What would you do? :(

I realize Ive announced my marriage on this site a few times now and yes it is only 32 days away counting today!! Im extremely excited and happy about it.

One very sad thing, my sister is getting out of detox today for alcoholism and they are trying to get her to go to rehab. Of course in the end it is her choice in this case but either she goes to a rehab in her state or comes home to live with my parents and go somewhere around here. The rehab is 30 days.

I am SO upset. My sister is like everything to me and it breaks my heart to see her go through so much crap and watch her suffer. She is my maid of honor and even though she lives 4 hours away she has been a great help with planning the wedding and helping with me with everything. Now with this whole rehab thing...I dont know what to do. The announcements are ordered, the venue is scheduled...everything is pretty much complete. If she goes into rehab today or tomorrow she will barely make it out in time for the wedding on the 21st of Nov. But if she goes into rehab in 2 days or more...definitely not out in time.

Im lost.

What would you do if you were in my place?

Ask her to go to rehab and get someone else to stand up with you.

This is tough, in one hand we all know that she needs to go. In the other hand is there a way she can come to you to plan everything with you sometimes having a project like planning a wedding is rehab of a diffrent kind. you both win and if need be she can go to rehab after the wedding?

Opinion, at the end you know what is best.

Nieto914

Does she need the rehab?  If she needs it, she should go.

It's a bit harsh, but in the long run, it is more important for her to get the help she needs than it is for her to be able to stand up in your wedding.  It sounds like you guys are close so she'll be there with you in spirit even if she can't be there in person.

I think you need to talk to her about it.  See how she feels about going to rehab.  Does she feel like she needs it?  Does she want to go?  If she does want to go to rehab, will she be heartbroken if you ask somebody else to stand up for you in her stead?  Perhaps there's some compromise you can work out where if she decides to go to rehab and gets out in time, she'll be able to be a bridesmaid even if she can't be the maid of honor.  That way she could be involved in your special day without having so much responsibility.  Or maybe she'd be willing to share the title and responsibility with another friend of yours...

Original Post by nieto914:

This is tough, in one hand we all know that she needs to go. In the other hand is there a way she can come to you to plan everything with you sometimes having a project like planning a wedding is rehab of a diffrent kind. you both win and if need be she can go to rehab after the wedding?

Opinion, at the end you know what is best.

Nieto914

 Yeah I was totally thinking that she could come up here and we could go crazy on wedding plans and she could be distracted with that...but now everything is pretty much planned.

I love her and want her to go to rehab because I know that is the only way.

Pretty much I was wondering what people thought if I should postpone the wedding?

Well I'm selfish so I won't answer what I'd really do myself.  :P

I really feel this is a genuinely difficult situation and the thought I had was to discuss it with her, in person if at all possible so no matter what happens you've made the best effort.  The question is who is going to do something about this, you or her?  I would love to see her come up with her own solution to this rather than you rescheduling.  Personally, no matter what problem I'm having I will not impose on anyone else if it kills me.  Do they not allow for any situation like this in the program?  Is there someone who can be with her for the trip/wedding?  Would she understand if you went ahead without her?

I'm getting worked up just thinking about this.  I hope you can find a solution.

What a bummer. I'm really sorry. I'm guessing there is absolutely no way she could get a day pass to leave rehab just for one day? Especially if the date is towards the very end of her stay, if she is doing well, I would like to think they may be willing to work with her..

seriously? rehab trumps wedding.

Original Post by watergirl:

seriously? rehab trumps wedding.

I agree with this. However, both you and your sister are at important milestones in your lives.  They just happen to be very different ones!  Your wedding is equally as important to you as rehab and getting her life back are to her.  If you postpone your wedding because of her rehab that could be a huge guilt thing for her. And it could be a huge resentment thing for you.

My opinion is she should go to rehab as scheduled, and you should get married as scheduled.  And when she's out and your honeymoon is over the two of you do something special together to celebrate the new roads that your lives are taking.

Best of luck and many prayers.

Maybe she could try the outpatient rehab and if it doesn't work out for her she could go for inpatient after the wedding.  Or maybe she will choose not to do rehab.

Original Post by watergirl:

seriously? rehab trumps wedding.

Well and what does this exactly mean? Cancel the wedding? I know she needs to go to rehab and its more important than my wedding.

this is heartbreaking.  of course you want your sister to be at your wedding and it's endearing to hear that you'd even consider rescheduling your wedding to accommodate her.

at the same time, if you're invested in doing what's best for her here, i think the best move is to keep the wedding as planned.  alcoholism is an ugly disorder.  it can take people away from the things they care most about.  it is difficult enough to treat, but becomes almost impossible if the person's environment is set up to accommodate her addiction.  if you change your wedding, you're accommodating her addiction.  the pain of missing out on things that she cares most about, like your wedding, may be the very thing she needs to motivate her to get better.  i think you can do your best to support her in treatment and to use your wedding like a carrot to encourage her to get in and get serious about it so that she can potentially come to the wedding.  you can share with her how heartbroken you are at the thought of her missing your wedding and how badly you'd like her to be there.  but i would not recommend changing things for her, especially BEFORE she even starts treatment.  i think it's important for people to experience the natural consequences of their behaviors.  and it may be the push she needs here to do the work to get better.

good luck!

Original Post by priceless7:

Original Post by watergirl:

seriously? rehab trumps wedding.

Well and what does this exactly mean? Cancel the wedding? I know she needs to go to rehab and its more important than my wedding.

I agree with watergirl.  Rehab comes first.  And I also don't think you should lay the whole "cancel the wedding" on her, probably make her feel even worse.  Alaskanmama had a good suggestion.

Original Post by rosieblue:

Original Post by priceless7:

Original Post by watergirl:

seriously? rehab trumps wedding.

Well and what does this exactly mean? Cancel the wedding? I know she needs to go to rehab and its more important than my wedding.

I agree with watergirl.  Rehab comes first.  And I also don't think you should lay the whole "cancel the wedding" on her, probably make her feel even worse.  Alaskanmama had a good suggestion.

I would NEVER do that. I know better than most in my family how easily alcoholism can take away lives.

I would never put that guilt on her so please do not belittle me like that. But I am willing to put the wedding on hold so that she can be there, she is my sister and I love her dearly.

*Edited for clarification

I agree with laura 916 and alaskanmama.

Thanks...I agree that both things should happen (wedding and rehab), I guess it just makes me sad to think she might not be there. But both happening is for the best.

Thanks all for the insights :) words of encouragement definitely helped me through today.

Original Post by priceless7:

Original Post by watergirl:

seriously? rehab trumps wedding.

Well and what does this exactly mean? Cancel the wedding? I know she needs to go to rehab and its more important than my wedding.

it means she wont be at your wedding.

ETA: unless you are having an alcohol-free event, she shouldnt be there anyways.

Original Post by priceless7:

Original Post by rosieblue:

Original Post by priceless7:

Original Post by watergirl:

seriously? rehab trumps wedding.

Well and what does this exactly mean? Cancel the wedding? I know she needs to go to rehab and its more important than my wedding.

I agree with watergirl.  Rehab comes first.  And I also don't think you should lay the whole "cancel the wedding" on her, probably make her feel even worse.  Alaskanmama had a good suggestion.

I would NEVER do that. I know better than most in my family how easily alcoholism can take away lives.

I would never put that guilt on her so please do not belittle me like that. But I am willing to put the wedding on hold so that she can be there, she is my sister and I love her dearly.

*Edited for clarification

I didn't belittle you.  What I meant was that you should go ahead with your wedding even though she'll be in rehab.  I'm sure she's going through a tough time, and canceling your wedding might make her feel worse.  And once again, I agree with WG.  Probably best if your sister stayed away from events with alcohol.

You love your sister.  Do what is best for her and send her to rehab.  While it may really suck her health and well being is way more important.

Is a wedding (particularly the reception) the best place for someone who's a recovering alcoholic to be? I imagine the temptation to drink would be heightened immensely by free-flowing alchohol and a group of people at least particially drunk/tipsy.. which does tend to be the case at most wedding receptions. Not that I'm suggesting she shouldn't be at the wedding, but the rehab could be a blessing in disguise. Celebrate the wedding with her when she gets out with something unconventional, go paintballing or do some other fun activity (not wine tasting!), it'll be a joint celebration of her sobriety and your marriage.

I guess it depends on what's involved with cancelling.  I wouldn't be having a bigass wedding, so if I had a similar situation I'd just push the wedding off a month or so so she could be there.  If you love her, and from what you said, you totally do, then wait.  What's the rush?  

Also have to say I had a bit of a vision of the possibility of her getting smashed at the reception... sorry :/