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I guess I give up.


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I am going to die of this aren't I??? Theres no way around it. I've officially tried everything.

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no you are not!!!

take control, don't let it defeat you, thats what it wants...you to give in

fight, little by little you will get stronger!!

how many times have you tried everything? infinitely many? if not, then there's room for one more try... if you really want to get better, there's no reason why you can't take some action today, even if you've got a hundred attempted recoveries and subsequent relapses behind you and even if it's always been way too hard not to be ill. look, if you give up, then it's likely that you will die of this -  if i remember you correctly you're that compromised. but if you decide you want to get better and if you get some real life help quickly, there's a good chance that you won't die.

what you want is important. do you want to stay sick? then you'll become more at risk of dying every day. do you have other plans you might like to carry through with in the long term? then maybe making some changes to your diet and behaviours will be worth the pain and anxiety you'll feel emotionally. you don't have to do it all by yourself. you do have to do some if it yourself though, in order not to die - namely, you have to stop yourself from giving up entirely and from resigning yourself to death.

it is possible to get better. it takes courage and a lot of times where you really really want to go back and where you actually think you will go back. but i think you have to act now to get yourself out of danger... you need some help from a doctor right now full stop, but especially if you can't see a way to start making changes on your own. but don't talk yourself out of it before you give it another go, no matter what's happened previously. good luck.

aarfan- thanks a lot for the positive words..I really need that right now, I know you're right, but its just so hard to fight when you always lose... :(

kartoffeln- Thankyou for replying. :) I have no idea how many times I have attempted getting better, but it has been wayyyyyy to many to count. I have seen tons of therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, and dieticians. I have been to a hypmotist, religious groups, OEA groups, Inpatient facilities, IOP facilities, Partial hospitilizations, and tons of regular hospitilizations. My parents have tried everything, I have tried everything. I want SOOOOO much to get better and be happy again, but I keep failing. I find that I puke 60, 70, 80, even 100 or more times a day, and when I dont, I dont eat. I force myself to overexercise like crazy. I have every calorie in the book memorized. I am  5'7" and 70something pounds. I'm only 17, and I've had this for 6 years. I DO try. I'll make it a few days without puking and while eating pretty normally and not overexercising, but the weight comes on fast, or I get stressed about something else, or freak out thinking that I'm going to balloon up or whatever, and I end up messing up, and losing it all..no matter how hard I try. I want someone to help me, but the thing is no one will anymore. My mom gives up, she just cant mentally handle it anymore, same with everyone in our family and her bf. My dad tries still, but he just never understood no matter how hard I try to make him, and apparently never will. My doctor basically gives up on me, he stopped seeing me frequently, and bassically called me stupid (he said even dumb animals know they need to eat). No therapists, psychiatrists, or anyone around here really wants to see me anymore because I have such a history. Everyone basically says I'm a lost case, and I'm going to die and they'd rather try to help someone who really wants to get better. The thing is I really really do. I dont want to die, I want to be happy, and healthy, and live life.  But all i know is I am so unhappy, I hate myself, I hate my life, and my condition, and that just depresses me and makes me second guess myself about the whole not wanting to die thing. But honestly I hate ED. I just dont know what to do, I cant get any support, I dont know how much to eat or exercise or drink or anything, I dont know how to make myself feel better about gaining, or how to reassure myself I'm not going to balloon up, or whether I really will or not. I just am so lost...:( sorry for venting on you lol..and thanks for your reply.

it's no problem at all. you do sound lost and it's good you're writing. it would certainly make it harder to have a positive attitude when everyone around you is not being supportive, but i suppose after years of your illness they're at the end of their rope as much as you are. imagine for a minute though, what if they are actually wrong, and you're not a lost cause? what if you could get yourself better? can you see that as a genuine possibility? like maybe, think about - what things could you do/would you want to do if you weren't caught up in anorexia?

thing is, you are so, so dangerously emaciated that the first priority has to be getting some nutrition. in my experience a large part of the psychological stuff is influenced by the physiological - when you are less severely starved, you will likely be able to think more clearly, even if you still feel totally depressed and convinced that you 'should' be engaging in all the behaviours of your disorder. you're not going to balloon up when you eat - things will get better mentally if you just keep going! but my saying that probably won't make a difference to you. as for exercise - you really shouldn't be doing any. not a good idea, at all. again, not sure if it will make any difference saying that.

are you keeping down anything at the moment? would you be prepared to increase your calories on your own? you'd have to start very slowly, and i feel like it would be very wrong to give any advice because i am 100% unqualified aside from my own experience, but i was not really in the same position. i really think you need to have medical supervision to start recovering at your weight, your body is probably just so damaged right now and even though nutrition is what you need, at the very early stages you might run into problems :/

i don't know how to make you feel better about gaining either - it's hard for everyone, i think. but you're at a frighteningly low weight and if you don't push aside those fears about what gaining will do to your life, you won't ever have any life at all outside of this... you hate your life right now, but if you don't change what you're doing, if you don't start to eat and gradually increasing soon, then that won't change, ever. it'll just keep going and you'll just live in misery the whole time. most of the time, anyway.

i know you have described feelings of depression about your future but please try to believe me when i say that anorexia isn't the only way to live... you might want to die sometimes, but isn't that only because your life is such right now that it doesn't feel worth it, doesn't feel fulfilling in any significant way, and is pretty much full of pain and anxiety? if your life was different, if you changed it, maybe you wouldn't want to die. it's an option. you could make a life for yourself away from this illness, if you want it badly enough. it's up to you... you're not a lost cause though, hope you try to think about that.

I don't know what good my reply is going to be, but here goes nothing.

I'm almost the same age as you. I was 5ft7, 70-something lbs, I had previously tried putting an end to my eating disorder. Doctors and family gave up on me, was absolutely isolated with no friends, I was left alone to rot and die in a hole, even professionals had no clue what to do. But well, I made all of that my turning point. "You're alone and you're going to freaking die. DO SOMETHING, NOW!" And I BLINDLY jumped into recovery; I did it on my own. No docs, no family cheering me on and crap. But that's exactly why now, I'm stronger than ever. And I've left all of that behind me.

Fall down seven times, stand up eight. Trust me, it's a true saying.

Since you feel you have gotten the worst you can ever get, you literally have nothing more to lose...you've already lost everything, don't you hate that feeling? So blindly just DIVE into recovery and you'll only go up.

I don't know you and I don't give up on you! You AREN'T GOING TO DIE FROM THIS! You are stronger than you even know. I agree with suspendue...put everything in to recovery and just focus on that.

I haven't been through what you are going through and I am actually on the other end of the spectrum. But my heart goes out to you and I care. I don't give up on you and I want to see you healthy. The doctor that called you dumb is dumb. He took out his frustration of not knowing the answer on you...get on your knees and pray for strength to whatever higher being that you believe in. I am not a religous freak or anything but I find it helps me when I am at my wits end. Get on your knees and scream..let it all out. Then stand up and say I am going to make it!! Like suspendue said...scream it out and then put everything you have in to getting better.

"Hey. I'm Samantha. I'm 17 years old. I've had anorexia since August of 2005. I really want to get over it, but honestly I'm kind of lost. I just created this account to find friends and support :) I had a big wakeup call on monday, April 11th 2011..I thought I was going to die. It really scared me..I have decided to get better, I had a small slip up, but I am striving to get over this because it may be my only chance :) Aside from my problem
I am a very friendly person. I love being around people, and I love to have fun. I love sports, especially swimming, softball, biking, skating, volleyball, and soccer. I love animals, especially horses, dogs, and dolphins. I love almost all music, it makes me super happy. I love my friends and family, and would do anything for them, especially my mom. She is my savior, and has been here next to me through it all..I couldn't ask for a better mommy. I am very soft hearted, and I don't have the best self esteem, but I am working on that..I don't like to upset people, and I like seeing people happy.
I love to dance, draw, take walks, be outside, and pretty much anything funn.. :)  I love shopping, and I actually really like to clean...haha I can be slighly obsessive about a few things, and i am definately a perfectionist...I am starting college this fall..I plan to get my nursing degree in two years, so i have a good job during the rest of my schooling..and then I plan continue on to medical school and become an anesthesiologist (probably)  :)
I am very ambitious and daring.I love my trampoline...I love funny and super scary movies..I love my dogs angel and bailey. I love to travel, especially to the beach! I am a christian and love Jesus, I believe that I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't prayed so hard to God last monday...I am open to talk to, befriend, and try to help anyone in anyway, soo feel free to message me :) "

 

I could have bolded all of it to be honest.

Look at this. Look at what you've written about yourself. Look at the fighting talk, you want to get over this. You know you do. You want to have a future, and bloody hell, by the looks of how absolutely lovely you sound in this you will have an INCREDIBLE future surrounded by people who love you for your caring, fun-loving attitude towards life

Don't let this beat you. Don't let this become your identity. We are all here to support you, and you are too much of a lovely individual to die to this illness 

No, you are not going to die, because you have too much to live for.

In fact, you've built your recovery targets into your plans for the future. Nursing: You are going to need body strength and stamina for that. Therefore you must be expecting to eat more, continually, to give yourself that strength and stamina. Use that as an incentive to begin to build yourself up - heck, imagine having to lift ME around (at my old weight of around 150 kg) if it helps.

You're a Christian, so you have probably heard sermon after sermon about spiritual battles. Well, fighting an eating disorder IS partially a spiritual battle - you are fighting a voice that tells you off whenever you do what you know what is right. Prayer can help, but you also need to persevere yourself.

You are also overcoming your body which has become accustomed to being underfed, and that may be very challenging. You need to eat, but at the same time your body currently CAN'T eat as much as you need it to for recovery. You need to build up by eating higher calorie foods, in slightly larger portions at first, frequently throughout the day. Yes, you need medical help, because no-one can keep a check on you remotely, and you are so badly undernourished that you are in real medical need. But every little you can do to help yourself is also essential, and we're here to support you in that.

Throw away the scales - they are not helping you - probably nor are any large mirrors. Pick a pair of jeans that are one size too large for you currently, and once a week try them on. When you fit them PROPERLY, put it in your journal as a success, and pick out a pair the next size up as your next target. Don't try to analyse how you are doing in the meantime, it'll only make you start to obsess again.

Exercise - no matter what people tell you at the moment, you are going to keep doing it, until you break the cycle yourself. So, there are rules. Look up how many calories (say) an hour's walking the dogs uses at your body weight, and only allow yourself to do it IF you ate your basal amount of calories (that is at LEAST 1200) PLUS that extra amount of calories (say 250) PLUS at least 20% extra (another 50) the previous day, AND kept it down. No input, then don't allow yourself the output. Use the things you enjoy as a reward for taking in the calories. You wouldn't want to let the dogs down about their walk, would you?

Stick to it, you CAN do it, and everyone here is behind you! Good luck and god bless!

uhm, where the hell are your parents? how do you purge all day with them around? why aren't you in some type of treatment program? it CAN help if you find the right one. Go to a new one you havent been to yet. I actually just got back from a treatment center yesterday.. 

I don't understand how you can be purging so many times a day when you are only 17 and should be at school and living under your parents roof?

Okay...that really wasn't helpful. She explained that her parents are trying. Her mother has given up and her father continues to try but hasn't quite reached her yet.

She is reaching out for help not looking for more negative input or thoughts.

Disregard the negative comments -- you are going to encounter people who don't understand or only think they understand (and those ones are often hrder to deal with than the people who openly admit they don't understand!); I have met numerous folks like that, and does it bring me down? YES! But it gives me a reason to keep fighting this battle (and yes, I believe it is a spiritual one as well!) and get to a point where I can live an AMAZING life, not bound by the chains of my eating disorder.

I firmly believe you will get there, too. Is it hard? Oh my goodness sister, of course it's hard. Recovery sucks (well, it can also be very, very delicious and wonderful, but it IS tough, no doubt). The "middle" part of recovery seems to be the hardest for me, lmost as hard as it was to finally seek help and admit myself to an inpatient program (I'm over 18, so my parents couldn't force me). Once you start though, and surround yourself with some very, very important support people, a big part of you won't want to return to this destructive lifestyle.

I still have my days though, where the disease looks far more appetizing (slight pun intended) than a life of recovery does, but once I actually weigh the pros and cons, I see that choosing life is what I truly want.

You've posted on here, and that shows that you do really, deep down inside where a little part of you is screming out, want to get help and put this all behind you. We'e here for you, and I'll be praying for you.

Message me if you need anything!

#12  
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Once I couldn't stop crying and felt so out of control.

"Why am I crying?" is the only thing I could manage to say.

A voice within me said "Because you WANT to."

I stopped immediately.

You could get a million opinions.

You could have a million success stories.

You could have a million plans.

None of them will matter unless you WANT them to.

Oh my dear, there is absolutely NO need for a young girl to die of this horrible illness. There is always hope, and every day that you still wake up is a day that you can use to fight the beast! Get as much help as you can, as much support as you can, and just KEEP FIGHTING. Surely at your weight and age ther is more help available? If there is any IP facility you can access, your chances of getting accepted are way better under 18, so try to get into one if you can. i know you've tried before, but this is a new chance, and you can make the best of every new opportunity. Hunt out Custardcream and PM her if you can. She is making amazing progress IP.

C'mon Stargirl. never give up!!

*edited to add*

- as to being told by doctors you are going to die, that happened to me too - twice (I am your height, and at 26 was maybe only a few lbs more than you). Interestingly, I am still here, and one doctor died of old age (he was old when I saw him as a 14 year old way back when...), and the other was actually struck off... but little old me is still alive and kicking!! (In my darkest days, one thing that motivated me was proving them wrong!!)

I know 6 years is a long time, but I'm finally kicking this thing after 28... it is NEVER too late.

Original Post by chocolatecoveredpretzels:

uhm, where the hell are your parents? how do you purge all day with them around? why aren't you in some type of treatment program? it CAN help if you find the right one. Go to a new one you havent been to yet. I actually just got back from a treatment center yesterday.. 

I don't understand how you can be purging so many times a day when you are only 17 and should be at school and living under your parents roof?

hey Chocolate, how's things? Good to hear you sounding more positive about life! Hope you are doing better now.

Stargirl is very poorly, and needs our love and support. I guess her Mum and Dad are at a loss what to do next...

Stargirl, don’t give up! You can do this. You may not feel strong enough to do this on your own, but you’ve got One on your side who is. Although some of these have become quite trite, they are still true so I’m sharing them anyway. Claim them and fight this disease with all you’ve got.  And when you feel you’re not strong enough, remember that the One who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world (1 John 4:4).

“I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13 – This includes recovering from a seemingly impossible eating disorder.

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed.” Proverbs 16:3 – This, again, includes recovery. Commit it to Him.

“For nothing is impossible with God.” Luke 1:37– With Him, you can do this. You can!

“How gracious God will be when you cry for help. As soon as He hears, He will answer you.” – Isaiah 30:19. This has been a favorite of mine since truly beginning recovery. Sometimes I become so emotionally and mentally spent all I can do is cry “help”, but the beauty is, He answers that simple plea. There have been times when I thought all was lost and within an hour His peace was already working through me.

And sometimes music just has a way of saying what you need to hear. You may have heard these songs, they may or may not be your style, but I think the words might be something worth hearing if you haven’t listened to these songs before. They’re Mandisa’s “Stronger” and Mathew West’s “Strong Enough”.

Good luck. Remember, you can do this. Don’t give up! Please!

Star, are you still in counseling? Continue doing so...and beg your mother not to give up on you. More importantly, don't give up on yourself!

(((((((STAR)))))))

Thankyou all soo much for your wonderful replies! Ya'll really made me feel loads better! :)

kartoffeln- You are soo kind for giving me such a long reply! I do feel totally lost. I can't stand the fact that everyone has given up on me, but really, like you said I can't blame them, I do deserve it. It just makes it tons harder when people around you are all negative about your situation..Honestly I'm not sure if I can see it as a possibility anymore. I want it more than anything. There are loads of things I want in my life, but if I think about the future I just cant see myself without anorexia_Probably due to the fact that I've had it so long, but Idk, it just seems impossible. Do you really think that it gets better psychologically as you gain weight? I'm really scared that I am just going to feel the same way forever no matter how much better I get physically. Also, are you sure I won't "baloon up"? I seem to gain weight SUPER fast....

No, I am really not keeping anything down. Occasionally I will get an upset stomach at night and have to eat a bit before bed to sleep, but other than that I basically puke up everything, even water...On days I dont puke all I put down there is literally water. So I'm probably not in the best position. I figured I should start slow, I just dont even have any ideas where to start or what to do...I mean I do have ideas, but I dont know if they're right, and I'm a perfectionist/worrywart so I second guess myself and fiure they're not right lol..

suspendue_lahaut-wow you do sound quite similar to me..That is AWESOME that you were able to get better like that...I went through and read some of your threads, and I think that you are amazing and wish I was that brave..Thankyou so much for your kind and encouraging words.. :)

ladeempress- Thankyou tons for your kind words and faith in me! I really don't want to die, and it really helps to know someone has faith in me, even if I don't know you. :)

loopydingdong- OMG> I love it! That was awesome, you are soo kind  thankyou soo much for your support! :)

wordsmithmkuk- Wow, you really do know how to make someone feel better. I wish more than anything that I could just throw out my scales and measuring tapes and mirrors and diet books and everythinggg. It drives me nuts, but I am SOO addicted. And wow 1500 calories sounds like sooooo much right now, I DO need to up it! Thankyou so much for your encouragement! you're an angel:)

chocolatecoveredpretzels- They're divorced. I live with my mom. Like I said, she just can't mentally handle it anymore. Its not that she dosen't love me, she does, with her whole heart, she cries CONTINUOUSLY about me, she has just learned that there isn't much she can do. No I am not in any treatment programs. I am in college, I have my own car, I can get away with purging all that I want when I am out, and yes I am under my moms roof, but she works, plus she has a bf, etc so I am home alone a lot. Actually I am alone all week starting last night, because she and her bf went on vacation.

ladeempress- thankyou for defending me, that was very kind :)

taylorskye-thankyou, I do try to disregard negative comments, its just that there seem to be soooooo many around me nowdays that I cant turn my back on them..I know what you mean by people assuming they understand and bringing you down, I have had my share of that as well! I am soo glad that you are fighting your battle better than me, you will live an AMAZING life, you deserve it. Thankyou for your encouragement, I want to get better soo bad, I am just scared that I am too weak mentally, I am to a point where I am basically ready to give up and die, and I dont want that, but I don't feel much of a fight left in me.:( Lmao_ at the appetizing pun, I like it! And you're right, I do want to put this all behind me most definately!_ Thanks again for your kind words and your prayers, you are very sweet! I will pray for you also:)
bets150_I really like that, I do believe a lot of this is in the mind..Thanks! :)

dansmum99- Everytime I talk to you you inspire me. You are so encouraging, you have no idea! :) I want help and support more than anything, but no one seems to be there anymore. I could probably get more replies from you guys on this than my own familly, and doctors..They just like can't handle it and are lost. There really isn't much available for me anymore. They just don't want me with my history, plus since I am almost 18 now I have to consent to it, and I've had sooo many bad experiences I'm not so sure if I would be ready to do that. It is however very helpful for me to hear about someone who has struggled so much, been in the same boat, and done soo well. I am so glad that you survived because you truly are an amazing person. :)

cupcake45- Thankyou more than you know for your kind words and verses! :) I want to believe God can help me more than anything, I have just tried praying so many times with no avail, so lately I haven't been at all, but you have reinspired me to try it again:)

mjsophia- No, sadly, both my therapist and my psyciatrist dropped me. The only thing I have left is a religious addictions support group and my doctor.. I have begged her, she is just being driven crazy by my ED, and can't handle it, Thankyou though soo much I will try not to! :)

*****hugs to everyone who cared enough to reply, the fact that you actually care helps me in itself:)***

Stargirl, there is so much about your post that worries me - driving at your weight, teh fact that your Mum has gone away on vacation, - but this bit:

There really isn't much available for me anymore. They just don't want me with my history, plus since I am almost 18 now I have to consent to it, and I've had sooo many bad experiences I'm not so sure if I would be ready to do that.

Is the real worry for me. I spent yeasr trying to get help, but what I WANTED was someone else to take responsibility. I wanted to be 'forced' into treatment, so i cuold get better and still say to myself 'see? I'm gaining - but it isn't my fault'. Once I realised that no amount of forcing will help, and came to understand that I, Dansmum99, have to agree to getting better, I started to make real progress. Honey, no-one can make you want this - you need to want it for yourself.

Sorry, in a real rush - PM me anytime!

Hi Star,

OK, let's get you started on your road to recovery. As the cliché goes, "Confucius, he say 'Even the longest journey begins with but one step' ".

You know your calories inside out. Today, I want you to eat at least 100 calories more than yesterday. If that includes cup-a-soups, chocolate chips, a packet of breath mints, a couple of plums, it doesn't matter - what you need right now is calories.

Post what you have eaten extra at the end of the day on your journal page. Then, tomorrow, aim for slightly more, building up gradually. If you manage three days in a row without purging, allow yourself five minutes longer dog walk, or some other treat which doesn't chew up calories. If you are tempted to purge, remember that three day in a row target. Once you reach three days, make the target to reach thenend of day #4 without purging, and so on.

Take it one day at a time. If you have a bad day, so be it - just pick yourself up again and carry on from where you fell. We're here for you, and will support as best we can. Remember - aim high. Ai you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time.

I'm praying for you. God bless.

 

Hey Hun I'm so sorry that you are struggling so much and everything is so hard right now! Just wondering have you ever heard of a place called Mercy Ministries? It is a Christian residential treatment program that works with girls who struggle with life controlling issues such as eating disorders. It doesn't work for everyone as it is a). Not a medical facility and b). You have to be motivated and really want to get better, but it is something that is different to the standard programs (which don't seemed to have worked for you) and it might help. I know some people who have gone through it and come out completely changed, but I also know some who haven't, so I'm not saying it's your answer just that it might be something worth looking into if you havn't already. I totally believe that you can get through this, but it does seem like you need more help than what you are currently receiving. Love Libby xoxo
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