comment on my weight loss. They always want to know how I do it. And what keeps me motivated after so long. I've been at this since last October.

Today I went for a long walk and got a couple beeps and even a wave. I wave back bc I don't know if maybe I know the person. I don't know how I'm ever going to accept the attention. It's just all too overwhelming at times. Sometimes I can't wait to get in the door from a walk.

My hubby has also lost weight (from 245 lbs to 203 lbs). The difference between myself and him is that he is always fishing for compliments and he talks about how much he has lost. And I don't talk about my "diet" or how much I've lost. As a matter of fact, the only time I tell him is when he asks how much I've lost.

I noticed today that my stomach is getting flatter and the stretch marks are going further up on my stomach. Hate those darn things! And my bras are getting bigger again. It seems like I just bought them! I was selfconscious about my fat stomach before and now I'm gonna hate my stomach because of stretch marks. I can't get a head!

It's always something, isn't it? 

I feel like after I lost weight I had more guys try and date me based on appearance and not personality (not that I have a bad personality...but...ya know their intentions). But I also dated guys that played sports and were more attractive than the guys I pursued in high school. I get called "hot" too and when I was chubbier I was called "cute". It was fun for a while but now it's gotten old and I would rather meet a decent guy...

oh and be able to drop papers and pick them up without seeing a car stop and stare and then wisk his head around when I look straight at him and drive off.

AWKWARD.

Momof2funykids, I really think it boils down to some females thrive on the attention from random guys and others despise it...and others are indifferent; they don't like it, but they don't let it bother them.

I think I'm going to try to be more like that last mindset. I think you have a quality that many others wish they had, which is that you feel good enough about yourself within--you don't need random men hitting on you, or to fish for compliments from your husband and friends, to feel good about yourself and your "new" you.

I'd hold on to that, and slowly try to accept that even still, there is a world out there packed with people that are completely obsessed with looks and surface appearance.

 

 

 

And as an aside, I have a friend who I've known for a few years now--we met at my old job at a music mag. She moved out here from Ohio to Los Angeles and has lost a significant amount of weight. She went from average, and even a bit chunkier in college, to stick, model, Hollywood thin. And she absolutely LOVE...I mean LOVES the attention she gets from guys. She waves and smiles back, flirts, makes sexual innuendo comments and jokes, totally eats it up. It's fun (ok sometimes a little annoying) when we are going out. But I also see that she really craves that validation and attention from men to let he know she's "doin something right". It's a different kind of "confidence" than the way we (all of us on this thread!) react to the attention. Different strokes for different folks :)

 

Maybe your husband's friends all have fat wives they don't want to be with and are jealous. I think after a little while that will wear off (at least from the friends) once they get used to how you look now.

I know it might be hard, but I would just ignore it and smile to myself and say in my head "you wish!" Keep your comments short and only tell people you did it for health reasons and maybe they'll back off?

Unfortunately for your hubby, we just don't care as much if men are overweight. It seems like he needs to get into a mind set of "it's about health" not "it's about attention." That's hard - especially when you're getting the attention he craves. Maybe you could remind him of why you started in the first place and let him know that you have no plans of running off with some guy who only sees a hot bod. You don't have to say it outright, but do little things every day to remind him of it.

(I don't know if any of that helps, and I've never been in this situation, but I feel for you. It sounds rough.)

Yesterday I was reading through some old diaries from when I was a teenager, and it was scary how much my self-esteem was tied in with how men viewed me. I was a very cute, curvy girl back then. When I had lots of attention, I was on top of the world, and when I was feeling unwanted/rejected, I hated myself, I mean really really hated. I would write that I felt like a despicable human being. Frightening.

Maybe I needed the experience of NOT having that kind of attention to gain some persepective on the whole thing. Now that I am losing weight and will one day soon be whistle-worthy once again (yeah I am hot now and have always been, but lets face it when you are over 300 lbs the vast majority of men will not whistle at you etc. and if they ever did I would think it was a joke), I will know how to better handle it I hope. Flattering? Yes. It's nice to be considered attractive. Allow it to affect how I feel about myself? NO.

go with it. at least you get attention. seems like no one but my husband has noticed that i've lost weight, tho it's obvious that i have. people have no problem telling you when you've gained weight, but cant seem to wrap their lips around the words, "wow, you've lost weight haven't you?! you look great!"