I've been under a ton of stress lately. Just school... I don't think you'll find anyone who says college final weeks are their favorite weeks of the year. So reasonable stress.
But unreasonable response. Nightmare after nightmare about being fat. Nightmare after nightmare about Jay leaving me (he already left). Usually these are tied together somehow. And I remember them.. scales, numbers, faces, tears, hate, anger, sadness, fear, disppointment, size... I remember it all.
Its to the point I wake up in tears because I'm so upset about being fat and alone. I'm on the low end of a BMI-about 20ish so no need to feel fat.
Anyone else gone through this? I've dealt with ED's for several years but never nightmares this vivid or this upsetting.
So is it all exams and stuff for you just now? I was just thinking if it could be related to the fear of failing in general. I presume you don't feel fat and lonely most of the time or do you? Is it just when you have the nightmares and wake up?
I just finished exams. I have a bad history with anorexia and consequently have very bad body image pretty much all the time :/ It's gotten a lot better but I'm still critical when I see a mirror.
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Original Post by melodic:
I just finished exams. I have a bad history with anorexia and consequently have very bad body image pretty much all the time :/ It's gotten a lot better but I'm still critical when I see a mirror.
Well the fact it's gotten a lot better is fantastic though isn't it? That's great for a start. You know even the most well adjusted person wont always like what they see in the mirror.
Nightmares are horrible though, I can't deny that but maybe it's like vamoose says, maybe you still worry about your health a lot and how you're doing, fear of things going wrong again.
Anyway I would take some comfort and a bit of pride in the fact you've gotten this far, I think it's really good.
Original Post by vamoose:
Could it be residual/unconscious trauma from your ED? Maybe some of those fears were not fully dealt with during weight restoration, they were pushed to the back of your mind and now being under stress is triggering them. Fear of emotional loss. The hell of an ED in itself can be trauma-inducing.
I supposedly have PTSD from some of the Hell I put myself through (and some of the remarks I got from some very important people in my life) when I was anorexic. I say supposedly because I don't really think its PTSD- I believe that disorder exists, but I don't think I have it. Moreso because doctors are the ones that diagnosed me with PTSD and they make up a lot of the cause from it.
I'll get something right one day. Its a miracle how far I've come but terrifying how much farther I still have to go
Yeh but you've still come this far and that deserves a bit of self praising, just have to go one day at a time. I think you'll get there myself, you certainly don't sound weak and feeble, you sound quite together and capable.
As for Doc's they have to use some sort of label so when they're talking to another Doc they both have some sort of clue what each other's talking about lol
Original Post by halfhearted:
Yeh but you've still come this far and that deserves a bit of self praising, just have to go one day at a time. I think you'll get there myself, you certainly don't sound weak and feeble, you sound quite together and capable.
As for Doc's they have to use some sort of label so when they're talking to another Doc they both have some sort of clue what each other's talking about lol
Wow, thank you. That's very nice of you to say!
And the Doc's... not necessarily labels. Moreso having doctors pretty much telling me I didn't have any hope for recovery and being very ignorant/rude about the anorexia mentality that pissed me off more than anything.
Not at all, look at the facts, you're recovering form an ED, you've been through a break up by the sounds of it, you have docs not giving you the help you need, you've just been through a tough part of college and here you are posting it on the internet seeking some help all of which takes courage. I'd say you're stronger than you think you are.
The nightmares can't be much fun but yeh, I reckon you will get through it
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