It Finally Happened...

My husband said he struggling with not being attracted to me because of the weight I've put on since our wedding.  I weighed 175 when we married and I weigh 275 now.  Now, don't get me wrong, he was very loving during this conversation and did approach it from a "worried about your health" place first.  He has never said a word to me over the 10 years that I have steadily been gaining weight.  He has always been affectionate and loving and tells me I am beautiufl all the time and I know he would never hurt my feelings if he could avoid it.  My weight has been driving a wedge between us the last few months, and in my heart I knew it.  Hearing it put into words really hurt, but I am also glad it is out there. 

I hate how I look.  I am disgusted with myself and I can't believe I have allowed myself to get so heavy.  I've tried over and over through the years to lose weight and I never seem to have any success.  I know what the problem is, too.  It's me.  I overeat.  I love food, everything about it.  Texture, look, smell, you name it.  I love to cook and create new dishes.  I love to eat.  Even when I am trying to eat healhty, I just eat too much.  I know the problem, but I just can't seem to get control.  I want to lose 100 pounds.  This is my fourth try at calorie-count, which I believe in my heart is the way to go.  Thanks for letting me vent.  I feel a lot better and tomorrow is a new day.  Good luck to all of us. 

I'm sorry you're hurt shekitty, but its true that tomorrow is a new day! There are people here with the same goals as you, maybe join a motivation group and that might make you feel better. It really helps to have people to talk to, and whatever problems you come up against its fairly likely someone here is going through it too! Good luck!

I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting. But you have got to want to do this for yourself not for your husband. You will resent him in the long run.

You can do this and we can all help to support you and keep you motivated!!

~Good Luck

I think when we don't feel so good about our image, it tends to be projected into other things.  Maybe your husband wants you to feel better about yourself and this is his way of helping to bring about some changes?

I was starting to reach a weight I was very uncomfortable with when I began here.  My drive in my relationship had diminshed quite a bit and my attitude was turing sour.  I know now it was because I felt bad about how I had let my body get and I also felt bad physically.  I felt tired all of the time.

Making small positive changes one day at a time and turning them into habits can have an amazing effect on our lives. It does take some time but time really does pass so quickly.  If you begin today and just set mini goals for yourself, you will soon see changes - both big and small.  And there are lots of folks here who will support you every single day.

I want to add some of my feelings to this post.. When I met my boyfriend I was prob 125, after 12 years and 2 kids I was 170lbs+ and not happy.. Once I started losing weight I realized how unhappy I really was and starting feeling so much better about myself.. Now I am a little angry that I spent the last 7 years of my life not loving myself..  Even the smallest changes helped out.. The first time I bought new pants, finding out I had dropped from a 13/15 to a 10, seeing the scale countinue downward over the past year.. Don't think about doing it for your husband, do it for yourself and I PROMISE YOU, you will be so happy with yourself FOR YOURSELF.. Once you see the first few changes it's enough to keep you motivated..  We are all here for the same reason, motivation is the key and somedays if you can't find it on your own you will find it here!!

Good luck on your journey, s-kitty. Stay strong and don't give up, and you will find success. Many others here have had to lose 100 pounds or more and have succeeded. You will too.

Welcome Back.

I can deinitley commiserate a little. I'm not married, but I've been with the same person for 6 1/2 years. I asked him one time if he would like me more if I was skinny. He said something like "I'd probably touch you more". I was so mortified and hurt that I didn't know what to say. That was years ago and it took me until now to want to do this for myself and not for him.

He does tell me he loves me just the way I am. And he occasionally worries that I'm going to get "too skinny" for his standards as he hates the "model look". I will never look like a model so he's got nothing to worry about but I thought that was sweet.

Hey shekitty...

I definitely believe CC is the way to go... something happened when I started reading these forums...I all of the sudden realized that I couldn't be in this crazed hurry to get thin...  that my goal weight was not some sort of finish line.. instead it was time to change my life... pay attention to my body.. and feel good!

The abbreviated story is three years ago I lost 168 pounds, met a guy, fell in love, married him, gained 75 because I forgot about a lifestyle choice...

He too has told me that he found me more attractive when we met (which was the FIRST time since I was 12 years old that I wasn't obese.. and I'm 34 now)

Anyway... commit to yourself... plan... take it one day at a time and come to us when you need help... There's a 100 pound to lose thread... all of us coming from the same kind of background.. and everyone here to help and support.

I know it is hard to  have people tell us things that hurt our feelings but just think how hard it was for him to say it. Obviously he didn't want to hurt your feelings and I am sure there is no easy way to tell someone you are over weight and I wish you lose some. My husband would never tell me either but the mirror tells me everytime I look. In fact there is a fat lady in every reflection and shadow I see and she keeps telling me everyday.

Yes you have to do this for yourself fisrt but it is ok to also say I am doing this for my husband alos because I love him and I want us both to be happy.

 Hang in there it will be a long struggle. It may be one of the hardest things you have ever done. I am struggleing every day myself but I am determined to stay with a health lifestyle and my husband not only supports me in it but is also processing the info I get from cc right along with me.

Try not to get to focused in the beginning on what the scales say. Just try to start making small changes in your everyday living. Alittle more exercise and a little less food. Don't think of this as a diet but a lifestyle change and that it is going to be forever.

Most of don't beat yourself up if you have some slip ups because they will happen. Just take it one day at a time

Good luck and best wishes and come back and visit anytime you need support have questions or just want to tell us about a good moment in your life

(((((hugs)))))  That is hard news to digest from a husband isn't it.  I know you can be successful!!!

Such a hard conversation to have, but I agree that if he did it lovingly it was probably just as hard for him.  I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to do things for yourself as well as to ensure you are going to be there for your spouse for as long as possible.

I the past I roller coastered a bit in weight, and realized in the process that my marriage and how I acted around my spouse was effected.  In the past year that I have been able to stabilize my weight, I feel like I am a more positive member of our relationship, because I'm not down on myself all the time.....I can focus on being happy and living. 

You are worth doing what it takes to be happy with yourself, and you will spill that happyness into every area of your life.  Good luck and since I am new to the site...hope to see you around. 

same thing happened to me-mortified, then angry, embarassed~

I lost some weight, felt great, got over-confident and put it all back on.  am finding i'm avoiding seeing "summer" visitors, going places BC of the weight.

i get jumpy & irritable when i'm hungry-anyone else with this problem?

Plus i can't sleep when i'm hungry

I also get jumpy & irritable when I do not eat...it took 2-3 weeks of really feeling uncomfortable before my body adapted to lowered calories. I aslo wake up very hungry. I drink herbal tea, and it does help, as long as there is no caffiene.
Walmart has this wonderful invention by Mr. Coffee called an ice tea maker. It was the ABSOLUTE best 20 bucks I spent this summer! I can make ALL types of iced herbal tea, and it has been a blessing to get rid of hunger & cravings. The Good Earth teas have helped tremendously.
I have lost 8 lbs in 5 weeks. Not bad for a 52 year old sedentary woman. And I am getting ready to add the exercise. EXERCISE moderately and it will REALLY help with feeling blue. Trust me. Go out early or late walking if you are too embarrassed during the day. Make it your time.
If you drink the tea after 6pm, it will  help with the hunger. If you wake up, drink more & walk around the block! Then try to go back to sleep. Takes one to know one! HA!

Shekitty, it sounds to me like you have a very loving and concerned husband.  Our mates would be lying big time if they said that they found us just as attractive at 100+ lbs overweight than if we were leaner and healthier.  Don't get me wrong, they might LOVE us the same at any weight, but being overweight does effect attraction.  That?s perfectly natural.  And you don?t have to be a little stick person to be attractive either.  My goal weight is 145, which is very reasonable for a 5? 7.5? woman.  I might get down to 155 or 150 and decide that works for me.  I don?t want to be skinny, and my fiancé doesn?t want me to be either.  We both want me to be leaner, stronger, and healthier.  Fit is sexy!

I was 225 when I started here, and my sweetie of 15 years still loved me.  But now I've lost 42 lbs and he certainly is more attracted to me, and that rocks.  And it's not all about looks either.  I feel better about myself, and better self esteem is sexy.  I feel better, I?m already more fit, and I have more energy.  That means I can do more with my sweetie, both in and out of the bedroom, and that?s awesome!  And I didn?t have to get down to goal weight to see improvements.  I still have 40 lbs to go, but already my life and my sex life with my fella is better.

And it isn?t all about my relationship either.  Now that I am eating healthy and exercising, I feel so much better that it?s amazing.  And I noticed changes in the way I felt right away.  Getting daily exercise and proper nutrition caused big changes in the way I felt after the first couple weeks.  It?s worth getting into better shape just for that!  I was at 225 and completely unfit.  I couldn?t even walk up the stairs to my apartment without sucking wind and feeling terrible.  I didn?t sleep well.  I felt tired all the time.  After a couple weeks of eating right and exercising, the improvement to how I felt was shocking.  So it?s well worth the effort.

If I can lose weight, anyone can.  Use the tools here to find out what a reasonable calorie goal is for you.  It doesn?t have to be drastic, it needs to be reasonable.  Me, I eat an average of 1750 cals a day, and do moderate exercise 30 minutes to an hour a day.  That?s a reasonable plan for me, and one I can stick to for the long haul.  Eat healthier: whole grains, veggies, lean meats, fruit and nonfat dairy in moderation.  Complex carbs are great.  They keep you going!  Try to limit simple carbs, they spike your blood sugar and leave you hungry.  Get some daily exercise, even if it?s just a walk for 30 minutes a day.  It does take some planning and commitment, but it really isn?t that hard.  Use the boards here to help stay motivated and to ask questions.  And there?s a great Yahoo group I belong to that I find very motivating.  It?s here:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/weightlo ssbuddies2/

The thing to remember is that it took time to put on the weight; it?s going to take time to lose it.  However, the benefits of exercising and healthy eating will make a big difference right away!  We can both do this!

Shekitty,

I wish you the very best on your journey to fitness. :)

Rachel

I hear you, girl.  I've been there too.  I was once about 250-260.  And now I'm back down to 170!  If I could do it, YOU can do it!  It's a long hard haul, and the 2 year goal is a great idea!! 
First idea:  wear a pedometer.  See how many steps you walk in a day - put it on first thing in the morning; take it off as you climb in bed.  Each week try to walk more steps than the week before.  With the goal of reaching 10,000 per day.  Yes, it's hard. 
I like to march in place a LOT especially during commercials or when I'm loading the dishwasher or brushing my teeth.  An elliptical machine is great too, either join a gym or buy a machine if you can - it's easy on the knees.
Have you heard of FlyLady.net?  She has a great book called "Body Clutter."  I highly recommend the book.
Also, I joined Jenny Craig - and if you really stick with the program and bring in every week what you ate the week before, the consultants are really really nice.  Try to get a consultant who has worked there more than 5 years if you can.  They turn every negative into a positive so we stop beating ourselves up.
If I had the strength to, I'd let you in my head to hear all the negative talk I used to yell at myself terribly.  But I don't do it any more!!!  Thanks to Jenny Craig.  And I re-learned a normal amount of food per day to eat + what a snack looks like... etc.
Add a HUGE green salad to your lunch meal too, go light on the dressing.
Add salsa to everything.  Start eating from the produce section in your grocery store.  Skip the chips / dip / soda / cookie aisle.  Just skip those aisles.  
Best wishes & much love,I'm here for you... I drove through Nashville last week!!!  Maybe I'll meet you one day.
-Jodi in VA 

Your story is all too familiar - it sounds like the conversation my husband had with me awhile back. When we got married 34 years ago I weighed 125 lbs and when I began my diet almost 3 months ago I weighed 221 - so that 100 lb gain is also something I can relate to.

Do it for yourself - to be healthier, to get in touch with your body, to look better, to be more at peace with yourself. Do it since you love yourself, and by taking care of yourself, you will also be expressing love for your husband.

Do it one day at a time and set very small goals. Don't think about failures in the past or dwell on how much you overall want to lose, but concentrate on your small successes. These small ones definitely grow into bigger ones.

I have lost 40 lbs so far and have another 42 to go to get to a healthy weight for my height/age. Every day I re-commit myself to the process of dieting and exercise. Every day I persuade myself again that it is a good way to live my life.

I too am addicted to food, and I assume that the addiction will never completely pass - but I believe that we have the power to rework those addictive neural networks in our brain and create new ones that lead to a healthier life.

Sticking to a healthy diet and exercise is mostly a psychological feat, much more than a physical one. One of my techniques for making the psychological switch is just to talk aloud to myself every day. I tell myself that I can do it, that I can succeed, and that I am already so much better off than I was the day before...

the very best of luck

Hi shekitty,

I am very glad to hear that your husband brought up the subject in a nice way to you. But don't make his statement the one and only cornerstone and reason to loose weight.

You say yourself that you hate that you have let yourself get to the way you are and now it's time for you to pick up the pace and do something about It.

Often the partner may not realize they are sabotaging you along the way be it consciencous or not but make sure to communicate with him about what you are doing and ask him to join him in the effort.

Good luck.

Sabine