Feeling weird about losing weight & the attention

Let me first say that I am 43 rs old, married and mom of 2. This is the first time I've lost over 60 pounds and the deal is when I look at myself now, I don't know how I feel about the way I look. Yes I have stretch marks and I've been putting StriVectin on them to make them less noticeable. I'm becoming a "new" person.

I am excited about losing weight, BUT it's uncomfortable for me when I get beeps while I walk and the "looks" I get. I forgot what that kind of attention was like. I know I USE to like that attention. But now I don't. It's kinda scarey. I don't like being called "hot" by my husbands friends either. Yeah, they were overheard talking and someone told my hubby.

I even feel uncomfortable when my hubby puts his arms around me and says something about how small I'm getting. I should be flattered by the attention, but I'm not.

Anyone else have feelings like this after losing alot of weight? I'm not even done yet so I wonder how I'm going to feel after 20 more pounds are gone!

Mom of 2 funny kids, I can relate to your situation as well.  Attention based on sexual attractiveness just takes me by surprise every time now, after losing 30 lbs.  I feel sort of irritated, as though I'm being judged completely independent of who I am and the things I can do.  But that is actually how I think my way out of the discomfort: I think of all the things I can do with my new strong, healthy body, such as outrun/outbike/outswim the ignorant person currently commenting on the purely cosmetic virtues of my body. 

As for how it affects your marriage, I think you're right to feel a bit frustrated.  I like the idea of asking your husband to use adjectives when he compliments you that focus more on the amazing effort you're putting in, and how much more powerful you're becoming physically, instead of diminutive words like "small" and "sexy." 

Congratulations on your accomplishments, and good luck!

Thank you Erinread! I had a talk with hubby and he says he'll leave the "sexy" part out. He'll just think it! lol  I still think he thinks that I'm doing this to find a new man! I'm doing this for myself and my health for Pete's sake! THAT'S what I tell him! :D  I don't want him to feel insecure because I'm losing weight.

I guess this is something he has to get use to also. He's lost weight too! Almost 45 pounds now. And I KNOW he feels better about himself now. He mentions it everyday. There are times I'd like to tell him SO WHAT!?!?! I've lost 60!!! But I don't. And I don't talk about it everyday!

ive actually always been a fatty since day one......when i was only 12 i weighed 70 kgs .....now when im turning 22 ...i managed to lose 15 kgs....but it was all purely through crash diet........ i loved the attention of family and comments by ppl about how some one might ACTUALLY  wanna marry me now.  but u seee i was doing crash diet....the day i had one lil meal i gained a kg....the next day i gained another kg... im scared to even take a slice of apple now . in total i gained around 5-6 pounds in just 2 days..... and im worried why does it keep increasing.? i dont forget to take my walks and my running and my skipping and dancing but its as if it makes to difference at all.......im still gaining.....even if its only a lil snack or a bowl of fruits....my body makes the most out of it.

i REALLY need hellp pls some one tell me wat to do........

Thankfully, my husband is supportive and has told me that he's happy with my weight loss only because it makes me happier and more confident and he loves to see me smile more often.  He's been with me from skinny to my largest and now I'm working my way back to the beginning but even though he's naturally thin, it's never bothered him how I've looked.  I think someone who'd break up with someone based on weight (loss or gain) is a sh*thead. Just my opinion.

I have also been receiving a lot of attention due to my weight loss, even though it's been rather gradual (around 1 lbs a wk avg.) my co-workers have begun to notice and comment daily. I also work in customer service with regulars who've commented and such. I feel weird only in the fact that I'm still over 200 lbs and I feel like telling them...but I can look so much better! Just wait...But there's also people who have told me that I'm great where I am and I don't need to lose any more.  I've always been the girl people say, wow you have such a pretty face and ignore the rest of my body.  Now, I'm wearing the same kind of clothes but people are noticing that I have a body below my chin! So far, I'm happy with the comments as I use them as a sort of meter of progress and a motivator knowing that people will be watching if I eat that candy bar! I do feel uncomfortable if the same guy comes back to my desk several times to tell me over and over how beautiful I am.  I just smile and say, Thank you, I appreciate that.  then try and go about my business.  I just wonder if it will someday not be a daily thing that people comment on.  Will I get to a point in my weight loss when I'm not the 'headliner' so to speak?  I don't know....but it's certainly very very embarassing for my boss to tell customers, look she's lost all this weight, isn't she cute? OMIGOD! it's almost as bad as a mother pulling out nakie baby pics.  Jeez.  But...there's my two cents.  I suppose the summary is that I enjoy the attention as far as I'm glad that people are noticing that I'm attractive and that my outside is matching my inside once again but it does suck that in our society, no one noticed my 'personality' before the weight loss...LOL

nillytoots ~ It is so annoying when it's a daily conversation. My hubby was bringing it up everywhere we went until I told him to please stop. He couldn't understand it. But I, like you, do not want to be the topic of conversation everyday or everywhere! He says he's just so proud of me that he wants everyone else to be too.

Original Post by ayeshasaleh:

ive actually always been a fatty since day one......when i was only 12 i weighed 70 kgs .....now when im turning 22 ...i managed to lose 15 kgs....but it was all purely through crash diet........ i loved the attention of family and comments by ppl about how some one might ACTUALLY  wanna marry me now.  but u seee i was doing crash diet....the day i had one lil meal i gained a kg....the next day i gained another kg... im scared to even take a slice of apple now . in total i gained around 5-6 pounds in just 2 days..... and im worried why does it keep increasing.? i dont forget to take my walks and my running and my skipping and dancing but its as if it makes to difference at all.......im still gaining.....even if its only a lil snack or a bowl of fruits....my body makes the most out of it.

i REALLY need hellp pls some one tell me wat to do........

Of course you were fat when you were a baby. All of us were, unless born prematurely or with severe medical problems. Baby fat tends to go away around 18-20 years old in us females. Guys, I think it burns off a bit earlier. In some, it doesn't burn off for a bit longer.

From another fatso, I'd highly recommend some research before writing yourself off as unlovable, unmarriable, or otherwise letting your body control your self-worth. I'm no doctor, and if you seem to be gaining weight without any reason, you might want to get checked out. A thyroid problem can be well hidden and cause serious weight issues, so can PMS, diabetes, or all sorts of medicines. I gain five pounds basically overnight due to PMS, ARGH!!! But, the weight goes right back off a few days later, so it appears to be my normal.

So, if the doc says you're normal and doesn't have any restrictions for you, first, spend a week watching people and googling anthropology sites with lots of pictures. Don't worry about weight or anything else. You can't gain enough weight in a week to cause harm, even if you tried. See what sort of things guys and gals do to their bodies and still end up finding love. There's even a few pictures circling the internet of incredibly obese people in wedding dresses. Sure, lots of jerks make fun of 'em, but they make fun of the skinny people right back. People are basically jerks so deal with it, you'll eventually find someone who's not a flaming a-hole, maybe even more than one, turn 'em into friends, and marry your best friend. Don't feel stupid or useless with what you find out, that's just being selfish. You can feel kind of silly for thinking, even for a second, that you might be written off and end up an old maid (or butt-ler for that matter). Have some fun with it. If you feel good while other people are feeling bad, even if they try to make you feel bad, you'll really irritate them. It's okay to take secret delight in irritating a-holes. You may find out that men are really stupid and marry all sorts of freaks, even those gals in that one tribe that put a bunch of rings around their necks or and another tribe that puts plates in their lips. Of course some countries on this planet think females are absolutely worthless, yet they still seem to be able to maintain their population so some reproduction is going on. I know there has to be some countries that think males are worthless, but I haven't found them yet, and, even so, reproduction still goes on.

Second, spend some serious time on the http://www.dietitian.com/ site. Read all the FAQs. Do the calculators. See what daily calorie intake you need to, read carefully here, to maintain your weight at a sedentary level. Multiply it times seven to calculate your weekly caloric intake. Now, I don't know about you, but I have a ton of other stuff I'd rather be doing than counting calories, so I estimate what I eat, and if I end up gaining a pound instead of maintaining it, I know I didn't estimate properly, thus need to spend more attention on calories. It won't harm you to maintain your weight for a week, even if you are severely obese. If the earth shakes when you walk, and the US Geologic Survey Office calls you when you fall down to make sure it wasn't an earthquake, you can still survive on week at the same weight. If the doc says you have two weeks to live, that is a different story, listen to the doc, but otherwise, see if you can maintain a week at the same weight. I bet you can't. I bet the food producers hide so much junk in the sodas, fruits, and so on, that you will still gain a pound or two by estimating your calorie intake. It doesn't mean you are stupid, it means you need to do more research and pay a little more careful attention to your food intake. Oh, BTW, your weight can fluctuate several pounds in a day based on dehydration, water level, a good bowel movement, or the cheap POS scale being out of calibration. I had one doc's scale claim I gained ten pounds in a hour. The calibration was off! All that panicking for nothing.... *SIGH* Anyways, see if you can maintain your weight for a week, eating the amount of calories the calculator says. I find Ms. Larsen's site to be quite accurate and worthy of attention.

Now, run through Ms. Larsen's calculators again and see what caloric intake would be required for losing two pounds per week. This is real life, not some stupid TV show, so losing two pounds a week is a great rate. See if you can reduce the intake to that level, again, averaged out over a week unless you like wasting time obsessing over food. Try to see if you can lose a single ounce from the start of the week to the end of it. Spend your free time looking over beauty sites on the internet or, preferably in the local library, You're looking for sites that explain fashion, how to chose clothes that fit well and colors that go together. Even look up some stuff on makeup or holistic beauty. It's work, but it'll pay off, trust me. Yeah I know, I'm some idiot on the internet, but I've done real research on this and am quite tired of all the bull excrement that's been shoved down our throats about how if we don't look like a concentration camp victim with a ton of makeup, then we are worthless, fat, and deserve to be punished. It's all a ploy for someone to get power over you, and worse, they don't know you individually. When you are looking for beauty sites, find those linked by college professors, government sites, and some of the more enlightened women's magazines. If they are selling a "solution" find another site.

If you see some ideas you want to adopt, like better posture, go for it, but now's not really the time to be implementing too many changes. You don't want to scare people too badly or give them too much to work. After all, now they are going to have to deal with you looking better than them and for some people, that's going to be hard work. Imagine what would happen if you stopped letting your sense of worth be dependent on other people and demanded people deal with you as you are, they'd lose control over you. You'd really irritate them. You might even anger them. In the words of the bully on the Simpson show, "HAH HAH". The jerks will have to find another way to tease you or to attempt to make you feel bad for their own amusement.

With that said, remember we didn't pop out of the womb with an instruction manual, so unless your family is whacked, they are really attempting to do and say things that they think will help you. They may not know it won't help and may not be strong enough to change to things that would help you even if they know what they're doing isn't helping. Forgiving them for being human will make you feel better, even if you never tell 'em they're forgiven. In many ways, secret forgiveness is really cool as it is absolutely not selfish, only you and your chosen deity, if any, will know that you took the high ground.

We're now three weeks into this project, Objective:You. So far the only thing we've tried to do is lose one miserable little ounce using an accurate scale. If you've done that, congrats! You're better off than most Americans who can't seem to do anything other than gain weight and they don't have any excuses. They know better and still gain weight. They're too lazy to do any research, ask for assistance, or anything else. They want a quick fix pill, or a cheap surgery, instead of being willing to accept responsibility for getting themselves into their current situation. You, on the other hand, have done some research, even if it was only posting your first message and reading my response. You go!

If you really want your eyes opened, take a look at the RDA studies done in the late 1990's, especially the carbohydrate counts. For ladies 20-30, the number was something like 50-100 carbohydrates a day for maintaining weight. These studies have been out for years, yet the laws still require nutrition labels on food to do calculations for for TWO HUNDRED CARBS PER DAY. Unless we're Michael Phelps, we don't need 200 carbs a day. And get this, the government wonders why Americans are so fat. Hmmm… And, many of us folks just don't care about how you look and what you weigh. We're so caught up with what is happening to whomever on TV, or the mess in our own lives, that we really don't have time to waste fretting over you. It's not personal, it's just that most of us aren't pleasant to be around, aren't good listeners, and nothing is going to change that. Some of us even have the perspective that in a hundred years, it is not going to matter anyways.

Now, play with food for a bit. This won't get you into trouble like when you were a kid. We're going to forget about the starving Africans and not clean our plates off at each meal. Try to see if you can, over the course of a week, gain or lose one pound. If you do two, that's okay. Try harder the next week paying even more attention to calorie intake and loss. If you can control your weight, the world is your oyster suitable for your prying open if and when you desire. Your future significant other is out there, just probably not where you are currently looking. Maybe he or she is reading this now, thinking how silly it was to have been controlled for years by wrong information. I digress again, anyways, by now you should know what a healthy weight range is for your body structure and activity level. It's up to you to decide if you want to fuss with getting yourself into that range slowly, quickly, or if it happens, great, if it doesn't, great. You now know that some guys like their ladies five by five (Read the Song of Solomon), and some gals like their guys to be able to restrain any would-be attacker by sitting on them. Decide what you want to be and go be it. If you change your mind later, great, go be that.

You might be happy to know that while I typed the above, I polished off the last of the kielbasa and the last slice of German chocolate cake with extra chocolate frosting. Now when I fall down it's going to register as a 3.4 instead of a 3.2 magnitude earthquake, and the sensor is just north of my house. Unlike the skinny dweeb at the USGS that calls me all the time, I happen to enjoy my food for what it is, good tasting food that fuels my body for what I want to do. I might have a salad for dinner tonight, or I might forget, and not have a salad, but, over this next week, it'll average out and I'll probably, hopefully, lose a pound or two. If not, there is always next week. I have true freedom, I like myself, warts, rolls of fat, and all. I know that I am not on the path to "mental illness" which comes from internalizing the criticism and guilt laid down by people who really need a whack upside the head.

Just kidding, I should not have had that chocolate cake, but, when the choice is between killing the next person that walks by or having a slice of chocolate cake, I think the chocolate cake was a great choice. The person walking by agrees. Thank you PMS!

BTW, I didn't say which day the week started. Or the day that the week ended.

Let us know how it goes for you. We're here to kick you in the pants when needed, and, also commiserate when needed. We're not here to read about you wallowing into the depths of anorexia or other eating disorders, so head to another website for that.

hi momof2funykids,

I have lost a lot of weight as well (approx. 220 lbs) and I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same way. I am quite frequently uncomfortable being noticed in a sexual way. I am not sure if it is because I still feel like, or think I look like, how I used to look OR if it is because I can't help but wonder to myself if the nice guy who held the door open for me and shot me a cute smile would have done so 50+ lbs ago.

It seems like a lot of the times people shrug off compliments and I think that this feeling of uncomfortablness is some manifestation of this.

Hmmmm  That's something to think about. I'm so gald so many people share this with me.  I still look in the mirror and can't believe how I look! My smallest jeans are now getting bigger on me. So that means I'm getting smaller! YAY!!!  I get so excited about this. But yet that means more attention.

Went to my MIL's last night and the first thing she said was "wow! You're getting small!" I said thanks. Then she asked how much more do I want to lose? In the way like she was saying I was small enough. Why do people do that?  I'm in no way at a healthy weight yet and have atleast 20 more pounds to go.

I just got back to my college town, and I think I've been looked at much more than before. It's a little weird because I never remember that I AM smaller and probably look better.

It is weird when you've been big for a while and don't notice you've changed. I've been big all of my life and being looked at in a different light is certainly new.

One thing that I've noticed and that while I'm eating, I get looked at funny. My food is whole grains, healthy stuff. I think it's just that many people don't eat it...I don't know. But a few days ago, my best friend kept talking about dieting around me. I hadn't said a word about it because I know some people don't want to hear about it. I don't know if it was threatening to her (she's bigger than I am, always has been) or if she was shocked that I could graze all day and not gain weight. It was slightly annoying but if I were in her shoes I'd be curious, as well.

Original Post by belladonna69:

go with it. at least you get attention. seems like no one but my husband has noticed that i've lost weight, tho it's obvious that i have. people have no problem telling you when you've gained weight, but cant seem to wrap their lips around the words, "wow, you've lost weight haven't you?! you look great!"

I know what you mean.  I lost over 100 pounds in just over a year (I'm only 5 feet tall, so you can imagine how much 100 pounds dropped looks like), and it wasn't until I was 50 pounds lighter that anyone even commented.  As soon as I was just about at my goal weight, that's when the compliments started flooding in.  It just goes to show you that people are way too conditioned to the magazine standard of what "good" looks like, and unless you are just about the same, you are really oceans away according to society.  

I too have been trying to wrap my head around all the compliments and attention from men since loosing the weight.  What really bugs me is the guys from my office asking me out all of a sudden.  These are the same guys that I have known for the past 8 years, and we have conversed on a daily basis the whole time, yet as soon as you loose the weight, all of a sudden, you are acceptable to ask out?  It makes men look bad, is what it does. 

Another side note, I think I said this privately to someone but I'll post it here too but one reason some people have told me that they DIDN'T say something before now is that they were unsure of themselves.  They noticed right away that I'd lost weight but were afraid to bring it up for fear of either 1) embarassing me or 2) noticing that I even had weight to lose at all.  They thought that by commenting on my weight loss they would make me feel bad about myself like if I hadn't actually lost weight that it would make me feel as though I needed to.  So, maybe that's why some people don't comment on weight loss or gain as a matter of fact cause it's just such a touchy subject depending on who is on the receiving end.

I think that's likely the case, most of the time. I have lost over 60 lbs this year, and over 80 down from my highest weight...and it took a long time for people to start commenting. One lady said she noticed but wasn't sure she should mention it and kind of laughed self-conscoiusly, when another less reserved co-worker brought it up in front of her with me. I used to hate the comments...but now, this time when I know it's for good, I am glad for them!

And where are all these men who hit on you. I guess I am not there yet lol...I haven't noticed any more or less than usual, really, which means not a lot.

And mm-coady...holy crap! What an amazing accomplishment, you are my hero!

Hey, I am in the same boat as you...2 kids and over the past year I lost almost 55 pounds.  I keep hearing comments from people, both men and women about how good I now look.  Part of me is pissed, like "What? I was a fat pig before?" and the other part is just tired of it.  I am mostly tired of the questions about how I lost the weight...I lost 20 pounds initially due to an ulcer, then I changed my eating habits and cut way back on food.  I would have lost ZERO weight if I went on a diet, but I cut out all snacks & eat smaller portions of the same stuff I ate before.  People want to hear that I took a pill or something...a person even asked if I had my stomach stapled! People don't want to hear that it was something that required sacrifice and change. I eat so much less now than I did before, but I don't deny myself...if I want cake, I eat it, if I want ice cream, I eat it.  I just eat a smaller portion and drink water.  I also get up and move after every meal, even if just for a quick, brisk walk.

I was never big until I was almost 30, then I packed on 50-60 pounds and went from a size 6 to a size 16.  I didn't feel fat because I was still fit and had good blood pressure, etc, but I am shocked when I see pictures of how big I was before I lost the weight.  Now I am back into size 6's and medium tops versus XL.  It took me a long time to buy new clothes, all of my pants were falling off of me, but I still reached for 12's until my husband said to buy smaller. It felt weird.  Also, my husband still has the weight he gained after we were married, about 60-70 extra pounds, so I don't think he is happy I lost this weight, he hugs me and says "There is nothing left to you!"

It is a conflicted place to be..I know I am at a healthier weight now and I do like buying cuter clothes, but I feel like people think I am better now that I am smaller in size, when I am the same person on the inside.  Still, I am happy I changed my eating habits because I want to live a long, healthy life.