I know I shouldn't have but I did... I purged again... I have no control... but something scared me tonight. My lips and tongue are numb and tingly. I am probably just making something out of nothing but is it something to worry about? It has never happened before (probably the reason I am worrying a little)... has this happened to anyone else??
This sounds like a symptom of hyperventilation. Were you perhaps breathing too quickly or panicking a bit during your purge?
You really need to evaluate your priorities. I know ballet is everything to you but right now you are way too sick to keep it up. One of these days you are going to break a bone landing a jump or your heart will just stop. You won't have a career in ballet if your muscles, bones and heart are all wasted. From your previous posts you're struggling everyday and still trying to keep up the rigours of ballet. I think you know what you need to do. Your ballet career will be a moot point if you're dead. Please speak with your team, be totally honest and get healthy. You deserve to have all your dreams come true and have a happy healthy life but right now you are drowning. You are too beautiful and talented to waste it this way.
I just looked at your picture...It must be such a pleasure to be able to do what so many other people want to but can't. You might of course have a gift for it, but I know very well that nothing that good can be achieved without constant practice. so you have worked so hard to excel at one of the hardest performance arts, that means you're strong as hell. and I'm not just saying that, you know it's true. please search for it and you will find that strength buried inside you. just remember to look for it next time you're about to purge. you'll get there in time.
and a personal note to make you realize what you have and should try hard not to lose...
I have been overweight all my life, so my dreams of being a ballerina were just dreams. but at one point (when I was 20 or smtg) I couldn't help it and bought a pair of pale pink pointe shoes. size 39 :-) they're gracefully sitting in my showcase cabinet, next to other items from my childhood. i sometimes put them on - seated, of course...
please know how privileged you are and don't waste it. come here and look for help before you purge so we can help you.
Thank you all so much. I know I have so much to lose, I know that I'm sick, I know that this all needs to stop but I am so stuck. I can't seem to sway ed thoughts. I have lost myself and the only time I remember who I am is when I am dancing. I am so scared to lose me forever and I feel that if I have to stop ballet I will and then recovery will never happen. My lips are now blue and my body is so heavy I feel like I can't move. I used to not be able to sleep and now I can't wake up my flatmate has to come in a wake me. I have now started lying in my food dairy because I don't want my therapist to take ballet away. What is wrong with me? Why hasn't any of this scared me into getting better. I don't want to die, I don't want to lose my friends and family, I don't want to throw away all the years of work and dedication to the one thing I absolutely love but I don't know how shut this stupid thing up!
So sorry for the vent... I just feel like these forums are the only place I can be honest because everyone around me is so frustrated with me and just keeps saying "you know what you need to do, we will support you but only if you actually show us that you want to change"... I just want to curl up and stay there until this magically goes away... which I of course know won't happen.
Hey Hun =)
You need to get honest with your treatment team NOW!!!! The human body is incredible, but you can only push it so far before it starts to break down, and you have pushed your body to it's ABSOLUTE limit - the next stop is death. You can't muck around any more. You need to start eating enough and you need to do it now, otherwise the next comment you get from these forums will be RIP. Like hacibarnabas said you are a strong, capable, disciplined young woman and you need to take all of that and harness it against the ED. Will it be easy? HECK NO!!! It will quite possibly be the scariest, most anxiety provoking thing of your life, but at this point it's your only option - other than death. Recovery and the freedom that is found through it is AMAZING - and so worth fighting for. To be able to go out with friends and enjoy there company without freaking out over food is awesome. To eat enough so that your body feels, strong, healthy and energetic is great. And to see your personality start to shine again with the heaviness of an ED is fantastic. You need to make a decision what is more important to you life or death? Dance or the ED? and you need to decide now as you are running out of time. I so hope you choose to fight for life and all that it entails (dance, friendships, ect), and I am begging you to start eating enough and to keep it down. But I can't force that on you and it is ultimately your choice. My advice though, is to get mad at the ED for all that it has and is trying to take from you, and whatever it say's just do the complete opposite just to piss it of (excuse my language, but nothing else seemed to express what I wanted to say as well!). The ED is not your friend it is the stealer of your dreams and ultimatly if you let it, your killer! But even now you can turn things around - IF you act NOW! Please do!!!!