.

i didn't read every word, but i scanned each paragraph.

how old is she?  what strikes me is that it sounds like she's acting like a teenager.  and she was living with her brother - why?  because her relationship with her parents was difficult or damaged somehow?

assuming that's the situation, her response is understandable.  immature, but normal.  you're a threat to her relationship with her brother, and she's responding to that threat in the only way she knows.  and now she's backed herself into a corner and doesn't know how to get out.

she's acting like a kid; the last thing you want to do is respond to her like one.

you have to be the adult in the relationship.  treat her with respect, regardless of how she treats you.  you don't have to like it, but if you respond in kind, you're just perpetuating the problem.

In my opinion she does sound like a crazy ex...it seems that she has a TOO close relationship with her brother...you probably won't get hubby to say too much; family ties and all.

I had a 'friend' who started doing stuff like that......granted, it wasn't my wedding, someone else's, but it was the same thing....facebook stuff, talking to anyone and everyone that would listen about me. The only advice I can give is to ignore it. Much easier said than done; I KNOW! but really any time someone brings her up or what she says or does up to you, you just have to say that you hope the best for her in her life....really thats all. Eventually she'll get bored and need someone more active to focus on. Hopefully, she'll get a boyfriend who has an ex or a coworker she dislikes. But for people like her, they NEED to have someone to complain about so until she finds someone else, you'll be it! Or eventually the people she complains to will get sick of hearing it and say something to her themselves.

It sucks to be the brunt of someone's stupid pettiness, but you really just have to wait it out...if she wasn't 'family' I'd say tell her to f off and be done with it, but alas you are stuck w her! Eventually everyone involved will see what see is and see who you are, and you will be the only one to be able to hold your head high. Sometimes that's better than revenge!

Good luck1

wow, WTF is that girl's problem? i don't think you are over reacting at all, she sounds like a total wack job. i also think she seems to have an unhealthy obsession with her own brother. almost to the point of creepy. she is acting like a jealous ex...but it's her brother. ew.

to be honest, i don't see any reason to even both trying to talk sense into this girl. you never mentioned how old she is, but i'm assuming she's pretty young. maybe she will eventually grow up and stop acting this way. i say be civil to her, but don't go out of your way to interact with her at the reuinion. basically, ignore her as best you can without being outright rude.

Wow.  I should get a gold star for reading all of that.  Sounds like you really have some venting to do.

If what you say is true (not that I'm doubting you...but this is the internet after all), I'd say she's a lost cause.  Sometimes you just can't make everyone like you, no matter how hard you try.  Sometimes people are just witches and there is nothing that is ever going to change them...ever.

I'm not sure what advice I can even give you.  Passive aggressive people are hard to deal with when they won't talk honestly with you when you confront them.  Honestly, I'd probably go to the reunion, have fun, be nice to her, but as soon as she makes a snide or underhanded remark, just act like you didn't hear it and either strike up a conversation with someone else or simply walk away like you were heading out of the room to do something else.  Do not give her the satisfaction of seeing you angry or getting you to strike back at her.  It's usually what people like that want.

when you go to the family reunion, only ignore her IF her behavior truly doesn't matter to you, doesn't bother you, is of no interest to you

if you act like you don't care when you really do care, you'll just be creating more stress and falling into the pattern of passive-aggressive acting out that she seems to be so good at.

if it were me, i'd be as blunt and direct (and nice) about it as possible.  for example, i'd just say to her, it's a shame you and i don't get along better, you know?  *sincere smile* i would look her in the eyes and make it clear that i'm not afraid of her.

i can understand you wanting your husband to stick up for you, i would insist on it if this kind of undermining behavior were coming from his mom or dad.  but his sister... i don't know... i'm not sure i would worry all that much about a sister (although your description makes her sound fairly unstable). 

i definitely would not friend people who she is friends with so that she can read your private blogs and stuff.  i would call those people who made friend requests and just tell them, Hey, you know, i don't really use my facebook that much but if you want to chat, let me know and i'll give you a call. 

finally, it sounds like you're trying to keep things in perspective, so that's a good thing.  what is important?  what is not important?  focus on what's important.

well, i'm out of ideas that i can articulate

good luck!

You're not over reacting at all.  This is a shame, because it is your husband's sister, and it would be very difficult for him to completely cut her off... sounds like he's doing a good job sticking up for you to a point, but you need to let her know - nicely - you're not afraid of her bullying (that's what it is), and you won't accept it.

I like nomo's idea of just being blunt, direct and nice.  She'll get the idea - as long as she feels like she has some power in acting this way, she'll continue to do so.  Take that power away, and she'll have to find some other way to vent her insecurities and manipulative ways. 

You'll have to deal with it, you'll never get away from his family... change your passwords, block or ignore requests from her friends or people you don't know and be happy you live in another state!

sorry, I forgot to put in the age there.

She is actually 24, she was 21 when I first met Craig. That is one of the hardest things, how close she and I are in age. She is EXACTLY 1 year (and 3 days) younger than me...which is why it is so hard to believe her immaturity level.

and pgeorgian, she was living with her brother because they both lived in Colorado. His family lives in Pittsburgh, but he went to Denver for his undergrad, she moved out there and got a job/moved in with him when she dropped out of college

Thanks for the advice, its nice to know I am not crazy. I am extremely happy we live in another state and only have to see her a couple times a year. It is just hard when she tries to push my buttons even from a distance...

Original Post by amnlcrckr:

sorry, I forgot to put in the age there.

She is actually 24, she was 21 when I first met Craig. That is one of the hardest things, how close she and I are in age. She is EXACTLY 1 year (and 3 days) younger than me...which is why it is so hard to believe her immaturity level.

 

and pgeorgian, she was living with her brother because they both lived in Colorado. His family lives in Pittsburgh, but he went to Denver for his undergrad, she moved out there and got a job/moved in with him when she dropped out of college

 

Thanks for the advice, its nice to know I am not crazy. I am extremely happy we live in another state and only have to see her a couple times a year. It is just hard when she tries to push my buttons even from a distance...

 

 

ah - well, that's different.  i was imagining that she was 14-ish when all this started.

yeah, she sounds like a wingnut. 

No advice, just to agree with the others that you aren't crazy.

But you sure have helped me appreciate my future sister-in-law, to the n'th power.

You can't have a rational discussion with an irrational person.

If even a fifth of the statement you made is factually correct, she's beyond irrational and somewhere in the realm of nuckin futs.

Insulate yourself from her as much as you can and hope she finds some other poor bastard upon which to focus her neurosis.

Original Post by ignayshus:

You can't have a rational discussion with an irrational person.

If even a fifth of the statement you made is factually correct, she's beyond irrational and somewhere in the realm of nuckin futs.

Insulate yourself from her as much as you can and hope she finds some other poor bastard upon which to focus her neurosis.

umm...I wouldn't wish her on my worst enemy.

When I first went through this all with Craig, at first he thought I was over reacting...but when we got our professional wedding pictures back...she is in so many of them since she was a bridesmaid. Most all of the ones she is in the background of, with Craig and I kissing or being cute together, you can see her making a face, or scowling in the background...after he/we saw that...he was like..."oh...I guess you're not paranoid". I've noticed she does the same thing with most family pictures that are taken with me in the mix. The ones without me, surprise surprise, she is alllll smiles !

You and this girl are like oil and water, you don't mix, you can't mix and nobody, including your hubby, should expect you to.

All you can really do is don't get sucked in to the game in anyway shape or form. Don't fight back, as that's part of the game. Think of it this way: She needs you to interact with her to win whatever weird little games she's trying to play, so by simply not playing AT ALL (in anyway shape or form) you win. Either she'll get tired and move on or she'll spend her days and nights tormented by her inability to mess with you.

Your husband is f'ing up at the moment. You are his wife, and there are is not one person he places before you, even himself... at least that's what I'm sure he promised (because he strikes me as a nice guy with a decent upbringing and attitude and that's what such men meaningfully promise). Yet he isn't doing that for fear of confrontation.

Now don't get me wrong, he's trying to stick up for you, but in a really pansy ass way (I can say that because I made the same mistake early in our marriage, but the grudge was between my wife and her sister). Avoiding confrontation is one thing, but talking to his friends about the problem is probably better, while confronting his sister is best.

Just a simple: "Back off of my wife, she means the world to me and I wont tolerate anyone, especially family causing us grief. I can't begin to describe how much it hurts me that my own baby sister would be a part of something so painful to me."

Anyway, sometimes family can be crazy, possessive, whatever, but you guys have to set the boundaries of what you'll tolerate. If it were your brothers/sisters/mother/father etc giving him a hard time, then it'd be your place to draw the line in the sand. Since it's his sister, he should man up.

She sounds pretty freaking crazy.

Personally, I think you should have a serious talk with your hubby and say that if xyz happens at this reunion then you REALLY need him to take your side and stick up for you.  I think that ignayshus said it really well:

Just a simple: "Back off of my wife, she means the world to me and I wont tolerate anyone, especially family causing us grief. I can't begin to describe how much it hurts me that my own baby sister would be a part of something so painful to me."

Perhaps you could rehearse a small scene together of what to say if the issue arises.  I know that sounds dorky but if you sit down and seriously talk with your husband then he will know how worried you are about stuff going wrong with her during this weekend, and will hopefully back you up if you need it. 

I think really you just going to have to ignore her the best you can.  At least you live miles away and really wont have to deal with her very often.  Try to ignore her online comments and just have nothing to do with her.  You could even change your cell number.  Just cut off all contact with her unless its absolutely necessary in a family situation. 

Sad though :( 

Maybe she will grow up and mature in time. 

(By the way, I looked at your profile, you don't think she's jealous of you do you?  You're really cute and slim and you look like you have a really great job, not to mention a great relationship with your hubby!)

I'm so sorry for all this stuff you are going through Kimberlee. I agree with nomo and jules and the others. It sounds like you have tried to make an effort with this girl and maybe there is no saving the relationship between you and her. You can't apply sane rules to insane people.... Just try to make the best of it when you're in situations when you can't avoid her. Hopefully as she gets older and more mature, she will not try to be so intrusive in your life.

I don't know what it is with older brothers/younger sisters.

I broke up with an ex after 4+ years of dating in large part due to his sister. Very similar scenario to what you've described. Right down to them living together for a time while he and I were dating. (Because they are not from the U.S. and she decided to move here, so stayed with him at his home. Under normal circumstances, totally understandable but not with these 2 crazies).

Anyway, I don't have any advice for you that hasn't already been written here. Hopefully she will grow out of it!! Or if not, hopefully mellow out a bit with age or if she gets her own family/life. Sounds like she has way too much time on her hands to be so destructive and intrusive in your and your husband's lives.

I do agree w/ the thought that maybe your husband could do a better job of sticking up for you. In a nice, but firm way. It doesn't sound like his sister has any logical reason for hating you unless there is some significant part of the story that's missing.

Wow - nut job.

Her obsession with her brother probably keeps her from having relationships with other men too.

She sounds like she has a deep psychosis and you are but one way the symptoms have manifested.  Have you ever asked why she dropped out of college?

If she was showing signs of mental illness in college, her next stop, your husband, might have become a crutch for her.  In any case she is deeply distrurbed.  Not just immature. 

I haven't read all the replies, but it sounds to me like she is jealous that her brother has picked you over her and clearly doesn't have a life of her own.

I would just totally blank her and not give her the opportunity to be so 2 faced to you.

Original Post by singing_girl:

(By the way, I looked at your profile, you don't think she's jealous of you do you?  You're really cute and slim and you look like you have a really great job, not to mention a great relationship with your hubby!)

 

This is something I am unsure of, she is a pretty girl in her own right, and she does have a boyfriend of her own, they've been together 5 years or so...I have thought about this considering the fact that her and I are so close in age, etc...I know from stories that she has always been jealous of Craig growing up considering he was an over achiever in school and sports. I have thought maybe it has to do with the fact that she dropped out of college and never got her degree...and I am in a masters program with a good job that I actually like? I think the fact that we are so close in age she has compared herself to me maybe in her place in life? Within the last year and a half she has gained a lot of weight. When we saw her last Christmas it looked like she had gained at least 40 pounds since Craig had moved from Colorado...I think you guys are right, she has issues of her own to deal with and is taking some of those out on me possibly? Who knows.

Nomo is right on.  Passive-aggression is a way to manipulate people.  It only works if you play the game, by letting her set the tone and content of your interactions.  You know how it works:  If you get mad, you're the bad guy; if you ignore it, you hold lots of bad feelings inside.   Just call her on it.  Next time she gets all fake-nice with you, tell her straight up, you know, x, it really shocked me and hurt my feelings to find out that you were saying such unpleasant things about me.  I was hoping we could be friends, but I think you owe me an explanation for the way you've been treating me.

The trick with defusing passive-aggression is to not get mad, so she can't pretend that she's the victim.  Just be honest and direct.  You'll totally disarm her, and she won't know how to respond.

lysostrata...I get your advice and would love to act on it. However I have had this discussion with Craig and he has made it clear he doesn't want me to say anything about it to her. I told him if we are at the reunion and she says soemthing to me, I will finally call her out. He got all mad and was like "Fine, you do that if you want to be outcasted by the family from this point on because she will make a scene, and we will be out...do you want that?"

I cant tell if he is serious about how his family will react, or he just doesnt want me to say anything so we can continue pretending nothing has happened.

Original Post by amnlcrckr:

lysostrata...I get your advice and would love to act on it. However I have had this discussion with Craig and he has made it clear he doesn't want me to say anything about it to her. I told him if we are at the reunion and she says soemthing to me, I will finally call her out. He got all mad and was like "Fine, you do that if you want to be outcasted by the family from this point on because she will make a scene, and we will be out...do you want that?"

I cant tell if he is serious about how his family will react, or he just doesnt want me to say anything so we can continue pretending nothing has happened.

Well, that makes it tricky.  There is definitely a difference between confronting her about the situation and simply refusing to be a doormat.  Of course he doesn't want a big scene at the family event; that would be embarrassing for everybody.  Still, it seems difficult to understand why they would blame you for her causing a scene.  I guess families do stranger things.

Just out of curiosity, you said that you get along really well with the rest of the family.  Have you ever said anything to them about how this is making you feel?  They may not be as blind to it as you might think.