Sorry for the rant but I feel like I need to get it out. This week I had my weigh in and I gained 2 pounds. In the last 3 months of recovery I've gained 3.5 pounds. I'm up to 89.5 (I'm 5'4") and my BMI is now 15.4 (I had a good cry after I saw this). And I just turned 30 this week which is just compounding the emotions of the week haha!!! But 30 is the new 20, right???!!!
The logical side knows I need to continue to gain...however, the ED side of me is flipping out. I can definitely tell those 3.5 pounds went to my midsection...my tailbone is not sticking out anymore and the gap in my rear end if closing.
I guess I'm just wanting to know if it's normal for one side of my to want my bones back, to want the gap back, to want my BMI to be under 15 again. I feel so conflicted!!! I've been working out A LOT more this week because I've felt so crappy emotionally about the weight gain.
Also, I've been reading a lot of Gwyneth's blogs about recovery...does anyone else subscribe to the idea of the "quasi-recovery" that she asserts?? My dietician wants me at 2500 calories with zero exercise to full recover and says I have about 20 more pounds at least to go (unfathomable in my mind). I'm about about 1500 calories with at least an hour of cardio on the elliptical and treadmill a day and am still gaining. This makes me terrified to fully take the plunge and go up to 2500 with no exercise.
I'd appreciate anyone else's thoughts!! Happy Saturday!! Trying to remember that gaining is GOOD!!
Happy Saturday to you too. I turned 30 last August so I totally get how it feels. To be honest I was very very bothered about the thought of turning 30 when I turned 28 and was really upset about it for months!! When I actually turned 30, I felt much better about it. I honestly think that my thirties are going to be awesome. I think that your twenties are about having fun, working damned hard and finding out more about who you are, whereas the thirties are alot about reaping the benefits of your twenties. I feel much more confident and that I know who I am more. I am much more able to take leadership of a team and to try new things without being too bothered about failing or embarassing myself, in fact I don't get embarassed half as easily as I used to and I certainly don't take myself half as seriously ;) I am very much looking forward to setting up my home in my thirties, it'll be a couple of years yet before that really gets under way. I feel less pressure from myself because I have triumphs in my life that I have gained confidence from. I don't know if that makes sense? But I honestly think for these reasons my thirties are and are going to continue to be awesome!!
Gaining is so hard but I think you've just got to grit your teeth and get on with it. The positives of being a healthy weight include increased mental health so you'll tend less toward body dysmorphism, obsession and low mood, more energy (which you will see untold benefits in your running and work) and stabilisation of your physical health. What have you got to lose by trying out life at a healthy weight? If it really doesn't work out for you you can lose weight again. However give yourself the chance to regain emotional stability and mental health then you can atleast make an informed decision about how you prefer to live. (I'm not saying that an eating disorder has anything to do with personal choice, I refer only to deciding to fight and finding motivation.)
Yeah, I rather suspect I'm in a state of semi-recovery too. I am just so ambivalent about recovery and when I have gone into it 100% it's backfired on me and I have relapsed big time. My opinion is if you are eating more and you are gaining weight that is better than relapse so keep going. If you find the motivation and you have the support to pursue full recovery great, if not, don't beat yourself up about it, atleast you are in some sort of recovery.
As for being triggered by what your bmi is and what weight you have gained, I strongly advise you to stop weighing or having your doctor tell you what weight you are. I honestly don't think that I could recover at all if I knew what my weight was on too regular a basis. I recently found out that I have gained about 7lbs this year and I am no longer in the 'anorexic' bmi range. The only way I can accept this is that it has already happened, I didn't watch it happening on the scales day by day and I'd have to have a full relapse to lose the weight again, which I don't plan to do.
I'm really glad to hear that you are in recovery and that you have a good team to support you. Keepy up the good work and try to distract yourself from the ED thoughts!
Love Suzi xx
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