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Face deformed/getting uglier


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Yesterday I went to my cousins wedding. Got all dressed up, make up, tan, hair etc thought I looked good until I took a peek at the first photo of the day at 1pm. My face looked so weird, that on top of the fact that my skin looks dreadful and my arms... I feel SOOOO ugly at this weight and yet ed tries so hard to keep pulling me back to the weight I know I look rubbish at. Its like I've a split personality. I was so cold yesterday too (the dress was light and there was a chill in the air also) and just come 8pm all I wanted to do was go home. I felt so unattractive yet normally when im out dressed up I feel good about myself. 

Then after we'd eaten a BIG meal- inc me!! My face seemed to have more colour in it and I looked better.. so weird... I feel like even my nose is too big for my face... I feel like its uglier and uglier I am getting as I TRY SO DESPERATELY to rid myself of ed and get my weight up... is that normal?

 

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Trust me without the make up I look pale and gaunt and thats how I judge myself. Feel like everyday is a battle to get the cals up even though its what I want more than ever. I know I can do this and then I make goals but the goals always start TOMORROW... Why not today eh?! I think Im gonna start them today, I have eaten 1950 cals at 8pm and Im gonna try eat another few hundred before bedtime. What stops me is that I say, Ill weigh in tomorrow and start there, fear that the scales have shifted in the past few days since weighing in (Fri) - I ate A LOT over the weekend! 

Have you considered giving up weighing or having a friend record the numbers while you're blind?  I understand the need to measure progress, but it seems to me that progress is still something that you have to fight with yourself not to fight against.

If you have someone else responsible for the actual numbers who can say that you're progressing in the correct direction then you don't need to know the actual numbers which are probably freaking you out...if that makes any sense?

Ya I live with a good friend and could ask her I suppose. It was such a relief over the weekend I was at home for a wedding at my parents house and got up sat, sun and mon without the scales there waiting to judge me!! I could go get my cup of tea and hit the bed again without saying no, go weigh then tea!! I kinda want to look at the numbers or is that the ed?? I ate a heap of food over the weekend and im curious. I need to be able to do this on my own I think, allow it to go up and be happy about that.

THAT IS WHAT ORLAITH WANTS, ED WANTS IT TO REMAIN STAGNANT!

Original Post by orlaith1985:

Ya I live with a good friend and could ask her I suppose. It was such a relief over the weekend I was at home for a wedding at my parents house and got up sat, sun and mon without the scales there waiting to judge me!! I could go get my cup of tea and hit the bed again without saying no, go weigh then tea!! I kinda want to look at the numbers or is that the ed?? I ate a heap of food over the weekend and im curious. I need to be able to do this on my own I think, allow it to go up and be happy about that.

THAT IS WHAT ORLAITH WANTS, ED WANTS IT TO REMAIN STAGNANT!

Orlaith, not weighing myself is what saved me. Seriously. Have your friend weigh you, and set up rules. Like, if you go under X lbs, she tells you that you are losing too much weight. Have a healthy weight of X lbs.

Sometimes I am so curious as to what I weigh. However, I know personally that if I weighed myself, I would start obsessing again. It's something I have given up forever.

Original Post by claudb89:

Do you ever think you are obsessing about yourself too much? I mean no offense or disrespect, but do you ever think this much negative self-reflection and preoccupation with your face, your body, your (insert something here), is selfish?

Could you ever once be happy that you have a working body that isn't crippled, deformed (like a cleft palate), cancer ridden, filled with pain from cystic fibrosis, starved involuntarily (a homeless child), or dying?

After awhile, while I do understand to a certain degree, I start to become frustrated with you. You aren't the only person who has had body issues whether or not a person has anorexia. You aren't the only person who has a hard time loving herself or feeling happy or feeling comfortable with her face. However, the preoccupation is disastrous to your mental well-being, but it also makes you look too selfish and self-absorbed.

While I may get flamed for this, I hope this clarifies things.

It sounds to me that orlaith has body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). And if this is the case, no, it is not as simple as just being "grateful" to have a functioning body. It won't stop the obsession.

People with BDD see a completely different image in the mirror and in photos of themselves. When I look in the mirror, I see a deformed face. This is very common in people with BDD. I have just learned to avoid mirrors and to not look at photos of myself when I'm having a bad day.

Mental disorders like this aren't an excuse to hate yourself or mope all day. But, you need to find what solution work for you (not weighing yourself, not obsessing in the mirror, etc.). It's never as simple as just "not thinking about it."

While you may want to be able to do this on your own I see from your posts that you are struggling tremendously.  Unless your friend also has disordered eating I think that asking her for help would really help you.

You have the first required step which is the desire to recover, this comes from within you.  There is no shame or failure in asking for or accepting help in this endeavor.  You will succeed because of your desire to become healthier.  Having help in your journey is actually a sign of trust.  If a friend asked this of me I would feel very honored with their trust and grateful that there was something that I could do to help.

This doesn't have to be everyday.  Maybe once a week?  Knowing that the scale will go up be happy about it is good, but I think the actual numbers are screwing around with you.  The reality is that weight fluctuates tremendously for a variety of reason, until they make a scale for those recovering from ED that can do this for you then asking friends for help is a good idea.

Original Post by muttlover:

Original Post by claudb89:

Do you ever think you are obsessing about yourself too much? I mean no offense or disrespect, but do you ever think this much negative self-reflection and preoccupation with your face, your body, your (insert something here), is selfish?

Could you ever once be happy that you have a working body that isn't crippled, deformed (like a cleft palate), cancer ridden, filled with pain from cystic fibrosis, starved involuntarily (a homeless child), or dying?

After awhile, while I do understand to a certain degree, I start to become frustrated with you. You aren't the only person who has had body issues whether or not a person has anorexia. You aren't the only person who has a hard time loving herself or feeling happy or feeling comfortable with her face. However, the preoccupation is disastrous to your mental well-being, but it also makes you look too selfish and self-absorbed.

While I may get flamed for this, I hope this clarifies things.

It sounds to me that orlaith has body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). And if this is the case, no, it is not as simple as just being "grateful" to have a functioning body. It won't stop the obsession.

People with BDD see a completely different image in the mirror and in photos of themselves. When I look in the mirror, I see a deformed face. This is very common in people with BDD. I have just learned to avoid mirrors and to not look at photos of myself when I'm having a bad day.

Mental disorders like this aren't an excuse to hate yourself or mope all day. But, you need to find what solution work for you (not weighing yourself, not obsessing in the mirror, etc.). It's never as simple as just "not thinking about it."

I never thought about BDD- But it makes sense. Some days when I am eating well and lots I believe I also have more energy but that I also look better and the opposite is true when Im having a bad day. Its like I dont always think I have a deformed face or look bad. I find Im continuously looking in the mirror putting myself down re how terrible I look and hence doesnt help with my esteem. Its esp bad in shopping malls MIRRORS EVERYWHERE and I look in each one for approval. My college mates used say I was vain but in earnest it was for approval. I honestly had not thought that I should just avoid them. It was out of habit. 

To muttlover and smw- ya its like a numbers game - the scale that is. The scale is such a bad trigger for me and is DEFINITELY what stops me trying to gain bc I know I have to face it in a few days or whatever. I think it traces necessarily to when I began weightwatchers at the age of 15- even though I had no consent from a doctor she allowed me to join!!! The scale always judged how good/bad I could feel. I am going to ask my housemate or my sister, I think I would prefer my sister as we are SUPER close but the thing is I only see her every 2-3 weeks, would that be ok, that length of time to weigh in? Or should I ask my housemate who could do it weekly?

EDIT: Thank ye both for yer experience and input into helping me. Im around this site a long time and SHOULD be fixed by now. Think people are sick of me and are like "Girl, get ur ass out of here, and get sorted!"

I think every two to three weeks as long as you are eating a recovery meal plan is fine.  If you're having trouble with the 2500+ calories though then you might need the "hey, you're losing, not good" bit from more frequent weigh ins.

Why can't she be grateful that she has a working body? I never said "just stop thinking about it." I did say her negative preoccupation and negative self-reflection were harming her.

You are right, moping and complaining all day does nothing. However, I wanted to point out that I know several people who have physical disabilities some more noticeable than others who don't go around staring/critiquing/languishing about every mental thought or physical reflection. If she actually does suffer from BDD then okay, I still understand to a point. Get help, therapy whatever it is. But after all is said and done, it comes from inside oneself, not from the urging of others.

I see people like her post all the time obsessing about their nose, their stomach, and seriously, I've been in a similar position, however it needs to stop at some point. It's so self-destructing. But like I said, it frustrates me that someone who isn't physically handicapped, crippled, or dying frankly becomes so..well, a bit vain actually.

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings orlaith. You sound like a good person. I just want to wake you up a bit okay? I do hope your mental and physical recovery keeps going. :)

I remember when I first joined this site I saw a post you had written.  Naturally, I went and looked at your pictures.  The first thing I thought was wow, she is unbelievably gorgeous.  I'm sure that so many other thought the same thing and still think the same thing on a daily basis.    

 

We can do this. Have a little faith in yourself.   You are stronger then you know. 

Firstly, I really dont want people to think im vain. I didnt write this post because I wanted to boost my ego by people telling me im gorgeous but if you did, thank you. Please dont think that those were the reasons for the post however.

Claud I have had an ed for TEN YEARS SO PLEASE UR COMMENTS ARE NOT APPREICIATED. If you havent anything nice to say then dont say it on my post thank you very much. You've angered me so much, you dont know who i am or what im like so how dare you call me vain. You dont know my childhood or anything i have been though so your comments are utterly UNWELCOME. You're insulting me.

SMW: Thank you Im gonna ask my friend in the morning. Its late here.

Original Post by claudb89:

Why can't she be grateful that she has a working body? I never said "just stop thinking about it." I did say her negative preoccupation and negative self-reflection were harming her.

You are right, moping and complaining all day does nothing. However, I wanted to point out that I know several people who have physical disabilities some more noticeable than others who don't go around staring/critiquing/languishing about every mental thought or physical reflection. If she actually does suffer from BDD then okay, I still understand to a point. Get help, therapy whatever it is. But after all is said and done, it comes from inside oneself, not from the urging of others.

I see people like her post all the time obsessing about their nose, their stomach, and seriously, I've been in a similar position, however it needs to stop at some point. It's so self-destructing. But like I said, it frustrates me that someone who isn't physically handicapped, crippled, or dying frankly becomes so..well, a bit vain actually.

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings orlaith. You sound like a good person. I just want to wake you up a bit okay? I do hope your mental and physical recovery keeps going. :)

You don't know much about mental disorders, do you? Anorexia is a mental disorder, as well as BDD. You can't just "stop" these. You can work on them and develop different coping mechanisms to make the symptoms less severe. However, no one with anorexia or BDD will ever be completely rid of these thoughts. Ever.

There is a big difference between telling a person to "just stop it" and telling a person different techniques to help cope with the thoughts.

Unless your comments have some helpful solutions besides "stop it," your posts are pretty much a waste of time. Really.

Original Post by muttlover:

Original Post by claudb89:

Why can't she be grateful that she has a working body? I never said "just stop thinking about it." I did say her negative preoccupation and negative self-reflection were harming her.

You are right, moping and complaining all day does nothing. However, I wanted to point out that I know several people who have physical disabilities some more noticeable than others who don't go around staring/critiquing/languishing about every mental thought or physical reflection. If she actually does suffer from BDD then okay, I still understand to a point. Get help, therapy whatever it is. But after all is said and done, it comes from inside oneself, not from the urging of others.

I see people like her post all the time obsessing about their nose, their stomach, and seriously, I've been in a similar position, however it needs to stop at some point. It's so self-destructing. But like I said, it frustrates me that someone who isn't physically handicapped, crippled, or dying frankly becomes so..well, a bit vain actually.

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings orlaith. You sound like a good person. I just want to wake you up a bit okay? I do hope your mental and physical recovery keeps going. :)

You don't know much about mental disorders, do you? Anorexia is a mental disorder, as well as BDD. You can't just "stop" these. You can work on them and develop different coping mechanisms to make the symptoms less severe. However, no one with anorexia or BDD will ever be completely rid of these thoughts. Ever.

There is a big difference between telling a person to "just stop it" and telling a person different techniques to help cope with the thoughts.

Unless your comments have some helpful solutions besides "stop it," your posts are pretty much a waste of time. Really.

 I rank "just stop it" up there with "just eat." Listen, why would anyone choose to be this miserable...I think no on truly would. I think that we all do the best with what we have learned, been taught, and then unlearned. I agree that these thoughts will never go away completely and I am glad that people younger than myself are being told that in therapy. I was told many years ago that I was cured *ta-da* and thought for MANY years that I was even more defective because I didn't feel like I was cured...it does get better (well maybe just my coping methods are better) but it never goes away.

Original Post by orlaith1985:

Firstly, I really dont want people to think im vain. I didnt write this post because I wanted to boost my ego by people telling me im gorgeous but if you did, thank you. Please dont think that those were the reasons for the post however.

Claud I have had an ed for TEN YEARS SO PLEASE UR COMMENTS ARE NOT APPREICIATED. If you havent anything nice to say then dont say it on my post thank you very much. You've angered me so much, you dont know who i am or what im like so how dare you call me vain. You dont know my childhood or anything i have been though so your comments are utterly UNWELCOME. You're insulting me.

SMW: Thank you Im gonna ask my friend in the morning. Its late here.

 I don't understand. I didn't tell you to just stop it. I just think you should put it into perspective sometimes. I've found it helps me; reminding myself that my face could be worse off. Or that I could be like some of my family members who are in wheelchairs or physically disabled. It makes me kinda "get over" myself ya know?

I don't think you are vain. I think sometimes as humans we get so wrapped up in our disorders, obsessing, critiquing, and being so harsh on ourselves that we forget a lot of the good and the things we should be thankful for.

Again, I'll repeat. This all just doesn't "go away." You can't just "stop thinking about it" and everything magically becomes fairyland. You can though put things into perspective, positiveness, and overall courage and strength. I've learned (through many years) that when I just allow the negative thoughts, the overly critical part of myself take over, it's when I'm at my worst, which you seem to be.

I honestly hope you get better. It IS very difficult. It CAN be done, it just takes a lot of true fighting mind and soul.

ET: Again, it isn't a matter of "just stopping it." I'm making that VERY clear. It is a matter of changing ones thought process. Counter acting the positive against the negative mind, ya know? I've also suffered from ED issues (since I was 13) and extremely difficult self-esteem issues. That is what has worked for me as I've matured more, let loose more, and just slowly, month by month, accepted myself. Orlaith, your post seemed to really attack me for even mentioning that you might be "vain." I don't necessarily think you are; I think your ED behaviors, your low self-esteem drive you to be so self-preoccupied. I think if you got better mentally and more self-confidence it would disappear.

Stay postive okay? I think you can really beat this.

ET2: I would like someone to point out where I said "JUST STOP IT." I said, "it needs to stop [the negative thoughts]" I've repeatedly said she (and others who have bad self-esteem) need to change from negative to positive. I would never say that to someone because I too know, it doesn't just STOP.

Original Post by muttlover:

Original Post by claudb89:

Why can't she be grateful that she has a working body? I never said "just stop thinking about it." I did say her negative preoccupation and negative self-reflection were harming her.

You are right, moping and complaining all day does nothing. However, I wanted to point out that I know several people who have physical disabilities some more noticeable than others who don't go around staring/critiquing/languishing about every mental thought or physical reflection. If she actually does suffer from BDD then okay, I still understand to a point. Get help, therapy whatever it is. But after all is said and done, it comes from inside oneself, not from the urging of others.

I see people like her post all the time obsessing about their nose, their stomach, and seriously, I've been in a similar position, however it needs to stop at some point. It's so self-destructing. But like I said, it frustrates me that someone who isn't physically handicapped, crippled, or dying frankly becomes so..well, a bit vain actually.

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings orlaith. You sound like a good person. I just want to wake you up a bit okay? I do hope your mental and physical recovery keeps going. :)

You don't know much about mental disorders, do you? Anorexia is a mental disorder, as well as BDD. You can't just "stop" these. You can work on them and develop different coping mechanisms to make the symptoms less severe. However, no one with anorexia or BDD will ever be completely rid of these thoughts. Ever.

There is a big difference between telling a person to "just stop it" and telling a person different techniques to help cope with the thoughts.

Unless your comments have some helpful solutions besides "stop it," your posts are pretty much a waste of time. Really.

Muttlover, you can see that Claud has never simply said to Orlaith "just stop it", she DOES understand that eating disorders arent as simple as that. She has repeated that several times so there is no need to "educate" her. Might I add that you are assuming Orlaith might have BDD; are you a medically trained professional who can certify and diagnose that she is suffering from BDD? Probably not. I think by making such a generalized diagnosis you are giving her even more unfounded anxiety.

Orlaith, here is the thing. You post on a PUBLIC forum. If you dont want others to comment, you write in a journal. Problem solved. Claud and Muttlover you guys are saying the same thing but in a differnent way; no need for you two to feel offended. Claud is only trying to get you (Orlaith) to think outside of yourself and to appreciate all the GOOD THINGS your body is able to do. It does get frustrating when I see you constantly writing all these negative things about yourself because they are unproven and far from the truth. I think you are scared to beat this ED because, as you said, you've been living like this for 10 years. To be able to experience a world outside of food, calories, and weight is your freedom yet also your unknown. 

The ideas others have given you to help you in your recovery and overcome the scale are great ones. I wish you the best of luck.

ED is the only world I have known for 40% of my life. Its hard to think otherwise. Im not being selfish on purpose. I know I should be grateful for not being in a wheelchair or having a permanent illness but quite frankly my illness has been permanent for 10 years. I appreciate all the comments and I will work through as much as I can with the help of my therapist. Basically my initial query was in regard to my face looking bad, almost hollow which it does sometimes and was wondering if a lack of fat is the cause.

#37  
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I've never had an ED, although I will admit to some negative thinking. I would never imply it is on the same order of what you're suffering. Forgive me if what I'll say sounds stupid.

I'm not going to join the crowd who say, "but you're beautiful!", not because they are wrong, but you are not in a position to believe them. What I'll say is, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter if you are beautiful or not beautiful. You weren't born just to look good to other people. You are not a museum exhibit. You are not here to give pleasure to others.

Other people? It doesn't matter what they look like either. Looks are one of the least important things about a person.

Your legs are not for "looking good", they're for walking, dancing, running... whatever they can do, whatever you would like to do. Eyes: for seeing, observing, communicating, not for passively looking fresh or dewy.

I remember a time in my childhood when it had not occurred to me that I was anything less than perfect, that I was there to please others and not just derive pleasure myself from life.

I sometimes try and make it quiet in my head, shut out the critical voices, other people's comments, and what I *think* other people think of me. I can then hear my own voice among the strangers, happy, confident and content.

linden that was beautifully said; i think for every girl who has ever doubted herself.

I am going to be a little harsh but I mean it for your well being. What is the point of this thread? Is it for people to tell you how you look nice or is it for ideas on how to get past this problem? I think 100 people can tell you that you are pretty or doing the right thing but if you don't believe it then it does not matter. You have to find it within to push through and find who you are outside your looks. What are you good at? What are some goals you have non ed,appearance etc related.

Also why are you not eating 2500 a day? You say you are trying but trying is eating at least 2500 every day or more if you are not gaining,stop other behaviors if you have them,accept getting to a healthy weight,and push through the barriers of comments,your panic,what ever. Are you doing this on a daily basis? If not then you are not trying. Sorry if this is harsh but it is reality. I used to be similar and say I am "trying" but in reality I was playing games.

You have a choice you can spend the next 10 trapped in an ed. You will become more obsessed,have lower self esteem,loose more things plus have health problems. Or you can choose today to push past all this. Get to your set point,stop making excuses,and sit with the hard feelings. Then you will have a chance at a healthier mind,life,and body

^ I completely agree and support linden's and abbi's posts. You keep saying I will eat more, I will stop obsessing, I will gain weight but your actions speak otherwise.

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