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Never had an ED but I'm starting to have disturbing thoughts...


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Ok... lets start with my stats. I'm 22 years old, 5'4" 125 pounds. Since I started on calorie count I have lost 20 pounds. 125 pounds was my goal weight. However I have noticed that lately I have been having disturbing thoughts in regards to my body and eating. I tell myself I am fat constantly in my head. I know I sound nuts right?When I look in the mirror I see a fat person. I thought being 125 would make me happy. But I find  that I am actually disgusted with the way I look. I have no idea why I feel this way about myself. This kind of thinking just started a few weeks ago.

I have never had an eating disorder.  I was 120 pounds in high school and I always thought I looked great. Why do I see myself as fat now? I know my BMI is healthy but I want to lose 15 more pounds at least if not 20.  I haven't told this to anyone. I sort of tried to mention it to my mom and she just kept telling me I was thin enough. I don't feel that way.

I don't need to hear how crazy I'm sounding. I'm completely aware of it.

I still eat 1200 a day at least sometimes 1300 but I find myself being ashamed the more I eat. I'm disgusted with myself when I eat even a little over my limit and I'm shocked and sickened by how much people that don't diet consume daily. Just thinking about the fact that everything I put into my mouth adds onto my body. It makes me sick...

Please don't judge me or think I am weird. I came here hoping to see if anyone else has ever felt the way I have been feeling. Because I really can't believe I feel this way. This post isn't for attention or vanity purposes. It's just me telling you how I feel.

What's the matter with me? Should I be concerned?

 Be nice please.

22 Replies (last)

The great thing is that you realise that your thoughts aren't quite right, you are a healthy BMI and probably look fantastic and these thoughts could could be the start of an ED, especially the fat that you see yourself as fat in the mirror when you obviously aren't.

I would suggest talking to your doctor or nurse or school counseller as better to talk to someone and have them tell you that you are fine rather than missing a possible early sign of something dangerous and just ignoring it.

Deal with it now before it becomes really compulsive and you start doing silly things like restricting your food too much.

At 125 you are a fantastic healthy weight and if you lose another 20 pounds, chances are that you are going to lose your lovely female shape, start feeling less fit and healthy and still not be satisfied.

Talk to someone, probably not your mum initially and get some professional advice.

Thanks for the advice! I think a lot of it may be that I have never looked quite the same since I had my son. I should have mentioned that at the top I guess. But since my pregnancy I haven't felt comfortable in my own body and I'm just surprised that losing 20 pounds didn't make me feel comfortable again like I thought it would.

I went through the same thing you did..same exact negative thoughts and guilt over eating and upsetment over my body. I don't know what happened, but it lasted about a month. Now I'm back to eating tons of food, lol. Hopefully this will pass for you, too. I don't really know how I got out of that disordered eating mindset, but I wish I could give you better advice! I guess just the fact that you're aware that this could turn into a problem is probably a very good thing.

I still do have "fat" days and I still want to lose more weight, but I'm trying to do it healthily. I, too, am in a healthy BMI range - 5'6" 130lbs - but I want to get down to 125lbs and possibly even 120lbs. I don't think it's a big deal to aim for a lower BMI as long as you realize that you're not fat at your current weight and that you need to lose weight slowly.

anyway, congrats on your weight loss!!! hang in there :)
Original Post by jcl76:

I don't think it's a big deal to aim for a lower BMI as long as you realize that you're not fat at your current weight and that you need to lose weight slowly.

 I agree with pp statement.  I am 28, 5'3", 115lbs.  My original goal was 120 but like you, I wasn't happy with my body still when I hit that.  I had my second child a year ago and even though I lost all the baby weight and then some, I have those same thoughts about my body and all its flaws.  I wasn't even this low in high school and college and yet I'm less confident now then I was then.  It's totally from kids, I can't bear my midriff because of the loose skin and stretchmarks.

I have the same thoughts as you and constantly contradict myself (I am fat and need to workout more...no, I look great and am healthier than I've ever been!)  I will eat a little over maintenance and go do some squats in the bathroom at work just to try to burn it back off.  I have been at 115 for almost 2 months now but I still think about losing more because like you, I am just not satisfied with my body image.  I did realize that my image is definitely distorted.  I just recently had to give measurements for a bridesmaid dress and when she told me I was ordering the same dress size as two girls that I THOUGHT were WAY tinier than me I realized that I am tiny too, I just don't appear that way to myself.

Just wanted to say that I too have those feelings (and then tell myself I'm a lunatic for feeling that way) but as long as you don't let it become ED behaviors-starving, bingeing etc.  I think it is ok.  Just keep working on giving yourself a more positive image...I know that's what I need to do too!

it sounds like you need to see how fun eating can be and how eating alot isnt necessarily going to make you fat. i'm sure you're aware of that, but unconciously you still think that you need to eat less and lost weight.

how about you try not counting calories for a while, and just watch your portions and servings instead? like say that you're going to get about 5-7 servings of grains or carby stuff in a day, so something like : 1 serving cereal, 2 slices bread, 1 serving crackers, 1 serving pasta/rice. and then say 3 servings of protein-y stuff, for example: 1 egg, 1 tbsp peanut butter, 1 serving chicken/meat/tofu/fish. and then 3 servings dairy, like: 1 cup yogurt, 1 cup milk, 1 serving cheese. and then 3 fruit, 3 veggies, etc etc. when it comes to planning things like what to mix together, it can be exciting to try new things, getting the negative thoughts out of your head maybe?

or maybe you can try organizing fun events with friends with healthy food around, so that you can put the food and the fun together. like a movie night, with lots of healthy snacks. if you manage to eat well and have fun without getting upset about how much you eat or what you eat, then its a plus.

I have heard many stories from others that have had either eating issues, depression, feeling down on themselves after having a child, etc. So many people have cured these feelings with the right diet + exercise. Do you exercise regularly? Exercising naturally releases endorphines and gives you more energy. It boosts your spirits and makes you feel good all around. Definitely try watching your portion sizes. That helps avoid overeating and keeps the calories under control on it's own. Also think of what you enjoy doing most that involves exercise and find a workout that works for you. For example, I get bored with doing the same workotu every day. I enjoy running and whatnot but it bores me after so long. I discovered P90X which gives me a different workout every day and keeps me coming back for more. Find what works for you and makes you want to stick to it. Take a look at my profile for more info or feel free to email me for tips, motivation or any questions.

***unrelated***

your son is a-dor-able!

I think sometimes we can be a little too hard on ourselves and not cut ourselves "slack" when we need to - I know I can! I also think the nutritional awareness we receive from a site like this is wonderful, but it can also be really detrimental to our enjoyment of life because we know what's in a serving of chips, 1/2 cup of ice cream, etc. and we can obsess over it (it's happened to me!)

Two things have really helped me:

First, whenever you find yourself being judgemental about how much you are eating (you are really not eating that much if you are having 1200-1300 cals) remember that food is fuel for your body - it simply is there to make it possible for you to do the things you enjoy doing.  For me, making food less of an emotional thing and turning it into something more "mechanical" has helped tremendously. 

Second, I have also struggled with body image issues - and I have always  been active and involved in sports.  Believe me, I understand feeling "disgusted" with yourself - and I was never overweight!!  My poor body image stems from the environment in which I grew up.  Something that has really helped me improve upon it is, for every negative thought that crosses my mind, I try to find something positive to say about myself.  Point out the things you like about your body, and appearance - I am sure there is something!  Praise that, and remember it when you are being self-critical.  

I think trying to improve on yourself is great, seeking to look better, etc., but don't beat yourself up.  Remember all the people that love you for who you are - inside and out - there HAS to be something there, right???  Your body is a beautiful, wonderful machine that needs taking care of.  If you don't do it, NOBODY else will!!! 

For me there was a time when frequent visits to the forums and reading many ED sufferer posts definitely lead to developing some unhealthy thoughts.

I just snapped back to my senses, stayed away from them for a while, and now everything is just like it was before.

No idea if it will work for you, but you might want to try it anyway. It might be affecting you even if you are not aware on a conscious level.

i always feel this way too. im 5'6 and weigh about 150 lbs. for the past 2 weeks ive been on a strict diet, but im soo scared ill back track. the more weight i loose, the bigger i think i am. idk if this is normal..

Original Post by jcl76:

I went through the same thing you did..same exact negative thoughts and guilt over eating and upsetment over my body. I don't know what happened, but it lasted about a month. Now I'm back to eating tons of food, lol. Hopefully this will pass for you, too. I don't really know how I got out of that disordered eating mindset, but I wish I could give you better advice! I guess just the fact that you're aware that this could turn into a problem is probably a very good thing.

I still do have "fat" days and I still want to lose more weight, but I'm trying to do it healthily. I, too, am in a healthy BMI range - 5'6" 130lbs - but I want to get down to 125lbs and possibly even 120lbs. I don't think it's a big deal to aim for a lower BMI as long as you realize that you're not fat at your current weight and that you need to lose weight slowly.

anyway, congrats on your weight loss!!! hang in there :)

 Thanks! yeah right now I am shooting to be about 117 though my wish is to get to 110. I don't know if my body will let me get that far but the site says that I would still be at a healthy weight at 110. I haven't lost anything this week and I think it was due to over eating and that makes me feel bad. I knew I shouldn't have weighed myself today.  I guess I should be grateful I stayed the same and didn't gain.

Original Post by ang6181:

Original Post by jcl76:

I don't think it's a big deal to aim for a lower BMI as long as you realize that you're not fat at your current weight and that you need to lose weight slowly.

 I agree with pp statement.  I am 28, 5'3", 115lbs.  My original goal was 120 but like you, I wasn't happy with my body still when I hit that.  I had my second child a year ago and even though I lost all the baby weight and then some, I have those same thoughts about my body and all its flaws.  I wasn't even this low in high school and college and yet I'm less confident now then I was then.  It's totally from kids, I can't bear my midriff because of the loose skin and stretchmarks.

I have the same thoughts as you and constantly contradict myself (I am fat and need to workout more...no, I look great and am healthier than I've ever been!)  I will eat a little over maintenance and go do some squats in the bathroom at work just to try to burn it back off.  I have been at 115 for almost 2 months now but I still think about losing more because like you, I am just not satisfied with my body image.  I did realize that my image is definitely distorted.  I just recently had to give measurements for a bridesmaid dress and when she told me I was ordering the same dress size as two girls that I THOUGHT were WAY tinier than me I realized that I am tiny too, I just don't appear that way to myself.

Just wanted to say that I too have those feelings (and then tell myself I'm a lunatic for feeling that way) but as long as you don't let it become ED behaviors-starving, bingeing etc.  I think it is ok.  Just keep working on giving yourself a more positive image...I know that's what I need to do too!

 Your thoughts sound pretty much identical to mine. I will go back and forth between loving the way I look and hating the way I look. And I haven't just lost my baby weight. I lost my baby weight plus15 pounds and I'm still not happy. some days I will feel good about myself. Like when I go to walmart and see everyone else walking around I compare my body to others and I feel small. (I know that sounds mean but I can't help it) But when it's just me in front of a mirror I hate what I see. thanks for the advice!

Original Post by sk33ny:

it sounds like you need to see how fun eating can be and how eating alot isnt necessarily going to make you fat. i'm sure you're aware of that, but unconciously you still think that you need to eat less and lost weight.

how about you try not counting calories for a while, and just watch your portions and servings instead? like say that you're going to get about 5-7 servings of grains or carby stuff in a day, so something like : 1 serving cereal, 2 slices bread, 1 serving crackers, 1 serving pasta/rice. and then say 3 servings of protein-y stuff, for example: 1 egg, 1 tbsp peanut butter, 1 serving chicken/meat/tofu/fish. and then 3 servings dairy, like: 1 cup yogurt, 1 cup milk, 1 serving cheese. and then 3 fruit, 3 veggies, etc etc. when it comes to planning things like what to mix together, it can be exciting to try new things, getting the negative thoughts out of your head maybe?

or maybe you can try organizing fun events with friends with healthy food around, so that you can put the food and the fun together. like a movie night, with lots of healthy snacks. if you manage to eat well and have fun without getting upset about how much you eat or what you eat, then its a plus.

 I really don't think I can stop counting without feeling horrible about myself. I do have a cheat day every week where I can't keep track like when people invite me over to dinner. That's unavoidable in my family. Next week is the 4th of July and I'll probably gain. Anyway thanks for the advice I really just don't think I can stop. :(

Original Post by jessle830:

I have heard many stories from others that have had either eating issues, depression, feeling down on themselves after having a child, etc. So many people have cured these feelings with the right diet + exercise. Do you exercise regularly? Exercising naturally releases endorphines and gives you more energy. It boosts your spirits and makes you feel good all around. Definitely try watching your portion sizes. That helps avoid overeating and keeps the calories under control on it's own. Also think of what you enjoy doing most that involves exercise and find a workout that works for you. For example, I get bored with doing the same workotu every day. I enjoy running and whatnot but it bores me after so long. I discovered P90X which gives me a different workout every day and keeps me coming back for more. Find what works for you and makes you want to stick to it. Take a look at my profile for more info or feel free to email me for tips, motivation or any questions.

 Yeah I do exercise. I dance sometimes. I hula hoop and I run. I don't think that's it. But thanks for the support!

Original Post by htracey:

***unrelated***

your son is a-dor-able!

 Thank you! I think so too! :)

Original Post by cc31:

I think sometimes we can be a little too hard on ourselves and not cut ourselves "slack" when we need to - I know I can! I also think the nutritional awareness we receive from a site like this is wonderful, but it can also be really detrimental to our enjoyment of life because we know what's in a serving of chips, 1/2 cup of ice cream, etc. and we can obsess over it (it's happened to me!)

Two things have really helped me:

First, whenever you find yourself being judgemental about how much you are eating (you are really not eating that much if you are having 1200-1300 cals) remember that food is fuel for your body - it simply is there to make it possible for you to do the things you enjoy doing.  For me, making food less of an emotional thing and turning it into something more "mechanical" has helped tremendously. 

Second, I have also struggled with body image issues - and I have always  been active and involved in sports.  Believe me, I understand feeling "disgusted" with yourself - and I was never overweight!!  My poor body image stems from the environment in which I grew up.  Something that has really helped me improve upon it is, for every negative thought that crosses my mind, I try to find something positive to say about myself.  Point out the things you like about your body, and appearance - I am sure there is something!  Praise that, and remember it when you are being self-critical.  

I think trying to improve on yourself is great, seeking to look better, etc., but don't beat yourself up.  Remember all the people that love you for who you are - inside and out - there HAS to be something there, right???  Your body is a beautiful, wonderful machine that needs taking care of.  If you don't do it, NOBODY else will!!! 

 Thanks for the advice. I'll try to be less critical.

Original Post by ily51:

For me there was a time when frequent visits to the forums and reading many ED sufferer posts definitely lead to developing some unhealthy thoughts.

I just snapped back to my senses, stayed away from them for a while, and now everything is just like it was before.

No idea if it will work for you, but you might want to try it anyway. It might be affecting you even if you are not aware on a conscious level.

 Thanks for the advice but I actually have never read any of the ed posts. I actually just came here to the health and support posts for the first time because of the way I started feeling.

Original Post by kendeisha:

i always feel this way too. im 5'6 and weigh about 150 lbs. for the past 2 weeks ive been on a strict diet, but im soo scared ill back track. the more weight i loose, the bigger i think i am. idk if this is normal..

 Well I can only tell you  that I feel like that too so you are not alone.

Original Post by htracey:

***unrelated***

your son is a-dor-able!

 yes this.

& he loves the way you look!

Okay... finally some people who share similar concerns!

I too had a baby - 17 months ago now. 

Now, I am actually 9 pounds lighter than I was before I had her, and at 131 (5"7) I'm one pound away from my goal weight. This however, feels  bitter sweet, as I'm still not happy with the way I look - especially my belly and love handles. So, I've decided to try to lose another 4-5 pounds to get to 126 and then re-evaluate.

For me, I think lack of exercise (not counting running around all day after a busy toddler) may be why I don't look as good. But obviously having a baby changes the appearance of your body. I actually have smaller arms and thighs then before, and hey I've gained some boob (not so bad) but, the worst is I have a midsection the same size as my hips!

So, I've been obsessing a bit lately, and I feel so guilty if I eat something bad or go over my calories - it gets a bit nuts (and hubby thinks so too)!

I've been thinking a lot about what is triggering my newfound border-line obsession (or maybe outright obsession) with my body image. I think it may have something to do with losing myself somewhat after having a baby. I think we can get so caught up in being 'mummy', and also a good 'wife'  or 'partner' our needs can be forgotten (both by ourselves and others) to the point we can get a bit lost. Who is this new person? I mean before having a baby I was a wife, but I was also very much my own person, independent, went out a lot with friends, did my own thing - more selfish lol. Now, I am more responsible and my baby's needs are put ahead of mine, but what about me I guess? 

I don't know about you, but my life has gone through a MAJOR CHANGE since having a child, and maybe all this responsibility and lack of independence has left me somewhat down, and therefore taking it out on myself. YES, I Love my baby girl soooo much, and she makes me so happy and I wouldn't change having her for the worlddd...but like a good friend suggested, I think I really need to make sure I make time for me, get out with friends, do things I love doing etc....and here's the pinch....I need to do it without wishing I was with my baby and/or without feeling guilty that I should be with my baby. Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, that's what I intend to work on, that coupled with exercising more (exercising is good for the mood afterall) to improve muscle tone. If I don't try to tackle this now, I can see myself going on a further downward spiral with my eating.

You may not feel this way, but it's so good being able to share my concerns, because just writing this will hopefully stop me ignoring what I need to do to be happier with myself.

Smile 

22 Replies (last)
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