When to say when?

Or, I guess I really should say "how"

I've been married for 24 years -- I haven't slept with my spouse in 20 years.  I stayed with him after a brief separation 2 years into the marriage -- the result of some finely tuned emotional blackmail, and an infant child.  I simply do not like the man.  I don't respect him and I haven't loved him for most of the marriage.

I have finally made the decision to leave him -- damnit -- at some point in my life I deserve to be happy.  I believe I was hoping he would be the one to leave (the whole no sex thing....), but no, I became his mother and provider and he became too comfortable.  So now, I can't take it any more.

I've been trying to do this for the past 3 months and everytime I get close something comes up -- procrastination is my middle name.  I need to do this. For my own sanity and health if nothing else.

Does anyone have ANY suggestions on how to do this?  Not how to leave, but how to tell someone you have lived with for 24 years that you don't want him around any more?  That the lease expires in July and you not re-newing and not taking him with you?  That you, absolutely, positively will NOT be responsible for any more of his debt.

I don't think there's a good way to do what you are planning to do. You're going to hurt him. Period.

I say just do your best. Try to be reasonable, but don't bend on this either.

Good luck.

As long as he is not abusive or cheating I think you should try counseling first. The whole better or worse thing. Then if it doesn't work out it might be the counselor telling him the bad news. Very tough situation.

Original Post by jwilson78:

As long as he is not abusive or cheating I think you should try counseling first. The whole better or worse thing. Then if it doesn't work out it might be the counselor telling him the bad news.

 *head explodes*

COUNSELING!? are you actually serious???  they haven't had sex in 20 years!!

it's time for her to leave, and i find it sad for the both of them that it's gone on this long. from the way you wrote this, it's sounds to me like he manipulated you into staying all these years, and even worse, he has been LIVING off of you and putting you in debt!

you said it yourself my_turn, it's not even that you don't love him, you don't even LIKE him. you deserve happiness in this life as much as anyone else.

from the sound of this, you are going to be putting him in a tough position, because it seems like you are providing for him. but hey, tough for him. he's a grown man and needs to learn to take care of himself, and his own debt. there is no easy way to do it, but you need to sit him down and tell him you've had enough, and that you don't think it's fair to either of you to continue the charade of "marriage." giving him until July leaves plenty of time for him to get on his feet, save enough cash for a place of his own to live, and give you your life back. don't let him guilt you into staying, you deserve better!

Original Post by my_turn:

Or, I guess I really should say "how"

I've been married for 24 years -- I haven't slept with my spouse in 20 years.  I stayed with him after a brief separation 2 years into the marriage -- the result of some finely tuned emotional blackmail, and an infant child.  I simply do not like the man.  I don't respect him and I haven't loved him for most of the marriage.

I have finally made the decision to leave him -- damnit -- at some point in my life I deserve to be happy.  I believe I was hoping he would be the one to leave (the whole no sex thing....), but no, I became his mother and provider and he became too comfortable.  So now, I can't take it any more.

I've been trying to do this for the past 3 months and everytime I get close something comes up -- procrastination is my middle name.  I need to do this. For my own sanity and health if nothing else.

Does anyone have ANY suggestions on how to do this?  Not how to leave, but how to tell someone you have lived with for 24 years that you don't want him around any more?  That the lease expires in July and you not re-newing and not taking him with you?  That you, absolutely, positively will NOT be responsible for any more of his debt.

Hire a lawyer and have papers served to him stating you want a divorce.  No matter what happens it wont be good. (my opinion)

Ditto jules...

EVERYONE has the right to love and be loved. NO ONE should inflict misery on anyone. It is obviously beyond counselling as my_turn doesn't even like the man. Counselling is made to help couples get back to the place they were, and WANT to be. Don't sense a "want" in there.

Separation and divorce is probably the biggest change adults can make in their life, especially after 24 years. It is NOT going to be easy hun... but you are not happy now so... It will be tough for both you and him. If you can envision yourself on the other side of this happy, living in your own place, dating (or at least gettin' some) ;) Then the first step is to take the first step. I wish you well my_turn.

S.

Wow.  No sex for 20 years?  Do you think he's been faithful to you this whole time?

I'm gonna have to go with Jules on this one.

Original Post by jwilson78:

As long as he is not abusive or cheating I think you should try counseling first. The whole better or worse thing. Then if it doesn't work out it might be the counselor telling him the bad news. Very tough situation.

Wow. I could not disagree more. This marriage was clearly over a LONG time ago.  I think once the kid was old enough to go to college it was time to go. Few people would have put up with living with a parasite for this long.  I thought I had it bad with my marriage.  At least my wife makes an effort to be a good mom and companion.  It sounds like your hubby has really been exploiting you. 

I really can't fathom why you're worried about hurting him - you've given him 20 years more than he deserves, and when you leave him, you will be giving him the chance to hopefully do better by his next wife if he's lucky enough to snag one.

By all means, move on, find your happiness, don't look back and don't waste one second worrying about that no-account ex!

Original Post by dave98z3:

Hire a lawyer and have papers served to him stating you want a divorce. No matter what happens it wont be good. (my opinion)

It won't be easy, it will be painful, but it will be worthwhile, and good in the long run.  Staying with someone like that any longer would be much worse.

Original Post by peaches0405:

 Do you think he's been faithful to you this whole time?

 I wondered the same thing peaches....i mean, 20 years is a long long time.

STOP!!! Before you say anything to him consult a lawyer AND get your finances in order. (different laws in different states) I mean take a week or so (not a month or more!) and figure out what you owe, to whom, where are your assets, in whose name, etc. A lawyer can help you with this. Here is WHY...

A divorce is messy. A friend's husband just did the leaving and first blew thru about $200,000 (or hid it) so he wouldn't have to share. My brother-in-law's wife left after 28 years (about 28 too many!) and tried to take everything! Instead she just sold HIS things, some from his grandfather! Another friend's husband sold her doll collection (from grandmother), all of her antiques, and her jewelry, and her dishes... get the picture? You MUST have a PLAN--and THEN KICK HIS SORRY ASS OUT!! You don't have to be mean, but the more information you have--and the better organized, maybe you could actually settle this quickly and spend less on lawyers. Good luck!!

Thank you -- especially those of you that recognized that this was no longer a case for counselling.  Yeah, I stayed because of my son -- which was also a waste because Dad took very little part in his upbringing (his choice, not mine).

there is no money, so last time I checked you can't get blood from a stone.  He has a military pension, VA benefits, and a job -- it won't be easy for him (because he's used to spending all his money on extraneous crap), but at 51 he needs to learn....

I guess my problem was that I don't like to be "mean" regardless of the applicability -- but that's what kept me with him even after my child was old enough.  I am beginning to understand that this time, it's my time, and yes, I deserve to have a little happiness, or find a little happiness.  And no, I'm not leaving him for someone else.  I never explored him cheating on me, because I just never cared -- wished he would find someone else and leave...

I never thought it would be easy and I never thought either of us would get out unscathed -- but for some reason the actual "doing it" seems to be a better probability than it did even when I woke up this morning.

Thanks again, CCers -- appreciate your comments and support

good for you!! it won't be easy, but you do deserve so much better. you deserve a loving relationship and happiness! you are doing him a favor here by stepping up and making the move. best of luck to you!

I think you need to take a better look at yourself and why you are still married.  You are still with this guy because you want to be.  Perhaps you are afraid of being alone or maybe there is something else stopping you, but you have to take responsibility for your choice.  You have chosen to stay with him.  The first step to getting out if figuring out what is stopping you from doing what you say you want to do.  Counseling might help here.  Then talk to a lawyer or some kind of legal aid office to find out what the laws are in your state are so you know what to expect and what preperations you should make.  Then just do it.  Tell him you are not renewing the lease or just move out on your own.  Consider the lease running out a deadline and you have to get things ready before then.  If you don't, you really don't want out, you just want to complain.

Original Post by carolann5111:

STOP!!! Before you say anything to him consult a lawyer AND get your finances in order. (different laws in different states) I mean take a week or so (not a month or more!) and figure out what you owe, to whom, where are your assets, in whose name, etc. A lawyer can help you with this. Here is WHY...

A divorce is messy. A friend's husband just did the leaving and first blew thru about $200,000 (or hid it) so he wouldn't have to share. My brother-in-law's wife left after 28 years (about 28 too many!) and tried to take everything! Instead she just sold HIS things, some from his grandfather! Another friend's husband sold her doll collection (from grandmother), all of her antiques, and her jewelry, and her dishes... get the picture? You MUST have a PLAN--and THEN KICK HIS SORRY ASS OUT!! You don't have to be mean, but the more information you have--and the better organized, maybe you could actually settle this quickly and spend less on lawyers. Good luck!!

I totally agree seeing I am going through a divorce after 30 years of marriage...get a lawyer....they will advise of what to do and not to do.

Original Post by my_turn:

Thank you -- especially those of you that recognized that this was no longer a case for counselling.  Yeah, I stayed because of my son -- which was also a waste because Dad took very little part in his upbringing (his choice, not mine).

there is no money, so last time I checked you can't get blood from a stone.  He has a military pension, VA benefits, and a job -- it won't be easy for him (because he's used to spending all his money on extraneous crap), but at 51 he needs to learn....

I guess my problem was that I don't like to be "mean" regardless of the applicability -- but that's what kept me with him even after my child was old enough.  I am beginning to understand that this time, it's my time, and yes, I deserve to have a little happiness, or find a little happiness.  And no, I'm not leaving him for someone else.  I never explored him cheating on me, because I just never cared -- wished he would find someone else and leave...

I never thought it would be easy and I never thought either of us would get out unscathed -- but for some reason the actual "doing it" seems to be a better probability than it did even when I woke up this morning.

Thanks again, CCers -- appreciate your comments and support

I highly recommend you talk to a lawyer that is familiar with military laws and entitlements...depending on the state and the length of marriage as well as other factors you may be entitled to a % of his retirement and benefits....but each state treats military retirement differently...some consider it as an asset...DO NOT RELY on a local lawyer to know these entitlements unless they are familiar with military.  If you need some links and ideas on where to get additonal facts email me off-line and I can help point you in the right direction...but please see a lawyer.

Original Post by jwilson78:

As long as he is not abusive or cheating I think you should try counseling first. The whole better or worse thing. Then if it doesn't work out it might be the counselor telling him the bad news. Very tough situation.

After 24 years I think it's a bit late for counselling... it's not a marriage any more, they're two people who happen to share a house and a last name. It's way past time to lose the excess baggage and live your own life. (Reminds me of that country song 'I let myself go'...) Good luck to you!

Original Post by clharr:

I think you need to take a better look at yourself and why you are still married.  You are still with this guy because you want to be.  Perhaps you are afraid of being alone or maybe there is something else stopping you, but you have to take responsibility for your choice.  You have chosen to stay with him.  The first step to getting out if figuring out what is stopping you from doing what you say you want to do.  Counseling might help here.  Then talk to a lawyer or some kind of legal aid office to find out what the laws are in your state are so you know what to expect and what preperations you should make.  Then just do it.  Tell him you are not renewing the lease or just move out on your own.  Consider the lease running out a deadline and you have to get things ready before then.  If you don't, you really don't want out, you just want to complain.

I realize that.  And I've come to realize over the last year that part of the reason I was staying with him was because I WAS afraid of being alone -- regardless that I was getting nothing from him.  Somewhere along the line I had an epiphany and realized that staying with him was doing me (and really, probably him, also) more harm than good -- I look at it as another 250lbs on my weight loss timeline... I don't need him to complete me, I don't need him to be happy, and I am quite capable of doing things for myself, by myself.

The lease is the deadline -- I can't move out because he will default on everything (and it is all in my name), but I am hoping he will leave before then -- he has relatives in the area.  In the state where I live you are required to have a 1 year physical separation PRIOR to filing for divorce (I believe it's a cooling off/reconsideration period), so my year will start in Jul.  I am already moving my "treasured" belongings (of which there are few) into storage -- but really, I'm the one doing the filing, so technically he would be the "injured" party.  I own nothing that is so important that he couldn't have it if that's what would make him leave peacefully.

Dave -- as far as the military goes -- we both have military pensions, so entitlements should cancel each other out, but I will look for a lawyer with some experience with the military, just in case -- 'cause that really would piss me off.  Thank

Just state the facts to him. He can't be totally oblivious to the situation. You deserve to be happy and in a relationship that gives you what you need. Good luck.