MAke others eat???

Hii there... I´m recovering from anorexia but i do have so many things or rituals to deal with that i feel overwhelmed sometimes. However there´s one of many soooo irational that i was wondering if i´m the one who goes through this as my mom is telling that i´m the only one in the world and of course i feel sooo terrible and i really wish i didn´t feel this need. Ok... this is it: I make others eat a lot! or at least i try, i feel so great when i see it, but at the same time guilty for it when there are quite full, though sometimes they don´t eat and that´s scary!!! i don´t know what to do! i have heard many theories about it, but now i want to know what to do to overcome that situation inside me and if you guys are experiencing the same need of behavior .

Thx a lot! take care...

Well, you are not the only one in the world - cooking, baking and foisting your goodies on others is a classic and very common ED behaviour.     I think it serves two purposes:  you get to "eat" vicariously by watching them eat foods that you are denying yourself, AND you get to feel superior/more disciplined/more "in control" by denying the very food that you're making them eat.   (Or, if you are eating it along with them, then it makes you feel less bad for doing so - the misery-loves-company payoff).     Also, seeing your friends/family eat until they feel stuffed and sick just further feeds your ED-based belief that food makes you feel sick, is harmful/bad.   

The state of being hungry/underweight makes your brain obsess about food, which causes all sorts of food-related behaviours unrelated to eating, i.e. organzing the foods in your cupboard, spending hours looking at foods in the grocery store, reading recipes for foods you'd never dream of ingesting, etc etc.

Once you allow yourself to eat the  foods you want, you won't need to push them on others.    And food in general will become WAY less big of a deal.  

Believe me... 100% normal. I struggle with the exact same thing. And I am so sorry about your non. She just doesnt get it. Anyways sorry to tell you, but the only way i've found to break this habit is just quitting cold turkey. It gives you EXTREME anxiety at first, but eventually your mental state will start to follow your physical actions. Plus just think about it this way: 1. they dont have an ED so they are eating based off of hunger, 2. If you make them eat more now, then they wont be as hungry later, and will eat less, 3. you are totally different people. SO their needs and metabolism could be COMPLETELY different.

I struggle with this, but not with everyone. Just with my brother. He doesnt get it, and gets really mad at me for this. But i've tried my best to try to stop. Another way to help yourself stop is to figure out why you do it. For me its because everyone compares me and my brother, and he wins at alot of things, so I just need to "beat" him at weight. It sounds stupid, but it makes alot more sense in my head. Anyways, enough about me. GOOD LUCK TO YOU! If you need any advice/ support/ ANYTHING, reply or message me

oh my i have this to! i think last night was my biggest realisation of it as well as how incontrol my eating was of me!

my boyfriend came home from a pizza place he works at, he had been on his feet 12 hours solid as a waiter, when he got home i hah what id considered an awful binge (1300 cal ish) (yes i know not a binge but im not in a great place at the moment its more emotional eating i think) anyway, he came home and as usaul i told him how awful i was for eating all of this, then when i asked him what i had he said a small childs pizza all day1 thats it nothing else...by this time it was half past 11 at night and i demanded he had something to eat, threating him with me not eating the next day, he then drove to the local takeaway which happend to be very busy and he turned the car and drove home saying he would just have a big breakfast in the morning. i went crazyyy, throwing his money everywhere that he had asked me to hold and on getting home i burst out crying and just genrally being fowl to him. Yes this was just because he had eating way less than i had that day! What on earth is wrong wih me! this isnt the first occasion this has happend i often ask him to buy something so i can have a bit i take a teennny amount leaving him to eat the rest! no your not alone!!!

Original Post by maryjayne91:

 i demanded he had something to eat, threating him with me not eating the next day.

you need to stop that kind of behaviour straight away or you will lose important people in your life very quickly.

you get better for you - not to manipulate others

oh yeah. this is TOTALLY an ED trait. i find it particularly hard to deal with the fact that i have to eat alot right now, whereas my mum doesnt. So i often try to "make" her eat more too. its cos when she eats more, then i dont feel so bad for eating more.... but its not fair and its not healthy, cos IM the one that needs to gain, not her.

The best way ive found to approach it, is to keep the fact that you are an individual in your mind. what YOU need is never the same as someone else, particulalry if you are suffering from an eating disorder. you are the one trying to get healthy so try focusing on yourself and your health rather than other people.

good luck and remember that you are DEFINITELY not alone on this :-)

I'm so glad I am not alone on this...who else feels they should be the last one to finish and not the first? I hate that

Original Post by hellotheree:

I'm so glad I am not alone on this...who else feels they should be the last one to finish and not the first? I hate that

YES me too! I hate that. I always have to be the last one done for some reason. And when my aunt eats really slow I get annoyed because I feel like she's doing it because she wants to be the last one. Gosh, it sounds ridiculous to even type it out! 

I too like to bake and offer food to others. It drives me insane when the people Im around don't eat/skip meals/claim to not have eaten all day. 

Original Post by hellotheree:

I'm so glad I am not alone on this...who else feels they should be the last one to finish and not the first? I hate that

 I ALWAYS have to start last and finish last! I HATE IT! Also my brother always eats a ton more behind my back, and I think its just to bug me!

The theory as to why the restriction eating disorder spectrum exists in our gene pool is that there are distinct traits that occur that are costly for the anorexic but generally beneficial for the tribe.

Although I am theorizing, I suspect that the fixation on other people eating may have some neurological origins that are more about survivability of the tribe than health of the individual anorexic.

The hyperactivity, calm and emotional blunting in starvation for an anorexic is distinct. Non-ED people feel fatigued, irritable and moody when starving.

The theory other researchers have proposed is that the hyperactivity and emotional blunting enabled an anorexic to forage longer and further for food that would benefit the entire tribe (starving back at camp).

Not too much of a stretch to presume that upon successful foraging the anorexic would insist on having everyone else in the tribe eat first.

So we know from this thread that it is common to focus on others eating as an anorexic and we can surmise that this may even have been preferentially selected for in our gene pool for its benefit to others -- a self-destructive food generosity genotype.

And for everyone who has posted here, the key take away is "self-destructive".

Psychological support to retrain the brain is the best way to address the compulsions around others eating as well as the anxieties around eating for yourself.

We don't want any of you to self-destruct and as you've already discovered, 'the tribe' is not really too keen on responding to your compulsions to have us eat first, eat more and eat as your proxy.

Everyone of your loved ones wants you to be around and healthy.

I kind of feel the same thing, but for me it's a little different. I ONLY have this feeling around my mum, and I think it's mainly because she is underweight as well. 

Original Post by chrystanthem:

I kind of feel the same thing, but for me it's a little different. I ONLY have this feeling around my mum, and I think it's mainly because she is underweight as well. 

 ya for me its ONLY my brother. No one else. I dunno why

if others are eating more and not gaining weight then we feel like we can eat more and be fine, or eat less and be even better.

my husband ate countless desserts that he didn't want trying to satisfy this with me when i was recovering. let me tell you, you're not doing anyone any favors. make yourself stop, that's basically your choice.

Wow, I also thought I was the only one who did this! And like you, Paul, for some reason I really only do it with my brother. Like I'll mention having ice cream after dinner, and if he doesn't get any then I somehow feel like I shouldn't get any. It's actually been better now that I'm trying to gain weight though. Like I've changed my perspective and realized I'm doing this for me and it really has nothing to do with anyone else. It's very freeing! :)

fidget - i know and i do try to stop myself but when im in that state its like im possesed. i used to terrify my family, they didnt know what was wrong with me, and i know have gone on to terrify my boyfriend. try explaining that to the doctors though! they will section me of something.

Original Post by clarinetdawg:

Wow, I also thought I was the only one who did this! And like you, Paul, for some reason I really only do it with my brother. Like I'll mention having ice cream after dinner, and if he doesn't get any then I somehow feel like I shouldn't get any. It's actually been better now that I'm trying to gain weight though. Like I've changed my perspective and realized I'm doing this for me and it really has nothing to do with anyone else. It's very freeing! :)

 Oh okay. For me I would do things like making his lunch and stuff so i could force high cal food on him. Im REALLY trying to stop, but its just so difficult! My brother tries to keep me accountable, but I still try to tell him. But trust me, we get along MUCH better when I am not nagging him

Original Post by clarinetdawg:

Wow, I also thought I was the only one who did this! And like you, Paul, for some reason I really only do it with my brother. Like I'll mention having ice cream after dinner, and if he doesn't get any then I somehow feel like I shouldn't get any. It's actually been better now that I'm trying to gain weight though. Like I've changed my perspective and realized I'm doing this for me and it really has nothing to do with anyone else. It's very freeing! :)

I sooo want to understand this and make it real for me! !! plz!

Omg I used to be exactly the same!  And again it was mainly with my brother, like the more I saw him eat the better I felt about the amount that I'd had.  I always used to compare, say he skipped breakfast and lunch, I'd feel all frustrated about what I was eating and stupid ED thoughts would reappear.  I also felt a sense of perfection like I was in my own little orb or what I at the time called 'health' which came with a sense of smugness about calorie knowledge which others didn't have.  It was a sort of 'I'm far healthier than you' thought when I saw others eating stuff like cheese sandwiches on white bread and other totally normal things while I munched on vegetables and chicken breasts.

However, now that I'm in a much better place mentally, it is never an issue.  I think the less attached to your eating disorder you become, the more you will realise the riduculous nature of these behaviours and how you cannot be accountable for anyone elses eating habits and you don't need to justify your own. 

Yes, what xjennie said is very helpful for anyone struggling with this. And you hit the nail on the head saying it's just "stupid ED thoughts", because honestly other normal people (like our brothers) don't think about it the way we do. They just eat when they're hungry and whatever they want to eat.

Now that I'm focusing on gaining weight, I guess it's different because I'm more distracted by my own journey, and also I think you start to understand hunger better. But hey, when you get annoyed about someone (like our lovely brothers!) not eating much or skipping a meal, just remember that maybe they're slowing down their metabolism. That might make it easier. ;)

Original Post by xjennie:

Omg I used to be exactly the same!  And again it was mainly with my brother, like the more I saw him eat the better I felt about the amount that I'd had.  I always used to compare, say he skipped breakfast and lunch, I'd feel all frustrated about what I was eating and stupid ED thoughts would reappear.  I also felt a sense of perfection like I was in my own little orb or what I at the time called 'health' which came with a sense of smugness about calorie knowledge which others didn't have.  It was a sort of 'I'm far healthier than you' thought when I saw others eating stuff like cheese sandwiches on white bread and other totally normal things while I munched on vegetables and chicken breasts.

However, now that I'm in a much better place mentally, it is never an issue.  I think the less attached to your eating disorder you become, the more you will realise the riduculous nature of these behaviours and how you cannot be accountable for anyone elses eating habits and you don't need to justify your own. 

God, now I don't feel as terrible. I've reached my goal weight but I'm still in the process of recovering from my ED...mentally. And I do the same thing to my brother. Sometimes he'll skip his breakfast and dinner because he isn't 'hungry' and I'll scream and throw a tantrum. I'll force him to eat a lot and I rationalize it by thinking that 'he's sooo thin, he needs the calories'. It's awful and I feel awful after I do that....but I can't help it. I get into huge arguments with him about his eating habits and when ever he eats more than me I feel happy. And he's only 9. I like eating less than him and I like watching him eat. I know I have to stop this behavior...it's self-destructive and I don't want to end up miserable and alone because of my food issues. 

I definately do this now...my BF is skinny (well not really he looks skinny but has like a 20 BMI or something like that)

Whenever he's at my place he doesn't like my food so he wont eat, or he just wont be hungry or will "forget" to eat

i wish i could fing forget about eating..! 

it of course makes me feel like i am a gluttonous pig so i'll call him anorexic or an **** and all this

which leads him to saying fine i'll eat this and that and then i tell him no because the thought of him eating to gorge himself makes me as pissed as the thought of him not

i am esp bad when i'm stressed about other things like college work or other things i need to get done

or on days like today when i haven't exercised all week and feel like a complete piece of ****.

it usually ends in a screaming fest with me sending his sorry a** home.

the end.