Health & Support
Moderators: nycgirl, autopilotfrank193, bierorama, ksylvan, peaches0405


Mom makes me cringe


Quote  |  Reply

Hi everyone

 

I think I really just need to vent or get some advice, because my mom's been driving me crazy. I am 15 years old, had a previous ED, but am now weight restored and eating pretty normally. I obviously still fight some ED voices in my head, but I've been getting good at ignoring them. 

So my problem? My mom. She thinks I'm fat, and I know that. She tells me I need to lose weight, but I am healthy... not stick thin, which she thinks is pretty. I think my mom was one of the big reasons I developed my ED: she gave me diet pills when I was younger and was constantly the voice that told me to eat less. She always talks about getting skinnier and says things like, "The food I cooked wasn't good today, I just won't eat then, I'm too fat anyways." I'm sometimes nervous to buy food with her, because she sometimes refuses to let me get what I want, especially if it's carbs. 

So, a moment ago, I decided I needed to write this because I asked my mom if she wanted me to make some extra grilled veggies for her when I make dinner for myself tonight. She told me she didn't want any because she doesn't want dinner and acted surprise saying, "YOU'RE going to have dinner? You shouldn't since you had so much for lunch!"

This completely bothered me because:

1. I'm hungry

2. She's calling me fat and telling me I eat too much

3. I didn't eat a lot at all. All I had today was: 

B: Greek Yogurt and some almond milk with 1/2 scoop whey protein

L: Small salad w/ ginger dressing, 1 1/3 cup of pasta (estimate), and a boiled egg

She's knows I used to have an ED but she doesn't take it seriously. She never has and she's not the kind of person to listen to anyone else. She always thinks she's right and it's useless to change that. I've tried. 

 

Sigh. Thanks for listening. Any advice or thoughts are very welcome. 

9 Replies (last)

Shinn---

You are right and your mother is FLAT OUT WRONG!!!  Keep doing what you are doing--- logging your foods, etc.  Go for the "green" on the food analysis with CC.  I know it's tough when you are 15 and living at home, but you are just going to have to block your mom out of your head when it comes to your diet and your weight.  Remember that this is her problem, not yours.  She is being irrational, and she isn't seeing reality.  It sounds like your mom has a real problem--- it's no wonder that you've developed an ED.

By the way, I'm not trying to "demonize" your mom or say that she is a bad person.  I just want you to have confidence that you are correct on this one.  It's hard sometimes to see our parents as "flawed" people, just like everyone else.  They do their best but nobody's perfect.  I'm 31 and it's still difficult to discern when to listen to my parents and when not to, but there are definitely times when they are wrong about things.  Sometimes, I just have to listen to myself and trust that I'm right.  It's easier when you are older and you move out.  :-) 

Anyway--- please take care of yourself.  Nobody should ever take diet pills, especially not a growing young woman!  All we need to do is eat a balanced diet and get some exercises every now and then.  You are doing great!!!

Best of luck,

KLou80

Original Post by shinnn:

Sigh. Thanks for listening. Any advice or thoughts are very welcome. 

My mother acts in quite a similar matter, and although I know a lot of what she says are things said without thinking, it really hurts.  It was her comments that acted as the catalyst towards me developing bulimia when I was younger and the current swing between bingeing and anorexia.

Talking with her did nothing, so one day I decided to fight fire with fire and when she remarked at how fat she was/"oh I shoudn't eat that" I just retorted "No, you probably shouldn't" and agreed with her other comments.  When she looked back at me, quite upset, I just said "Hurts doesn't it?  That's what you've been doing to me for the past two years"

Since then I haven't heard much on the topic of weightloss/food intake or anything like that.

Am I a ****?  Maybe.  
Am I happier for finally standing up for myself?  Hell yes.

Sounds to me like your mother might have an eating disorder herself...

So sorry to hear that! When i was 13, i lost 20 lbs in 3 weeks. When i told my mom, she was proud, saying"good job!" .. completely ignoring the fact that i was depressed and needed help. Luckily my dad had custody of me and i lived with him most of my childhood, so she wasnt the loudest voice i heard. My sisters have issues still though. My mom would tell me to suck in my stomach, or hold it in, you know... in 5 th grade. I am so so sorry you have to deal with that. Stick to CC and just know that you'll be much happier than she ever will if you accept and love yourself.

If'n it makes you feel better -- my I'm 51 and my mom still says the same stuff.  Now, I am 6 inches taller and have about 30lb of muscle more than her (it has been this way as long as I can remember) -- so yeah, I'm gonna want to eat a whole lot more than she does.

I don't have an ED per se -- most of my poor eating habits can be traced back to her -- but my eatin' ain't always right.  When I was your age, I did all kinds of disordered eating things, mostly just to get her off my back.  I struggle with some of it still.

Now, I told you all that junk to tell you this -- Brava to you for recognizing this at age 15 -- most wouldn't.  You could sit her down and read her your post -- that would be a start, particularly the last couple of paragraphs.

You could do what sulpfyr suggested -- or at least turn it around and remind your mother that you and her are completely different persons with different metabolisms and different personalities. But I actually quite like the idea of you agreeing with her FOR her -- not for you -- make her understand how hurtful her comments are.

Regardless, stand strong -- you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, stick to it. 

I'm 53 , diabetic,5-9 276 obese, , i look at my father, same body style, same disease, We all have a gene pool from our parents. my son is taller over 6ft, about 240. I talk to him about my weight problems and disease. Tell him he needs to watch for the warning signs. be checked. so that he might be able to control his possible future problems that genetics play in our lives. On the other hand. my daughter, cheerleader, gymnastics, ect. just finished college , married, and 5-6 weighs about 120 now. She has more of her moms genes.  She is now 23, I have watched her grow from a little child, to a Woman. There has been times where she has been in my opinion thin, others she had a little more meat on her.  That is part of the life cycle.  Your 15 , your changing into a woman. That's hard on parents to accept that my little girl, my baby is growing up. My son was so thin when he was little that i went to the doc and asked him about it. Told him he doesn't stop long enough to eat anything. he looked like a stick with big feet. lol  He told me "Don't worry, when he gets hungry he will eat." he is healthy. Enjoy your life, embrace the changes it brings as you mature. Moms are Moms, Dads are Dads, we just want our baby's happy, healthy, and safe. Now my new lifestyle is being a Grandpa! Have a little grandson 3, and a new one on the way. (don't know what it is yet). I need to practice up on the Grandpa type advise, lol

Have a great day. bty I love your smoothie ideas.  I'm going to try some of them to get my fruits in.    

My mom still gets after me all the time. I just smile, hug her, tell her I love her.

 

Hi Shinnn, I'm sorry to hear that! I know how you feel, I overcame an ED and still occasional skip a day of eating and just can’t help it. I’m 25 and was about your age when I started an ED. My mom has always told me not to let myself get fat and still to this day asks me if I’m actually hungry when I get something to eat. She always points out how skinny I could be if I “just don’t eat that”. You can’t let it get to you, parents aren’t always right. I’m a bit of a momma’s girl and I often fight with myself not to listen and it’s not always easy. If ever you need an ear feel free to message me.

#8  
Quote  |  Reply

Hi Shinnn,

You are certainly not alone! My mum is eating disordered and body dysmorphic and has projected alot of her anxieties onto me. Even as a 30 year old her comments still really affect me. I recently spent a year back at home whilst saving up for a wedding and she was back in full force with commenting on my weight and eating habits, I felt like I was a teenager again!

Stay strong. You have shown admirable courage in recovering from an eating disorder in such an unsupportive environment. Your mum is plain wrong in the things she is saying to you, she clearly has eating/body issues of her own. It is really important that you follow good nutrition and a healthy lifestyle, particularly in your teen years whilst your body is still growing and developing.

It's very difficult to correct one's own parent (I've given up with mine!) and this can put you in a very frustrating position. You can always vent on here where so many people understand where you are coming from.

Love Suzi xx

Hi Shinn,

I have 3 daughters, including twins about your age.  Your post really hit home with me.  Every mom (and dads, too) should read what you wrote.  We parents often don't realize how our comments might affect our children.  So often we think we are just giving good advice based on what we believe to be correct.  But from the young person's side, it can easily come across as judgmental and nagging.  I try to watch that, but my girls are usually ready to tell me when I mess up! Foot in mouth

It sounds like you have done a great job figuring out a lot of important things for yourself.  You know what you need to do to stay healthy, and you are trying to do that.  Good for you for not skipping meals, and making your own healthy foods (grilled veggies!).  

Your body is still growing, and proper nutrition is critical to your good health for the rest of your life.  Are you getting the information you need in regards to your nutrition and calories here on CC?  If not, is there someone else you could ask?  Maybe your school nurse (nurses usually know a lot about nutrition), or your doctor? Your community probably has a public health office and there will be nurses, and possibly dietitians, there who could answer your questions and offer you some support.  They might even be able to suggest a support group of teens in your community who are dealing with similar issues. Having somebody you trust close by might help counter the negative messages you are trying to deal with. 

You should be proud of yourself for taking charge of your own health in such a positive way.  Keep listening to your own good sense and you will be fine! 

9 Replies
Advertisement
Advertisement
Allergy Remedies
Is It Possible to Go Natural?
The side effects of allergy medications keep some people from using them. Natural remedies can be a great alternative, but some are more effective than others.