Terrified (triggering)

I'm scared to gain weight.I have to gain 10 pounds!! I'm scared the weight won't redistribute properly and I'll end up looking fat and ugly and disproportionate.I will hate myself if I look fat.I don't even think I look that thin now (at 91 lbs).This sucks.I feel so angry or distant all the time...I don't want to eat unhealthy foods or a lot of food just to put on weight.I'm so sick of counting calories and freaking out when I don't know how many calories I ate....but I dont want to gain 10 lbs either.It's hard and I hate it but I want to be skinny.I'm so sorry if this is stupid or you think I just need to get over myself,but you don't know how it feels and this is how I'm feeling and I can't talk to anyone about it.

**hugs** I can 100% relate. You're terrified everything will go wrong if you gain weight, you feel as if you'll gain on less calories then everyone else is gaining on & you think you'll gain it back all too quickly. 

I was at that stage not too long ago, and it takes a lot of energy to get out of that mind set. You won't gain 10 pounds quickly and you won't get disproportionate, if you keep a healthy, balanced diet of at least 2,000 calories a day. In the beginning of eating healthily, you will notice some bloating on your stomach, but that is because the bloating is an effort to protect your bodies important organs... your heart, stomach, kidneys... This bloating does not last & its not even that noticeable. Bloating doesn't equal wight gain. I don't know how tall you are, but 101 pounds seems like a tiny, underweight number too.? I know I'm 5ft 5, 91 pounds & aiming to get up to at least 115 pounds. I'm partly excited about my weight gain & looking like healthy again, but at the same time, terrified about the consequences (growing up, not looking 'sick' and 'helpless'). Its an endless struggle, but one I'm going to win. 

Being skinny means nothing. You won't be happy, only more depressed (as I'm sure you're aware.) and you have to make the choice between fighting & recovering or losing weight and dying. They are your options. No one can pick for you, sweetie. Your not stupid for posting this, but these are the facts. Think of your friends, your family... They will want to healthy & happy. Don't let your eating disorder win! 

If you want to talk, just message me! :) xxx

Holy f*** I just ate 1600 calories (which isn't that bad) but like 50 GRAMS OF FAT!!!! oh god I'm freaking out.this is not good.party food is bad....nononono!! Going to exercise sooo much tomorrow...I still can't believe how much fat I had today!!!! Why???? I would puke it up but I HATE vomiting...even though I hate fatty foods even more :'(

Party food is delicious! All I can see is your eating disorder's words, which shows me that is has a really strong grip on you :( 1,600 calories will not cause you to gain weight, so please don't do anything like starve or vomit. Vomiting is just horrific, just don't even think about it!!! 50G of fat is not a problem. The average person gets more fat then that in an average day, so you've had less then is thought 'normal' amount. 

Look, if you want to get better, you need professional help. Its obvious you can't handle this on your own. You don't deserve this eating disorder, but theres nothing I can say if you don't want to fight it. :L x 

Its like, I want to make my parents stop worrying and just eat, but after I do I get really anxious and angry that I ate either a "unsafe" food or too much food....even going to a restaurant where I don't know the calorie amount is hard!!

Anna; Your ED is screaming so darn loud I doubt you'll hear any of us over it, but please try... you have lost 3 lbs in the last 3 weeks, is that right? And 3 weeks back everyone told you 94 lbs was way too thin, and that gaining to 100 would absolutely NOT make you look 'fat' - darn it girl, if 100lbs makes you 'fat and ugly' I must look like a beached whale at 118!!

1,600 is a very little amount for a growing, underweight teenager. 50grammes of fat? SO?? I am delighted that you don't like purging, and heartily hope that this dislike will keep you from doing it; and I also hope that you don't 'exercise sooo much' tomorrow...

Seriously, you need some help. It doesn't sound like you are in a place mentally where you can fight this thing on your own. Please talk to somebody. You are very thin, and your attitude towards food and eating is very disordered indeed... No, I don't think you're 'stupid' or should 'get over yourself', but I know only too well how you feel, and that often it takes a little help to get out of this horrible, nightmareish cycle of self-loathing and distorted view of reality.

So, I'm GLAD you ate 1,600 - but you need MORE; not just to gain weight (though that, of course, is important) but to repair the hideous damage that this disorder does to you - your bones, organs (even your heart), your hormone levels, even your brain have all sustained untold damage and need masses of energy for repair. So, you gradually get yourself up to AT LEAST 2,500 calories a day (ideally with your doctor/therapist's help), with NO exercising, and help your poor body recover.

[Edited to add: I just realised Bitebybite said a lot of this already - she's absolutely right!!]