just a few pounds to gain?

Hi folks. I'm wondering if anybody out there is like me. I'm recovering from ED-NOS. I was never very underweight, but I did lose some weight and then I lost my period, and still haven't gotten it back for about a year now.

I have now experienced in action the idea that you can be dissatisfied with yourself at any weight, and that you think losing just a few pounds will make you feel better, but you still just feel fat. I'm hoping it can work the other way and maybe I can remind myself that if I gain a few pounds I'll probably not feel much worse (I feel like crap now, so what do I have to lose?) and I may get a lot healthier in the process.

Right now I weigh 112. I have been at 111-112 for quite some time. My nutritionist would like me to be at 115 (and fluctuating up from that, not down). I am 5'3 and feel like this is a lot for my height, but it also is a weight I menstruated at, so maybe it's a better weight for me at my adult height.

Anyway, I'm afraid of having a "gaining" mindset or trying to gain. I'm afraid of increasing my intake, because even though right now I know I should gain a few pounds, I don't want that to be "taken away from me" by hitting my target. I feel like right now if I allow myself to be a little more relaxed about my eating or exercise, it's okay because I'm "supposed" to put on a few pounds. But if I do, then I'll no longer have any "justification" and I'm afraid of going right back to the height of my obsessiveness.

Does anybody else just have a few pounds to gain and feel the same way?

Yes yes yes!

I'm 5'4", always bouncing around from 108-110ish (in the morning, haha), and recovering from ED-NOS as well.  I was also never that underweight (maybe 103-104, and only from a short time).  I don't want to gain anything now, but I'm trying to not feel so BAD about it when it happens, you know?  I, too, have trouble justifing it.  Errrg.  Anyway, just wanted to say YES I totally know how you feel!!!