Im really scared tonight...I just dont see any way out of this for me. Everyday I vow to change and every day comes and goes and my life is just the same. I felt so poorly today...faint-ish, light headed, my stomach was rumbling, I felt like litterally shovelling food down me and STILL I struggled to eat. I just dont understand. I AM eating...im not restricting as much as I was before xmas. I am eating around 1200 cals a day. I know its not enough but I cant seem to convince myself of anything. Its like for breakfast I had a crumpet and half a piece of toast. 2 hours later I felt dreadfull and had that feeling of litterally wanting to shovel food down me, and I cant understand WHY? Some people dont even have breakfast and they arent anorexic. They wouldnt feel like that. Part of me must still be in denial because I think deep deep down inside of me I still think I am different to anorexics and that I am not a 'true' one, if that makes any sense. Almost like I am not worthy to join in with the recovery of anorexics because I dont qualify as one. Is that a typical ED voice? Im really worried how much more my body and mind can take. I dont think ANYONE truly understands me...no doctors I see, no therapists, I cant express myself...the only place I get any kind of comfort is from these boards because I read things that ring true with me. How on earth do you ever start to overcome this? Im petrified to go Inpatient - I cant do it, my OCD is far far too bad, and I know this is pathetic but at the age of 31 I have litterally only ever spent at most 2 or 3 nights away from my home and my parents. I couldnt do it. I just want to be better. I want to wake up and not hurt in my bones, to go to sleep and not dream of food, to sleep through the night without waking up to go to wee every single hour, to be able to concentrate on something, ANYTHING other than food or germs, I want to return to work, to have a boyfriend, to buy clothes, to be able to have my hair cut without it falling out in clumps, to be able to sit in a chair without it crushing on my coccyx, to have a need to wear a bra, to need to buy tampax....geez I would even love to have period pain!!! Ive completely ruined my life and I feel nothing but shame, and anger. People who say "just eat".... two words to them all ... IF ONLY....
Sorry...needed to get it out in some shape or form to someone...thanks for listening...
Original Post by gemzywemz:
Some people dont even have breakfast and they arent anorexic. They wouldnt feel like that. Part of me must still be in denial because I think deep deep down inside of me I still think I am different to anorexics and that I am not a 'true' one, if that makes any sense. Almost like I am not worthy to join in with the recovery of anorexics because I dont qualify as one. Is that a typical ED voice?
I think the reason some people (non-anorexics) can go without breakfast and not feel extreme hunger is because their bodies aren't scared to death that they won't be fed later. I think as anorexics our bodies become terrified that we aren't going to give them more fuel because, well, to be honest, we usually don't give them what they need. It's your body looking out for you, not your body being crazy so the next time you feel that extreme hunger, regardless of if you already ate a small breakfast or even a huge breakfast, however hard it may be, listen to your body and eat some more.
As for not feeling like a 'true' anorexic, I think I understand where you are coming from. I have often felt like "I'm not as bad off as that person" or "I don't restrict as much as they do" so surely I'm not in as poor of health or surely I'm not really that anorexic. I do think that is just another lie the ED tells, so do not believe it. If anything it's just a way to keep you feeling more isolated, a way to keep you thinking that recovery can't be the same for you if you weren't the same to begin with.
Oh, and for the "Just Eat" comment... I soooooo understand where you are coming from (got that one from my sister who was trying to look out for me but just doesn't get it). If only someone understood the mental turmoil that "just eating" can cause. But... you can do it! You just have to believe in yourself and take the first step, er, bite.
Thanks so much for your reply cupcake45...I just feel so weak and pathetic at the moment :(
Anorexia is such an isolating illness and it makes you feel so alone and consumed.
Like you said...I just have to take that first bite!...and keep on the slog....