I hit target a week or so ago and i cant cope. I am still eating 2500+ and i'm still gaining roughly 1kg a week (now putting me slab bang in the middle of my target range) and i hate how my stomach looks - how fat and flabby it looks.
The only time i like my stomach is when i havnt eaten much in the morning, i guess when you could say its 'empty' (or more empty than normal). I really really dont want to go back to skeletal but at the same time i dont want to be so fat.
I am on the edge of dropping my cals as i no longer feel able to justify eating so much. Before it was ok as i was underweight and needed to gain but now i dont....
Please help someone, what should i do?
Kiki, CONGRATULATIONS!! You should be so proud of yourself - you have achieved what we all are aiming for, so well done!
Please try to keep your calories up. This is a crucial point for you, when you can either grab your life back with both hands and get on with living without ED, or you can let the ED grasp you in it's claws and drag you back down to the bottom again... Call me melodramatic, but it really is a stark as that. You've done the gaining, now there is still some work left to do on the mental/emotional side, learning to live with a NORMAL body. What BMI target were you given? Is there a chance it was a little low for you?
I understand about feeling the need to 'justify' eating by being underweight - I feel that too - but i know too that it is the ED telling me that. I am actully being a real hypocrit here, because I've never got to my target weight. Never. I get as far as BMI 17.5 or so, and simply get stuck... The biggest horror of this situation is that I know very well that another relapse will come along soon if I can't push past this point, thus keeping me in the ED cycle for 28 years.
But you have done it! You won! Please, don't undo all your hard work. Talk to your therapist/doctor about how you feel. They may have coping strategies to help you.
dansmum99 - Thank you, i know i should be happy with the weight gain but its just so hard. The last time i was this weight i was probally 16 (i'm 22 now) so its just so hard to see by body looking this 'way. The target i was given was 55-57kg (i'm 5ft 6) but this target was given to me when i was 14, so still a child. And, yes i agree that this could be a little low. I dont yet have my period back but i have had signs that it maybe returning which freaks me out so much because i lost it at 14 and i have never had it back. Part of me still doesnt want it back as it was always so horrid (heavy and painful)
I dont feel able to talk to people about this as i put on this brave face all the time - pretending i'm coping that all is well because ATM my sister is being a drama queen and my parents really dont need me being a pain too. I do have the dietitian tomorrow so i will talk to her.
I dont want to be skeletal again and i do agree that i cont really afford to lose weight. If i do i will just be stuck in the ED cycle forever but when i get sad the first thing i do is punish myself and drop the cals. :(
Have you read hedgren's latest journal entry? It talks about how people either eat more or less when they are stressed... it's worth a look!
I didn't realise you had been without your period for 8 years. In that case, then I'm afraid it is even more important than ever not to drop your calories yet. Getting your fertility back is vital! Not just for the obvious reason of having children, but for your bones, and ultimately what your health will be like in 20 years time. I know a woman who had her first osteoporosis fracture at 32, and she uses a walking stick now, has oodles of time off work, (she's mid 40's) and walks around like someone scared she'll break at any moment - which i guess she just might...
So, go on Kiki - it's morning coffee time here. You gonna join me in coffee and choc. chip cookies? :-)
I didnt know hedgren had made another journal entry. I will go check it out (TBH i have been away from CC for a while to focus on me and my recovery)
I (now) understand how important getting my periods back is (as a 14 year old deep in the ED i couldnt have cared less). I have been taking calcium tablets for 3+ years now so i hope that has had some positive effect on my bones.
I may pass on the choc chip cookie but will go for a white choc and raspberry ;)