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Troubles with setting my goal, how ED started?


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So today I've been looking some photos taken in last two years, trying to find a reason for my disordered lifestyle.

First: two years ago, I used to fit in same jeans I wear right now, and I grew at least 7cm and I think even more. I've always been considered a thin girl, I was the last one in class to get my first period, I even got my first tooth later then I should have. So I'm what people call "late bloomer"... Back then people used to tell me that I need to gain some weight to look better but I never really payed attention on weight, it all just came spontaneously. When I started high school I gained about 8kg in less then a year. I was so uncomfortable with that weight it felt unnatural on me, it was like constantly carrying something around. So I think that was one of the reasons, which is why I am afraid to gain that weight back. It just isn't me. I can't set that as my goal... I want to, but I can't, it didn't feel right. Not one second. I didn't feel comfortable with it so I got back to my previous weight and now I'm stuck with obsessive counting and no period.

Second, it took me few months to meet all people in my new class, and I'm so happy that I found a friend that I get along so well with. But why I always keep comparing myself to her? I couldn't stand that every time we go out, or we go to the beach, anywhere, people always complimented her about how she looks, everyone payed so much more attention to her, and that didn't caused negative feelings about her, it caused negative feelings about myself. 

This is SO immature and stupid and silly, but that's the way it is. (my excuse is always "I'm 16. I can be immature, cause I AM" :D)

I've also found my old notebook (Eight grade, two years ago). At German class we were talking about topic "Dick oder dünn" ("Thick or thin")... it's so stupid topic, but, back then, when I had no disordered thoughts about food I wrote "Ich bin 52 kg schwer, und ich bin zufrieden mit mene Figur." (I'm 52kg heavy and I am happy with my figure). Right now I'm at the same weight, trying badly to gain. This confuses me so much!

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