What to do?

Hiya

I realised although I'm not new to this forum, I'm still kind of on the outside of it, just dipping in occasionally to read posts or ask random questions, so for that I apologise. But I have a question/dilemma that I really hope some of you can help me with...

I'm in recovery for anorexia, have been for a long while now, and feel I am at a bit of a crossroads. I'm no longer on death's door. I'm not at the healthy weight I was after leaving IP. I'm in the middle, which although I know isn't healthy (according to BMI and all that), it suffices to say that I look pretty normal, albeit at the lower end. Thats where the difficulty comes. On here, most people are really underweight. I don't envy that, nor do I aim to be there again, but it makes weight gain seem stupid and unnecessary to the ED. I've had a BMI of 12, I've gained weight, I've lost some, I now have a BMI of 16-17. Its sub healthy, but i don't look ill.

The problem comes with what to do now. My calories were up high (2300 min -2700) but recently they've dropped alot to about 1500 (but so far i haven't lost weight which is odd.. i havent exercised either though). I've had a funeral this week - my friend died a couple of weeks ago - and so I guess its added to the difficulty. But now I'm just so stuck. I know that if I lose loads of weight I'll end up in IP again as i'm still under 18 and with CAMHS, which I don't want, but I just feel so uncomfortable, and unworthy of gaining weight at the present time.

Sorry if this isn't fitting with the positive weight gain atmosphere we're aiming for, but I just need a bit of advice or people's experiences with how to cope at the "just about healthy" point. And also, how to sort out my food. I feel like i'm starting at a strange place.

Any advice?

Thank you :)

xxx

hi, sorry for your recent troubles.

next, to e blunt, YES, YOU ARE UNDERWEIGHT.  lose any now and you are at death's door as you say.  i have a bmi of 20, no period, i KNOW i dont look 100%.  ask someone else how you look.  when youre underweight your view of yourself is not accurate.  get the calories back up to gaining.

do you want to be borderline healthy??? or 100% full of life healthy?  you need to ask yourself that.

gl

Hey, thank you for the quick reply :)

You're right, I know I'm underweight. Its just difficult when it feels like the majority of people "gaining weight" are insanely underweight and not really making any effort to get out of that. I just need to remember it doesn't matter and get on with it I guess. I still don't have my periods back either...how long have yours been gone?

I see what you mean about the borderline or 100%. I guess the idea of 100% is just harder to deal with...

Thanks again =)

Do you think 2300 is a good enough starting place?

xxx

do 2300 today, 2500 tomm.

my period has been gone way too long and i NEED to call the dr. tomm to get pills to induce it (thats a personal kick). 

ignore other ppl.  everyone is is their own place in recovery.  do what YOU need to do. 

i want to live a full life, not a life constrained by not being completely healthy and underweight, its up tp you.  yes, recovery is hard, but taking a step back, like eating 1500, will only turn into a further spiral.  its up to YOU.

I'm kinda in the same area you're in missmunchkin. I have a BMI slightly shy of 18.5 now, but now period, in fact, not period for 3 years.

You need to start with 2500. It really isn't that hard! I tend to make "set" meals 500-700, snack around 250 (3 snacks) and then a bunch of "snack-snacks" that are around 100-200 calories (ie-a banana, larabar, yogurt). I'm really eating every 2 hours or so, whether it be a meal, snack, or snack-snack. 

Hi! :) I don't know much about eating disorders, honestly, so I am not here to give you much advice. I just want to say awesome job for getting to a more healthy place. You should definitely keep it up... you can do it, and you can be 100% healthy. I understand how you are feeling, but you're still underweight, and you still have some gaining to do. Just keep going and be proud of yourself. :]

I'm sorry it's been rough for you lately but you need 2500 bare minimum.

I'd like to address this though, as people have got to dealing with your caloric needs.

You do not need to be drastically underweight to need help. Nor do you to have a heart attack. This is an article about a girl who died not long ago from anorexia complications. Gifted Cambridge-bound student found dead after two-year battle with anorexia - from The Daily Mail, Jan 27 2009

She attended my OP clinic. Her BMI was higher than yours and mine at her death.

Furthermore, think on this: you are young, now. A life ahead of you. Do you really want to keep putting this off and putting this off until you find yourself in your thirties, fourties, older, suffering and fighting until your abused body gives out on you? Osteoporosis and bone damage becomes harder to fight the longer it is left. Too long without your period and you will likely become infertile. And again, your heart. Can. Just. STOP.

What is more important to you? A size you can never maintain, a weight, a number - or a long healthy life you can fix with greater ease if you nip it in the bud here and now. A long, healthy life you can actually live?

I really want to second what lala said about not needing to be "at rock bottom" or even technically underweight to have a problem.

The whole thing that even brought me back into the gaining game at the end of last year was realizing that while I was "healthy" after recovering from Anorexia, I hadn't FULLY REGAINED MY HEALTH.

I was fine, a competitive student athlete who had a "good body" by many's opinions for that matter.

But you know what, it caught up with me--being just a tad underweight for months. 
First I was more breakable, always treading carefully through constant reoccuring injuries. 
Second, I wasn't at my full potential!  With my background and training, I should have been putting up a lot better results than I was.  My body was using the resources I was giving it [all be it more substantial] to keep trying desperately to tend to basic needs, and it couldn't really allow me full progress as an athlete.  Furthermore, since my body hadn't "finished the job" the anorexic thinking lay waiting to pounce.  THe need for food still lead me to want to obsess over eating matters, still makes it tempting for me to idolize eating in a manner of speaking.  Without getting to complete health I was limiting the life I stood to gain--I had to decide if I was willing to settle for better, or keep going?

Lastly, some of the damage being done simply by not being "all the way there" didn't manifest itself until just recently.  My bones haven't been able to deposite calcium and my blood counts, while FINE through years of being undernourished and drastically underweight, have dropped in a matter of months at a higher weight and 3000+ calorie intake. 

If you aren't healthy, even if "better" means you  might not collapse in the next week, but things could head downhill to a pretty sucky life and even death eventually.  It will catch up with you.

Think of it this way--rather than looking at "it could be so much worse" ask yourself:
Do I want to settle for "ok" just because it could be worse?  Limit my potential in life AND risk the fact that things could head downhill from staying at my current not-quite-there state?

My decision is no.  I don't know if I've relapsed recently with the challeging ED thinking, I don't know if I never fully recovered.  I don't care how you define it, where I'm at now, I know where I want to be and that's to my 100% health and life and future!

Thank you so much for all the replies everyone :)

Tomorrow is going to be another fresh start, I hope. Its just so difficult keeping in the right frame of mind all the time I guess! I'm working on it though.

agruskin: I haven't had my periods for 4 years, so I'm getting pretty desperate about getting them back. If you're talking about the Pill, I'm not allowed to go on that at the moment, I think I'm too young. True about other people being at different stages, but it seems to make the ED so much louder. They're allowed to be thin, so why can't you etc etc... stupid, but hard to ignore. Its my life though, and my decision. I need to make the right one :)

chirpp: Hiya, we really are in quite a similar situation! I know I can manage 2500, I managed 3500 in IP (!), its just getting round to it and getting used to it again! Can I ask whether you plan your meals in advance, or just go with it?

askewing: Thank you :) And you too. I'm guessing you're just gaining weight for another reason, so good luck!

lalabanana: Thanks. I read that in the paper the other week too. Its scary, I know, especially because she didn't look really ill. I'm really sorry if you knew her well, must have been a terrible shock. My friend - who's funeral I went to - died from her anorexia. I met her in IP and we stayed in touch, but since turning 18 she went really downhill. She was only 19 when she died. What annoys me is that, even after going to her funeral, I didn't have a sudden change of heart like I thought I might. If anything, it got harder :s I don't understand why, because of course I don't want to end up like her, or the girl in the article, but I still go around thinking it won't happen to me...I guess thats the first thing that needs to change.

I don't want to keep putting it off. I've been doing that for years. I've already missed so much...my school prom, school trips, school in general!...for the sake of my ed, and because I didnt put on weight. I can't go on missing things. I want to go to uni next year, and I dont want my health to jeapordise that. With my periods though, is it still likely that they will come back? It just seems like forever since I've had them, and I don't know what (other than weight gain) I should be doing to help them return.

boppityboops: I like the way you put that, about not regaining your health. It makes sense. I never settle for second best in other things, so why my health? I don't do much competitive sport - apart from badminton - but I want to be stronger to exercise in general. Another motivation I guess :) Thank you.

As for BMI and all that, is it best to get to 20? Thats what seems to be what most people say on here. Or shall I start with 18.5 and go from there?

Thanks again everyone :) I really appreciate it.

xxx

BMI 20. You can set mini goals but only so long as you keep going after you hit them instead of "well I hit this one, I feel okay, I'm staying here".

Fats in your diet (30%, even 35% is fine) will help your period return as well as weight gain.

I plan everything except for dinner, giving myself a 500 calorie block "reserved" for dinner- I can go over it, just not under. Here's how I set it out:

Breakfast: 500-600

Snack: 250

Lunch: 600

Snack: 300

Dinner: 500

Snack: 250

And then a few 100-200 calorie snacks during the day whenever I feel like it. It always adds up to 2500+ though.