WARNING: Some very triggering thoughts in this post, I apologize in advance.
Hi guys. Well, after becoming way too obsessive about calories I ballooned back to 130. Although I put back the weight, I wouldn't say it was in vein - I feel a lot more energized and my period returned after hiding for eight months. Can't say I wasn't upset at first; it felt like agony seeing the number creep back up, but eventually I learned to accept it. I still do count calories... But it's definitely not as obsessive now.
But after looking back (note that I was never diagnosed with an actual eating disorder, but I seemed awfully close), I began to realize the damage that's been done. A couple of weeks ago after class, my friend decided to keep me company since I had work an hour later. She thought it would be appropriate to check out a shoe store, and I followed her of course. I've never liked shopping for clothes/accessories so it would be natural for me to feel bored. Then I realized it wasn't boredom I felt - but rather, the pain after noticing so many skinny girls (yes, including my friend). I actually felt like I wanted to cry; at that moment I felt like I was a giant compared to everyone else. It didn't help that everyone in the store was thin. Luckily I managed to keep it in. I couldn't believe how something that trivial would affect me like that - and just when I thought those types of thoughts were going away.
Another time back in November (where I was still paranoid about calorie counting), me and my family went to a party to celebrate my cousin's third birthday. I knew junkfood would be there, so I purposely ate less before the party to make up for the crap I would eat later. It was time to eat cake; everyone had their portion - but even then it was so large there was still quite a bit left. My aunt told everyone there wasn't much room in the fridge so the cake had to be finished. Knowing this I thought, "I still got some calories left within my budget, so why not..." And I reached to take a sliver (no joke lol - it was the size of a small pancake!). My little sister noticed and mentioned, "Wowwww...fatty." That hit me hard, a lot harder than I'd like it to - guess who went to the washroom to cry? Perhaps what was even worse was what I was thinking at that moment: I'll starve, my parents will notice and they'll make her feel worse. She'll be partly to blame! Take that, b*tch!
... And so my question to everyone: what's your way of countering these bad thoughts?
You can see that these thoughts are negative, that's a good first step to countering them. Can you also see that they are unreasonable thoughts?
Why does seeing thin girls upset you so much and why do you feel big in comparison? What is it about thin that you attach so much value to? If it's about attractiveness, then super skinny is not the be all and end all of attractiveness. Attractiveness is about a whole person.
If we're talking about attractiveness to a potential sexual partner (boy or girl) then skinny doesn't even matter. Although I am heterosexual, I do appraise girls as I'm sure most girls do and I can clearly see that sexual attractivenes is about the whole person, their face, hair, eyes, something about their figure whether that is a slim waist or a gorgeous curved bum and thigh, really skinny girls often don't have rounded breasts ... do you see what I mean. Start looking at every girl around you and consider what you find attractive in each and every one of them (yes, I am telling you to be a total perve!!). My point being, if you can widen your view point of what you find attractive in a female form then you may stop obsessing about super skinny.
And if you associate thin with likeable then reconsider, what possible link is there with thin and likeable. Whether someone is likeable, popular, a good friend, etc. is about personality, confidence, honesty, integrity, approachableness, friendliness. Again, try to consider the people about you in more dimensions.
As for sisters, they can be mean and spiteful and rarely actually mean what they say in snidy moments. You're young and active, you can certainly eat an extra sliver of cake without doubling in size.
Anyway, I hope that is of some help. Start questioning your negative thoughts. Take them to their logical conclusion and then counter them with more reasonable thoughts.
Well done in pursuing recovery, you are a brave and awesome person for it. Be proud of yourself!
Love Suzi xx