my parents hurting my recovery! :( ugh
I don't know how many if you guys know this, but I cut myself. I'm trying to stop, but then my parents will do something triggering! Today, my mom yelled at me for being lazy, then proceeded to tell me everything that she does for me. Then my dad backs her up and makes me feel like I do nothing right, which was part of the reason why I started cutting in the first place. They told me that I was 'disappointing' to them and I need to work harder! I am a perfectionist and hate to disappoint people, and not being perfect caused me to slip into depression and start cutting. I've explained this to my parents, but they don't understand how triggering their comments are! I had gone almost a week without cutting before today. Now I have to start all over!
Bump! Please help!!
I've been in the same position as you... I cut on a daily basis for about eight years, now I've only done it four times in the last five years :)
The biggest thing for me was that I had to stop waiting for my parents to be there for me and accept that because of their own failings they weren't strong enough to be the parents I needed. Once I accepted that it helped a lot.
If you can learn to find peace in yourself then when they say or do triggering things you can train yourself to let it wash over you and not affect you. I find it comforting to think about the origins of the universe when I feel like cutting, remember that every single atom of you was once burning at the heart of a star... We are all stardust... When this is true how can we be anything but beautiful :) think of how in the whole history of the world from the dawn of time until the end, there will never be another one of you... Please don't damage the only one there will ever be. No matter what hurtful things people say, you are irreplaceable.
It it not necessary to internalize everything your parents say to you. Besides getting therapy, keep communicating them your feelings, and learning to cope by exercise, walks, music, journaling, chatting to friends, etc., you have to change how you interpret your parent's negative comments. So someone calls you lazy, check yourself. Is it true? Have I been lazy? If you agree, make the steps to stop being lazy. If you don't, disregard.
With every negative criticism, produce a positive one. On the other hand, ask your parents if there is something they need help with; cleaning, groceries, cooking. Maybe they are feeling stressed about money or their jobs. Offering help would be a good place to start.
I have sympathy for you, I really do, so don't take what I'm about to say as evidence contrary to that but as an ex-cutter myself (about 3 years "clean") the only person who controls whether you cut is you. It really sucks that your parents are triggering you, but ultimately the problem is that the desire to cut is still your emotional response. But if it's not them it will be something else, because of life is good at one thing its pushing what we can handle.
BUT- and this is important- the fact that you're trying to stop is the most important thing. And it's a helluva problem to stop. You won't always be able to quell the urges, but each time you do you're building yourself into a stronger person. Even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment.
Unfortunately you can't change your parents. But you can practice positive affirmations to yourself. And with practice their criticism will mean less and less to you. And the less it means to you the better you'll feel and the better you do. It's a rough learning curve, but with practice it will get easier.
I hadn't come on this app for a while now, so when I read you guys's posts, I literally started crying:) I really am trying, and I started talking to a therapist. My parents really do trigger me though. I know that I control what I do to myself, and I'm trying to stop... It's just soo mentally exhausting! How do you not get overwhelmed by all of this?
at some point everyone gets overwhelmed, the best way to look at it is try everything to regain that control. have you tried meditation or journaling at all? i find that writing down everything in my head helps me get it out in a more positive way. also writing a letter to your parents that you never give to them can help cause you can say everything you need to without them upsetting you. my family used to trigger me a lot when i was younger, now that i have my own son i see that their reactions were because they couldn't save me from myself, they were terrified and heartbroken because they thought they were going to lose me.
everything always gets better, life is beautiful and there are so many wonderful things to do and see. no one knows how many chances we get on this earth and if we only get one then it would suck to cut it short when it hasn't even got to the best part yet.