"The first step is admitting you have a problem".....Adults only please!

I have severe BED, and I'm bulimic. There. I said it...wow, what a relief in an odd, terribly frightening way. I don't really know how to do this, so I'm just going to go at it:

I started CC in the late summer of '07, I wasn't overweight, but I wanted to lose a bit and be healthier. I logged everything, exercised and did everything right, but didn't lose a pound...that was okay for a while, I FELT healthier than I ever had before. Then something changed, sometime last spring I just got frustrated with the numbers and ended up eating a LOT of junk food...enough food to make me appear pregnant and be horribly nauseous. So I threw it up. This happened maybe 3 or 4 times in a 7 month period. I was also running like crazy during this time....it could be 0 degrees outside, an ice storm, I could have a fractured ankle, and I would be out running 8 miles because if I didn't I would feel absolutely disgusting if I missed a run. It was every day. Missing a day meant beating up on myself for a week and running harder than I should to "make up for it".

Then I started a new job; bartending at an amazing Italian restaurant. I started losing my good eating habits. I would start the day fine, then I'd taste a drink at work, then I'd have a bite of this, then I'd figure "oh well, it's done now" and eat a giant plate of creamy pasta after work. Then I'd go home and throw up. The plate of pasta after work expanded to include trips to the local bodega ("I have to walk the dog after work, might as well grab a snack"),  that snack was a cookie at first, then THAT expanded to a bag of chips, a giant cookie, a donut, a half gallon of milk...you get the idea....There were several weeks when I spent HUNDREDS of dollars on food that was strictly binge food. I started going to different bodegas because the guys at the one I was going to on my late night (1am, 2am...4am) "snack" trips didn't know that I speak Spanish and were making comments about my "issues" with food, and wondering why I wasn't hugely fat. There have been several days where I've spent over $100 on getting food delivered, and I'll just sit in my apartment from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed and order food, eat it, throw it up, order, eat, throw up.

(Some of you might have seen my post late last year about the overuse of the work "binge" on this site...this is where that stemmed from: a binge for me was quite often chicken fingers, honey mustard, bbq sauce, french fries with mozzarella and gravy, cheesecake, chocolate shake. Then an hour later I would order and entire Domino's Pizza, cinnamon sticks, 2 liters of coke. An hour after that I would go to the bodega and come home with cookies, hershey's bars, ice cream, and chips....THIS is binging to me.)

Somewhere in this cycle I started abusing laxatives...seriously.

I realized how bad things were in December, I went to my doctor for help. I was essentially told that I did not have an eating disorder because I was at a healthy weight. 3 different doctors told me that. Apparently if you're not skin and bones or morbidly obese you can't have an eating disorder. I have tried to find a group for help, but only found a few in NYC and they were all for teenagers. Again, apparently adults cannot have eating disorders either.

I decided that I was going to "fix" this on my own, and my "New Years Resolution" was to never binge or throw up again. I did well for almost 2 weeks- I was still having slip ups with eating, but wasn't throwing it up or binging. A week and a half ago I fell off the wagon..hard. I'm back into this disgusting binge/purge cycle.

I put my scale away in December because I thought I needed to stop obsessing about the numbers. I took it down today and have gained 20 lbs in only a few months....I know I shouldn't be thinking about weight, but in a way maybe knowing how much I've gained will help me to overcome this as I feel god awful at this weight and look terrible as well.

I'm beginning a fast tomorrow (I have done this twice a year for purely spiritual reasons for several years now...not a weight loss technique). I'm not actually "due" for it til mid-February, but I'm thinking that by eliminating food for a while I can clear my mind a bit, get "centered", and begin to really fix this. Food has taken over my life, it's literally what I think about 95% of the time...I dream about it, when I'm awake I'm constantly thinking about what time it is and what I get to eat next.

I know that, ideally, I should see a therapist, but I do not have insurance and I've run into dead end after dead end at the clinic that I go to.

Can anyone offer me any advice or help? I know that there are other adults out there who have dealt with this. It hurts to admit this, and even as I type it I'm not sure that I can actually post this, but I need your help.

Apologies for the length of this.

 Hi there, I'm afraid I won't be too much help to you but I wanted to say I'm proud of you for putting that all out there. I'm sure it was very hard. I wanted you to know that there are people out here reading this and thinking warm thoughts (or I'm sure praying if that's their thing) for your health and happiness.

I know that somethingfishy.org is the first place people get sent for help with ED's, so if you haven't been there check that out. They have a treatment finder that might help you find the provider you need. More people will see this in the morning and have better advice for you, but in the mean time I want to send you some love! Best of luck.

Cordie

I would strongly recommend you do not undergo any kind of fast.   Food isn't the enemy and eliminating food will not resolve anything.  It was a rigid diet that started your problems in the first place.  Post fast you're likely to be very hungry indeed and bingeing would therefore be more likely.... the very thing you're trying to avoid.

The other thing I would recommend to help you regain control and stop thinking about food all the time is to make a simple menu plan for yourself.   The CC food log is a good tool for this.  Menu planning is a recognised technique for out-of-control binge eaters...  Plan anything up to a week ahead, write it down, pin it somewhere visible.   The calorie target should initially be generous....  don't restrict.... again, as you know, restricting your intake too much in the past triggered this whole episode.   What is important is the quality and wholesomeness of your food choices.  The more natural and unprocessed your food, the more satisfying it tends to be and the less likely you are to overeat.   The more flavoursome and pleasurable your food choices are, the less likely you are to seek oral gratification in very high calorie junk.  The more regular your meals and snacks, the less likely you are to binge.

Purging and laxative abuse are both very dangerous, of course.   I would suggest you keep looking for alternative doctors if for no other reason than to check what damage you've done to yourself with this behaviour pattern.   In the meantime you could try to see if you have a branch of Overeaters Anonymous in your area.  They may be able to offer some advice and support.

Good luck

Cordie- thank you so much. Your post was really an emotional boost...thanks for the love, it's deeply appreciated!

gi-jane- I was hoping you'd come around with some words of advice. I've done this fast for several years..again, solely as a spiritual exercise. I am a little worried that it might have adverse effects this time around, I just can't seem to get my head on straight about this, and fasting has helped when I've faced emotional issues in the past.

Oddly, I'm not sure what triggered this whole thing...after my first few weeks on CC (as with many CC beginners, I thought starting at 1200 was good) I have never severely restsricted. I never had a lot to lose, and (initially) was much more worried about general health than weight loss. I had been eating 1500-2000 (I'm 24 and quite active) of very wholesome and natural foods. I love fruits and vegetables and have never been big on highly processed/sugary foods (til this binging thing began).

I did indeed do the meal planning as you suggested...I would plan 3 or 4 days at a time, put the meals together, and post the list on the fridge. I LOVE the meals that I make- they're super tasty and filling. My snacks are typically oatmeal, quinoa, fruits, vegetables.

So it's not as though I'm undereating or not getting the right nutrients...it's just like something "snaps" in my  head. I consciously make a decision to binge/purge and once it's made I  can't make myself snap out of it. It's almost as though I black out....the amounts of food that I can consume are absolutely insane...I don't know how to explain it, it's almost like I go into a weird trance and just keep shoveling food in regardless of how uncomfortably full I am, and totally disregarding the fact that I long ago passed the point of anything even tasting remotely good because I'm so full..

I did look into OA, but I got the feeling speaking with a group moderator that I wouldn't be looked on kindly as (here we go again) I'm not overweight. It's so frustrating!

Please don't think that I'm pulling one of those "You're all wrong..." responses to your post-not at all, I truly appreciate your input...I just wanted to give you a little more info on how I was eating leading up to all of this, and see if you have any other input.

Thank You so much!

Sometimes the only thing wrong with eating too much is believing that it's wrong....  You weren't overweight when you started dieting.  You've gained 20lbs but you're still not classed as overweight if I read that right?  If you're not overweight then you're not eating too much... QED.    If you were to eat a lot of food and then simply shrug your shoulders and carry on my suggestion is that you'd find things settled down and it would happen less often.  If you eat too much, feel bad about it and then panic... purging, using laxatives etc.... then you set up an 'all-or-nothing' rollercoaster of guilt, panic, hunger, emptiness, self-loathing, failure.  Which is destructive in itself.

Go back to planning your meals ahead of time, eat the wholefoods you enjoy and dedicate 20% of your diet to 'fun foods'.  Enjoy what you eat,   And should you find yourself 'snapping' badly at any stage ... do nothing differently as a result..   Carry on the next day as if nothing had happened. 

I'm haven't checked, but I believe that I'm still classified as a healthy weight (140lbs, 5'8").

I have to say my binging goes way beyond the bounds of simply eating too much-

5,000-10,000 at one sitting...then doing it AGAIN a few hours later. That cannot possibly be considered just overeating.

I can almost pin down the time things started to get really bad as right around the time I decided that I couldn't count calories for the rest of my life and tried to take it easy...I remember the first time I ate a big bowl of pasta and felt SO great b/c I didnt' feel guilty about it- I told myself it was not the end of the world, I could have a treat every now and then....then it just snowballed.

Thank you again GI Jane...you don't know how much I appreciate hearing other people's thoughts, and "talking" about this..I still feel pretty bad, but you wouldn't believe how much better I feel since typing the original post last night..

Okay. This may be a bit all over the place because I'm tackling things as they come to my mind.

First of all, I think you beginning a fast when you've relapsed into a binge/purge cycle may be the last thing you want to do, even if it is for a spiritual reason. Why? Restricting your intake can lead to an equally hellish binge/restrict cycle and I doubt you want that, either.

This:

I realized how bad things were in December, I went to my doctor for help. I was essentially told that I did not have an eating disorder because I was at a healthy weight. 3 different doctors told me that. Apparently if you're not skin and bones or morbidly obese you can't have an eating disorder. I have tried to find a group for help, but only found a few in NYC and they were all for teenagers. Again, apparently adults cannot have eating disorders either.

Makes me sad. A healthy weight doesn't always equate a healthy mind. Anorexics can be in the "normal" BMI range. Overeaters can be normal or underweight. But you recognise you have problems here and that's good. Cheesy as it is, the first step really is admitting you have a problem. But now, you REALLY need to keep pushing for that help.

Even if insurance and stigma restrains your ability to speak to a therapist or a doctor I think it would be well worth you approaching a family member, a good friend, or a clergymember if you are so inclined and talking to someone. You may be able to get support with their help or just have support in them. There's also groups like Overeaters Anonymous, who are a free organisation last I checked.

And I know it's hard, but you have to stop beating yourself up. I too know what overeating is. I struggle with emotional eating. I broke my "no binge" streak that had lasted around a year a couple of days ago. But rather than kick myself and think myself a failure or disappointment or go "oh, to hell with everything", I carried on as normal. If you're really out to start over, you have to begin by forgiving your own mistakes. No more "well, I've blown it!"

Go back to aiming for healthy, balance, happiness and nutrition. You don't need to lose weight, so instead try to sort out your relationship with food and fitness. And I know, with your old mindsets, that will be easier said than done. But this is where finding a face to face support, even if it's just a friend you can trust and talk to, is really important. CC is good as one form of support but should not be your only one.

If it's any help, there's a couple of links here that may help you. An Unofficial Calorie Count Guide to a Fad-Free 2009 -- this one has a section on getting a balanced meal plan over a day. You might appreciate this if you want to look more at food as nutrition and not as a way to feed how you feel. And, Eating Disorders Health, Resources and Info Thread: Updated! -- this is CC's ED resources thread. It includes a link to the Overeaters Anonymous site, if I am not mistaken, as well as bearing lots of other resources you may appreciate.

I really wish you luck getting better from this.

 sbanana7, I completely understand what you're going through. Reading your post was like reading my own thoughts. I also suffer from bulimia (for 3 years now), though I've never sought help for it out of sheer embarrassment and not wanting anyone to find out about it. Like you, I started off just wanting to lose a bit of weight- I was slightly overweight for my height, and started off sensibly, choosing healthy foods and cutting out chocolate, crisps etc. I would avoid these 'bad' foods at all costs, which is what lead to my downfall. I've forgotten when it was, but I remember one day I just snapped and allowed myself one of the foods I'd cut out of my life. It was like a switch flicked on in my head, and I realised what i'd been deprivng myself of. I binged and binged on all the junk food I could lay my hands on. Afterwards, I was horrified at myself and my bulging tummy- I couldn't breathe properly without my stomach hurting. I threw it all back up to ease the pressure, and that's what started the vicious cycle.

It got so much worse when I moved away to Uni- without being under the watchful eyes of my parents, I had free reign to go out to my local shop, spend loads of money on junk, come back and eat it all in one sitting then throw it back up in the privacy of my room. I'd eat up to 10,000 calories within the space of an hour. I gained 20 pounds in 3 months despite me thinking I wouldn't put on any extra weight, which made me even more unhappy and binge-purge more and more often. I used to walk to shops really far out the way to buy food as the checkout people also recognised me and one of them made a comment once about how much I must like ice cream...

It ruled my life, made me broke, unhappy, secretive and alienated from my friends, boyfriend and family. These days I binge/purge about once or twice a week (it used to be 2-3 times a day) and have cut back on the amount of food I buy. I have found that giving my credit card to my friends helps, so that i cant go out and buy binge food. I make sure I don't buy any triggering foods when I do my weekly shop. I brush my teeth straight after meals to try and banish any thoughts of eating more. I busy myself with work, assignments, catching up with friends or going for a walk. If I'm desperate for chocolate or something sugary, I'll allow myself to have a small bit then wrap it up and put it away. Obviously this doesn't always work, but it does sometimes. i hope one day that I will be free of this horrible disorder and be able to have a healthy relationship with food. I also wish this for you and all other ED sufferers. Take care.

I completely understand .I was an obsessed runner when I was in my early 20's and became a full on bulimic by the time a was 25. I am 37 now and still bulimic. 12 years of what you have described. I was dating a Dr. at the time my bulimia became out of control. He found out and persuaded me to tell my folks. I was a broke student at the time and couldn't afford therapy. My mom paid for a couple of counseling sessions and that was it. After a while it just seems like everyone forgot about it. I did not pursue treatment on my own and now I have this disease so ingrained inside of me that it is impossible to free myself. It defines who I am. I wish I would have done anything it took back when I was 25 to overcome it before I got this far. The longer you wait the harder it is to stop the cycle. I used to think that I could stop on my own. I would always say to myself, "next week I will stop". Before I could blink an eye it is 12 years later and I actualy do not remember what it was like to NOT be a bulimic. 

 Please please  get help. If no one forces you to seek thereapy please force yourself. I feel for you. I don't want you to end up here. I think about how much  TIME of my life has been wasted because I have been so preoccupied with eating. 2 hours a day or more when I could be doing somthing else. I have declined going places or visiting family because all I can think about is when I can eat or binge again. And I hate myself for all the missed opportunities. Bulimia totaly sucks. Don't let it take you down. Nip it in the bud now.  

Take care & God Bless

Bless your heart!! I cant say I have been through anything similar, but I respect your will to get help and finally kick your binging habits. I think the most important thing about starting any healthy eating lifestyle is to know it has to be a permanent thing...try cutting back slowly. I have found drastic changes in my life never stick. Maybe only get two cookies and cut the ice cream out for a while. I found this method helps some people I know who have similar problems. And try adding in a daily walk. Maybe listen to your ipod while you do. Give your mind and body a chance to relax and detach from cravings. Also exercise helps zap my cravings often.

Sorry im not much help. We are all here for you!!

sbanana7, I dearly hope that you are getting the help that you need for this disorder.  I don't want to scare you, but I think you should know that bulimia can be a life-threatening condition.  Even if you don't die from it, you risk doing terrible damage to your body if you abuse laxatives and purge on a regular basis.  I don't know what the doctors were thinking that told you that you didn't have an eating disorder.  I'm guessing you either withheld from them much of the information you are telling us now, or they were sorely misinformed.

I remember watching a show on television about a girl who had severe bulimia.  To look at her, you would never guess; she was thin, pretty, the very picture of health.  But secretly she was eating hundreds of thousands of calories a day and purging like crazy.  This girl's life was out of control, and she was becoming alienated from her family.  She ended up becoming a stripper to feed her habit.  Spending hundreds of dollars a day on food is not normal unless you're feasting on caviar and expensive wine, and purging regularly is a very unhealthy lifestyle.

I realize that you have had bad luck with doctors, but you really should seek some kind of counseling.  Do research on the internet for clinics that treat eating disorders, or look up people who specialize in counseling bulimics.  Look at their statistics and find out their success rates.  What you're looking for is a combination of physical and psychological treatment of the disorder.  I know your insurance might not cover this and paying out of pocket could be very expensive, but consider how much money you are currently spending on food, and also consider that, if this problem gets worse, your health and life could be at risk.

I'm not the expert on bulimia, but one book I recommend is called "The Truth about Beauty" by Kat James.  Kat James used to suffer from an eating disorder and overcame it through changing her diet and taking supplements, and though lots of this book has beauty advice, she also has several sections on eating disorders and healthy eating.  One good feature in particular is that she addresses the biochemical issues that often cause eating disorders.  She suggests things like taking blood-sugar stabilizing supplements and eating a low-carb diet to control out-of-control cravings.  Check out books on bulimia from your library and read them to learn more about this disease.  Get as much information as you can.

Whatever you do, don't give up or hope that the problem will go away on its own. Seek out the help you need.  Best of luck.

There are some predicaments in life that only the Good Lord can heal. 

Thank you all so much for your replies and advice...feel free to keep it coming!

I am still trying to find professional help, but I still keep running into this mindset of "if you're at a healthy weight, and look healthy you can't possibly have an eating disorder". It's so frustrating-has anyone else ever run into this? Or, better yet, is there anyone in NYC who knows of a free support group or therapist?

I have told my mother about it; I think she's in denial. She acknowledges it and encourages me to get help, but I get the feeling she doesn't really want to acknowledge it or the seriousness of it (can't blame her...I'm having a hell of time acknowledging it).

I definitely know it's not going away on it's own...I think realizing that was what pushed me to post this, finally.

I have another question-I've seen time and time again that if you deprive yourself of something you're likely to end up binging on it in the end. I have tried to go by that and let myself have a small treat (say, one chocolate covered cherry). I'll eat that and be satisfied...then an hour later I binge. Every time. Pretty much any type of sugar or simple carbs (white bread) trigger a binge. another example: I use a lot of whipped cream at work (special shot that we do at the restaurant I bartend at) if I hold back from even a tiny taste of it I can generally get throught he whole night binge free, but if I have even one teeny taste of it I end up finishing the whole can and binging/purging after work.  Is this a case where, maybe, totally restricing sweets and simple carbs could be beneficial rather than detrimental?

ok i'm not sure how well i will be able to explain this but i've been reading up alot on the two possible causes of bulimia physiological and psycholigical, i.e whether it is a purely mental illness or if our genetic makeup has something to do with it.

basically when you eat a carbohydrate rich meal insulin is released which through a number of steps results in the production if tryptophan which is the precurser for seretonin. the release of seretonin makes us feel satiated and also reduces the cravings for carbs so that our next meal will be protein rich- its just our bodies way of making sure we get a balanced diet. researchers think that bulimics produce lower levels of seretonin after a carbohydrate meal and so we don't realise that we have had enough carbs and so continue to crave more and more in an attempt to produce enough trytophan and thus enough seretonin to tell us it's enough. this explains why your little taste of high sugar cream triggers even more intense craving

this also explains why bulimia is linked to depression as seretonin also effects the mood and is why doctors prescribe prozac to bulimics- it ups the seretonin levels.

now the only problem is... i can tell you why but i can't tell you what to do. you can't just stop eating carbs!! what one study did suggest was to eat low gi carbs as the insulin secretion isn't so dramatic so perhaps the whipped cream isn't such a good idea.

plus just knowing that when you eat a carb rich meal-pretty much any main meal- you will get these cravings to binge which will then lead to a purge (thats where the psychological aspect comes in i.e. not wanting to gain weight) might help you to prepare mentally for it. you know its not a real craving!

I am also not suggesting prozac as the only answer to bulimia- i myself have so far resisted this option. why? well It is also known that bulimia is more prevelent in certain societies- e.g moreso in middle and upper classes than working, which goes against purely just a genetic cause. It is thought that whilst the low levels of seretonin may be present other psychological aspects- i.e. a judgemental environment-friends family- 'are needed for the disease to be fully manifested'. so just because you have the genes for this eating disorder it may never be triggered!

This means that a councilling approach would help to deal with these problems and so could also be an effective treatment route. Some researchers have concluded that a combination of drugs and therepy is the best treatment.

so this may explain why your high sugar -insulin releasing- treats are triggereing a binge- maybe try to reduce these until you have found therepy and have learnt to control the inevitable cravings that will follow.

try and find things that don't trigger the cravings- maybe very dark chocolate with a v low sugar content- i found a 85% one with a lot less sugar than the same brand 70? one (green and blacks) trial and error i guess though

Hello again...I know it's been a few weeks since my original post--so I wanted to check in and thank you all again for your responses. I have read and re-read many of them and have found many helpful things here-I can't stress to you all how much every word and thought means to me. I don't have anyone in my life that I can depend on or talk to about this, so...thank you for being there for a stranger.

I did begin my fast the day after the op (against lalabanana's advice, and the more I look on it, against my own common sense).

I realize now that it was not the wisest choice, but it has helped me clear out my head a bit, and I feel like I can really begin focusing my energies on fixing myself now.

I am still actively searching for a therapist of group that can help me...I never would've thought this would be so hard to find, but I won't give up til I track something down.

Is there a branch of Over Eaters Anonymous in your area?  I realize that it's not specifically about your condition, but there might be a number of tips and tricks to help you.

Yes, there are a few OEA meeting around, but the group leaders that I've spoken with didn't seem particularly receptive to my joining. I got the same feeling I got from my doctors: your not overweight, you don't really have an issue. It's been very disappointing...as I have checked out their website and I think, if I can find a welcoming group, it might be very helpful....)o:

I can understand that, if you're in a normal weight range, walking into an OA meeting might feel like mockery to those who are overweight.

Let's go back to the basics:

• How old are you?  Are you young enough to be on your parent's insurance?  If not, do you have access to something like Planned Parenthood?  You obviously do need medical help and support.  I don't know if you told your doctor all the details, if you did and you got the brush off, it's time to go get a new doctor.  You mention your mom, what about your dad and other family and friends?  Clergymembers, school counselors, etc?
  
• Have you read the Eating Disorders Information thread that's stickied at the top of this forum?  It has a ton of useful information and links.
• Are you actively trying to lose weight at the moment?  If you are, you need to stop weight loss attempts until such a time as you have your disordered eating under control or your doctor and nutritionist and possibly a psychologist tell you that you're clear for weight loss.
• You've tried your cleanse and have hopefully come to the realization that it is not a cure for what ails you.
• What is it that you're hoping to gain by posting on CC?  To document your personal trials and tribulations I recommend your journal as it's subject to your moderation and not anyone else's.  Advice?  It looks like you've gotten some good advice already, what have you tried or not tried?
  

Original Post by williamsnyder:

There are some predicaments in life that only the Good Lord can heal. 

That is just ridiculous. I have suffered from both anorexia and bulimia (currently bulimia) and nothing is more irritating than know-it-alls who think God fixes everything. Nothing wrong with religion if it floats your boat, but please, keep it private, we don't all share your opinion! Your post really touched me as I have been through a lot that you have. If you ever want to talk, message me. I believe that all eating disorders can be recovered from, it just takes time and strength and the will to beat this. And we will, one day! If you cannot afford individual therapy I would look into group therapies such as OE. I have been in counselling for years and one thing a counsellor said to me that really worked was, if you're definitely going to binge (beyond the point of talking yourself out of it or distracting yourself), give into it and forgive yourself straight away. Realise that you aren't perfect and you're doing the best you can right now. Not beating myself up for every binge meant I binged less in the future.

Original Post by sbanana7:

Yes, there are a few OEA meeting around, but the group leaders that I've spoken with didn't seem particularly receptive to my joining. I got the same feeling I got from my doctors: your not overweight, you don't really have an issue. It's been very disappointing...as I have checked out their website and I think, if I can find a welcoming group, it might be very helpful....)o:

 I've been in this boat too. I have told my doctors of my binge issues (tho I do not purge) and they have basically ignored me. You are at a healthy weight, in fact, you could gain some weight...don't worry about it.

This has lead me to try to figure it out on my own. I had to do some hard thinking of what leads to a binge. Trigger foods for me are carbs, sugar, nuts, peanut butter & sweetners. I have to keep my diet very low carb and sugar. Being very tired and stress are also triggers for me. Tired is not something I can do anything about either. Sometimes I only get three hours a sleep (at least once or twice a week). There is NO current way of fixing that situation. Anyway, I do my best. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't. Every good day is a good day. I'm trying not to beat myself up. It is all a process.

I looked into OA. Isn't that a religious based group?? I think that what was put me off about them.