So, I'm 30 years old, anorexic since age 14, and have finally reached a healthy weight that my doctor is thrilled with. I am really really having a hard time with this. I feel I can no longer justify eating since I am not underweight. I don't know what to do. I know how to lose weight, and I know how to gain weight. I have NO IDEA how to maintain. I am so scared. I want to restrict again. I almost think it would be easier to lose it all again and then get to gain it back.
Part of my reason for wanting to gain was so I could get pregnant. But now I'm not sure I could handle that, given I can barely handle this normal weight.
I used to hate people staring at my thin body and feeling cold and tired all the time. But on the other hand, it made me feel safe and secure. Now I feel scared and out of control and not myself.
Has anyone else ever dealt with this? How did you cope?
Thank you all.
How I try to cope is take it one day at a time. My mood about my body image/food changes all the time. I agree with 4p4c; bring these questions up with your doctor. Please do not restrict again. Through all of this I have learned that this is nothing to have your life taken from. Life may be hard now, but it gets better.
You probably feel uncomfortable because you are simply not used to what a healthy body feels like! Embrace it: it feels like health, vitality, a life to reclaim!
Being "skinny" might have felt safe and secure. But was it worth all the sacrifices that went along with it? I know from my experience that an ED is NOT something you simply live with. It defines you - it becomes your life and sucks out any goodness that was once there. Our bodies are not meant to be that way!
Stay strong, you've come so far! Restricting is pointless. Restricting will only get you back to where you've already been, and you know how much that sucks. So why do it??
Thank you all for your support. I think I do need to talk to my doctor - she assumes I am fine since I am weight restored and I do pretend I am mentally fine. I don't see a therapist and I am thinking that is probably what I need to do to ensure I embrace recovery fully.
I am taking it day by day, which does make things a bit easier.
Thanks, you guys. I don't want to live in ED hell so I really do need to work hard to ensure that doesn't happen!
That is right, and please don't ever forget! Get out and enjoy your life, with your friends/family/ or even by yourself! Gaining weight and restoring your health is a crucial part of recovery but it isn't the only part!
Best of luck, friend.
Fill your life up with the things you were always too tired, weak and exhausted to do before. Don't let your eating disorder tell you that you will "fail" if you try new things.
I found that in the height of my anorexia the only thing that scared me more than failing was succeeding at things in life, because that meant having expectations put on me to be someone great.
Now that I am recovered, I finished my university degree and I have the energy and life back in me to teach! I still get scared when people tell me that I am "good" at my career, but my career keeps my life so busy that I honestly just don't have room in it for an ED anymore. It's great!