How to tactfully help a friend...

Hi Guys,

So most of you know me, I've been here nearly 2 years, and finally recovered from nearly 3 decades of anorexia {YAY}. The thing is, that having that experience means I spot eating disorders quite easily in other people... 'takes one to know one', kinda thing...

There is another woman I see at the school gate quite frequently, who is 5' 7" and 112 lbs, (and man, am I ever aware of being 1/2 and inch shorter and 5 lbs heavier!!) and sees herself as 'having to be careful not to get fat', and always talking about how 'greedy' she is - eating a whole slice of toast and jam, for example, or a whole sandwich for lunch (shock horror!)... i.e. NORMAL behaviour... I am not sure whether she is aware she has a problem, or even if she is just attention seeking. For one, even though I am 'recovered'  I find this quite triggering, but since I am in the group of friends she is with, all of whom are average kind of weight, and don't seem to get that she is too thin, and sympathize with her about losing/not gaining, I am at a loss as to how to approach her to say she doesn't need to lose - if anything, she needs to gain, and that worrying about a single piece of toast is not normal... I mean, if she posted on here, I would know what to say, but since I know her, and my kids play with HER kids, and we are both part of a group of 'playground mums' who will be together for the next 6 years at least as our kids go through primary school, it is rather difficult...

I could ignore it, but I find myself dangerously scared that she will end up even 'thinner than  me'... ugh. Just readin this back shows how easily I can still be triggered!!

So... what should I say/do/not say to:

1) help her, and

2) protect myself from being influenced to want to lose again... (I'm only human!!)

Thanks!

O do I understand this! I have been in a very similar situation unfortunately more than one time- its very difficult and I will admit that with the one occasion it did derail me to restrict again because I was with this person non stop and it did "eat" away at me. In the other instance, I was able to stay strong and at first I would just drop hints, such as "ummm are seriously trying to lose more weight??" ok..... Sooooo I will admit that I felt she was attention seeking a lot of the time and it kind of annoyed me lol. However, eventually I got her alone and I spoke from the heart, I explained how I was concerned about her health because I had faced a similar situation and I'm afraid you are getting too thin, and I'm afraid for the health reprecussions that come with this. At first she denies anything and acted like I was silly for even thinking this, but with some more talk about my own experience she did open up. It took a while to see her change her ways but she did start to gain and I never found out if she received help or did this on her own. In my opinion, when u open with your own struggles it makes people drop their guards more. My mother in law to this day makes snarky comments about how i have "no fat on me" and whatnot, with her I would never open up because these comments are taken as an attack, if she were to express true concern I would be more likely to really open up to her. Btw I am now just at the bottom of the healthy BMI, so at this point, I consider myself much much healthier! I'm sorry if I rambled lol.

The other thing is- she may enjoy the comments you give her, I mean let's face it, as someone with ED we all secretly kind of enjoyed the "wow you are really too thin" comments, so I actually find that not feeding into that is best- just tell it from the heart.

Original Post by Gia26:

The other thing is- she may enjoy the comments you give her, I mean let's face it, as someone with ED we all secretly kind of enjoyed the "wow you are really too thin" comments, so I actually find that not feeding into that is best- just tell it from the heart.

Gia26; Thankyou so much for you insight about your friend, and this about how my friend might be feeding off the 'wow you're so thin' remarks other Mums give her... she says it is running around after her 2 kids, but we ALL run around after small children - it's what Mum's do!! (BTW, my MIL said those things to me too, but I know it was out of concern for me - the shame is I didn't do anything about it while she was alive, only having recovered since she died :(

If I ever had chance to talk to this woman alone, I like to think I'd be brave enough to do what you did, and talk openly with her. maybe I'll invite her and her children round for tea one day after school, and see what happens... the other day she said she had got up late, so had 'no time ' for breakfast, and had to work her lunch hour, so had had nothing all day, but might have some ryvita when she got home... immediately one other Mum, (an average size, I'd guess) said 'hey, no wonder you're so slim' - heck, my friend was almost GLOWING with pride...

Yup. I'll see what i can do!!

Dear Mrs Wilson and your cat!

I have sent a private reply to you re your concerns.

Hugs xxxx

Mswilsonscat- your so very welcome- I'm glad I could help out in any way. You are correct, I am a mother of two toddlers and I run after them non stop but that would not produce severe underweight. Also it's a goal of mine to make sure that my kids to NOT see and learn from my disordered eating, this is also something she may not be realizing. Whether it is intentional or not, your kids look up to you and copy what you do, we need to provide them with healthy eating patterns. I think people can be defensive about such a touchy subject but if you try to open up about urself she may feel more comfortable telling you the truth! Good luck :)) Regarding my mother in law, she is not by any means underweight but definatly suffers with disordered eating- or at least thoughts, she walks like 6 miles a day and then makes sure to tell me exactly what she ate such as "me and my friends went out to eat and I had two bites of the pizza and then ate a big salad, but my friend ordered dessert and I was so bad, I took three bites, I know I really shouldn't have"- she does this non stop- I have tried telling her that it's not a big deal if she indulges every once in a while but she seems to be stuck on this. I'm not sure if she just thinks she should feel badly about this or if she actually does. Maybe when she comes up here to visit next month I will have a casual talk with her about it and see if this is becoming an issue for her.