My fiance criticises my lifestyle choice. Help!

So, I've been with this fella for over two years. We just recently got engaged and both of us are happy with our relationship. He knew me back when I was in highschool, before I went vegetarian and more recently vegan, so for him I think it seems like 'just a phase' or something. He makes shots at me when we go out to dinner with his friends and comments on how 'disgusting' my fake meat is. He calls me 'holier than thou' and says I think I'm better than him because I don't eat animal products... which couldn't be farther from the truth. When I do grocery shopping I buy him whatever he wants to eat and I make him whatever he wants for dinner without criticising him or complaining at all!

I don't know where he gets the impression that I feel somehow 'better' than him because I don't eat beef or chicken. I don't think he really understands the effect these comments have on me. I'm trying to do something good for myself, the environment and factory farm animals. I feel strongly about my lifestyle choice, but I would never pressure him into making that decision for himself.

How can I communicate this to him and have him understand without becoming defensive? Any other vegan or veg girls out there who are having this problem? I'm pretty frustrated, and since every other aspect of our relationship is relatively perfect I'd hate for this to be something that drives a wedge between us since it's something as insignificant as different tastes in food.

have you tried sitting him down and telling him what you posted?  and started out by emphasizing

1. please please don't be defensive because i know you love me and wouldn't do anything intentionally to hurt my feelings.  i just want to address this issue, because it IS something that has been bothering me, and i know i would want you to do the same if i was doing something unintentionally that was bothering you in the same way.

2. I feel that you are not accepting of my life style choice by your comments and actions.  I want you to know that I geniunely fully support your life style choices and in no way shape or form think my way of life should be imposed on you.  I just want to feel you support me in the same way.  Maybe there is something I can say or do that you feel I am lacking to do to help express my support of you.  Let both do something for each other to help strengthen our mutual respect, love and support for each other and enrich our relationship and lives.

if you are geniune and he still doesn't listen to your concerns when presented in a reasonable, heart felt and non-accusatory tone...i don't know what to suggest!

It's not just 'different tastes in food' though, is it?  You're talking about environment and farm animals, not which flavour of ice-cream you prefer.  You're calling it a lifestyle choice, not a food choice.  Presumably you've articulated your new-found beliefs at some point along the way?  In making different choices for yourself and judging those choices according to new criteria you are tacitly rejecting his choices as inferior ... that's enough to cause a rift.  You've changed.... he hasn't.

Whether it's politics, religion or vegetarianism, I think relationships where people believe radically different things are a very difficult thing to get right.

Here's a discussion that could throw the subject into sharp relief and find out how strongly you both really feel....   If/when you have children would you raise them vegan or omnivore?....   

Thanks, cereal! I haven't really sat down and had a heart-to-heart with him about it yet, or said anything beyond a "hey, that's not nice, I don't appreciate it". I'll give the sit-down talk thing a try. If I set it in front of him in black-and-white and explain exactly how I feel about the situation and why, maybe he'll understand. I can suck at being direct, sometimes. Hopefully it doesn't make him too nervous when I actually try it!

gi-jane. That's some real tough-love advice, there. So basically what you're saying is if two people have different religious, political or ethical views they cannot possibly co-exist in a happy relationship? He's a christian and I'm not and we decided that if we had children we'd let them grow up and make their own decission where religion was concerned. I'm a liberal but I wouldn't be angry if my kids decided they'd want to vote NDP. I suspect it would be similar with diet. Since I do all the cooking my kids would likely be eating mostly vegetables and whole grains, but if Dad say, had a barbecue, by all means, let them have a hamburger. When they're old enough to make the decission for themselves what they want to eat and why, then they will make that decission.

Sugars and refined foods? Well, that's another story. It'd be a frosty day in hell before my kids got a bowlful of captain crunch. o.o

Basically, I'm not calling him or his beliefs inferior, I'm simply stating that they aren't right for me. Voting NDP isn't right for me, Sunday service isn't right for me, dating other girls isn't right for me, and eating steak isn't right for me. That doesn't mean they aren't right for you, or anyone else. It is a personal choice, and not one I can or would force on anyone else. Can't we all just accept eachother for who we are and be friends?

I have to say I did think long and hard on your response, though. Thank you for giving me something to metaphorically 'chew on'.

viyahn,

To you, a lifestyle is an individual's decision. It does not appear that your fiance' thinks the same way or he would not feel threatened enough to criticize. That is where Gi-Jane sees the potential for a serious problem and why you need to iron it out asap. What cerealaddiction suggests is the most straight forward way. Perhaps if he can feel comfortable that you will not make him give up meat someday or that you will try to guilt him into it, he will give you the same degree of consideration you are obviously giving him.

Peace,

Original Post by viyahn:

 So basically what you're saying is if two people have different religious, political or ethical views they cannot possibly co-exist in a happy relationship?

 That's not what I said.... I said it was 'very difficult to get right'.  Because your religious & political views were known when you got together it's less of an issue because you were both 'sold as seen'... you had chance to decide up front whether these were differences of opinion you could accommodate or not.   The veganism is a new development.  It wasn't part of your original 'spec'.  It would be the same if you'd met at rifle shooting club and enjoying target practice together had been part of your courtship but he subsequently decided that he was going to join the anti-gun lobby.  On the kids' food issue... you're OK with him cooking them hamburgers occasionally but have you asked him how he'd feel if you fed them grains and veggies the rest of the time?  

You're not calling his eating habits inferior directly and I'm sure you're very diplomatic but by rejecting them for yourself and saying 'this isn't right for me' the inference is there that it shouldn't be right for others either.  

It really is something you have to iron out in the early days and not let drag on unresolved.  In relationships, things that start out as 'minor niggles' are often on the court papers in the ultimate divorce. 

Um, are you sure you really want to marry this man?  I think his criticism of you, particularly in front of his friends, is more worrisome than what you're eating or not eating.

It sounds like it's more of a control issue with him.  Why does he feel the need to be 'in charge' of your eating habits/lifestyle, since you're obviously not letting his choices of such matters affect your life and feelings for him?  It isn't as if you are doing something that will hurt you, like a drug addiction or some other unhealthy habit.  It seems he's making his love for you, conditional.

Besides the control issue, he's not showing any respect for you or your beliefs.  It may seem, right now, in other areas that everything is hunky-dory, but I promise you, once you get married, these type of issues will come out in a whole lot more areas than just this one.  It'll also come out in a much bigger way.

You certainly should have an honest discussion with him, and try to educate him in regards to your choices, but I'd go very slowly on making a permanent commitment to this man.  Actions do speak louder than words; if he really loves you, he'll treat you with dignity and respect, including your choices.  He doesn't have to agree with your choices, but the dignity/respect for what you're all about is essential!

Trust me, I've had one serious 'live-in' relationship, and I'm now on my second marriage.  This is an instance where you need to let your head rule, not your heart. 

I'm not saying this relationship is doomed, but he needs to alter his behavior big-time, or you are in for a very bumpy ride in the future.

Take care, and best wishes.  Let us know how things work out.

I married a carnivore. He is originally from the US and grew up eating absolutely no vegetables, only meat, bread and candies. He was extremely unhealthy and had not tried almost every food that I eat!

At first, I was eating chicken and fish so it was not a big deal. We could both eat the same meals and enjoy it. But when I made the switch to become vegetarian, it got harder and he got sick of having to eat vegetarian because he didn't have the pasison for animals that I did.

I don't force myself on him, but I have my boundaries. I would not be happy if he ordered a huge steak or veal if we went out to dinner. Also I view pigs as pets and so he rarely eats 'pork', especially not in front of me.

He is gradually becoming more compassionate to animals and also I'm doing a degree in nutrition at college, so he is respecting what I say about meat and dairy a lot more now. I can see that he wants to make some kind of change in his life with his diet, but he is definitely not ready to be vegetarian and probably never will be. What's important to me is that he cares about animals and is a good person. Even when I was a meat eater, I cared about animals. So I can understand when people just ignore the cruelty because they don't want to give up meat and put in that effort. Ignorance is bliss, they say. But I couldn't ignore it for very long, hence why I haven't eaten red meat or chicken for years.

Just sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you are extremely passionate about your lifestyle and that it's become a part of your foundation of who you are. Tell him that you need him to respect who you are as a person & not insult you in any way about it. Just show him that it's not some fad and that it's something that you can't tolerate beind teased or laughed at. As I told my husband... it's not about me or you. it's about the animals.

As for feeling like you are 'holier than thou'. If you really don't say anything to make him feel guilty, perhaps he is feeling guilty on his own and deep down he can see why you are not eating meat. Perhaps he cares about animal welfare too but doesn't want to give up his lifestyle.

What I can tell you is that one day you will probably not be happy to cook his meat for him. When you have seen how animals in slaughter houses are treated and you have felt that disgust and disturbed feeling, you can't go back. I used to cook my husband meat but it ate at me gradually and now I cannot be around any of it.