PLEASE help me, my anorexia will not go away!?!? (TW)

Hey everyone, my name is Layla and I'm unsure of my stats ... my height is 5 foot 2.5inch and my weight is somewhere between 7-7 1/2 stone. I have recently recovered from anorexia but I've also started to relapse these past few months, only averaging about 1200 calories a day, whilst doing at least 1 hour of exercise a day.

As I'm starting University in Sept and living away from home I want to try to recover from this relapse ASAP!. This week I have added a snack of around 100-150 calories. I just can't bring myself to eat any more because I'm terrified of gaining weight, honestly it is such a HUGE fear that I can't get out of my head. I go to bed hungry near enough every night but I never feed my body what it needs because I'm scared of eating late at night because I think I'll gain weight. Everything I put into my mouth I am evaluating whether or not I think it will make me gain weight :S. And if I eat that extra hundred calories, the next day I feel like a look bigger in the mirror. I was trying to figure out possible ways of making sure that I do not gain weight and the only thing I can think of is to weigh myself. But the worries me because the scales have proved to be a massive trigger for me in the past but I don't know how else to put my mind at rest?!

I never did recovery properly. I recovered on about 1800 calories, whilst carrying on exercising. I just feel like my body is messed up! and I don't know what to do to make it right. I want to be normal and healthy, but lately I feel kinda ill and soo tired. It just feels impossible because I've never allowed myself to relax in recovery, it just all feels like a massive stress all the time and I'm exhausted with it!. I wish I could recover all over again and do it properly :( but right now I don't want to gain because I'm at a healthy weight.

I don't know what to dooooooo?. Please, please, please help me!?!?!?!?!? :(((     

talk to a nutritionist and a therapist. 1800 with excercise is not what we call recovery. minimum 2500 with little exercise (little walks, yoga) is recovery. I assure you, even of a few weeks with 2500 you wont gain a lot. Maybe 6-7 pounds but 5 of those pounds will be water weight. and the 2 pounds remaining will NOT show at all. I've been there, eating over 7000 calories a day for 3 weeks, I've only gained about 7 real pounds, the rest is water weight and the 7 pounds dont even show. So please, eat 2500 and it doesnt matter where you get those calories ! Just make sure you get enough protein, good fats, vitamins and minerals to recover but indulge in as many treats as you want. One trick I'd give (thatd what worked for me) was to tell myself "ill gain the weight , then if I dont like it, ill just lose it" even though deep down i knew i would never lose it because the more I gained, the more i loved my body and started to enjoy life ! If you have any questions.. I'd be glad to help !

Yeah I know 1800 calories isn't enough but this is what I recovered on because I had no proffesional help and I was petrified of gaining weight. This fear has followed me all the way through my recovery and has never gotten any better. I have eaten an extra 300 calories today and I feel so anxious .. my stomach is churning and I feel like crying :(. I don't think I can do this anymore, seriously?! .. it seems so much easier to just relapse than to get better. 

I WANT to be able to eat a nice amount and enjoy life without all of this ED nonsense but I just can't bring myself to eat more, emotionally it makes me feel sick!!.

Arrrgh, I'm sorry for ranting I just feel so alone and trapped .... :(  

Hi Layla i know exactly how you feel, i ate a bit extra today it felt good at the time but afterwards all the guilt was there.

Try and stay strong, we have no other option but to try and fight this otherwise it will kill us in the end, we have no other option, i know how rubbish life is at the moment, just think do you seriously want to live the rest of your life like this??? and it will only get worse, try and fight the guilt if you can, i am 30 yrs old bmi 16.2 and i have osterperosis, i am seeking help from the hospital, so maybe you should consider this, i have been getting treatment for a year but in this time still losing but it is good to sometimes talk to someone who is professional, it does open you eyes, but unfortunatly for me i have not managed to gain weight, i need to soon otheriwse i know i will be in trouble but it is so hard to add extra to your intake without substituting or feeling guilty this life sucks, wish letting go was that easy, try and keep your chin up your not the only one living this nightmare :)

The truth is, you won't get better until you really want to get better, until you decide that it is more important to be healthy and happy than to be thin. It took me two and a half years before I was able to make that decision, but now that I have made it I feel so free.

That guilt, that fear, that anxiety that comes with food and weight - it is going to be there for a long time. I promise you that the more you give into it, the worse it will get. Restricting seems like the easiest thing to do because it is - who wants to live with that constant guilt following them around?!

Every day, I hear ED screaming at me that I'm too big, that I ate too much, that I'll gain weight or that I'm currently gaining weight and other nonsense. Carrying on through the day with those thoughts swarming around my head is debilitating. I know how much it sucks to be trapped in two mindsets - one wanting to recover, the other wanting to give up. But believe me - it gets easier. It gets a LOT easier. The moment you allow yourself to enjoy food, the moment you remind yourself that it is your ED that is putting these thoughts in your head and they are UNTRUE - things become so, so much easier.

Recovery is not easy. It is a fight. Every single day is a fight. I have felt the exact same way that you are feeling now - hopeless, overwhelmed with guilt, wanting to get better but just not being able to. Feeling alone, feeling like a failture, feeling like I'll never get better.

So, my advice - reach at least 2000 calories a day. Force yourself if you have to. Write down all the reasons why you want to get better and take that list into the kitchen whenever you have to make yourself a meal. Talk to your parents about creating a meal plan - or message me, I'd be glad to help.

There is only so much I can say; the rest is up to you. It may not seem like it but you have complete control over your recovery. You can either choose to let your ED continue controlling you, or you can choose to force yourself into getting better. Recovery is not easy, it is not comfortable. It is filled with anxiety, with guilt, with feelings of self-hatred. But the longer you stick to it, the easier it gets, and the more you learn to realize that life is so much more than just weight and calories. 

Good luck.

I'm sorry that you feel so trapped in this hun :(!. But I have been there and I know exactly how you feel. I had a horrible relapse in the middle of my recovery and I found it EXTREMELY difficult to bounce back from. However, I did find a little bit of strength to beat my anorexia still in me and I clung on to that, and that desire to recover just got stronger and stronger as I stuck to recovery. 

As you are starting Uni in Sept you need to try get yourself as healthy, in both body and mind, as you possibly can!. It will be very hard, I'm not going to lie to you. But I will promise you that once your eating a nice amount, you feel healthy, the ED thoughts become few and far between, you start thinking rationally ect; you'll then realise that sticking to recovery was so worth it!!

I hope you find the strength to fight this ...... it is there you just need to listen :) x