I don't want to die--- and I dont feel like I will..
Althought I feel deaf is something the answer, I know i actually don't want to die. I am waiting on inpatient treatment--- but it is taking longer than expected. My doctor is freaking out, telling me i am going to die if I don't start eating. I am too scared to eat more before IP. My bmi is like 13.7--- I've seen lower. I don't feel I could die at this stage.. could I? I feel my doctor is being drastic. I don't want to hurt my family.. but I don't feel I am going to die. Am I totally off by this?
I remember you posting something about this before. You may not feel like you are that sick but trust me you are that sick. You are so far down right now that you aren't even thinking rationally, if you were thinking rationally you would know and be terrified of not waking up the next day. We can keep telling you what you already know but it won't make any difference if you don't decide to listen. You say you don't want to die, OK now ask yourself if you want to live.
You will never feel as though you're about to die. Do it now or die trying. You need to eat.
We could all give you 100 good reasons for doing so. But in the end, nobody can do this for you. =( Puddykat is entirely correct in saying you won't be able to listen to anything other people say. It makes me so sad to read threads like these.
If you aren't willing to throw your life away, you do need pick up your game and realise what anorexia has done for you.. FRIG ALL, that's what. You have been through immense pain and suffering for this beast, and what has he left you? Nothing. He's a bloody dementor, he sucks all happiness out of your life.
You need to turn your back on him and realise that you can live happily without it.
You'll be in my thoughts.
Original Post by reinewen:
You will never feel as though you're about to die. Do it now or die trying. You need to eat.
We could all give you 100 good reasons for doing so. But in the end, nobody can do this for you. =( Puddykat is entirely correct in saying you won't be able to listen to anything other people say. It makes me so sad to read threads like these.
If you aren't willing to throw your life away, you do need pick up your game and realise what anorexia has done for you.. FRIG ALL, that's what. You have been through immense pain and suffering for this beast, and what has he left you? Nothing. He's a bloody dementor, he sucks all happiness out of your life.
You need to turn your back on him and realise that you can live happily without it.
You'll be in my thoughts.
All I can do is agree with the other posters. The dementor analogy is spot on. ED is an ugly, evil beast trying to suck out your soul. Nobody ever feels they warrant other people's worry - that everyone is over reacting... but you really are ill, and you really do need help. If you can bring yourself to start eating, you will help the IP process along.
And yes, absolutely you could die. Are you in the UK? If so, then the very fact that you are evn being considered for IP means you are very ill indeed. Ultimately though, no amount of treatment can ever be enough until you can say you actually want to turn this thing around. Use this time waiting to go in as your starting point. It may not seem like it some days, but we all have it within us to stop this thing!!
Best of luck!!
My doctor is freaking out, telling me I am going to die if I don't start eating.
Your doctor is right and there are hundreds of years of science and millions of examples to prove him right.
Not eating? That's called starving.
People who continue starving and never start eating again?
They die.
They always die.
It's called starving to death and I'm sure you've heard of it.
What are you doing right now?
Not eating or at least not eating enough.
What is going to happen if you continue?
Your body is going to continue destroying itself in hopes of keeping itself alive because you won't give it the energy it desperately needs. You are at a very low BMI. Your body does not have much more energy it can pull from itself. You could possibly survive another couple of months carrying on as you are. But then again, you could only survive another couple of days.
So what should you do?
I'll let you answer that.
Many people dont feel like they are going to die. They just do.
Your damaging your heart. What could that do/mean? A heart attack.
My nan didnt feel like she was going to have a heart attack. She died on the way to work.
My dad didnt feel like he needed his heart operation. If he didnt have it what could have happened? He could have died.
You could die. You dont need to feel ill to die. It just happens.
Yes, you are totally off on this. Your doctor is not over exaggerating. Yes, you will die if you don't eat.
Hi scamprages...
I just wanted to say that I am in a very similar situation to yourself and my BMI is around the same too.
I havent been told I will die as such, but have been warned and I DO have a number of medical complaints...abnormal bloods, ECG etc. But like you I just dont feel that ill and am constantly questioning myself and second guessing everything and everyone. I do feel ill in the sense that I cant do much at all, low energy, hurting bones, etc, but I just cant seem to relate that down to the fact that I am not eating enough. I think the main reason for this is because i do eat....I have never restricted like some people down to 200 or 300 calories a day, I think the worst for me was around 800 and now I have around 1200 - 1300 a day so surely I cant die if I am eating that amount?
I dont want to offer you advice, because I would be a hypocrite in not taking it myself, but I do want to offer support and strength to you. Be strong, Be carefull, Think alot about what the DR has said - he/she would not be saying this to you if it wasnt true. Dont leave it too late....listen to the others on here and what they are saying as I am sure they are in better positions than I am currently to be advising you.
Please take care xxx
Reading your posts makes me feel really sad as I know what you are thinking and feeling as I was there until a few weeks ago... I have been in the position you are in waiting for IP treatment and the ED tricks you into thinking that you shouldn't eat more before you go into treatment. This is just ED tricking you though and there is not one minute element of rational thinking to this. You are dangerously underweight and your mind is completely taken over by your ED. The only way to get out of this is to ignore the ED voice screaming at you and eat! This is all that IP treatment will do for you - they will get you to eat and eat lots to gain weight. Don't wait for that treatment to start - start now at home - increase your meals. You need to increase to 2,500 a day initially (trust me it sounds a lot but your body will need this and more to even start to recover). When you start to eat more you will start to feel better and think more rationally and then will realise how irrational your thinking is now.
Ignore how you think you feel physically - you feel ok as your body is so starved it is giving you every element of false 'energy' and restlessness in the hope that you will use it to go out and find food. In reality your body is physically very sick and needs nourishment. Take care of yourself and your body and please start to eat more now! Whatever you do do not become an ED statistic of how many people this illness kills.
Original Post by scamprages:
Althought I feel deaf is something the answer, I know i actually don't want to die. I am waiting on inpatient treatment--- but it is taking longer than expected. My doctor is freaking out, telling me i am going to die if I don't start eating. I am too scared to eat more before IP. My bmi is like 13.7--- I've seen lower. I don't feel I could die at this stage.. could I? I feel my doctor is being drastic. I don't want to hurt my family.. but I don't feel I am going to die. Am I totally off by this?
May I make suggestion? I would see a psychiatrist on (at least) a weekly basis in order to find the underlying reason as to why you are not eating enough. Theres always a reason as to why we hurt ourselves and sometimes we don't know what it may be until we have some help finding out.
Thanks for all the answers as usual. As usual I still don't feel sick enough, even thought I do feel horrible all the time. I just really get scared sometimes something will happen and my family will blame themselves for not making me go to the hospital or whatever. But no matter what-- thinking about going to residential treatment scares the hell out of me to gain weight before it. The mind is way toooo powerful.
Dansmum: I am not in the the UK. I am in the US. I am having more of the problem with being to sick to go to an residential program---because a lot of them want you not to be in too much danger, so they don't have to worry about that part.
Gemzy: I am sure you are near death as well. All thoughs medical complaints I have as well--and that what freaks out my doctor. I as well have no energy and my bones and joints hurt sooo bad! And also, I do eat as well. I just don't eat as much as I should ( probably about 500 calories a day), but I also exercise too much. I don't think most anorexics don't eat at all--- just not enough. YOU could die! But like you said.. why should I give you advice--when I won't take my own? Good luck!!
Helly-- I've been in recovery for 3 years out of my 10 year illness--and have gone up on calories-- but I always fall back down. Right now I fell hard and am at my lowest and sickest. I know eating makes me feel better.. but I mind won't let me right now-- :(. Stupid ED!
Maf: I see a therapist! I have a treatment team... but it isn't working. That is why I need to go to residential treatment--which I am (hopefully--if everything goes as plan!)
THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE <3
"I am having more of the problem with being to sick to go to an residential program"
Back to your original question/fear. Look at this way if you don't eat and get worse you WON'T get the inpatient treatment you so badly need. You should be afraid of being TOO sick not the other way around. Keep fighting somewhere in there the real scamprages wants to get better.
honestly by looking at your pictures it looks like you could drop dead at any second. you really need to get help.
Really? you call that eating? Thats not even enough for a 1 year old! AND you exercise?!?!?
Please stop the exercise. Pleas eat. I am scared for your life.
You looked amazing at your wedding and when you were a teen.
Original Post by puddykat:
"I am having more of the problem with being to sick to go to an residential program"
Back to your original question/fear. Look at this way if you don't eat and get worse you WON'T get the inpatient treatment you so badly need. You should be afraid of being TOO sick not the other way around. Keep fighting somewhere in there the real scamprages wants to get better.
^^ THIS!!
Also wanted to add about the not feeling ill thing, starvation (and at 500 calories a day with exercise your body is suffering acute starvation) causes the brain to release 'feel good' anaesthetic type chemicals (endorphins, I think) that act as pain killers and, well, generally make you feel good. It's a bit like if you broke your leg, and someone gave you morphine, you might say 'but I don't feel like my leg's broken' - doesn't mean it isn't!! You are very ill, and need help. Being too scared to eat more before IP might end up meaning you aren't well enough to get it at all. Come on, you are strong!! I've seen you fight this before, and I KNOW you can do it now...
Original Post by scamprages:
I am having more of the problem with being to sick to go to an residential program---because a lot of them want you not to be in too much danger, so they don't have to worry about that part.
Helly-- I've been in recovery for 3 years out of my 10 year illness--and have gone up on calories-- but I always fall back down. Right now I fell hard and am at my lowest and sickest. I know eating makes me feel better.. but I mind won't let me right now-- :(. Stupid ED!
Ok so you have done this before - that means that you can do this again and beat this Stupid ED!! As you say the inpatient treatment may not take you as you are too sick - if you carry on the way you are going though on 500 cals and exercise then in a very short time you will be an inpatient - just critically ill in a medical hospital and not a residential ED programme. Please start to eat more and stop the exercise..
