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I cannot reply to this now but I will I promise. Quickly though, if you start going back you will lose control and you will end up losing more weight. You cannot control you ED if you let it in again, it will control you.

Keep working at getting better. See your gp. It is hard and horrible but giving up wont solve a thing. Plus you haven't really given it a go yet. Keep your weight up for a few years, see how you settle. You chose to recover for a reason, so give it a chance before you chose to relapse. You know the dangers of anorexia so why not test being healthy before deciding its better to be dangerous.

Stay safe x.

edit: now I have time. As I said in my message, eating disorders only hide the problem, they don't solve it. You can only solve the problems with a stable brain, which you don't have if you're starving. You need to see a therapist and work through these problems. Go and shout at your GP till they refer you to your secondary care trust for an assassment. The primary care trust in your area may be better than mine, but mine is awful. You need crisis phone numbers. If you want mine you can have it. And you need to eat enough and eat regularly. And you need to sleep enough if possible. Honestly, you do not have to manage this alone. I know depression is rubbish - I'm really suffering too with many of the same feelings and urges as you. What's really helping me right now is some exercises I have been doing that I picked up from here.

Basically, answer these questions

When I am well I am:

What do I need to do for myself everyday to keep myself as well as possible?

What do I need to do regularly to keep my overall sense of well being?

Then I wrote a list of behavioural, emotional and physical signs of anorexia so I could identify what are the symptoms and what are me.

Remember, you are not your illness. Wanting to restrict is a symptom of a medical illness which is not you and is not your fault. You do not want to be unhealthily underweight, but your illness does. You can beat it if you can beat these symptoms down, but it takes time and energy. Eating disorders have purposes, but they are not the only way to cope. You need to find healthy coping mechanisms, which you can and will do if you work at it and stay healthy,

Honestly, nothing is forever, you have not always felt like this and won't feel like this forever. You can get through it. Just be strong x.

come on missus, what's happening here? :(

i'm not letting you slip behind me, we've been recovering at the same pace for a while now, and i'm not losing you at the last hurdle!

i understand that ED made you numb and helped you cope, but whilst it was numbing your pain, it was also numbing everything good in life, you just haven't realised that yet! tomorrow, hun, when it's light, go and take a few steps outside and deep breath, and look around you. it's a really enlightening thing to do, contemplate everything around you! and while you're at it, here's my favourite quote, from the smiths, There is a light and it never goes out <3

don't worry about having a bmi of 20, i'm nearing that myself and i feel gorgeous, and somehow even thinner than when i had a low bmi! and actually, bethie, lovely, 17 bmi is dangerously ill, it's in the anorexia range. are you aware that karen carpenter died of anorexia whilst in the normal weight zone, so she wasn't actually classed as anorexic due to her weight, but that was the cause of her death, so actually sweetie, 17 is awful. i know it's much higher than you've been in the past, but that isn't the point!

can you try again to reply to my mail, we'll have a good chat xxx

BMI 17, after all your hard work?? Don't you DARE!!

Honey, I know how awful it is to start to feel again, but at the same time, it can be so great!! Oh yes, you CAN cope - read back at your post from your birthday, about what happened to you at 16, 17, and how different at 18... You have coped with more than any kid should ever have to cope with, and depression can be cured, you know!!

Please Beth, just remember how far you have come - No, I don't think BMI 20-21 is your set point, because you have had to try so hard to get there - but you've DONE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How brave is that?? BUT... neither is BMI 17... that's a slow, lingering death, and you know it!!

yes, feeling is hard, But feeling is part of the alive, living world - and it is good as well as bad!!

Stick with us, kid!!

Big hugs,

DM

Beth love,

My that post made my heart hurt. You are too wonderful, you do not deserve this. If you start losing weight it is likely you will not stop. You can't let yourself do this after working this hard, after achieving so much! 

Look 20 years into your future, look for something that you want to do, something you want to achieve. You don't want to look 20 years into your future and see a cold, emotionless, lonely skeleton. Depression sucks I know but Beth is it something you can change. It is something that can get better. Hiding what is going on through dulling your emotions isn't going to work forever. You want to sort it so you can live the wonderful life that you have in store. 

Beth I know this may sound silly but everything happens for a reason and you had the strength to push yourself to get better. You are here for a reason. You were saved. You can do this, I know you can.

Beth you want to live and part of living is feeling. No not everything you feel will be great but the lows we go through make the highs even better. Without feeling like **** you won't know what feeling great feels like.

Please Beth fight this. I am here for you PM me if you would like :)

Thinking of you xox

I'm not going to try and 'cheer you up' because I've been severely, medically depressed myself and I know that being 'jollied along' does no good whatsoever! You know I love you and am here for you, and so are many others on here so stay strong. I know, and more importantly you know, you can do this.

I know the following may not be the answer, but it is an answer; I am on anti depressants and they completely resolve the problem for me. I am pretty certain I would not be OK without them, but with them I am A-OK. They also help my sleep, which I know you also have a problem with. I know a lot of people disprove of medication but frankly, these have saved my life and so I'm not arguing with that!

If meds are not something you would consider, try natural alternatives. St John's Wort is the classic one, but try googling other alternatives or talk to someone in Holland and Barrett for suggestions. I also take Starflower oil and it keeps me sane. If I don't take it for more than a week I turn into an emotional wreck (tearful, miserable, anxious), and this stabilises me completely. It sorts out your hormones, like Evening Primrose Oil but it's stronger and much better. It's the best tip anyone ever gave me, to take it- you can get from Boots.

The benefit of prescription meds is that they will be free to you if your family is in hardship, which from what you say, they very much are.

Stay safe, love RR x

So sorry you are feeling this low...

This is ED again you know... in my attempting recovery I am at last beginning to see that ED will try every low down scummy trick it can to stop you escaping, if you seem strong and block it's voice with one issue it will try another and another until it finds a thought or argument to get you back..and then it reels you in...I think ED is telling you how much worse things will be without it, dripping it's nasty poisonous little words into your psyche....please don't listen.

Depression sucks I know but deal with it in a healthy way at a healthy weight and you will learn to cope and live your life as it should be...Ed is not a coping mechanism,it just masks hurt with hell....in the long run you will cope with sadness but you will not survive ED.....deep breath, chin up,  get some expert advice and deal with this head on...ED is not on your team xx

You have been an inspiration to me,sending you love

Foodle

beth my love, please take time, cry and scream and let it all out honey, i have screamed at my friends telling them to eff off and i hate them for making me fat again, but u know what after i had worn myself out from all that screaming, i realised what this is doing to me and i kek to eat even if only a bite of something i kept going back. come on darlin, i' with u as is everyone else, i had my first whole egg today on a crumpett and yesterday i couldnt even bare to count how many calories i ate as i had my first ever eat what the hell i liked day and had to drag myself away from the kitchenm. but thats normal , anorexia isnt honey its destroying us and there is only one way to destroy it and thats never to go back and keep eating ourselves to health. so much love babe xx clare

I am with all the others, Beth -- you've come too far to let yourself go back now.

I also agree with Raspberry -- medication is NOT a crutch, medication is a medical necessity for most depression sufferers.  With medication, you can focus on the root of the problem; without medication, you have trouble focusing on the end of the day.

Please -- head back to the doctor's and ask if you are a candidate for medication -- it really can turn your world around.

Just to say i second what everyone else has said!!

You are too special to let ED back into your life, you have such strenght within you to deal with your depression in a constructive way and not through ED.

My heart goes out to you, reading your other posts your family have alot going on atm, this is most likely adding to your depression. Feeling is a pain in the butt alright but there is so many Good feelings too. 

Stay Strong Beth, you will get through this and life will get better

Sandy xxx

Hi Beth,

The progress you've made is amazing and you have so much to be proud of. Don't waste all that hard work. I have had clinical depression since I was about 12 and I went on medication when I was 14. Like a few others have mentioned, it really can help. I don't know how healthcare works in the UK, but in the US I get my medicine really cheap. Its about the only good thing about my health insurance! I know it may not seem like it now, but things will get better. Going back to your ED may make you numb, but in the end, it is not worth it.

BETH, NO. Stay strong. You're one of the strongest people I know and I barely even know you. You've helped me so much and I won't let you slip up! I'm sending you a hug, you'll be in my thoughts!

Beth, you have done so well. Your ED lies to you, it tells you to give up when times are tough, it tells you to restrict, it tells you that it is the correct way to cope. ED is a f*** liar. You haven't believed ED throughout your (amazing) recovery, so why start now? You can learn to cope in other ways! Believe me, I've struggled with new coping methods: when I got into a fight, argument, was stressed, whatever! The first thing I thought was: restrict. It's not right! It's our stupid ED's talking, not what we truly want! My therapist had me come up with a list of new coping methods that are right for me and that are available during stressful times. Like running/walking (in moderation!), listening to music, baking, taking a bath, talking on the phone, eating your favorite food, or doing whatever else you love! You can do it, it's just part of the recovery process.

Love, metallichloe <3

I don't think there's anything I can say that hasn't already been said. Depression and ED are a poisonous mix and hard to cope with (and maybe medication is an option - something to talk to your GP about anyway). I just wanted to let you know one more person cares. You can do this.

I totally agree with what everyone has already said. Please do not give up Beth. You are beautiful! And you CAN continue recovery! <3

Beth the point you are at in recovery is very hard and I have been there a few times. Up till the last attempt at recovery when I recovered I did go back to my eating disorder because the depression,anxiety,recovery was too hard to handle like you said. So I went back to the ed which in turn made the depression,anxiety etc worse,I lost more in my life like friends,behind in work/school,family which in turn made the mental worse. Then began developing health issues because the longer you have an ed the less your body can hold on. So maybe at one point 17 bmi did not create an problems but with time it can and we are talking major like heart etc. Then when I recovered physically from the ed it was not that the mental got better instantly but I can say that the physical health made it so I could cope in a better way but it took time.

I think when things are so hard it is easy to glorify the eating disorder but in reality it such a horrible and painful life. Like others said you have come so far and really have to push through this time and give it a full chance. I remember my therapist awhile back saying when you nourish and get to a better weight that is when the real mental work begins and it is true. For me things felt worse before they felt better that was mind and body.

Feeling is hard and a lot is because you are not used to it. Think of things in life that you have not done before and they are hard but then as you get used to it and practice more they become easier. The same is true for feelings,eating disorders,so on.

I agree with others about meds. Meds are there to assist and sometimes a brain chemistry is off. It does not mean for ever you would need them but for a time being can really aid.

I am not saying this easy cause I know the mental battle. Not with ed but right now my anxiety/depression is not doing good. I feel like I may lose my mind but I am using the skills I have learned while taking care. Also taking 1 day at a time and getting through it in the best way I can. I encourage this for you too.

Sorry for the novel one more thing look at how many people care here to respond to you. That says something about the person you are but you have to feel that for yourself. You have to feel in your heart you deserve recovery and sometimes until you can you just have to do the healthy actions.

.

.

My Dear Beth you have not let anyone down, we all know what the struggle is like, and no one flies through recovery plain sailing.

 As abbi said you are at that last stage in recovery, which is so hard to push through. If its any consolation i too am at a bmi of 20.5-21 and find i struggle on days, i feel so uncomfortable in my new body, but hey i am healthy now and i keep telling myself i will get used to it, i am not going back down again im staying here despite what ED wants me to do. Wasted too much time listening to his advice.

I think you know the answer to your question regarding going back to bmi 18.5 if your body is meant to be there it will go back down, have you got your periods yet??

I would like (or ED would like me) to be back at bmi 18.5 but i didnt look healthy at that weight, no boobs no curves etc.

Give it more time Beth, stay on your path to a full recovery, you are so close it would be such a shame and a waste of all your hard work to go backwards.

I Do think you need to deal with your depression though, i think it will really affect your chances of a full recovery if you dont!!!

*HUGS* Sandy xoxox

 

Original Post by beth22_x:
  • That's just it...I dont have anything to focus on that is good. Nothing. I honestly cant think of anything, I was starting to get it back but its going again.

Losing weight is not going to change this. It's not going to add anything good to your life - completely the opposite, it's going to detract from it. You've said before that you used ED to control your depression, and this looks like the same thing happening again. One minute you're trying to convince yourself that you are naturally on the knife-edge of healthy, the next you're talking about how you've gone back to restricting the types of food you eat. You're tempted to lose weight because ED wants a relapse, not because it will genuinely make you any happier.

Relapse happens. It's nothing to be ashamed of, any more than developing ED in the first place is. You have nothing to be sorry for and you haven't let anyone down by acknowledging the way you genuinely feel, but at the same time it's important for your own wellbeing that you recognise the urge to relapse for what it is. Don't let it rule you, not after kicking its butt so well for so long.

 

I remember reading how the start of weight restoration and the end of weight restoration is the hardest. Also how important it is to finsih weight restoration and get to a healthy bmi and stay there for your mind to recover fully. I believe that fully. For the sake of lets say 5 pounds it can make such a huge difference mind/body.

Beth NO you can't lose weight. You need to stick with this and sit with these bad feelings. They will get better if you hold to hope and stay strong. I know this is so hard and I am saying this as someone who has been through the same.

Right now you may not feel their are positive goals and things about you but they are there waiting to come out and shine. Can you make a list of some things you would like to try? A hobby or a class? A way to meet people? You are so focused right now on changing your body and that being the answer but the answer for what? Is it going to make you friends,give you a job, enjoy hobbies,a carefree spirit? NO! The only way to improve those things is by working on ways to get involved.

I am not saying you should take meds or not because I think it is a personal choice. That being said you are in a bad place mentally right now and I almost feel you should go for a consult and get educated about it from an expert. You are focused on people who have had negative med experiences but there are positives that can come where people can barely function before taking them and now can.

Please hang in there

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