When I am feeling "manic" and I want to tell my story, I always begin with, "yeah, just imagine how bad this is... ." I am 5'6," between 117-119 lbs, and with an athletic build. My weight has fluctuated since I hit puberty at prob 11. I remember being devastated in 5th grade when we were required a physical. I found out I weighed more then 100 lbs. I was 10 then. I am 22 years old and I weigh 17 pounds more give or take.
I have been steadily bulimic for 4 years now. My habit is binging and purging, and oh do I love to purge. I enjoy the feeling of throwing up. It has become for the most part my normal routine. I have had roommates, boyfriends, spent weeks with my family... I have told everyone of them, but I always find ways to bring my bulimia with me. I always find a way to purge and usually a time to binge. I can say for a fact no one I know are aware of how intense and serious this is.
I have a problem.
I have come to a conclusion that hungry people really enjoy the taste of food, and people with eating disorders are very hungry. They like food more then most people.
I hate spending my mornings "replenishing food". Every time I have an episode I tell myself that it will be the last time, but it never is.
I too struggle with bulimia every day and have for many years. I do not, however, binge and purge while with family or friends. I wish I had some kind of advice to give you that I feel you would take..but I will tell you to please go to a long term inpatient treatment facility. Preferably in another state. Remove yourself from your environment. I am looking into treatment centers as well. Don't go outpatient it never works. But please do find help.
Hi Ursula... I too am bulimic (5 years now) and like you i love the binge, and the purge, it's almost like a drug .. I love the taste of food and i love the feeling of getting rid of it all.. what i don't love is the shame, the manic episodes, the loss of control both when alone and in social environmets... It is no way to live and is destructive in soooooo many ways. For me it caused me to doubt myself in every aspect of my life, i mean i knew my b/p behaviour was not rational and as such didn't trust myself to make rational decissions in other areas of my life :(
I have been in "recovery" since January, i say "recovery" bacause i still have episodes, moments of weakness and sometimes just pure guilt at eating a little too much, or not the right thing.. but i can safely say i am improving. i have almost eradicated the binge part of the cycle, simply through structured eating and eating looooots of healthy, whole foods to ensure i don't get the sugar cravings etc. The purging however is a cycle much harder to break :( I am still not fully used to, or comfortable with the feeling of food in my stomach, but i am getting there, convincing myself that what i am eating is good, wholesome food and cannot make me fat.. I hope my body, if not quite yet my metabolism, has recoverd.. My hair is thicker, my skin is clearer and most of all my moods are stable and i am thinking clearer.. However my poor teeth are beyond repair.. the most obvious effect of bulimia.. I have promised myself that once i am completely b/p and sustaining it, i will get them fixed properly..
I know how much of a problem this is, menatally, physically and financially lol (those cheese burgers don't come cheap :)
But please whatever you do, get help... You will be amazed at how liberating it feels not to be controlled by food!! seriously, to not be thinking of what you're going to inhale next... it's tiring constantly battling urges/ binges/ purges/ guilt and so on..
Plus, food actually tastes better when you are hungry, real hunger, not the insane sugar/ carb urges we're used to.. and the feeling of smugness to be kicking ED's ass??? Priceless ; )
Sorry for the essay but just to let u know u are not alone and you CAN beat it!!
Fluffyducks, it is only right that I thank you SO much for sharing every word you wrote. And the way you wrote it. Especially for hardasses but sweet hearts like me who wouldn't dream of treating others in the strict way I somehow learned to do for myself!! So, while I may sincerely espouse what you do above to others, to honestly keep learning how to accept and carry out, that there should be no uncertainty whatsoever that I deserve to be treated like that too! Along with many others. To experience the liberation of the prison -- even and especially parts that may be very uncomfortable and hard getting there, being there and staying there and moving forward one day at a time. And that nobody including me most pointedly now, can steal, deny or refuse to return all the infinitely possible colors of life to me.
So that yes, we can. And hearing the words from you as opposed to just "knowing" those words myself, makes it sound like a real possibility, that it can really happen. Not just an ideal. And so no, we are not alone because as this happens, and recovery replaces disease piece by piece, we now have those pieces to give to others who don't have them. But want them. So maybe I can apologize for this essay now too, ha ha. Thank you fluffyducks. And I can only hope that somehow these words help to know as wel! Congralutions for all you are doing and "keepago" absolutely.
Thank you so much for the response! I had no idea anyone even would. I did this site on a whim when goggling, "help bulimia".
I have to be honest with you though, I am working sun-fri, 11am-4pm and then attending nursing school 4:30pm-10pm tues-fri and 7am-7pm clinicals on Saturday. I cannot receive the type of help you suggested.
I know I have told NUMEROUS people about my problem. I almost feel more comfortable telling people I do not know that well. I do not want anyone to worry about me. That would break my heart.
I wanted to get advice and add to this blog because I cannot attend an outpatient center, let alone one that is out of state. I have a couple of reasons: I am a full time nursing student, my current job likes me, and I don't want anyone to know why I was gone (in treatment). It's a small town.
I understand that you suffer similar symptoms as me... I don't want to do this anymore and I want to know that I am not alone.
I tried to quit smoking cigarettes a month ago and things have gotten WAY worse. I picked them back up a couple of days ago. I would get a coffee drink for the drive to school, eat in the car, and freak out (which eventually led to a drive threw order)when I smelled cigarettes (or food). I put on 5 pounds in 2 weeks.
I am so embarrassed about my lack of control... I want self help books, I want a therapist, I want out patient rehab (live at a resort for a couple of weeks), but I can't afford it. And the embarrassment would be detrimental.
Only in America can you find the poorest person obese.
Why Keepagoleelee : ) Thank you very much for your kind words!! I'm just so glad that it made a difference to someone, however small.. It was sites like this that actually prompted me to try and recover. We all know what a dark, lonely place Ed is, and in my case no one knew my secret, well i'm sure many people were well aware, as when the urges took over discretion and dignity go out the window, but i had no confidant and turned to the internet for some support.. The first site i found was invaluable in getting me seriously thinking about geting better was www.your-bulimia-recovery.com i don't know if any of you have come across this site? but Shaye is fantastic, she is recovered and answered all my questions and was a constant source of support.. i really cannot praise her or the site hghly enough as at the time, i had no one else..
We have to remember that recovery is not only a possibility, but a reality.. i remember knowing i was going to binge and knowing that i did not want to do it, but it's like a dark fog envelopped my brain, forcing reason out the window, to a place where it actually felt like i was outside my body looking down on myself binging, waiting til i was done and reason and consciencenous returned. A very surreal experience indeed..
Ed is a horrible, horrible disease.. and possibly the biggest challenge i have faced in my life so far, and boy have i faces a few : ) but bulimia has definitely had the most far reaching consequences, both physically and mentally. Everything else you can face head on and deal with the outcome, the problem with bulimia is that by the time you realise you have a problem you are usually too far gone : (
BUT.... guess what Bulimia??? We're back and ready to kick ass : ) lol
One thing to remember though is the old saying... If at first oyu don't succeed, try, try again : ) you are not a failure just because you fall at the first hurdle, practice makes perfect and if you just take it meal by meal even at first, instead of day by day, hours turn in to days, days to weeks and so on : )
Oh God, i better stop writing now lol.....
but seriously, i wish everyone the best in recovery, we ARE worth it ; )
I enjoyed reading everyone's story, shares and advice. I love seeing people contributing to others and being contributed to. Shaye's site is great and she's done amazing things for the recovery community. I highly recommend her site, too.
I would love to offer my website and blog as a possible resource for you, too. I had bulimia for 20 years and have been recovered since 2005. I don't know everything, but I'm constantly on the look out for ideas and share what I learn from others and what I read openly. I have a newsletter you can sign up for, too, if you'd like to receive ideas sent to your inbox.
My bulimia recovery website: www.getbusythriving.com
My bulimia recovery blog: www.inspiring-bulimia-recovery.com
I hope you'll stop by and say HI.
Wishing you the best on your journey.
With light and love,
Will definitely check out your link as I think it's really important to be able to talk about our experiences..
Here's wishing everyone all the best with recovery : )