Are you in your 30's, 40's, ...and above and need support with weight gain?

Hi friends,

I thought I'd start a chat/support with us "oldies." This forum has been extremely helpful for me, but do you ever feel like you're struggling at an "older" age? So, I thought we could talk about our challenges and encourage each other with some of the issues we face.

I am just newly 40, and I have been struggling with anorexia for over 25 years. I am finally finally finally waking up to life. Yes, I have "success" on the outside, but deep down, I've had an ED voice for too long. I just lost my father, and had a true wake up call. Plus, the bone scan, joint pain, just plain body aching made me realize, do I want to be old sooner than later? SO, time to take it back.

It's never too late to change, gals (guys too! :-)I still am struggling, but I've put on about 10 lbs and have 10 more to go. It's these last ones that are hard for me.

WHat are you struggling with? HOw can I/we support you?

-is it exercise addiction?

-is it getting in the calories (how!?) ?

-family/friend pressure?

-losing your "identity" in ED??

JUst throwing out a few you may identify with. Hope we can support each other before we get older, eh?

Hi all! I'm 33 and in the gaining process although some days are harder than others. Not hard at gaining...but hard at accepting it. I'm 5' 2.5 and went from 128lbs to 86 lbs in a year. I didn't really notice that I was getting pretty thin until I started wearing my 10 year old's clothes. (And she's a little thing). Anyways....I got tired of restricting my calories so I started to eat again. I eat anywhere between 1500 to 2500 cals a day and exercise about 2 hours a day. I've been doing this for a month now and as of this morning I'm up to about 102-103 lbs. I'm taking it one day at a time.

Welcome sullysbunny.  Sounds like you're making really good progress.  I have to admit that I'm jealous of how much you exercise.  I've cut down quite a bit but am also not quite as far along as you in terms of gaining and calorie intake. 

Welcome Sully!!! :-)

Hi KS :-)

Hey, Sully, why are you exercising so much? 2 hours EVERY DAY? What are you doing? Watch that cardio. You may be burning muscle and sabotaging the hours. You really only should be doing about 3-4 x per week strength and maybe same cardio (to lose). To gain? I would n't do the cardio..just sayin! :)

I love that you are eating 2500. That is remarkable. AND great progress on the gain.

We are a great bunch here to support you. Anything you have for a goal?
KS: What's up? HOw was your day??

I did quite well. I'm starting to ACCEPT my new curves and looking (kindof) forward to putting on my next 5-7 lbs. That's the goal.

:-) I need to eat 1900! I can't seem to get past the 1800. Hmmm. Tomorrow? UGH!!

Hey SK.  Yay for accepting your curves!  I miss mine so much.  It sucks to have no shape...clothes just don't fit the same.  Can't wait until I have a butt again and can fill out my bras LOL.  And great job on getting to 1800.  Sure it isn't 1900 but the key is working towards it and not getting too down on yourself for not getting there. 

I'm still not feeling great.  My tummy is all bloated and I'm having even more GI trouble than usual, which doesn't make eating very fun.  I'm also feeling pretty tired today and had a headache and some chills, so I wonder if maybe I'm coming down with something.  Otherwise today went pretty well.  I ended up eating something this morning for the first time since September (Since then I've been eating closer to 11 or noon), so I ended up eating five times instead of four.  AND today was officially one week of not going to the gym.  I did exercise at home this morning and took my dog on a short walk after work, but it was all at a laid back pace.  I'm kind of anxious about tomorrow because I have to go to a baby shower after work where there will be a lot of pressure to eat and drink.  I can't drink alcohol b/c of the med that I'm taking and always hate feeling like I have to explain myself.  Luckily, most of the people know me well enough that they probably won't say anything but I'll probably still feel uncomfortable.  

I hope everyone had a healthy and happy day. 

Hi everyone,

I've been too busy too post but have been following this thread and reading about your progress and struggles when I had time to go online. As always, I can relate to so much of what you are all saying and it's so encouraging to see such great support and to also know that we are all facing very similar obstacles along the way (which I hope we will ALL overcome).

Just to let you know, I got through my 2 week cardio ban and survived the uncertainty and challenges of a week working away from home. Despite my best intentions to just let go of my ED control and act like a normal person,  I have to admit that I didn't choose too many 'scary' options from restaurant menus so it was lots of grilled salmon and salad for me!! I did eat more than I would have at home and I allowed myself a few unplanned treats along the way so I think I did OK all things considered... 

I also didn't have time to workout for about 4 days in a row so even my weights went untouched (yes I had taken them with me!!) and I didn't panic too much as I was on my feet for most of the time I was away anyway.

I am putting a bit of cardio back into my workouts now that I have proven to myself that I am not a total slave to it but I can feel the old temptations to do as much as possible each day returning so I am going to have to keep myself in check. I have gained a little bit of weight (according to the scale but not actually visible on my body) and am hoping to stay on the right track towards that healthier, curvier, more feminine body that we all talk about but seem to have to constantly battle with our minds and ED compulsions to achieve.

Anyway, just thought I'd say 'hi' and wish you all well with your goals.   

Good morning all! I managed to reach about 1700 cal yesterday with only 1hr and 40 min of exercise. 

My workout normally consist of:

Mon: biking, pilates, jogging, weight lifting.

Tues: dance, kettlebell, 30 day shred workout, kickboxing, pilates

Wed: Circuit training, calisthenics, dance

and so on. I mix it up some but I try to at least do the 30 day shred every other day.

My goal was to reach 104lbs. I'll most likely go over that but hopefully will be able to maintain around that once my body re-nourshes itself. I guess I shouldn't really worry about it until my period returns. (must avoid the scale)

Truth be told....the only days I actually reach the 2000-2500 cal mark is when I go out and eat. That has basically been the weekends. I like taking my kids out to eat. And they like seeing me eat. :)

I exercise so much because I'm scared to gain too fast.  You see, in my mind...I'm already recovered. And I can already see the fat that I lost coming back. Oh well.....for my health. ( Plus I feel guilty if I don't work my butt off. )

Now if I could just lose the habit of keeping that running calorie tally in my head. LOL.

Hope everyone is having a good day so far.

Hi all,

I'm having a "Oh, my goodness...I'm soooooooo bloated" moment, yet I have to eat. Uggh. Sometimes I wish I could just stay at this weight, but I know I don't see what other see. Distortions!

Sully, goooooodness. You do a lot of exercise. Does exercise rule your life? In other words, do you schedule your life around it? It must take up time. I know, I used to do this. Now, I just do 20 of strength training 6 days /wk. No cardio yet.

Let me ask you..do you think you may be a "slave" to cardio? You say you are afraid to put on weight, but you are not putting on muscle..isn't that the point of working out (if not to lose fat) I highly doubt you have any fat, and you are basically lowering your metabolism by burning muscle....However, I know you won't believe me until you do an experiment.

AQUA? What have you found? SUlly, at least eat 2500 if you are going to WO so hard?

WELCOME BACK GIRL..Aqua! I'm so glad to hear you did it, but hey, salmon/salad..that's good. At least you didn't just have water and lettuce ;-) Just keep upping the cals and exercise in moderation.

I look at it like this...what can I maintain forever? Do I want to be a slave to my body or do I want to have full relationships with people and have some flexibility. It truly takes time. I'm not totally there yet.

I restricted today because I just felt so darn big...I look it too. (But again, I know I am not accurate. )

Well, keep it up! Let's encourage each other. THINK OF ONE THING YOU CAN DO DIFFERENT TOMORROW THAT WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE! I'M GOING TO EAT 1900.

:-)

SK - sorry you're not feeling so well today.  I've had a few days like that lately...feeling bloated and gross...and know how hard it can be to make yourself eat when you feel like that.  It's hard not to restrict, but I just try to remind myself that being bloated is just temporary and focus on my long term goal of getting healthier.  Good luck on your goal for tomorrow. 

AQUA - welcome back, and great job on sticking to your two week cardio ban.  That had to be tough!  And I think it sounds like you did a great job eating while away from home. 

SULLY - I agree with SK...that's a ton of cardio.  I can totally relate to why you feel compelled to work out so much.  But logically I know that that much exercise is only hurting your body and health.  Today it's been just over a week since I've been to the gym, though I've still been doing some light exercise (yoga and walking).  And in this short period of time I've already experienced some benefits - both physical and psychological.   Do you at least take one or two days off?  If not, please try it and you'll be amazed at how much better you feel with a little rest.  You body needs time to heal and recuperate. 

I'm still feeling pretty sick and had a crazy day at work, and let that get in the way of meeting my goal of eating 5 times today.  Today, I did go see my primary care doctor and she wants me to start working with a nutritionist/dietician and maybe try adding supplemental drinks for more calories instead of getting a nasal feeding tube like the GI specialist I saw suggested.   I'm ok with this and hopeful that the dietician I was seeing a year ago will agree to work with me again.  So, I need to contact her to find out, and hopefully set up an appt. 

As far as goals for this weekend, I plan to add another 100-200 calories to my diet, ideally through the addition of an extra snack.  I'm also thinking about going to the gym tomorrow morning to do a class called Body Flow, which is a combination of tai chi, yoga, and pilates.  I think I'll be able to handle it and not do much extra while I'm there.  And, tomorrow I'm going to re-start accupuncture.  I've done it in the past to help with my GI trouble, anxiety , and depression and it's worked wonders. 

Hope y'all have a great night. 

Hi everyone,

Thanks for welcoming me back and I appreciate your kind words about the way I managed my ED thoughts and compulsions whilst on my business trip.

sk, You are absolutely right about Sully's addiction to exercise. Sully, this is not a judgement based on anything other than many of us having been there ourselves so we understand the totally overwhelming desire to do more and more and the terrible guilt if you don't. But you have to cut it back or you'll never get even close to recovering!

During the first few days of my cardio ban I felt like the laziest person in the world and, although I knew that my body needed the break and that the weights routines were helping me build (rather than destroy) my body, it just didn't feel like I'd done enough.

Before reading sk's posts I too would have never believed that I could cut cardio out completely. In the past, if I could do cardio 7 days a week I would and, if possible, I would change my social and work plans to accommodate working out as well. Now, even though I have introduced cardio back into my workout (and I will admit that the temptation to go crazy with it is still there), I am setting limits and tomorrow for example is a strictly weights only day.

It's a journey we all have to make on our own and it takes different lengths of time and different experiences for us all to get to the point where we feel we have the strength to change. I just hope for the sake of your poor, worn down body, that you can do it soon.

Back to you sk. You said you feel fat and "look it too" but we have about the same stats and I know that neither of us is even close to being chubby. We'd both have trouble getting classified as even remotely curvy so please keep that in mind on your 'fat' days. It's your ED talking and that ED is talking nonsense!!

As for my weight gain, when I get on the scales I am constantly fighting the ED part of my brain that wants to see lower numbers and the normal person I once was who knows that the ED thinking is destructive and not the way I want to live my life. At the moment, it's an increase I can handle although I'm feeling a little wobbly about the prospect of facing even higher numbers...With a BMI that's still well below what is considered healthy, I know I have more weight to gain and a few more 'bad scale days' to deal with.   

There is a huge temptation to stop fighting and say "Hey, this is me, this is my disorder and this is how I feel safe" but I also know that this is not a healthy way to live, mentally or physically. Why should I spend so much time feeling guilty for what I've eaten or the workout I couldn't do? Why should I panic when I am invited to a social event that I know will involve lots of tempting food? Why do I make myself feel like I am the worst person in the world if the scales show a higher number than the one I have set in my mind as acceptable? It's like living in a prison where I am both the inmate and the jailer.

Anyway, we're all on this forum because we're trying to heal ourselves so let's all fight hard today and keep the encouragement and support coming. Thanks!

Hi ksrunner,

I just wanted to add a personal note to say that I am so impressed by your strength and determination. No gym for over a week and just being kind to your body with walking, yoga & tai chi type exercises is brilliant.

I agree with you about your body feeling better (it is the mental battles that challenge me the most) and I really hope that you can find a solution to your other health problems along the way.

Good luck with your extra 100~200 calorie plan this weekend and let us know how you got on.

I can't write now..on my way out, but can I just say,

"I love this forum." You guys...,knowing you are there and just supportive, is the most satisfying, motivating feeling.

I will write more later. Thank you for being so THERE~!! :-)

AQUA: Hi girl! I love what you said here: " It's a journey we all have to make on our own and it takes different lengths of time and different experiences for us all to get to the point where we feel we have the strength to change. " Today, I actually put on my old Levi's that used to literally FALL off me. Now they fit around the butt, but very loose around the waist. ..suffice it to say, my butt is growing. BUT YOU'RE RIGHT..5'4" and 98 is not normal. But gosh, I feel like I look normal. Weird. I am getting more accepting. As for you AQUA: You should avoid the scales. Go by your clothes. If I put on even one lb, I start racking my brain..and thinking..OH NO!! When it's probably water or normal fluctuations. Don't do the scale and TRUST YOUR DIETICIAN> This is what I got to go on! :) KS: HOw are you doing? How are you feeling? Tell me how we canhelp you this week? SUlly: Try an "experiment" YOur body will probably LOSE weight if you don't exercise so much. It's burning muscle..not fat. It's storing fat..! :0 TRY IT!!! :-) How are all of you?
So, I need to continue eating more in the morning. This is the ONLY WAY I CAN GET IN MY CALS> Do any of you else find this?

Have a great great amazing day. No scales, limit the cardio, and EAT! :-0

Ugh...I'm so frustrated!  I woke up this morning with this stupid left sided abdominal pain that I get and it's been bad all day....and worse when I eat and drink.  It's so hard to stay on track with my eating when I'm in so much pain.  I was in so much pain I decided to skip the morning meal I had planned to start today and didn't end up eating until after noon.  And, I showed up at the gym this morning to find out that they're having teacher training this week and the class I wanted to go to had been canceled (and of course I didn't know this ahead of time b/c I haven't been at the gym in over a week) so I ended up doing my usual elliptical and bike workout instead.  I felt kind of guilty doing it, but at the same time it felt so good.  I think from now on I will let myself workout at the gym on the weekends IF and only if I meet my calorie goals for the week.  The highlight of my day was an acupuncture appt, which helped my pain temporarily...but it was back as soon as I ate again.  Anyways, I went on another walk with my dog after eating my afternoon meal - just about 20 minutes total.  Other than that I've been trying to relax on the couch as much as possible and have had putting a heating pad on my tummy to help with the pain.  It's days like this that I get so hopeless. I don't understand how I'm supposed to eat more and gain if I'm in this much pain.  I guess I have to learn to eat more on the days that I'm feeling good to make up for eating less on the days that my pain is this bad.  And, while I didn't eat more today I thought a lot of how I can add 100+ cals starting Monday.  And, I know the best way I can do that is by eating something in the morning.  So, I'm committing myself to start eating a morning snack/meal before I leave for work on Monday.  It'll probably just be something quick and easy a protein bar or shake, but that's better than nothing. 

I hope everyone else had a better day than me. 

KS - Don't be too hard on yourself!  We all struggle with bad days, the key is not to make those days become a reason to backslide.  I do the reward thing with myself too - and it works most of the time, I think of something I really want and only get it if I meet my calorie goals.  I'm thinking at this point money might do the trick. 

Aqua - I have struggled with the scale thing so many times and still have to fight it.  I agree with SK to just not weigh yourself.  I have spent so much money on scales it's ridiculous, only to find myself using it to make sure I'm not gaining - which defeats the purpose.  I think the only way I will break that habit is by going by how I feel, not how much I weigh.  Yes my smaller clothes will need to be tossed, but I'm going to have to just get through that anxiety.  Getting on the scale just perpetuates my disordered thinking and impedes my progress, and at this time in my life that is not an option! 

Sully - I have been in the same position you are with the exercise.  I had a recent bout of tendonitis or something that forced me to cut back and not only did I not gain weight, but I actually felt better energywise!  Trust me - taking a break will only help you in the long run.  My stress fracture two years ago didn't stop me and looking back I realize I don't want to go through that again and in order to prevent that need to take care of myself now. 

SK - Keep up the good work on the calories!  I hit 2800 a couple days this week, and it's starting to not seem like that much food!  YAY!  My new slogan is don't wait for tomorrow - start now.  Waiting just prolongs the disease and I'm ready to end it once and for all.

Have a great day everyone!

Thanks for the encouragement Erin. 

I feel like such a whiner, but this whole weekend was just....ugh.  I was in pain again most of the day today but had to do all the usual cleaning and errands, so I'm exhausted.  Sometimes I wish my husband would help out more with that stuff but I feel too guilty to ask him for help b/c he already deals with so much (between work and all my health stuff).  And, of course I had to exercise too - walking and some yoga.  I don't know why I always try to do everything knowing I'm just going to end up wearing myself out.  Anyways, I was able to make a good plan for tomorrow in terms of being able to meet my goal of adding 100 calories to my intake.  I still have a long way to go in terms of increasing my calories but I need to get past this first jump successfully and then things will probably go smoother.  I've also been weighing the pros/cons of seeing a dietician again.  I really didn't like the one I saw last year, mainly because she used an exchange format that drove me crazy.  I just need someone to say "Eat X # of calories" not "3 protein, 3 carbs, 3 fat for breakfast" and "2carb, 2 protein for a snack", etc.  That's just too confusing to me and I got way too obsessed with trying to be exactly on target.  But I"m not sure if there are any others in town.  Guess I'll have to do some looking. 

So how's everyone else doing?  Did you meet your goals for the weekend? 

Hello all!
You all are so encouraging to each other. What a blessing.

KS: You just had a bad weekend. It happens. Like Erin said, just start over. A new day! You are awfully hard on yourself. It sounds like you use exercise as an escape? I know I do sometimes..it's a medicine sometimes. Can be good and bad..Bad because it can be an addiction hiding other problems.

I agree with the dietician thing. It is SOOOO hard to break it all down and it's just conducive to being more obsessive. One number is fine. I break mine down like this:
450, 350, 300, 150, 350, 300. This seems to work.If I need to add, I frontload since I don't like to eat so much in the evenings. What do you think?

Do you guys ever feel like you eat the same thing everyday? I go to the store on autopilot..I get the SAME thing every week, but nothing ever sounds good except what I'm used to. Is this more ED?

Uggh... OK, a new day!! 1900 here I come/

HOw are all of you?

Original Post by erins148:

Aqua - I have struggled with the scale thing so many times and still have to fight it.  I agree with SK to just not weigh yourself.  I have spent so much money on scales it's ridiculous, only to find myself using it to make sure I'm not gaining - which defeats the purpose.  I think the only way I will break that habit is by going by how I feel, not how much I weigh.  Yes my smaller clothes will need to be tossed, but I'm going to have to just get through that anxiety.  Getting on the scale just perpetuates my disordered thinking and impedes my progress, and at this time in my life that is not an option!

 Hi Erin,

Your encouragement was just what I needed today so thank you for that. I seem to be having a bit of a wobble and I'm not sure why...I can certainly relate to your point about ending up using the scale to make sure you're not gaining. I did put the scale away in a cupboard for about 2 months a while back but of course 'just one peek to see if I'd gained' became a much more regular event. Perhaps I should hide it away again and just go by my clothes as you and SK suggest.

As I've said before, I get on the scale knowing what I shouldwant to see but of course hoping that it doesn't register a weight gain. And yet I am the one telling all of my loved ones who are so concerned about me that I am 'working on it' and committed to putting on some weight.

It's not that I mean to deceive them because the logical non-disordered part of my brain really does want to get rid of this illness and to start living a less controlled, restrictive and self-judgemental way of life. And yet the habits of almost 10 years are very hard to break.

Case in point, I'd sent my Mum a recent photo of myself and my husband and when she next phoned me she said that she'd thought my face hadn't looked so gaunt and she was hoping that I had started to gain weight. That's good right? WRONG! Suddenly my ED is screaming "You're gaining weight already!", "You haven't been stuffing yourself with donuts and ice cream and sleeping on the sofa all day and yet you're already getting fatter!".......What is all that about??? Naturally Mum was just trying to say that she was so pleased to see that I wasn't looking as ill as in the past as she has been very worried about me but it didn't sound good to me at all.

What is it that makes us put 'thin' above everything else as a value by which to judge ourselves. If I lived alone on an island I don't think I'd choose to be as thin as I am now so I know that it is a 'message' I am trying to send out to the people around me, whether I know them or not. I think that message has always been, 'I am strong, I am disciplined, I am in control and you can't hurt me'. But does anyone but me really care about this message for which I am willing to risk my health, live a life full of restriction and rules and cause my family to worry about me? Probably not - and that's the craziest thing about it!!    

Anyway, all my ranting aside, I am trying to regain my committed and focused attitude of a week or so ago as I can feel myself slipping into the oh so familiar depths of a relapse. I don't want to lose the weight I've gained so I'm not sliding back too far but I think I've hit a bump in the road and am scared of the next step.

I moaned to my husband the other day that if I put on a decent amount of weight I'll not be able to fit into my favourite pair of jeans. His reply? "I'll buy you 3 new pairs if you just get some curves on you!" Guess I can't use that as an excuse any more.

Hope you're all having a successful ED conquering week.

Original Post by sk828:

Do you guys ever feel like you eat the same thing everyday? I go to the store on autopilot..I get the SAME thing every week, but nothing ever sounds good except what I'm used to. Is this more ED?

 Hi SK! I just had to reply to your question as I have just been to the supermarket and, once again despite my best intentions to chuck whatever I fancied into the trolley, I have come home with pretty much the usual stuff...

I added some nuts and a high calorie yoghurt, nut and seed bar to my shopping as a 'treat' and a way of trying to eat more calories but it's still all very controlled. I think it's definitely an ED thing. I feel like I am allowing myself the above treats because they are relatively healthy but also high in calories and I can somehow justify having them because of that. BUT, as much as I wanted the 4 pack of blueberry muffins, I just didn't have the mental strength to put them in my trolley. If I bought them then I'd eat them...But isn't that the whole point!!??!!

If you've read my latest post you'll see that I feel like I've been stumbling a little recently. Surely if I was 100% committed to this goal I would stop exercising, eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and not try and control my calories or rate of gain at all...Then, when I was looking and feeling healthier both mentally and physically I could start getting my body back into balance with a fitness plan that was completely health focused...

Instead, this week I am looking in the mirror and thinking things like, "I've put on a bit of weight. Surely that's enough as I don't really look that bad now do I?" and "Why should I have to change to make everyone else happy?"....... Dangerous territory!!

Isn't it odd that even while we are trying to let go we are still trying to hold on? Thoughts anyone?    

Yeah.....I'm addicted to exercise. I'm at a good weight now and I'm afraid that if I stop or cut back some I'll gain like crazy. As is...my stomach looks huge. I lost the 6 pack I had at 86lbs. Now all the fat is growing back over my stomach. Ugh! I don't want to go back to restricting calories. I hated the way that made me feel. I was so hungry yesterday that I ate all day long. I believe I hit about 2100 cals.

I don't have much of a personal life. I go to work....come home and eat...and work out while the kids watch their shows. Sometimes they work out with me. I still have enough time to read them a story before bed.

I'm going out of town in about 2 weeks for a few days. I'll be eating out more and hardly exercising so I'll try the experiement then. If it works out then I'll try cutting back more. :)

My neighbor yesterday noticed my weight gain and said I was looking better. He said my face was filling out. On one hand I was happy and yet on the other I was scared and offended. Weird huh? I thought I looked better at such a low weight.

You know, what sucks is that just over a year ago I was happier. (I think....my brain is kind of screwed up now). I would eat anything I wanted and exercise here and there. I never felt guilty about eating the oreos with a big glass of milk. I would eat 4 slices of pizza or chicken wings (which I LOVE) and be just fine. Sure.....I weighed 128lbs but I didn't think I was huge. At times I hated the way my stomach laid over the bed like Homer Simpsons but hey....over all...I didn't think I was that bad. Then I went nuts. I got on this weight loss kick. Restricted everything and exercised my butt off. (literally) In my mind when I look back, I can only imagine how big I must have been at 128lbs. But what is real and what isn't? Even now when I try to eat what I want I hold back some. I had a bowl of cereal yesterday and only used about 1/4 cup of milk. I haven't had chicken wings in so long because I know how many calories are in them. I've been trying to fight my sweet tooth. I still buy the 100 calories snacks, the light soups, the 40 calorie bread, and everything has to be reduced fat/fat free/sugar free. I even picked up a yogurt yesterday that was 130 calories and put it back for one that was 100 cals. Sometimes my kids will go through my cabinet and mark out the calories on the box so I can't see them. LOL.

*Sigh* I want my life back.

Aqua- I have the same thing with my jeans. LOL. My size 1p are getting tight and I'm panicking over it. I really should just toss them into my daughter's closet for her to grow into but I can't seem to let them go yet.

You know.....I'm really glad I stumbled onto this thread. It's nice to finally be able to write what I feel and get some support rather than get chewed out and stomped on like in other threads. THANK YOU!!!!

Original Post by aquasea:

 Hi SK! I just had to reply to your question as I have just been to the supermarket and, once again despite my best intentions to chuck whatever I fancied into the trolley, I have come home with pretty much the usual stuff...

I added some nuts and a high calorie yoghurt, nut and seed bar to my shopping as a 'treat' and a way of trying to eat more calories but it's still all very controlled. I think it's definitely an ED thing. I feel like I am allowing myself the above treats because they are relatively healthy but also high in calories and I can somehow justify having them because of that. BUT, as much as I wanted the 4 pack of blueberry muffins, I just didn't have the mental strength to put them in my trolley. If I bought them then I'd eat them...But isn't that the whole point!!??!!

If you've read my latest post you'll see that I feel like I've been stumbling a little recently. Surely if I was 100% committed to this goal I would stop exercising, eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and not try and control my calories or rate of gain at all...Then, when I was looking and feeling healthier both mentally and physically I could start getting my body back into balance with a fitness plan that was completely health focused...

Instead, this week I am looking in the mirror and thinking things like, "I've put on a bit of weight. Surely that's enough as I don't really look that bad now do I?" and "Why should I have to change to make everyone else happy?"....... Dangerous territory!!

Isn't it odd that even while we are trying to let go we are still trying to hold on? Thoughts anyone?    

Hi Aqua,

I know there's nothing I can personally do to "save" you from your downward slope, but I can encourage you NOT TO GO THERE> Please remember the joy of your family and your kids..and your future! IT'S SO MUCH MORE DEPRESSING IN THE PIT OF SLAVERY TO THIS THING. DON'T YOU WANT FREEDOM? Oh, I do. For me it's been 27YEARS! CMON..I'M THE WORST! I pray everyday, "Please God, give me wisdom. Help me make the healthy choice.." I can't do it on my own. I need God's strength, seriously. The 12 steps are right. You are helpless and you do need a strength bigger than you. You're heart and mind are deceived. Mine are too. I have to continually remind myself of this.

I can totally relate to the scale thing. I look down and know I have to gain weight, but if I've lost, I feel "successful" when I need success to be gaining. THIS IS WHY I FEEL SAD LATELY, BECAUSE THE SCALE KEEPS GOING UP. I should be rejoicing, but I'm only at 1700 and I'm gaining on this. I want to be gaining at 2500 and maiintaing at 2000. Why am I gaining at such low cals???? Uggh. This is why I hate the scales. My clothes are a bit tight, but otherwise...it's not that much different...SOOOO, Aqua.. this is what I say... We want ULTIMATE control. Remember this is the sick part of it. We cannot control ANYTHING else in our lives and this gives us a feeling of SAFETY.

WHen I was in a very bad marriage, I got WORSE because I felt helpless. My ED was my comfort. BUT THERE'S NO PAYOFF HERE. It's more debilitating. You're just hurting yourself and being more trapped. ! Believe me, I'm good at this after 27 years, and trust me, this is no way to live. I want my life to revolve around LOVE not "hate" for myself. Make sense?

Ohh...I so get this. MOVING FORWARD.