I just can't cope anymore..

At this point, I just feel ready to give up.

I'm sorry, I haven't posted here before - Infact, I just joined, but I've been lurking for a while now, wishing to be part of this positive community, but feeling to afraid to even try.

I'm an 18 year old girl, 5 ft 3.5 inches, and 85 pounds. If I'm being honest, I've been suffering from anorexia for over a year at this point, although it has progressively gotten worse as time went on. Of course.

About three weeks ago my family had a 'intervention' of sorts with me, and convinced me to start eating. I was eating probably 400 - 500 calories a day, maximum. I now eat three decent meals a day, and two snacks, but I just can't handle this.

Before anyone suggests I seek professional help, I have a nutritionist - one who seems reluctant to tell me ANYTHING..as well as a doctor who is constantly sending me for blood tests, among other tests. In all honesty, I'm becoming more and more frustrated with them, although I know they probably are helping me. If nothing else, it makes my family feel better knowing they're not dealing with me "alone."

Only thing is, I've never felt more alone in my life.

At first, it was great. I was excited to be eating again, and honestly got a bit obsessed - food was constantly on my mind. It still is, actually. I began eating about 1800 calories, which was a giant struggle. Within two days, I had gained two pounds, and I got scared and lowered my calories to about 1100 - 1200.  Still better, but probably not enough. Since then, I've dropped one of the two pounds I put on, and haven't gained anything that I know of. The only problem is, I'm not moving anywhere.

I want to get healthy, really, but I'm so, so scared. Food terrifies me, my body terrifies me, life terrifies me, and I just don't have the energy to deal with any of it. Today, I tried to take a move forward and eat one of my fear foods - just one - a  TBSP of peanut butter. I ate it fine, loved every second of what used to be one of my favourite foods (although I didn't have it with banana and honey, which was probably my favourite at one point.) but about fifteen minutes later I found myself hovering over the toilet bowl with my toothbrush down my throat. I caught myself before I actually threw up, but I'm even more deflated now. Up until this point, I had prided myself in at least never having any bulimic thoughts or actions, but today I ruined that. Now, more then ever, I just don't want to deal with any of this. I don't want to be me, I don't want to count calories,  I don't want to worry about my weight, or anything in regards...but I can't give it up.

I'm not sure what I think posting this will accomplish..maybe just some confirmation that I'm not as alone as I feel, or perhaps even some advice. Or reassurance that 'refeeding' isn't going to turn me into a balloon. I really don't know, but I'll take anything.

I'm sorry for this wall of text, especially after not even having the decency to introduce myself prior, but I appreciate you taking the time to read it. Thank you.


Edit: I'm sorry, I just realized I probably should have posted this in Health & Support.

You are not alone. Even though I am new to this site as well, I would guess almost everyone here has issues and traumas related to food. What seems "normal" to some isn't for others.

I applaud you for posting. I know you are hurting. I am on the same journey as you, trying to readjust my feelings and actions with what I eat. I though am trying to lose at least half my body weight. I got to nearly 600 pounds. I am as of yesterday at 488 and am tying to get into the 300's by the end of 2012.

Take a breath. You haven't failed. Every step forward is going to be difficult, but eventually it gets easier. Habits are VERY hard to break, especially with food.

I HATE dealing with these issues as well. I have been fighting it for 30 years. But don't give up. You are young and strong and will survive. Just focus on getting through the rest of today. Don't think long term. Just focus on one meal at a time.

I wish I read your post sooner and i hope its not too late to help. I have been exactly where you are right now. I spent October to December 2011 in hospital recovering from anorexia. I feel every second of your pain and your struggle and its so upsetting even though I've been there and I still struggle every day. I did the same as you- I went to the doctors and nutritionists in an effort to help myself get better but i only got worse and frustrated, just the same as you. The main thing that stands out to me that I am sure you know already is that ED is a mental issue as much as a physical one- you can just be told to eat by some nutritionist, thats a total joke. And truth be told I found I had every bit as much knowledge of food as any nutritionist anyway- you dont become anorexic without knowing alot about food. Its totally obvious what we 'should' eat, its actually overcoming the horrible fear and guilt that stops you putting your hand to your mouth. So step 1- find a psychologist (not just a counciller) that you feel comfortable with and can be honest with. Personally I couldnt do recovery at home, I admitted myself to hospital (as I said) and stayed there for two long, hard months. Dont be fooled by how dangerous ED is - I was so close to death it wasnt funny. I am 24, 5'5 and got down to 80ish. At the time I was so deranged by starvation I had no idea how sick I was. But I could feel that I didnt have alot of time left. Self admission into hospital was the best thing I could have done to jump start my recovery and coming out the other side (even though I still receive alot of support from doctors, psychologist etc) and I am still small, is the best feeling ever. Please feel free to write back if you have questions, I will help any way I can. Good luck.