At home recovery vrs. Hospital…
How many of you out there have managed their own recovery @ home?
My ED Clinic is really pushing their ‘hospital program’ (patients are residents there until they feel you are ‘on track’…) on me to recover. The hospital gives you a few choices of food items and you plan a menu plan on your preferences – however, it will not be organic (which is important to me) and I doubt they have items that I love to eat including a vegan life-style( kefir/tempeh/nori, tofu etc.,) They most likely won’t ‘allow’ my daily yoga practice either…My medical doctor has told a few people have recovered @ home, but not very many. Next week they have set up a ‘team meeting’ (aka: Firing Squad!) to hear why I don’t want to go to their recommendations (once again) of why I should go…they feel they will be more ‘efficient’ with recovery….I’m sure that would be, especially if they basically give you food all day long and make sure you clean your plate and have you sit around all day in ‘group sessions’…
Obviously, I feel like I can do this @ home – it (the hospital) sounds like jail – You are monitored every moment, which I can appreciate, but I just don’t think this is the answer for me.
How long have you had your eating disorder? At 5'5+", 85lb and in your 40s, you surely know you are dangerously underweight -- perhaps the doctors feel that were you able and willing to recover on your own, you would have done so, already.
Reading your post, it seems you have veered into some orthorexia to compound your anorexia; often a determination to eat strictly organic and vegan and healthy is a passive measure to maintain a picture of healthy eating while not really eating (because combining organic and vegan greatly restricts your food options, particularly higher calorie versions).
Obviously, you are an adult, but reading your post it would seem like inpatient is probably the best way for you to recover physically, with the hope that therapy at the same time would help you mentally recover.
I hate to have to say this, but I think you need some tough love: No, you obviously can't do this at home because you haven't. As Coach said, you are an adult who has dealt with this long enough either 1) to have made some more progress than you have or 2) to admit that you are in a gravely dangerous state and need some help. I think it's time you got some real help.
I have been to an IP hospital, and it taught me so much and provided the support that I needed. Yeah, it felt confining sometimes and there were definitely parts that I didn't like---but that's what I needed. If IP was exactly what you're doing at home, then you wouldn't change or get better.
I maintained my recovery weight for about 3 years but had a recent mini-relapse over the summer. Because of my experience IP, I have been able to practice recovery at home. I have been gaining back the weight and healthy mindset that I lost.
I truly think that IP is your best option for long term recovery. It will help you now, and the experience will be something that can help you in the future should you ever need it again.
Put on your big girl panties and go.
Instead of looking at like jail time, think of it as going to a spa. Prespective is everything.
PS your choice of song for your title makes me really sad. Maybe if she had went to rehab and tried to make it work Amy would stilll be alive.
Take care in whatever decision you make.
Hi, I have been suffering from an eating disorder (mainly anorexia nervosa) for more than 6 years now, and have been in both inpatient and outpatient treatment programs. I would say that if your doctors are pushing for the hospital, then it's probably best to take there advice, as you may not be able to see how sick you really are. I've been in many hospitals for my eating disorder, and trust me, it's not as bad as you might think. In fact, I actually kind of enjoyed all my hospital stays!
Sometimes, we have to admit that we need help that is greater than we can give ourselves. I know it is hard, but it is absolutely worth it! You are worth it!
I understand not wanting to go to an inpatient, lock-down facility--especially when you are dealing with an eating disorder, as one of the main components of EDs is control, and when you admit yourself into an inpatient program, you certainly must give up some of that control. I also understand your concerns about the food (I am a vegan myself, and I try to only eat organic foods). If you do choose to go, try and remember that it is only temporary, and eating non-organic foods for a short period of time won't have any permanent effect on your health. The most important thing is that you get the help you need for your eating disorder.
Eating disorders are a constant struggle. I know that it is hard sometimes to admit that you need help. The eating disorder voice is strong and tries to trick us into thinking that we don't need help so that we will stay sick and continue to waste away. So, what I'm saying is, I think you should definitely give the hospital a chance. What's the worst that could happen? I think you could really benefit from it. :)
Stay Strong <3
Thank you all - I guess my selection of the song's title wasn't that thought out...pretty insensitive on my part.
Anyways, thank you for sharing. It's (IP) just so 'invasive' and I needed to discuss with someone as I don't have any 'ears' that could understand like you guys here in the forum.
I didn't want to have to tell my parents/family about all of this...they are older and not so well, but I'll have no choice. I can't just 'go away' without anyone asking questions.
You've helped me a lot.
I think it is important to notice here that everyone is telling you to go.
Sometimes we are so are so stuck in our own frame of thinking, that we can cannot conceive of any other opinion or recommendation.
I think it is also important that irrational thinking is just one of the many effects of an ED. As an above poster started, an ED is all about control and ritual-- which are not healthy in many cases, and have landed you in this critical position. I think its time to change up this cycle, since it obviously has not been in your best interest. If your doctor is recommending it, I think it may be wise to heed that advice.
Also, remember that its most likely your "ED mind" that is fighting against giving up control. Your starved, dying "true mind" is probably begging to go and will be grateful for the care and support you will receive. I've gone IP and it was one of the most restorative and helpful things I have done.
Sure, some parts were rough-- i (or rather my ED) didnt LIKE being told what to do/eat. But I did NEED it. And as others have said, IP will give you the REAL tools to deal with this outpatient.
Control...yes! SO hard for me in every area of my life.
Those of you who have gone to IP - Question: How long were you there? I understand everyone is extremely different, but I am curious with your own experiences and what the 'expectation' was in order for your doctor to be assured you would be 'fine' to continue recovery @ home.
I was IP ~2 weeks, then shifted to and IOP program (intensive outpatient; 5-3 days a week of a similar format, but I got to go home at night) for about 3 months.
I was kept IP until my heart rate had stabilized to a safe level at night, since it was dropping to critically low levels. I was allowed to go home before reaching a optimal BMI, but I think that partially had to do as I was still living with my parents at that point and that I had agreed to go to their IOP program immediately after.
Every program is different as to their parameters, but I beg you not to approach it as "lets just get this over with" mentality. Obviously, you don't want to stay IP for a long time. But it needs to be treated as the recovery tool it is. And that means approaching it with an open mind and the will and positivity that it CAN and WILL help you beat this. You have to WANT it to help you.
That was difference I saw between the people who cycled in and out and those that went in, got better, and never looked back. You have to want to get better.
I would like to 'get better' but the process is so not enjoyable - no surprise. For example, I eat 'what I'm suppose to' laid out by dietician - most likely less than her recommendations. I feel physically full, and 'good' too. The next day, however, my stomach is SO big - and other nasty physical things (if you know what I mean) happen for the next few days.
I know when I go to IP, I'll too experience this. When I feel so full and gross, all I want to do is get 'rid of it'! This, of course, will be the physical feeling and I just am totally scared how to handle this when I'm there - I'll be expected to go to 'group' and share and I'll just want to run out the door!
If you don't mind sharing, could you pls. share your IP recovery period experiences? Similar to what is going on with me?? Did you end up just 'accepting' it, or did your body start/acting looking 'normal' i.e flat tummy, etc.,after a week or two?
Thanks again everyone
The fact that you do not want to confront these issues-- that you would much rather 'run from them' are exactly why you need to go IP. You cannot do this by yourself. These thoughts are irrational and ED driven and you need someone to help you overcome them. Believe me, you are not in a correct state of mind. Once you are (once you begin to recover) you will be able to think SO much more clearly, and this type of panic/agitation/control issue will fade away.
When I was IP, i was resistant and scared. Mainly my ED was scared. The real me was relieved and wanting the care. Sure, there were times I felt uncomfortable in my body. But you know what? Talking it out in groups really did HELP. I felt so much better letting all the anxiety out in words.
I can say that IP and IOP, with the groups and one-on-one therapy, actually gave me an insight into myself that I feel even most "normal" people dont have. I am now very self-aware (but in a good way) and have the tools to handle anxiety in healthy, constructive ways rather than ED'ed ways.
I dont really remember the bloat, but I do know that it is temporary. The only way to beat it is to keep feeding your body. I actually LOST weight when I jumped my cals to recovery levels. Weight redistribution happened relatively fast for me... Idr exactly how long, but the period of "gangly arms" and larger abdomen was relatively short. It DOES redistribute. You are NOT the exception.
Its actually strange. I am more confident in my body, at a restored state, than I was when I was underweight. I look better too! Not only do I have a flat stomach but I actually am able to sustain MUSCLE MASS. I have abs! I feel strong, slender, and fit; not thin and weak.
Hope this helps. Please, just bite the bullet and do it. If you truly commit you will look back at this post down the road and wonder how you ever were in such irrational state of mind. Its amazing how much more clearly you think when you're healthy.
Well...those of you who responded to my post (thank you), you'll be shocked. I decided to go. I have been on a wait list for the last two weeks and I'll be admitted this coming Tuesday. I am a little freaked out right now - but I'm really trying to be positive about this whole thing.
Thank you again for your words - You all really helped
Thanks 'Dietmania' - I have tried to put the weight on myself...I just can't do it.
Thanks again and I will keep you posted!