Feeling weird about losing weight & the attention

Let me first say that I am 43 rs old, married and mom of 2. This is the first time I've lost over 60 pounds and the deal is when I look at myself now, I don't know how I feel about the way I look. Yes I have stretch marks and I've been putting StriVectin on them to make them less noticeable. I'm becoming a "new" person.

I am excited about losing weight, BUT it's uncomfortable for me when I get beeps while I walk and the "looks" I get. I forgot what that kind of attention was like. I know I USE to like that attention. But now I don't. It's kinda scarey. I don't like being called "hot" by my husbands friends either. Yeah, they were overheard talking and someone told my hubby.

I even feel uncomfortable when my hubby puts his arms around me and says something about how small I'm getting. I should be flattered by the attention, but I'm not.

Anyone else have feelings like this after losing alot of weight? I'm not even done yet so I wonder how I'm going to feel after 20 more pounds are gone!

That's funny.  I thought I was the only one who felt like that.  When I was in my twenties I deliberately didn't wear makeup because I didn't want to be pretty.  I always felt like I changed personality when I knew a guy was into me and I hated it.

I'm hoping now that I'm 'older and wiser' I won't have to deal with the screwball alter ego coming out anymore.  But I haven't noticed that I'm getting hit on, either, so maybe I'm just not as cute as I used to be and it won't be an issue :)

I don't suffer from this but I've known many friends who intentionally put the weight back on so people will stop noticing them.  They said they felt safer with the extra weight on. A few have discussed there feelings with councelors and found they were able to overcome what made them feel that way and where able to feel comfortable now with their new healthier body.

I know what you mean about the beepy people scaring you. I'm 19 and weigh 170 (as of today, Yay!) and 5'7'' people say I don't look fat I'm about a UK size 14 (12 in dresses!) but I'm so unfit and need to lose a little to do the things I enjoy. People beep me because I am basically thinner than most girls in my fat town. I don't know what to do when people do it... yet it actually makes me lose heart in losing weight because I think 'well, I can't be that bad'. Anyone get that thought?

Mom, congrats, good for you in doing so well :)

xx

Sadly, I know what you mean. I did this about 10 years ago. I lost the weight. I felt and looked great. Two of my girlfriends became distant when their husbands said something - not to me but to other guys. At work, I got attention from a guy and before I knew what was happening, he made a pass at me. I dress conservatively and see myself as a mom.  I welcomed his interest as professional. Boy, was I wrong! I had been out of the "game" for so long, I forgot there was a 'game". Losing weight put me right back in. I felt guilty. I withdrew gradually and put the weight back on. Now, years later I am trying to take it off again.

You've made a big life change for yourself. And change is not always the easiest - so like many suggestions on here - just give it some time and don't give up on the journey!  Don't forget that even though this weight loss is for you and your health - it is also a visual change for your friends and your family and you husband to get adjusted to as well!  

As for your husband - I think I am similar to his response on the weight loss journey. I like to hear praise. I like to hear "congrats" and "good work" and "wow!". I think it just has something to do with how different people are motivated. Some people just do better (and not just weight loss related taks) with positive feedback. Keep that in mind while you to go through this together!

You mentioned you don't think he feels as "secure" with you now that the weight is coming off. I know the feeling...

My longterm boyfriend is VERY supportive and he's my very best cheerleader While I haven't had a ton of weight to lose (15lbs or so) I am trying very hard to be healthier with what I eat and exercise to be in better shape so that it doesn't one day overwhelm me.

But despite his "rah rah rah's" I've also noticed comments from him about how he's going to have to watch his waist line now that I'm working so hard on mine (he's starting to worry about his self-image) - and last weekend he even threw in a little comment/question: "You're not getting all skinny on me so that you can go out and find another guy to replace me are you?"

So I reassure and compliment him and I try to do it more when my weight loss is not the topic of conversation. Out of the blue appreciation can go a long way to making someone feel more secure and I think it means more when its not asked for.

Every time a random guy hits on me for some reason I always get a sick feeling in my stomach and feel like I've done something bad. But the health benefits and being confident in general I think out weigh it. No pun intended ;P It's weird when guy friends do that too. I hate it because then I feel bad if I don't like them back. I'm just not big on too much attention in general :P I'm not shy at all but too much attention makes it awkward.  but congratulations to the people who have lost weight in this thread and good luck to the people who are! :)

It's totally understandable to be slightly freaked out.

When I lost the weight I'd gained at college (20lbs!) it all came off my curves first. When weight comes of quite quickly it's scarey to see your body change and see a new person in the mirror. I thought I'd done something wrong when I started buying smaller clothes because I'd never had to do it before. After 4 months of maintaining this new, toned, fit me I've finally got used to it! 

The one thing that triggers the guilt off again is when people mention it - people that I don't see regularly. I was less shy when I was heavier to be honest (I'm putting it down to why I'm single now)! It's just something else that you need to learn to embrace along the way. Hey, you've managed to suss your nutrition, fitness, health... don't leave confidence out! Confidence is equally as attractive as your appearance, if not more. I'm sure your husband will be even more smitten when you love yourself as much as he loves you 

This is the end of my week and after averaging my weight (I fluctuate so much that I average out my weight for the week on Saturdays) I'm the same as last week. 175!  I had a tough week. I feel like I'm sabotaging myself! Last night I ate cookies, a whole symphony candy bar (about 600 cals), chips and dip, and all after eating chinese food!  The last time I reached this point in losing weight I did the same thing!  I have to get past this point and get below 170! On Aug 2nd I weighed 173! Now today I weigh 175 and I weighed that all week!

My hubby walked with me this morning! I can't believe it! He's never walked with me before and he actually enjoyed it. :)  It was nice and made the walk go faster.

I think I'm just gonna have to try to deal with the attention as best as I can. It's weird though. And I keep looking in the mirror to try to get use to the new me. I noticed this morning that my stomach is getting flatter and flatter! Pretty cool! :D

 

I think this is a lot more common than people think it is. One of the reasons people gain weight in the first place is because of self-esteem issues. It's the classic cycle -- you don't feel good about yourself, so you don't take care of yourself, and the resulting weight gain and perceptions of others plays right into your own self-esteem issues and negative self-image. If you feel "ugly" or "fat" why bother trying to be anything different, right? Why fight that battle? It's the easiest trap to fall into. One doesn't have to worry about what they eat and how much they exercise if their own self-perception matches those of others that you're "a little chunky" or "homely" or even "unattractive." It's easy to let go because there is no longer anything at stake.

Weight and eating habits are so tied in with psyche and self image in our culture. You have to remember that what is important is HEALTH -- regardless of your weight. And that health is both physical and mental. Being able to feel comfortable with how you are perceived by others when you are at a healthy weight is the lynchpin to solving your ongoing battles. The fact of the matter is you feel uncomfortable with such comments because you are not accustomed to hearing them, but also because they do not seem like "you" when you hear them. But they are you. It's as simple as someone acknowledging that you are a woman -- does it make you uncomfortable to be called a woman because it calls attention to the fact that you have breasts and female anatomy? It shouldn't -- it's WHO YOU ARE. Accepting that you not only can be attractive or slim or fit, but that you actually are is incredibly important to accepting yourself at a lower and healthier weight. And, yes, that will bring with it issues of sexuality and being desirable and all that, and none of that is shameful. The sooner you are able to come to terms with those things, and with the idea that you should not only accept those realities but value them, the sooner your battles with weight and eating habits will diminish.

This seems to affect alot of women bc of all the responses I've gotten. And I never thought that I would feel like this.....so uncomfortable with the way I'm starting to change. I don't know this person anymore!

Original Post by halizabeth:

I think that type of mind set develops out of inappropriate attention from men when you were younger and/or awareness of how vulnerable you really are as you become attractive to a larger group of men.  I also love being sexier, but feel uncomfortable with some types of attention too. 

i SOOO understand you and the OP. i want to be called pretty by people i, ahem, choose, not by strangers who stare at me on the street, and i am only half  way there

Original Post by gi-jane:

I think this is a question of confidence.  Sound like your excess weight was acting as a kind of body armour in the past....  Being fat was a good way to hide.   Now you've shed the fat, you're out in the open, as it were. :-)  Decide what image you want to project and then dress and handle yourself accordingly.  If you don't want to be a 'hottie' dress elegantly but demurely, for example.  Learn how to look someone in the eye and say 'thank you' when they pay you a compliment rather than blushing or scuttling away..  And work on ways to boost your confidence.  Maybe set yourself some challenges and try to achieve them?  Partners, if they're a little insecure, can sometimes find the adjustment tricky.  But that's really their problem rather than yours.  

What you don't do is go back to 236lbs so that you can be invisible again... :-)   Give it time and you'll get used to the new you.

i agree. i have decided to give it some more time myself. i do not dress to show skin, nor i want to be a bombshell, just an elegant young woman

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i really know how you feel. i have lost 85 pounds now and let me say it is so different. my husband love plus size women so this really is a change for him also. keep up the good work i now have 30 more to go till i get to my personal goal.

When I went into Basic Military Training, I was 142. I had had a baby about 13 months prior and dropped from 175. I had to wear these horrible glasses called B.C.Gs (birth control glasses) and had a wretched haircut. 6 weeks later I was down to 118 and my hair had grown out . The whole time, there were guys in my brother flight who nicked named me the "fat little blond boy!" After we arrived at Tech school, those same jerks tried to hit on me and ask me for a date. One of them got punched in his stupid eye, crude little punk!

I finally had enough money to buy new glasses about 4 weeks after I graduated from basic. Those 10 weeks really were an eye opener for me. I never had to deal with people making fun of me before, and ignoring me because of my glasses. So, I just wanted to tell you this. The only opinion that matters is YOURS! The honks, whispers, snotty attitudes, hoots and hollers are just background noise. They don't define who or what you are or what you want to be.

As for your hubby, it seems like he's worried that you won't want him anymore because you have more attention then HE'S used to. Hence the fishing for compliments. It seems that he want to remind you that he's sexy and desirable too. This might be presumptuious, but talk to a counselor about how you guys can learn to communicate and relate to the "new" couple you've become.

It's one of those secret advantages to being fat that nobody tells you about - you don't get sexually harassed nearly as often, either on the street or on the job or with "friends".

That and the automatic a-hole detector: a-hole guys don't bother putting on a nice face for the fat girls. (Note: I'm talking about a minority of guys here, but thin girls will never know which ones they are).

I deal with the increasing sexual harassment on the street by being assertive to the point of aggressiveness. I'm still a sizable woman (5'8", size 12-14) and they don't mess with me (much) once I set them straight. It's not for everyone though. Maybe sarcastic humour would be best in the "friends" context - come up with zingers in advance and pull them out when needed. In job contexts, there are diplomatic ways of shutting someone down, sometimes with gentle humour, and ensuring that everyone saves face.

trustwomen - you area so right about the guys who don't put on a nice face for the fat girls. I sure do know who the a-holes are! I don't work, so I don't have to deal with that issue! :)  I try to be nice to these guys who hit on me, it's just coping with it all that's getting to me. Even when I'm at the gas station I get hit on! A guy yesterday wanted to pump my gas for me. Geeze! I just said no thanks, I can do it. Where was this guy 60 pounds ago last winter? lol

Responding to the original post here, as I haven't read the full thread yet.

I find comments about my weight loss, and how good I look, embarassing.  The hard bit is not letting it get to me.  The last thing I want to do is to start eating so I can hide behind the fat again.

I have trouble believing that the attention is genuine now that I am getting it. I have never been a normal weight during my teenage or adult life, and now that I am, I constantly doubt the motives of men who approach me, or people who look at me on the street.

I just started this life change experience but when i first had a ED I lost 64 pounds fast.... and i felt exposed.. for years i hide behind my fat and my baggy clothes.. losing the weight stuck me right out there, and i felt naked.. u know?  i guess thas why i put the weight back on.. one ed to another.. its like a vivicous cycle.. but n e ways this ppost isnt about a ed..... i think i know how you feel.. at this moment in my life i think that i will welcome the looks and the honks.. but i know that at times i wont want them either.. u just have to get use to the fact that your smaller, and sexier, and more attractive in certain people guys.. build ur self esteem up and know that ur a fox and then it will get easier.. ( I think at least.. but yeah... i get some looks now and im 295.. doesnt mean im not cute right? lol..