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I hide it well but I dont think I can go much further


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I may come across as a happy go lucky sort of girl. Deep down, the "real" me the "me" from my childhood, the "me" before the ed (1-15 years old). That "me" IS a happy go lucky, fun, excitable, witty, sensitive, talented girl.

But that girl has long been lost to anorexia. The anorexia has taken over my life for the last 8 years. It has reeked havoc on my soul, my body, my family, my friends and my life direction.

Too long, too long. Too many ups and downs, rises and falls, crashes and burns. Im exhausted.

I rarely eat well, averaging most days 700/900 calories. I cant do it anymore. I just cant. I would opt out of life, but my family are too important to me, I couldnt do that to them. A tiny part of "me" cares about "me", but I dont see any way out of this.

If this is all there is to my life, I dont want it.

I lead a life, that has responsibility. I dont think anyone really knows what kind of pain I am in. Deep deep pain. In bed at night, I am so happy, sleep, an escape. Each day brings more and more torment.

I come across as a young, vibrant, talented individual, I dress well, I make an effort with my appearance, people say "SHE has issues?? really? she seems so "together"" - if only they knew.

People say to me "everyone has their own issues, lifes not perfect"-yea, i get that, and im not belittling any one elses issues. But other people having issues doesnt make mine any less significant to ME. (and i hate to be uppity, but i doubht anyone i know (bar people ive met in hospital) have issues as horrific).

Hospital isnt as option because i have no insurance cover left.

I dont know what I am looking for with this post. I couldnt write it in my journal, to myself, I had to say it out. Maybe its a cry for help (another one, how many times can i cry, ive done it for 8 years).

This eating disorder has ruined me and has the potential to ruin me forever.

12 Replies (last)

First - have a hug - or ten!

You've got one person who can turn this around - YOU. We can support you, we can nag you, we can encourage you and we can tell you off, but only YOU can do this. So, start where you are, right now.

Start with your stats. Not your "I want the worlds to think these are what I am" stats, but the real ones. Age. Height. Weight. Dependents. Family. Career. Write them all down on a sheet of paper.

That is the REAL you, at THIS point in time.

Look at the stats. Decide which one you are going to change in a POSITIVE way today. You're pretty much limited to one - your weight. And a "positive" change is to increase it.

So, take what you ate yesterday. Decide to do better. Not a stupidly high target, but one step more. Add one item to yesterday's total - and that's an "on top" not an "instead" item. If you are eating around 700-900 calories - then add about 10% as TODAY'S Target. That's a tiny amount more. You CAN do it. That's four cups of tea or coffee during the day, with milk and one sugar - or one pot of yoghurt.

We can support you as much as we can, but only you can pick up that spoon and make that step towards where you WANT to be. That's the task today. Tomorrow is another day. Take tomorrow when tomorrow comes, just handle today.

Oh hun, i totally understand where you are coming from.  I write a blog about my journey in recovery and I can tell you that it is not and has not been pretty, but every day does get a little better.

I echo everything that wordsmithmkuk had to say.

YOU have to decide to want it, and take baby steps to get to a healthier life.

I have never heard anyone say they regretted it once they got rid of anorexia, but the process is definitely difficult.

We are here for support if you need it.

<3 lots of love.

 

Wordsmith: Thank you. I need a hug right now. I cant deny how bad I feel right now. No one has ever said the word "depression" to me. But I think I have it. But noone seems to give me the time of day (Except here) regarding this. I have tried, and tried, and tried etc... to do this, so many times. Its never worked, Ive tried to increase, I honestly have, Ive tried to change, but every.single.time I go back.

Theoretically, I know this time COULD be different and that only I can put the spoon in my mouth and that baby steps starting from now is the way forward. But I just cant seem to do it, any of it, for long enough (whether it be social, college, food-ANYTHING!). Food makes me want to cry.

In fact all I want  to do is cry. I want to crawl up in a ball and cry on my bed and have my mum and dad-SOMEONE who understands to come and comfort me and tell me I am going to be ok and help me eat again. (considering my age, youd think id be past this).

I cant bear to keep information to myself right now. So this is my situation:

23 years old

in college

part time job at weekends

5ft 5

48kg

ed for 8 years

family of 2 sisters, mum and dad

living at home

aim: to work as a market researcherr, have a family and not have an eating disorder

Part of me wants to eat till high heaven (probabaly the starved part) and the rest of me says "no, you cant, youll get huge" and "why bother, you never keep it up".

So. I dont know. I honestly dont. I am so fed up.

cjh002: Ill chek out your blog if theres a link on your profile. i hope you can pull through.

xxx

 

 

 

Dear one,

I have seen the struggle with anorexia in my cousin, and know the fight with depression in my own life.  It is very hard to live with these things when no one else seems to understand.  I am proud of you for reaching out.

I don't have insurance either, but there are often programs to help still.  In this area we have community services that are offered on a sliding scale, and which include psycho-therapy (is that the right word?) Please, PLEASE see what your community offers.  

When I finally faced my depression (life consisted at that point to lying in bed or on the couch all day with no desire to live) they started me on meds and cognitive therapy (learning to work through my depression and learning how to cope with everyday life).  I am truly a new person for it.  I was afraid I would end up in a mental ward, and now I am thankful every day for my life.  I too grew up with wanting to die, but not following through because I didn't want to hurt my family.  I felt like there was a person inside me who wanted to dance and sing, but I couldn't reach her.  Things aren't perfect, but I can dance and sing now. 

There is hope for you, I promise. 

Wow, we sound very similar. My ED also began around the age of 15, although I demonstrated mental signs much earlier. I'm also 23 and just graduated from college, but still living with parents. And I have also done some fieldwork in marketing. I want to get married and have a family too, but I can't do that as long as ED is around. It's almost as if I have been in a relationship with ED for the past several years that I'm not capable of having relationships with anyone else. But I am going to beat ED and you can too! I'm sure you've heard this a billion times, but you won't blow up. A month ago I was eating about 1000-1200 calories a day. I'm now on my fifth day of 2500, more than I've ever eaten. But I've realized if I want to live, there is no choice. You CAN'T give up. You can do this. I would try to increase by about 250 calories every few days until you get to 2500+. I know its scary and you've already been through so much, but keep trying. Throw away the scales. I also can't afford IP and I'm doing this on my own. It is possible. Sometimes I feel like just throwing in the towel and saying I can't do this. But then ED would win and I refuse to let that happen. I also know I couldn't do that to my family. You have an amazing future ahead of you if you can beat ED. Please keep fighting.Smile

Planningtomakeit

I know exactly how you feel, so many times i have felt like opting out of life also. I have anorexia for 20 years and its only in the last 2-3 years that i have managed to break away from it!!!

Depression i think goes hand in hand with Anorexia, i was very depressed throughout my years of struggling with ED but with weight gain,  cognitive therapy and Anorexia having less control over me, the depression has lifted. I now have hope and plan on enjoying the rest of my days.

There IS SO MUCH MORE to life than the demon Anorexia, but you have to decide to really let go of it, the choice is yours, its in your hands, IT IS VERY POSSIBLE. It is hard but no harder than the misery you are feeling and there is no end to that misery. If you truely decide to recover and face all the fears of weight gain, upping calories etc  you will reep plenty of rewards, life happiness and health!! 

You will rediscover that 15 yr old girl you were before, anorexia is soul distroying, dont let it continue to distroy your soul one more day.

Chin up, you have plenty of support here, you are not alone

Sandy xxx

If ever there was a need for a hug-a-gram, it's times like this ...

Depression is all too likely - and that in turn makes everything seem bleaker ... a vicious circle. No easy answer either ... even my usual witty comments don't rise to this occasion :(

EVERYONE: Thankyou.Thankyou for sharing your stories, your troubles and issues and inspirations and hope for getting through tough times. I honestly respect and admire you all, anyone who has been through something like this I have all the time in the world for because YOU all know.  

I can understand that depression comes with anorexia.

I WANT to beat this ed. But I dont think I can.

I seem to get to a certain point in recovery and then slip back. Last recovery attempt I came as far as I ever have and now im slipping riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight back.

Today I was thinking, life stress at the moment (in college) is either a) instigating this relapse or b) not helping it.

Would completing my work make me feel better? But WHY do I turn to anorexia anyway when times get tough.

Oh god, Im so messed up. I just had a fight with my mom about cleaning, CLEANING! she has no clue. I have friends to talk to about this and im being honest with them about how Im feeling.

Theres no point in me saying I feel better now when I dont, or saying that I can eat tomorrow, I still feel like crap, but I DO appreciate your help and honesty and writing this and getting your replies has made me feel less alone and got some "stuff" off my chest. Thankyou.

xxxxx

My heart goes out to you. This was me a year ago (funnily enough when I was also 23, 5"5 etc).  I had been in a tangled web of depression and undereating for 7 years (now 8). Everyone would marvel at how hard I worked, all the activities I did, the support I gave my family, how I was always bouncy. when at school it was "you are so perfect, it is not fair, how do you do it?". But I cried myself to sleep everynight. They did not see the hurt inside. It got to the point I was so desperate for someone to save me from this web.  I wanted a life line. A hug. There was always something stopping me from saying something. I suppose I didn't know what to say! Or if there was really a problem - 'everyone has their own problems' I thought. Only recently have I realised I had been using my body as a visable aid to show that hurt. But it got to the point where I could not go on any longer. I began to talk (to family and everyone on this site). And the more talking I did, the more I self reflected and was able to fight back at those stupid barriers in my mind. Eating more, taking that leap, yeah - its scary. Which is why it helps SO much to have a support network around you for the whole process. The only way to face the fears of (and around) eating more, is to eat more. You can do this out of hospital (I did and have gone from bmi 13) and we can provide you with the ears, advice and support you need to do that. Please, pm me any time you need to let it all out.

Just take it a day at a time - you can't promise any more.

I'm so glad to see you continue to try, continue to open up.  It is so hard when family or friends just don't get it, but you ARE worth every effort.  

Sometimes controlling what you eat is the only way you feel in control.  Maybe you feel overwhelmed by life.  Depression can do that to you, even in the simple things.  If you do feel this way, it's ok.  You don't have to have rational reasons.  You just feel, and that's ok.  

Strongsandy said so many things that hold true, and it will be so freeing for you to find that 15 year old again, and to love her the way she deserved.  I will continue to put you in my prayers, and continue to hope for you.  

dont feel so disheartened!  

anorexia knicks everybody from themself and we transform into different people it's terrible i know.i too have had to wait too long, too many crashes and falls and breakdowns and fits and screams from ED, its horrible but the only thing we can do is fight back. reverse what's being said. and then look at the evidence. 

no no no, do NOT opt oiut of life :O! i hate my life too and contantly think i might as well die, and im pretty ure loads of us do with an ED.

this ISNT all there is to your life. ED takes your life, which is why you need to snatch it back and kick him off. this s why gaining and being mentally and weight restored is SO important for exessive health reasons and to get your life back to what it was. it will happen eventually, something im coming to grips with cus it scares me that i will be the old me even though i miss it sooo much. there are proof from people such as baybeehannahx, metallichloe, summerstar, spiritriser, kaylatron and so on. these all had ED and arequite  recovered and getting their LIFE back. so that means if they were in the same posistions as us once, and recovered, we will too. eventually :) 

its alright that you hide it hun, but you must tell someone. i mean i dont know how old you are but if you are at school , is there not one person, teacher even, that you can express your pain to?

 "everyone has their own issues, lifes not perfect"-yea,i got something like that when i had a physycotic breakdown at school  weeks ago. 'ive got probems too' but the thing is they have problems but not an on-going tug of war with themselves and self-manipulation and other horrors of an ED. they dont understand even if you tell them. so dont take this to heart at all!

okay so hospital's off the list, but what about an IP unit, like an ED specialist unit- where about do you live? your doctor should make a reffferal if you have a doctor.

8 years and time to stop. you will get better, you will get your calories booming up. mail me if you need anything, im always here to talk to and support you through recovery. you CAN do this, we all can. its just terribly difficult.

just remember the password to my blog; edwilldie

its not just a password, it means something.

xxxxxx

 

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