bad times :/

i'm sorry guys, but i'm failing on you all.

i'm going to have to be honest with you, whilst i've been giving advice, i've not been accepting any of my own advice, and have been dropping my calories, not even once reaching 3000. today i only managed 500/600, and my bmi has gone from 19.7 a few weeks ago back to18.5. i don't know what to do, because i don't look thin! and i don't feel ready to recover. there are definitely girls in my school who are thinner than me and they eat properly, and this is not bdd, they actually are thinner than me. it's so unfair :/ i'm constantly shivering still and i'm pale and my skin is ugly, but i can't gain! i got my period back yesterday, causing ED to yell at me and hence i ate so badly today.

so i've come here to apologise to you all and say that i doubt i'll be online for a while because i'm letting you all down.

you're all doing so well, everybody else should keep it up, you're all so inspirational.

Dont say you  have let anyone down. you are fighting a very difficult fight and I am going through EXACTLY the same thing as you. I also find this 18.5/19 20 bmi thing very difficult to accept. I have been having the same 600/700 a day calorie restriction for the last 3 months and I have lost maybe 6/7 pounds at the most. I have now had almost 3 days where I have eaten properly and im trying to make myself see that life will be no better hiiden behind ED.

Remind yourself that a bmi of 19/20 is only just healthy. Its not overweight or large or even close to middle of the range it is loww healthy. You may or may not be larger than the other girls BUT as you say they eat properly  so are healthy and probably living and enjoying life! We have to accept that we all have a different set point and will not be the same weight as everyone else.

We can do this, I feel like a shift has happened to me in the last few days and really im beginning to see that life is not meant to be lived the way we are doing it. I had a lovely spa weekend away with my uni friends and managed to eat in a restaurant with them and I cant pretend ED wasn't there with me but I did my very best to ignore it and it kinda went a little.

Please dont give up, you do deserve happiness and life and keep fighting. I know its exhausting [half the time I want to lay down and sleep with it all] but lets keep fighting.

PM me anytime you need to talk xxxxxx

thanks glitterandsprinkles, i completely understand everything, i just can't make it apply to me if you get me? i probably will end up pm'ing you sometime soon xD thank you!

I think that all the time "Well they are way skinnier than me, so what's my problem? Just another 20 pounds..." But the reality is, everyone has a different body. And if they are naturally that skinny, then it's just how they are. They have smaller bones/ a smaller build than you.

But we need to calories, as hard as that is to comprehend. (I too think i dont need anything...blah) You need to keep your period don't risk losing it again!!!

Once you start eating normally and your body gets used to it, you will lose all your water weight and look amazing and feel amazing!

 

My new mentality: I am 14, I will enjoy eating what I want while I can!!!

tigal I totally understand. I used to be obese pre ED and so everytime I read or am told by my dietician that I can eat ice cream and normal 'non diet' foods and maintain a healthy weight I just dont believe it will be true for me!

Also as zombers says [hey zombers keep up your great work!] everyones body is different you musn't compare, especially as after restricting your body will need more than them to maintain a healthy weight anyway!!! I find it very hard to believe as for 21 years of my life I was always the fattest one in the room at over 300lbs. So when people say to me you are still really thin or could put on some more weight, I just dont believe it!!

But you know we have to keep saying these are all EDs tools to keep us trapped. Telling us we are different to everyone else and that we are not good enough no matter what we do! We will never be thin enough for ED and will always be too big for ED. So we need to focus on being healthy for us....

Anytime you need to really go for it with a pm!!

Hi tigal!

Just because you haven't BEEN making it, doesn't mean that you are not GOING to make it. Whatever you do, do NOT stop fighting your ED.

And don't vanish - even if you just lurk - feel free to pm to post anytime you need a sounding board or a kick in the butt - whatever it takes.

thanks for the support everyone!

Original Post by wordsmithmkuk:

Hi tigal!

Just because you haven't BEEN making it, doesn't mean that you are not GOING to make it. Whatever you do, do NOT stop fighting your ED.

And don't vanish - even if you just lurk - feel free to pm to post anytime you need a sounding board or a kick in the butt - whatever it takes.

^^THIS.

Honey, everyone has bad times - otherwise we'd all be 'cured' in 6 weeks flat!! You can turn this around - you have to. It doesn't matter about the other kids at school. There are women I know who are thinner than me, but I wouldn't call tehm healthy in any way - in fact, by my age, they're looking b**** awful...

Absolutely no apology necessary - you're human!! But you have to keep fighting. You don't get to give up, 'cos ED will say you' don't look thin' even when you are starving to death - in fact, it's a bizarre thing, but sometimes the thinner you are, the 'fatter' you THINK you look... c'mon kid, keep with us! :)

Holdnon hold on hold on one darn pickin minute!!! Dont go slippin into a negative Nancy space now love. This frikkin disorder is a terrible terrible horrible mean mean nasty thang. Of course people struggle!!! You're no exception.

Hunny we can all preach and advise until were blue in the face! People recovering know the most about the ins and outs of eating disorders. So although you know the knowledge, doesn't mean you can apply it. I can write the book! But I struggle everyday! Dont retreat into yourself , reach out! And pull yourself through and out of this. Whatever you do-dont give up hope.That's dangerous. Sometimes, hopes all we have! Xxxxx

Original Post by tigal:

i'm sorry guys, but i'm failing on you all.

i'm going to have to be honest with you, whilst i've been giving advice, i've not been accepting any of my own advice, and have been dropping my calories, not even once reaching 3000. today i only managed 500/600, and my bmi has gone from 19.7 a few weeks ago back to18.5. i don't know what to do, because i don't look thin! and i don't feel ready to recover. there are definitely girls in my school who are thinner than me and they eat properly, and this is not bdd, they actually are thinner than me. it's so unfair :/ i'm constantly shivering still and i'm pale and my skin is ugly, but i can't gain! i got my period back yesterday, causing ED to yell at me and hence i ate so badly today.

so i've come here to apologise to you all and say that i doubt i'll be online for a while because i'm letting you all down.

you're all doing so well, everybody else should keep it up, you're all so inspirational.

Congratulations! Tigal, you should be so proud of yourself. Maybe you're struggling a little right at this moment, but you've achieved so much and come so far.

As for 'failing us' or 'letting us down' - you're not here for us, we're here for you. That's how it works You support other people through their tough times, and when you're having a rough day like you are today, we get the chance to return the favour. You're not failing anyone, and no one is disappointed in you. We've all been there, after all.

please don't go away, keep posting. even if you are stuggling. when people stop posting i asume the worst.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. I've seen you posting in the weight gain forum a lot and it looks like you're doing amazing. You're only 14. When I was 14, I was just BEGINNING down the ED road. It would take me years to realize what I was doing. It's incredible that you are able to conquer this at such a young age. Don't waist your life on ED. You should be out having fun and being a kid. As for other girls being smaller, you're so young that your body is still growing, so those other people may not be that small forever. Besides, like everyone else said, people are made differently. Everyone has slips-ups in recovery, but that doesn't mean you have to give up. Just keep going. Being able to recover at your age tells me you are intelligent and ambitious. Thoese are very good characteristics to have. So don't waste them and don't waste these years. Get rid of ED so you can live your life to the fullest. Good luck!