...and, I don't mean to be all negative and whiny, but I just feel really down. I always do on birthdays and special occasions, because you're supposed to feel great so it just hurts even more - like salt in the wound - if you don't.
I'm part-way through anorexia recovery, and because I'm much heavier than my lowest weight (obviously...and I know this is a good thing) I feel huge and fat and not 'good enough' at being ill (yes, I know the concept of being 'good' at an illness sounds warped) BUT because I still have a way to go to be healthy I feel trapped and struck in a horrible illness and feel like I'll never get out of it, I'll never be happy, I'll bever be care-free and be able to eat what and when I want, and I'll be stuck going to out-patient appointments for the rest of forever even though they don't help me, make me feel more depressed and just make me want to scream when I think about it all.
And because of what today is, I just feel like the years are slipping by and I'm STILL stuck with these horrible thoughts and feelings and behaviours and even though this should motivate me to get rid once and for all, it just makes me sad and despondent.
I feel so angry at my inability to totally recover. I've come so far but now I'm just stuck in an 'ok' rut. Sorry for the rant. I just feel so ugly and disgusting and just wish I could feel happy when it's my birthday. I'm 23 by the way, in case anyone wondered! ;) xxxxx
Just so you know, everyone that understands ED's and how mentally and emotionally crippling they are gets where you're coming from
And also just so you know, when someone says to me "I used to be anorexic/bulimic and I'm recovered now"-and I can SEE they're actually recovered-they have a billion times more respect from me.
All of us who have fought the monster in our heads, who have quieted the whisper of fat when looking in the mirror are supporting you. All of us who took those scary bites of cake, and who bravely went to go get pants sizes a little bigger are behind you.
Have a good birthday-it gets better xoxo
Take heart Kit Cat. Every single day is a new day and you cannot ever know what is around the corner. You have a whole life ahead of you and you can do anything. Things will get better, you will recover and you will find happiness.
For today smile, feel a little better, know that people care for you and wish you all the best.
I wish you a happy day and the courage and strength to face all your tomorrows head on and fighting.
Love Suzi xx
I know exactly where you're coming from and all i can say is try and try to enjoy yourself as best you can
Aw, thank-you everyone. You're all so lovely. I felt a bit happier today, mainly because it's NOT my birthday and so I know I'm not *supposed* to feel great today.
Also, I'm always going to be haunted by my horrible 21st, when my parents shipped me back to the ED unit in the middle of the night because they couldn't deal with me being at home. It was supposed to be the best day ever and, well...yeah. :/
BUT enough of me whining. I must keep on fighting. And hey, it's not like birthday cake is on the way out any time soon... Roll on April 2013! ;D