I Am A Food Junkie

Just finished watching the show on TLC called "I Eat 33,000 Calories A Day", and it scared the hel out of me!!!  I have had much success here, but I have to face the fact that I am slipping back into all the bad habits the that all the people on the show have. 

Being in denial about how much I eat. Eating only beige colored foods, making excuses for myself why I can't stick to the program.  It's all here, and I hated every minute of watching that damn show!  But I sat there and watched every second.

Why torture myself this way??  Because I have forgotten what it was like when I was somewhere north of 675, and I needed to remember! I needed to look back at the not being able to climb stairs, at not being able to get myself up off the ground without help if I fell.  I needed to remember what the asthma, and all the other medical problems were like. 

But most of all I needed to remember the humiliation!!!!!

That's the key!! How it felt to be looked at everyday as some sort of walking freak show!!  Of little kids coming up to punch the fat man!!  Of being to tormented to do anything but sit on the side of my bed, eat, watch tv, and wait to die!!!!  That is what I need to remember!!!

Last night I went to see the Kid Rock/Lynard Skynard show at the Verizon Center in Indy.  The show was great, and Kid Rock was so much better than expected.  But the main thing I came away with was that we had lawn seats, and I stood through both Skynard'sset, and Kid Rock's set.  Never in my life have I been able to not only stand, but dance with my lovely female friends!!!!  One of my top 5 all time concerts, and because I could stand and dance!! And this from a guy who has seen 80+ Grateful Dead shows!!

I WILL NOT GIVE MY LIFE UP FOR FOOD AGAIN!!!!

I am going to fight back with every tool I have!!  From the great tools and support here on CC, right down to logging everything I consume no matter how bad!! 

I'm on a knife's edge here.  Odds seem to say I will fall back into old habits, bounce up some more pounds, and pretty much give in to the food!! But I beat the hel out of the odds once, and by the Wise One himself, I will beat them again!!!

Duke Of Indiana

Wow!You are such a great inspiration; to everyone, regardless of body shape, colour and size. You shouldn't give in now=) You have come so far, overcome so many obstacles..and you're right, CC is a great community with wonderful people who are always here to help you every step of the way. Keep your head held high, don't beat yourself up too much, and remember this is a life long journey; might as well take it slow and enjoy the ride no? Take care!

I really love that you said "I WILL NOT GIVE MY LIFE UP FOR FOOD AGAIN!!!!"  That really resonated with me. Because that is the choice we face every time we look at a bagel, candy bar, bowl of pasta, that extra donut, etc. And I am trying to train myself to think before I eat anything and ask my self "Is THIS worth it?" Sometimes the answer is "Yes" that extra piece is worth it right now, but yusually I just put down whatever it was I was stuffing mindlessly into my mouth.

I admire you. And your post has inspired me. Hang in there. I know you think teh odds are that you will fail, but from reading your post i have to disagree. I think you are already a success. Dont forget to give yourself credit for every tiny accomplishment, and especially the big significant accomplishments.

Congrats on all that you have achieved already and I believe in you.