why?

after over a year of anorexia, i think i finally discovered my "why." it was never about the fear of being fat, abuse/trauma, i wondered if it was just health in general (i've always been somewhat health-conscious), but that just didn't seem to be it.

it was for control, but not like some people think. not like i wanted to control everything that went into me, like "it was the only part of my life i felt like i could control..." i had been gaining weight slowly and healthfully (i was growing) and i think i just didn't want the scale to move anymore. i wanted it to stay the same number. (i'm incredibly ocd and have been since i was a toddler.) i was also afraid of foods and situations unfamiliar to me. i guess my "safe" foods just became less and less, and over time came to eliminate dense foods because i wanted to make sure that number on the scale did not go up, although what my body actually looked like i didn't care. i developed a little girl body, but at least that was something i already knew how to handle. literally, i cared how the digital number looked, not how fat/skinny i was!!!

weird, right? i just had to post because it's something i've always wondered about since i was diagnosed with anorexia.

i don't think "why" is very important in the big picture, only that we are able to recover and lead normal, happy lives, but for anyone who does understand the background of their own story: why?

Aww Nina Ive just read what you wrote and it honestly was heart breaking, you are such a wonderful girl it is really sad to hear you write those things. Really you have given me and others here fantastic advice and support, I wish I could I could help you more but as Meryl and Helen said we are all here to help you and cheer you along, *hug*

*hugs* betty. Bless you hon. I do love this forum. There is no way I would have gotten this far in my physical recovery if it had not been for the loving words and encouragement found here.