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I know just how you feel...I've been pretty much recovered for quite some time, but I still have body image issues and am still trying to gain a few more pounds to be really healthy, but disliking the way my body looks is holding me back. If you have a therapist or support group this is definitely something you can talk about and get help with, as you are doing right now through the cc community. Because at 94 pounds there is no way you are anywhere near fat. And on some level you know that...but anorexia is trying to trick you into believing that you are unattractive because you weigh more that you used to. Look at your friends and family members that you think are beautiful, and ask yourself, are they severly underweight? Maybe you know someone who is around your goal weight or more...do you see them as fat? If you see someone or a photo of someone who is clearly anorexic, do you find them to be attractive? Just some thinks to think about. Don't let your eating disorder get the best of you.

Also, it's helpful to remind yourself that your body is still adjusting to your weight gain and it will change over time. It is highly likely that you are bloated...this happens to almost everyone when they are trying to gain...which is why your stomach sticks out. It is not because of fat. It will take a while, but the extra pounds will eventually distribute themselves more evenly, and you will have a beautiful and healthy body with curves! Also, you are most likely on exercise restriction now, and once you get completely healthy you will be able to work out and turn some of those pounds to muscle. For now you kind of just have to push those bad thoughts aside and keep going, focusing on being healthy. I know it's hard, but try not to think about how unhappy you are with your body right now, because if you are truly recovering, it will get better. Some days it's tougher that others. And remember that no one else sees you in the same way that you see yourselve. I promise you that no one is thinking you are fat or ugly, because you aren't. You just have to make yourself believe it.  =]

thank you so much lena =] I actually got out of bed and took the dog for a walk with my parents just before, so I've cheered up a little =] =]

thank you again for replying though. It's really helped =]

xxx

demure - it's scary how I'm in exactly the same postition. I've got 11lbs to go, gaining weight, scaring myself, on ma-HUH-ssively restricted excercise; it's all instigated by my consultant (who rules my life as I've been an IP under him etc).

At the moment I am looking at my food baby with considerable fascination and disgust. Urgh.

We need to stick together lol. We can do it, I'm sure, even though I feel of similar size to Moby Dick

Good luck, all of you!  I want to offer you my support even though I'm coming at this from an entirely different side of things.  I have spent most of my life not looking too closely in the mirror, or trying to deny to myself how fat I was.  It's kind of the opposite problem that you have, but we both have the same goal: health!  So good luck; we can all be healthy if we try.

A balanced exercise program has really helped me out, because I am gaining lean muscle mass and strengthening my heart.

I remember sitting around after my 4000kcal days and feeling like a FAT FAT slob, because I was not allowed to exercise at all. It was fair, because my body was too frail and unstable, but not that i'm just approaching a healthy bmi/weight, exercise is safe for me again.

Cardio is great for endorphins (helps treat the depression that often comes with anorexia), it strengthens your heart and it is something you can always do at your maintainence weight as well. It's the one you have to watch out for though, because it can be very addictive for us!

Strength training is AWESOME! Because it builds lean muscle mass (catch: you have to be eating LOTS of calories to build muscle). It's different for underweight bodies than overweight bodies, because an overweight body can feed off of glucose reserves (ie. fat)....so even though these bodies will build more, they have a decent muscle mass to begin with.

For us, our arms resemble twigs. All the muscle is atrophied, and so it's like starting from scratch. We have zip for glucose reserves, unless we eat LOTS. That's how I help to justify my eating.

The weight gain that comes is lean muscle.

Hang in there, girly. It's a struggle, but it is very possible to gain the weight and feel good about it!

thanks no_audience! I actually went out for my first run ever today, and I loved it! I went through the woods and the park... it's such a beautiful day! So that's kick-started my day, and I feel a little less slobbish (through I'm fighting the urge to over-do it....)

I'm going to start running every day, or at least walking... so I can get out of the house (I've been hiding in my bedroom for fear of leaving it and getting hungry yadda yadda....)

but thanks again for the advice, all of you! - it does suck not being able to do exercise, but I've put on 7lbs since I started treatment, so I guess I'm okay to start again =]

xxxx

You're welcome. My name is Stephanie, by the way (giggles). I might suggest running/jogging more like 3 times a week, for like half an hour intervals. You don't want to put TOO MUCH stress on your body. Been there, done that! ;)

When I had to gain 35 lbs in treatment, I used to go for three fifteen minute walks around the treatment center every day. It's nice because when you start to "feel" again, you start to appreciate the little things around you and their beauty - it's not so calorie-focused (i.e. I must do another lap to burn that extra 10.437kcal, or else I am a failure, etc.).

Another beautiful thing about weight gain!