Eating disorder recovery questions?

I've suffered from eating disorders for about 7 months now - from restricting to getting caught in starve/binge and binge/purge cycles then all over again. I killed my metabolism, and I want it back! When I eat 500cal a day, I could lose a pound in 3 days, but now I eat 500cal to maintain my weight.

For starters, how many calories should I eat? I am eating around 1000-1400cal a day. I basically just eat when my body tells me to. Usually I eat a huge breakfast, then snacks like fruits and a smaller lunch and dinner.

I only have time to gym twice a week, each time burning around 800cal.

Also, how much weight will I gain? It's been only a few days of proper eating and I've put on 2 pounds. My bmi is 17.2, and I honestly don't want to gain too much! I look fatter already, and it's scaring me.

Thirdly, how long will it take for my metabolism to recover? Months? Years? O:

Lastly, will I be able to lose all the weight that I will gain eventually? (:

I'm so sorry there are so many questions but any help will be greatly appreciated! It's only been a few days and I've thought of giving up several times, but I WON'TTT!

Right now, I wouldn't worry about how much weight you'll gain. Your BMI is severely underweight. Looking fat? That's just your eating disorder lying to you. You need to gain weight in order to be healthy and to restart your metabolism. I know it's not what you want to hear but it's the truth. You need to eat more than 1400 calories a day (2500 is recomended as a minimum). When I went from underweight to a normal weight I had to consume upwards of 4000 calories a day to maintain my weight (granted I was also exercising with clearance from my doctor) and even now when my body is mostly repaired I can still consume 2000 calories (or more) a day. Your metabolism will come back as you eat more and gain weight and the time it takes varies from person to person.

And yes, once you gain weight you will probably gain over your natural healthy weight at first as your metabolism repairs itself but after your weight will just settle at where it is meant to be without you having to change your diet. That's what happened with me anyway b/c I initially gained to like 135 lbs but then the weight just kinds fell off over a year and I was back at my natural weight of 120 lbs. It takes time but just trust your body.

Also, have you considered seeing a doctor or medical professional? It might be helpful :)

Good luck!

I hear a lot of eating disordered thoughts in your post. Your body is suffering, severely, trying to survive on so much less than it needs. Screw the scale for a while, your body needs this nutrition. Your BMI is far too low, the average healthy BMI for a person is around 20, 18.5 being the absolute bare minimum for small boned people. At 1000-1400cal your body is not getting enough nutrition to support your system best. Your health is severely compromised. You should be eating at least 2500cal with little to no exercise. I know you don't want to gain weight, I understand, but when I finally got to a healthy weight after years of anorexia, my life changed. Your body feels like a wonderland, it's amazing. I was eating 5000cal a day to get to my goal weight, so don't worry about eating too much or gaining too fast, there's no such thing. Get some good nutrition in: cheese, lean meats, veggies, fruits, desserts, milk, eggs, bread, rice, vegetable oil, butter, anything. 

Thank you ravenonsoaringwings and muchlinski so so so much for the advice and support! :D I feel very tempted to be healthy now, though, I have no idea how that's gonna feel like LOL. I'm hoping that (incredulously) every girl I see won't appear to be thinner than me. Though that's pretty hard, since I'm Asian and trust me, girls around here are stickity sticks sticks.

I realize the need to eat more, but I'm having an extremely difficult time doing so. One of the reasons is because I daren't eat more than any of my family members. They are all underweight too :S and don't eat much. I keep seeing what they're eating, counting how many calories they each ate and keeping track of mine to see if I'm overtaking them. If I do, I'd reverse-pschy them into eating more hahaha. Also, I feel very uncomfortable eating in front of others, but my mom is always around and I can feel her 'glare' even if I'm eating in another room, so I end up not eating.

I guess most of my problems are mental, but I really do not have access to any professional help. Heck, I'm not one to open up and no one knows the real me, buried deep within the bulletproof fortress around my inner sanctum. :b 

I feel like someone pumped fat into me today, but I haven't gained any more weight except for the 2 pounds. Still not there yet, seeing that I still feel sleepy all day, even after eating a lot. I'm eating healthily - no confectionery, fast food and junk food, so the calories don't add up to much, but I shall incorporate a yogurt in every now and then. (:

I will remember your words and keep on trying. (: It's been especially hard today and was on the brink of giving up but NO. I'm not good at most things, but I have strong determination. Thank you all again, you have been really really helpful and supportive! (':